Author's note: Hello everyone. I'm very sorry about the whole 'I will update again soon' thing. Basically, I came home from England, where I had lived for a year, and this sort of got put on the back burner. Three weeks after getting home I started a 24 hr a day job as a teaching assistant and camp counsellor. Two days after that ended I started at University. Since then I've been… well… universitying it up. But fear not! THIS IS THE END! That's right, I decided to end in one big chapter. A sequel one day? Maybe.
As an aside, I am curious to know how you felt about the second Pirates movie. Let's just say I was not amused by Elizabitch's complete and utter ho-iness. In a strange way that almost makes my Raul situation seem more likely.
Disclaimer: I still don't own PoTC. If I did, the second film would have gone like this:
Jack, we're the same! make out
Jack: Ew, get off of me. Yes, we are the same in that we both want to get with Will.
Elizabeth: Actually I am a complete whore and get with anyone who moves.
Jack: pushes Elizabitch over the side of the ship where she is devoured by the Cracken
Will: Oh Jack! You're so strong and manly! Pounces on Jack
Ahem. At least Norrington was cool in the second movie.
It was dusk when the carriages pulled up outside the Secret Lair. The passengers knew they had arrived because there had been signs for the entire journey: 'Jack the Monkey's Secret Lair, Take a Left!' and 'If you are planning a daring rescue mission, continue straight.' Outside the lair itself was a sign made out of blinking lights which said 'SECRET LAIR.' The lair appeared to be a cave. Next to the cave was a greenhouse with banana trees growing inside.
"Wow, it's only dusk," said Will as he jumped out of the carriage. He also had the strange desire to say, 'the stars are veiled' or something about blood being spilt. He didn't know why. He held up his arms and Laurentina and Martin jumped down.
"We got here very quickly, no?" Raul said in heavily-accented English.
"Yes, these carriages seem to be powered by the same force that enables the LFSSRTTP to move so quickly," observed Jack. This was an unusual thing for the Captain to say; it implied that he was actually paying attention. He realised this and decided to remedy it by taking a huge swig of rum from the bottle he had found in the carriage. He had been taking such sips all the way from Brighton to the Secret Lair.
Gillette climbed out of the carriage and looked around. "Where's the Commodore?" he asked to no one in particular. Actually, he was rather hoping the Commodore didn't appear just yet; Gillette had to compose himself. You see, Gillette had broken the Commodore's Rules About Pirates. Not that it was Gillette's fault. The carriage ride had been something like this:
"What is a pirate's favourite planet?" Will had asked.
Gillette, mindful of the Commodore, had remained silent. Raul looked at Will quizzically, as if trying to figure the young man out. Jack was playing with a bottle of rum he had found under the seat. This playing mostly consisted of drinking in large quantities. Gibbs sulked in a corner.
"Maaaaaarrrrrrrrrrs!" Giggled Will. Laurentina May started laughing. They were seated on opposite sides of the carriage so the effect was a rather school-girlish giggle produced in surround sound. "What is another name for a pirate ship?" he had continued.
Gillette couldn't help himself. In his most detached British voice he said, "barge?"
Will nodded enthusiastically. "Where do pirates take their kids?"
"What did the pirate use to patch up the whole in his ship?"
And so on, for the entire ride. So, it really wasn't Gillette's fault. It's not like he intended to spend several hours guessing punch-lines involving 'arrrrrg' but he just couldn't help it.
"I think the Commodore is still in the carriage with Anna-Maria," said Will, pointing to where the other carriage was parked. The windows were steamy.
Suddenly the door opened and Norrington stepped out. "Right, then, we'd better, erm, rescue whatshername," said the Commodore.
Will said "Elizabeth" at the same time that Gillette said, "Sir, your wig is on crooked" and Jack said, "Why is the rum gone?" in a forlorn voice, shaking his empty bottle sadly.
