Title: Just a Reflex
Grissom/Sara, post-Play With Fire, pg
Summary: My take on Grissom's thoughts after he turned Sara down.
Feedback: Please! It's been a while since I wrote anything G/S-y.
Author's Note: To Devanie, as always, for being my wonderful and encouraging beta!
I said no. Abruptly, quickly, harshly, bluntly. It doesn't matter how you put it, I still said no. Why? You'll ask. And I'll tell you that it's just a reflex. A reflex that I have learned to adopt after the burns of previous relationships. In my heart of hearts I know Sara would never intentionally hurt me. But it's rarely intentional, is it? So I shut everyone out, built up walls higher than the Berlin Wall, and secluded myself in my work.
Self-protection and all that.
I promised myself it would never happen again, and when it started to happen with Sara, I panicked. What was I supposed to do? Let it happen all over again? No, contrary to what most people think, I was too weak to let that happen again. It has nothing to do with being strong. I'm not strong. If I were strong I'd be able to deal with this in a rational way. I can deal with anything rationally. Except Sara.
And so I said no. I'm weak, I admit it. And I hate myself for it, but at the same time, I can't help but feel that I'm succeeding in a certain respect, I'm succeeding in keeping myself from possible pain, forfeiting any happiness I could achieve for the safety of the not-knowing. Not-knowing is safe. Taking a chance is dangerous.
And so my abrupt 'no' had nothing whatsoever to do with Sara. I wish I were strong enough to break down my own walls and pull her into my arms, but for the moment I shall remain weak – until I get up the courage to be strong again, if ever.
Hurting Sara is the worst thing I have ever done.
But like I said, it was just a reflex.