Title: Hot Monkey Sex. Huh?"

A/N:  When is smut not smut?  When I wrote it.  I left out a few things, like adjectives.  Well not all the adjectives.  Just remember I was not drinking when I wrote it.  Really. 

~ ~ ~

"Hot monkey sex."


"Let's go have some hot monkey sex."


"Come on Max, you know you want to."

"I do not."

"Sure you do.  I can see it in your eyes."




"Why is your hand there?"


"On my breast."

"It got lonely."




"You don't even know what hot monkey sex is, do you?"

"Shut up! The best part of the movie is coming up."

"Hah! I knew it.  You don't know what it is."

"Oh, and you do."

"Oh…yeah, babe."

"Mmmmm…that's feels good," shove "Wait a minute.  That's not hot monkey sex."

"We haven't done anything yet."

"I know, but that can't be hot monkey sex.  It's the same thing we always do."


"How would you know? You don't even know what it is."

 "Oh right, like you had a class right after 'common verbal usage.'"

"Okay, then let's find out."

"Yeah, right!"

"I'm serious.  I'm ready for something new.  Lets find out about the real deal."

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"Come on Max, let's do it.  I mean…let's find out about it, and then do it." silly grin

giggle "I'll think about it."

"Aw, come on…Maxie…"



"mmmmm…yes…oh yes."

"In the meantime…"

"Oh, yeah…oh Alec…that feels…Oh God! Don't stop…"

"Wait a minute!"

"Hey, I said don't stop."

"Where do we go to find out about…you know?"

"I don't know…put your hand back…Oh yeah…over here…yeah just like that…oh…oh…"

"Maybe they have something at that adult bookstore."


"Yeah?  Oh sorry."

"Forget it."

"No, no, I'm sorry."

"I'm not in the mood anymore."





"The Movie."

"What movie?"

"I thought you weren't in the moo…ooo…ood  any…uh…more."


"Thank…um…who is he?…God."

heavy breathing ensues

"Ma-ax…ah…ahh…what you…do…to me…"

"The Library."


"The Library.  Let's go."


"Yeah, let's go."

"I can't go like…this!"


"Sure you can.  Pack it up and let's go."


~ ~ ~

"I've never been in one of these before."

"You've never been to a Library before?"

"No, at Manticore everything was computerized.  We weren't even allowed to have books unless it was relevant to a mission."

"Well I've only ever been to a Library three days."

"You mean three times?"

"No I mean three days.  When I was twelve I discovered the wonders of a Library.  I was so fascinated I stayed three days and just…read."

"They let you stay three days."

"Well not intentionally.  I hid from that evil woman called a Librarian."

"She's evil?"

"This one was.  Kept telling me to shush.  How rude is that? I couldn't be quiet. I had all kinds of questions.  She just kept telling me to be quiet.  No noise allowed.  Evil I tell ya."

Stepping forward

"Max? Is that the Librarian?"

"That's her.  Stay back."

"She doesn't look evil."

"They all are. Why are you walking funny?"

"Why do you think?!?"


"Oh.  Well get rid of it."

"Excuse me? Get rid of it?  It's not like a balloon, Max.  I can't just deflate it."

"Well you certainly can't walk up to the Evil woman with that…like that."

cocky grin


"Alec this is a janitor closet."

"You know for the life of me, I don't know why anybody would say you're not observant.  Now come on."

"I'm not doing it in a…who says I'm not observant?"


"What do you mean everybody?"


"Maxie how long did it take for you to see how I feel about you?"

"Not long."


"Maybe…a year."



"God you are so…come on."

"I told you I'm not…"

Slam. Thump.

heavy breathing ensues, again

"Max? Do you know…what…you do…to me?"

"This has got to be the smallest janitor's closet I've ever seen."

"Maaaaaax…pleeeeease.  I'm dying here."

"Okay, okay.  No ripping clothes and we have to be quiet.  I don't want that evil woman to find us."