Anna-Maria emerged from the carriage behind the Commodore, straightening her skirts. Anna-Maria had to wear a skirt because Gibbs had stolen her trousers.
Commodore Norrington reached up and adjusted his wig. He had a very strange expression on his face. It was a look Gillette had only ever seen when the Commodore was drinking tea.
Will bounced from foot to foot. Finally, they were going to save his beautiful wife! And then all of this horrible business with Raul could be straightened out. Since Will's comrades had explained Elizabeth's betrayal to him, often resorting to diagrams and puppet shows to make it easier to understand, Will had tried to be angry with her. But he just couldn't do it. They made Elizabeth sound like some sort of… some sort of…. Tart. Elizabeth wasn't like that, Will told himself. Just because she abandoned Norrington for him at the drop of a hat didn't mean that she'd really meant to leave him for Raul…. Did it? No matter. Will was going to rescue her and that was that.
And so our heroes, Norrington, Anna-Maria, Gillette, Will, Raul, Laurentina May (and Martin), A very drunk Jack and Gibbs I guess (although I don't really care) made their way toward the entrance of Jack's lair. Immediately inside the cave's mouth, they had to stop and take an elevator down to the Lair Proper. This is because non-subterraneous lairs are lame. Gillette remarked that the elevator music was quite cheery and Raul agreed.
Meanwhile, Frank, the Security Guard, notified Jack of their arrival. The announcement was met with cheers from Jack's minions. The minions had been standing around in apparently non-chalant poses for about three hours. Their sword-arms were starting to get tired.
The elevator came to a halt and beeped. Jack, who was in front of the doors, blinked in the semi-darkness favoured by villains for their lairs. It was a harsh contrast to the brightness of the elevator. When his eyes adjusted, and this took a while since he was pissed off his head, he noticed that they had apparently stumbled into a large group of minions.
The minions were perfectly posed. They were glancing over their shoulders, swords drawn, grinning madly. Norrington had the strange feeling that the minions had known someone was going to attempt a daring rescue via the elevator and had been waiting around the door for the ambush, but he didn't have time to say anything about this feeling because it was at that moment Jack scrambled down from one of the walls, landing in the midst of his minions.
"Well, well, well," said Jack, his obnoxiously villainous English accent sounding crisp and clean. "How did you ever find me? You have caught us very much unawares. Oh drat." Jack once read a book called, 'How to be a bad guy' and was implementing all of its advice. Jack cleared his throat, "Seize them!"
Our heroes drew their swords and charged forward. Captain Jack collided into several of the minions, and flailed out with his piratical sabre. Because of the rum, he had the impression he was sword-fighting five of the men when actually there were only three. Predictably, Jack got a lot more hits on the imaginary minions than on the real ones. Which is a shame because the real ones got a lot more hits in on him.
"YARRR!" Screamed Will as he attacked wildly. Now, Will was normally a very good fighter. But since becoming a pirate Will had decided that the way to achieve maximum piraticalosity was to wave a sword around seemingly at random and pretend you were drunk. So rather than actually fighting, Will was doing one of his Jack Sparrow impressions. Laruentina May, however, had sunk her teeth deep into the leg of one of the men who were attacking her father.
Gillette was attacking everyone. With a baguette. The reader may pause and wonder why an Englishman would have such a French weapon. Gillette is actually half-French, on his mother's side. When he was leaving the Ludicrous, he drew a baguette instead of a sword and put it in his scabbard. This is a very common mistake in France. The reason Gillette was so distracted was that he had been shaving, of course, and shaving sort of occupies all of Gillette's attention at any given moment. In fact, Gillette did not even notice that it was a baguette he was using to fence with until someone sliced off a chunk which went flying into Gibbs's head.
Norrington and Anna-Maria, who can usually be counted upon to be doing something productive and intelligent, were fighting back to back. With a crash, Jack went down, apprehended by the attackers who weren't figments of his drunken fancy, and the noise startled Anna-Maria. She spun around to come to the Captain's rescue, and in doing so, let her own guard down. In an instant there was a blade pressed to her throat.
