The Z-Gang Gets Psychoanalyzed

By DeadeyeDave

***

DED: Zelda: Man, Woman, or Hellbeast? That is the subject of today's investigation.

Zelda: WWWWWWWWWHHHHHAAAAAAAAT? YOU DARE INSULT...THE PRINCESS? I CHOPPA YOU GOOD! (hefts giant meat cleaver)

DED: I guess that answers MY question. Well, THIS is the shortest chapter ever.

Zelda: DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS! CUZ YOU'RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FOOLISH MORTAL! (buries meat cleaver in floor, tugs to try and get it out)

DED: QUICK! I summon the power of BURLY STAGEHANDS!

(burly stagehands appear, straight-jacket Zelda)

Zelda: HEY! YOU CAN'T STRAIGHT-JACKET ME JUST BY SAYING SO IN PARENTHESIS!

DED: Yes I can, hellbeast!

Zelda: WHAT? NO! I'M NICE! I'M BENEVOLENT!

DED: Benevolent? With a meat cleaver?

Zelda: YES! BELIEVE ME OR I'LL KILLLLLLLL YOOOOOOU!

DED: Huh.

Zelda: Now, RELEASE ME OR YOUR EVERY WAKING MOMENT WILL BE A SWIRLING TORRENT OF PAIN AND MISERY!

DED: (sing-songy) Oh burly STAAAAAAAGE-hands!

(burly stagehands sedate Zelda with hypos)

Zelda: NO! CURSE YOU! CURSE YOUR PARENTHETICAL SUBDUAL! I'LL RUN A GARDEN HOSE FROM YOUR ARSE TO YOUR EYE...sockets...you...blithering...

DED: That's better.

Zelda: (drugged up) Whachu want wit me man?

DED: I'm trying to HELP you.

Zelda: But I dun need help, man!

DED: Yes you DO!

Zelda: (Bill Paxton from "Aliens" voice) I DO? OH MAN, MAAAN...GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER!

DED: Let me put it in terms you or Dennis Hopper could understand. You're OUTTA YOUR FREAKIN' MIND, MAAAAAAAN!

Zelda: WHOA!

DED: SNAP OUT OF IT! (slaps Zelda)

Zelda: Ow! What's going on? Where am I?

DED: Have we found a happy medium between psychobitch and druggie?

Zelda: As far as I know, yes.

DED: So how long have you had these violent mood swings?

Zelda: What violent mood swings?

DED: And memory loss, apparently.

Zelda: Memory loss? What memory loss?

DED: ...

Zelda: WHAT'S GOING ON? I'VE BECOME UNMOORED FROM REALITY FOREVER!

DED: NO YOU HAVEN'T!

Zelda: Oh yeah, that's right.

DED: So you seem at times violently PMS-y, fluffy, and indifferent. From a strictly medical standpoint...what...the crap.

Zelda: Oh, don't mind me, I'm so bipolar at times.

DED: I...see.

Zelda: Sometimes I want to kill things. Other times I don't. Have some hot cocoa! (Pours DED a glass of hot cocoa with her teeth)

DED: Err, thanks.

Zelda: So I'm sitting in my castle, right?

DED: Right...

Zelda: And this guy IM's me and he's all like, "W00T! ZLDA! UR HOT!" And I'm like "D00D WTF?"

DED: Okaaaaaaay...

Zelda: So he's like, "LETZ CYBER CUZ UR H0TT LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL!" And I'm like, "NO WAY UR LIKE CR33PY!" And he's like "BUT U BEZ TOTALLY 1337! NEVER PH34R CUZ I'M THE H3R0 OF T1M3 AND I H4V3 A 28 INCH W4NG LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL"

DED: Ummm...does this story have a point?

Zelda: And I'm like "WTF LINK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? U R A PERV U GO AWAY!" And then I warned him like 20 times and blocked him cuz HE'S CREEPY!

DED: And is THIS why you're violently bi-polar?

Zelda: Maybe.

DED: Umm...

Zelda: AND THEN THIS OTHER TIME! I was at school, right? And this BITCH Malon comes up and is like, "Hey ZELDA! Do you want some of my eyeliner?" And I'm like "NO you SKANK-ASS BITCH I don't want your eyeliner!"

DED: What are you TALKING about? What's wrong with Malon's eyeliner?

Zelda: YOU'RE MISSING THE WHOLE POINT! I HATE YOU! YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME! I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME! (hops in straightjacket over to window, leaps out)

DED: Why is it that all my patients jump out that window?

Skull Kid: I DIDN'T! YOU DRUGGED ME UP GOOD!

Link: (from below out the window) What the...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH *WHUMPH*

Zelda: Hey! It's you! The creepy IM guy! And you broke my fall!

Link: Hey... anything I can do for ya while I'm down here?

Zelda: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Link: With my 28 INCH W4ANG LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL!

Zelda: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (sound of meat cleaver being unsheathed)

Link: Err...