"Don't hurt her!" screamed Norrington, dropping his own sword. Will would have grimaced at seeing the sword he laboured on crashing to the floor of the Lair, but he was too busy screaming 'Arg! Avast! BRING ME MY CHUM BUCKET!' to notice. Gibbs had never really tried to fight. Instead, he was sitting in a dark corner working on his latest song and being pelted in the head by sections of Gillette's ever decreasing weapon. The Minion, number thirty nine, whose leg Laurentina May had been biting, finally shook her off. She flew into her father, knocking him to the ground.
The minions circled as one by one Elizabeth's would-be rescuers were disarmed/disbreaded. "Well, well, well," Britished Jack, "It seems I have captured all of you. Ha, ha ha, ha." He allowed himself a few villainous laughs before continuing. "Now," Jack reached into his furry pocket to find his victory speech. It wasn't there. Actually, it was folded in the top drawer of his bureau where he'd left it. Realising this, Jack ordered the prisoners taken to the cell which was already prepared.
"And it's not even the one with your precious Woman!" Jack laughed. Acutally, The Annoying Whore was locked in solitary confinement since she had been trying to use her non-existent cleavage to convince the Minions to release her. Jack had had just about enough of her. (Both Jacks, actually, had had just about enough of her.) For a woman who had no breasts whatsoever and had to resort to painting them on, she sure shoved herself out of her corset a lot, thought Jack(s).
Into the cell were locked Laurentina May, who the shackles were way too big for, Anna-Maria, Norrington, Gillette, Jack, Will, and Gibbs. They were sitting down, chained to the wall. It was far too close to each other than many of them wanted to be. (And as a general rule, no one wants to be that close to that many pirates.) "Has anyone seen Raul recently?" asked Gillette. Everyone shook their heads. "Hm, that's strange."
"So…. Can we rescue my wife now?" asked Will.
"We're in prison, you utterly brainless dolt, we can't rescue anyone! Don't you see! It was a trap! Now we're going to die! And I won't even get to have a cup of tea before I am sent to the big Royal Navy ship in the sky!"
"Hey!" Jack was starting to sober up. Jack can actually be quite dangerous when he is sober, which is why Jack the Monkey had seen to it that the carriage was stocked with rum. Allowing Jack to be drunk out of his mind was a good insurance policy when it came to winning fights. "There's no reason to be talking to Will like that!" Jack attempted to scoot closer to the young blacksmith but the manacles prevented it.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I hope I didn't offend you, Vile Pirate, by calling your loverboy a stupid, moronic, foolish waste of oxygen!" Norrington was in a bad mood, and whenever he was in a bad mood, making fun of pirates and their lovers filled him with immense satisfaction.
"Well at least Will doesn't look like a giant ICE CREAM CONE with that silly wig you've got!" Jack shouted back. Laurentina May giggled and said, "Mr Ice Cream Cone Man!" happily. Then she went back to looking at the vast array of torture devices Jack seemed to have accumulated. They interested her greatly.
"You mean my HYGENIC wig? That's WHITE so you KNOW IT IS CLEAN?" Norrington screamed. Jack self-consciously raised a manacled hand to his dreadlocks. A small crab scuttled over his fingers and back into his hair, having found a bit of food with which to feed its family.
"Well, Commodore," began Jack, no longer shouting but equally angry, "last time I checked, Commodores weren't even a real rank. They're only assigned during times of war. No one gets promoted to Commodore for any length of time. What's the matter? No one wanted to make you an Admiral so they had to give you a fake promotion instead? That's really too bad…"
"Commodore is too a real rank! At least I am not a vile pirate!" Norrington was panting now, and Anna-Maria was trying her best to calm him, resting her hand on his shoulder. "I HATE PIRATES!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, creating a echo that bounced around the prison. "And another thing!" He turned to Gillette. "A baguette! Is that the best you could do?"
He stopped when they heard a crash from outside the cell. From what appeared to be a secret passage emerged Raul. In his hand was a ring of keys. Raul ran to the barred door and held up the keys happily.
"Hola!" He said. "I sneaked away when the fighting started so I could steal the keys. But now I have come to rescue you!"
And with that he fell flat on his face, dead as a doornail.
"What just happened?" asked Will, who was unconsciously leaning on Jack's shoulder.
"Raul just died of scurvy," said the Commodore. "And that, boys and girls, is why it is always important to suck limes."
"I wish I were dead," said Gibbs from the corner. "No one understands me."
"No one cares, Gibbs," said Jack.
"Exactly," said Gibbs.
A rat ran over to Raul's body and began investigating. Gibbs thought it was a beautiful metaphor for the meaning of life. Our heroes did not have time to ponder Raul's failed rescue of their failed rescue party, because precisely at that moment, two of Jack's minions appeared. Well, they didn't actually appear per se. They sort of opened the door, the torches from the passageway causing them to be lit dramatically from behind. If they had actually appeared then that would just be plain silly.
The minions stepped over Raul's body and unlocked the door to the cell with their own set of keys. "Jack wants to see you now," one said. From the open door through which the minions had come could be heard something that sounded like a drugged cat being slowly being devoured by a swarm of Godzilla fleas. Also known as Elizabeth Swann's voice. "You won't get away with this, you stupid monkey!" she was screaming. "I am going to be saved!"
The minions pulled Gillette, Jack, Will, Anna-Maria, Norrington, Laurentina May (and Martin) and Gibbs toward the door. They were still manacled.
Upstairs, Jack was ready. He had found his speech in his chest of drawers and was ready to explain the ingenious way in which he was to extract revenge. Jack had had over four years to plan for this moment.
Jack's history is not a happy one. He was born on a small Caribbean island and captured as a child. Sold to a wealthy (English) family (which explains the accent) as a pet, Jack's name was first "Mr Silly." But that family had been plundered by the cursed crew of the Black Pearl, and Jack had met Barbossa, who had been like a father to the young, impressionable monkey. Now, Jack lived, or rather didn't live, since he was technically a zombie, but I suppose you could say he un-lived for revenge. Punishing those who took his surrogate father away from him had been his only thought for many long years. And now… now it was finally going to happen.
Jack cleared his throat. He had had the minions chain the prisoners in front of him. The Woman was there too, but he had had her gagged. Still, even looking at her made Jack want to drink a tankard full of draino and slit his wrists with one of Gillette's razors.
The edges of Jack's script were frayed with wear. He had practiced and practiced, so having it here was a mere formality. Not many people know this, but Jack sometimes gets stage fright, and so having the safety net gave him a sense of comfort.
"Four and a half years ago," he began. Laurentina May squirmed free of her manacles, but Jack barely noticed. She tugged Martin, in the bag she made from one of the Captain's fluffy shirts, away with her to investigate something shiny and sharp in the corner. "Four and a half years ago, you ended a man's life. That man was Captain Barbossa,"
"That man stole my bloody ship!" yelled Jack the Pirate. Jack the Monkey gestured to some minions to have him gagged. He continued, "Captain Barbossa was like a father to me. And he was brutally murdered by the man whose name I am forced to bear. And now, you, his accomplices in this heinous crime will all pay the price."
Meanwhile, Laurentina May had found her way up to the rafters. They were rotting away beneath her feet as she and Martin explored the attic area of the subterranean Lair.
Jack was still talking. "…limbs will be torn from your bodies, slowly, one at a time. Even then you will still not be able to understand the pain that I have endured-"
"I know all about pain!" screamed Gibbs. His black eyeliner was smudged. The Captain's however, was not. The minions gagged Gibbs.
Jack refocused his rage on Jack Sparrow. He would die first, Jack had decided, before he took revenge on those who helped him. He advanced toward the Captain. "I hate you," he clipped quietly, "I hate everything about you. You disgust me-"
"He disgusts everyone," said the Commodore. The minions gagged him too.
Jack didn't miss a beat. He stood on the ground, glaring up at the seated form of the pirate captain. "I detest you." Jack drew a very, very small sword from his belt. "And now, it the time has come for you to expire." He held the blade up, preparing to shove it deep into Jack's heart.
Martin slipped free and fell from the rafters, crashing down onto the monkey's head. Laurentina May jumped down after her friend, landing perfectly next to her father. "Mr Ice Cream Cone Man looks even more like an ice cream cone from above!" she giggled. Norrington swore into his gag.
Gillette was watching the squashed monkey with a keen interest. He was definitely still alive. Or at least, still undead. But he didn't appear strong enough to lift the cannon ball off of his head. He had become a squashed little monkey pancake.
Laurentina May grabbed the keys from one of the minions. All the minions appeared to have lost the will to fight. The truth is, Jack paid them below union wages and they were sick and tired of taking his constant abuse. For one thing, he called them all 'Minion Number Such-and-Such' or 'Pissant Number Blah.' As if their mothers never gave them Christian names! Also, there was no dental benefits. Once they saw their boss had been flattened, most of the minions wandered off. A few stayed behind to pillage the Secret Lair.
In a few minutes everyone was free and pulling the gags from their mouths. "Elizabeth! My love!" shouted Will, throwing his arms around his wife. She stood unresponsive in his hug, waiting until he finished.
"Where is Raul?" she demanded.
"He died of scurvy," Will told her, "but I forgive you. I love you!"
She ignored him. Drawing a breath to enable her to stick out her concave chest, she puffed herself up in what she thought was a seductive way and approached Captain Jack Sparrow. She ran a hand down his arm, batting her eyes girlishly. "Jaaaack," she purred, "I'm so glad you saved me…."She used her arms to push her breasts together. This would have worked if she had had any, which she didn't.
Jack favoured her with a look of pure hatred. She got the message. Turning neatly, she puckered her already freakish lips at Norrington. He sneered. "Don't even try it. I am through with you." Anna-Maria took a step toward him, and he put his arm around her shoulders. Everyone gasped.
"Sir!" said Gillette, "Does this mean you are abandoning the life of a Officer of the King's Navy and plighting your troth with the likes of these pirates?"
Norrington grimaced. "Don't be silly, Gillette. I would never, ever, in a thousand years, EVER become a vile, disgusting pirate, wallowing in my own filth and flaunting the law."
"I am going to move to England," Anna-Maria said quietly, looking at the Commodore with a faint smile on her face. "I'm going to have a proper house, a proper bed, a proper bath, and proper food."
(Not that the English really have proper food, but that's another story.)
"How does it feel, Elizabeth?" Norrington said. "Now you know what it's like to be alone."
"I'm not alone," she turned again, this time to Will, who had been staring at her the entire time with a look of pure devotion. "Darling," she addressed her husband, "take me home?"
"Oh, Elizabeth!" he embraced her again, "I love you so much! I knew you cared only for me! I knew it! They tried to tell me you left me but I knew you wouldn't ever do that!" He began showering her face with kisses. Jack was visibly shaking.
"Will, get the hell away from her!" he shouted.
"Oh, Jack!" said Will, clutching his wife, "please, old friend, take us home to Port Royal?" his face was buried in Elizabeth's hair, so he didn't see the look of pure, unadulterated rage on Jack's face.
Jack turned away. Good God, how could life be so unfair? But wait! Jack remembered his cunning plan. "Ok, Will," he said, grinning. Soon, soon the bitch would be gone forever.
And so, our heroes saved Elizabeth once again. Norrington and Anna-Maria stayed on in England, where they bought a big house and had every luxury they could wish for. They were married, and two years after, Anna-Maria gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named James, for his father. Gillette became a Captain in his own right, and was given command of the Ludicrously Fast Ship Somehow Related to the Plot. After a few years, he retired young and started a razor company.
Gibbs gave up the piratical life for good. He moved to London where he started a band called, 'Sea Funeral for a Matey.' The band was moderately successful and Gibbs became an icon for emo pirates on both sides of the Atlantic.
Jack, Will, Elizabeth and Anna-Maria returned to the Pearl. Gillette towed them back across the Atlantic so they would get home faster. For the entire journey, Jack went out of his way to keep Will and Elizabeth apart. He frequently had Will swab the decks shirtless. Consequently Will's sunburn was very bad indeed.
Laurentina May was sad when the adults made her leave Martin pinning Jack to the floor of the Secret Lair. Once at sea, Elizabeth tried to pamper the girl, like a celebrity with a toy poodle, because she thought it would be endearing to do so. Little Tina ignored her, preferring to follow her father or Jack around saying, 'Arrrrg!' at random intervals and playing with the toy guillotine Will had anachronistically built for her.
After a ludicrously fast crossing, Jack recognized a part of the Caribbean he knew all too well. He had had plenty of time to firm up his cunning plan. "Jack, I'm all burnt!" said Will one day. It was true. Will's torso was in bad need of aloe vera.
"Go to my cabin," Jack said. The Ludicrous had left them a few hours before, and so it was piratical business as usual aboard the Pearl. Elizabeth still believed Jack was taking her and her family home. "I will be down in a minute to help you with your burns." Will nodded. Jack was so very nice to him! "And you might want to take off the rest of your clothes and lay down on the bed," continued the Captain, "so I can… you know… help you."
Elizabeth was on the prow of the ship, looking at the island which the Pearl was approaching. Once Will was safely below deck, Cotton and the rest of the crew dropped the anchor.
Elizabeth spun around, finding Captain Jack Sparrow right behind her. "Well, we find ourselves alone, without your husband," Jack purred. Elizabeth, assuming the Captain meant to make sweet piratical love to her, licked her lips. She took a step forward and put her delicate hand on his chest.
"Oh, Jack, I knew you couldn't deny what was between us," she whispered. He smiled dangerously.
"No, Elizabeth, I can't go on lying to Will about my feelings." Elizabeth nodded. The Captain took her hands and pulled her toward the side of the ship. He leaned down and whispered into her ear, "for your sake, I hope this time you float," and with that, he pushed her overboard.
She made a loud plopping noise before bobbing up aside the Pearl. She was screaming. Jack looked down and gave a very piratical grin. "Elizabeth, you might recognize the island over there," he pointed to the small island she'd noticed earlier. "That is the selfsame island where you burned all my rum four and a half years ago." From his belt, he drew the pistol he had used to kill Barbossa. The one that had been left with him on the island. He loaded one bullet into it and threw it overboard. "For you, Elizabeth."
He laughed. "And this time, you stupid, useless bitch, on that island, THE RUM IS GONE!"
She was swimming toward where the pistol was floating. She grabbed it and started for the beach. Her skirts were weighing her down, but she was still managing to swim. She looked even more like drowned rat than normal.
"Goodbye, whore!" he shouted. "Now, I am going to go down to my cabin and rub aloe vera into your husband's perfect chest, and then I am going to do things to him that you never could!"
The anchor was taken up again, and the Pearl began sailing full-speed ahead toward Tortuga. Jack waited only long enough to see her arrive on the beach before he ran downstairs. Will was waiting for him. He had taken off all his clothing except the black silk boxers Raul had let him keep. Jack stopped in the doorway to his quarters (room) and raised an eyebrow rakishly. "Jack, where's Elizabeth?" asked Will. Jack grabbed a big tub of aloe vera from his shelf and locking the door behind him.
"Shhh, Will, you don't need to worry about Elizabeth ever again," and with that, the Captain pounced.
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