"Yeah…sure…okay…come on already…WHAT THE HELL KIND OF ZIPPER IS THIS?!"

"Shhh, you want her to hear us.  Move your hands I'll get it."

Another slam. Thump





"Ow, OW!"

"What? WHAT?"


"What already?!?"

"Doorknob.  Ass."

"Oh, sorry."

Shift, slam, thump, etc.

~ ~ ~

"She still doesn't look evil to me, Max."

"Well I'm not going up to her."

"How else are we supposed to know where to look?"

"I don't care.  I'm not going up to her."

"I'll do it."

"You won't get anything.  Just a…a…shooosh."

"Hey, this is me we're talking about."

"And your point is?"

Pouty face…Oh those pouty lips! Oh, sorry. Back to the story.

"You hurt me Max.  You hurt me deeply."


"What exactly is phffffft supposed to mean?"

"I'm telling you.  It won't work."

"It'll work, it always works."

"You don't understand.  Your nothing but a noise maker to her."

"I don't think…"

"An annoyance."

"I can…"

"A racket maker."

"But I can…"

"A boy toy that just…"


"You talk too much."

"Maxie, Maxie, Maxie…but that's part of my charm.  I can talk myself out of and into anything. That and my good looks.  How can I go wrong?"


"Would you stop that?"

"Okay hot boy.   You don't believe me.  Go ahead."

"Have a little faith, Maxie."

"Oh, please!"

"I can do this, Max."

"Go ahead…go…shove go already."

"I'm going.  Stop shoving me."

Foot tapping

"Are you going or what?"

"I'm just preparing myself."


"Okay, I'm ready."

another shove

~ ~ ~  possible angst ahead. Nah.

"I…I failed, Max."

"Shhhh, it's okay."

"Oh God, Max…don't use that sound, please."

"I'm sorry.  I'm here for you."

"I mean…I tried everything.  The sway of the hips as I walked, the sexy cocky grin, the multitude of intense facial expressions.  I even used the the unique and unlike any other line…I just don't understand it."

"You did everything you could.  Nothing can work against that kind of evil."

"But what if it's gone, Max?  What if my charm and hot boy persona is gone?  What am I going to do?"

"Look at me.  It's not gone.  You're the best.  No one can turn it on like you do."


"Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"To show you it's not gone."

"But where…the janitor's closet???"

Slam. Thump

~ ~ ~

"I…I love you Max."

"I know."

"Okay fine."

"See that…I've been observing the people over there."

"Yeah, I noticed the same thing.  They're using that computer and finding information on it."

eyes zoom in

"Reference numbers and letters."

"Max look.  Up on the shelves.  The books correspond with the reference numbers and letters."

"Let's move in."

"Right…now what?"

"I don't know type in 'hot monkey sex.'"


"Wow! Look at all those references.  Who would've thought?"

"How are we supposed to know which one to pick?  I mean look at all those."

"Wait Max, look at these."

"A video???"

"Yeah, I'd rather watch anyway."

"I'm not going to watch porn."

"It can't be porn.  Look around you, Maxie.  Does this look like the kind of place that houses porn?"


"There's some video booths over there.  Let's go."

~ ~ ~

"I can't believe it. This is smaller than the janitor's closet."

"Look at the size of that monitor.  I've strapped bigger monitors than that to my wrist on covert missions."

"Shut up and put it in."

"Okay…here we go."

"By the way, what's the title?"

"The Mating Rituals of the Squirrel Monkey."

"Oh look, there so cute."

"Right Max, cute! Hey look at the female.  How she bends over and sticks her butt up in the air.  Practically in his face."

"That can't be right."

"Wait look, he's about to…"


"That was…fast."

"Yeah, sort of puts a whole new twist on the term, quickie, huh Max?"

"That goes way beyond quickie."

"I can do that."

"Not even an X5 can do that."

"Sure I can.  Bend over."

"Hell no. I'm not bending over for anybody."

"Okay, fine."

Slam. Thump

"Oh…Alec.  That was…"

"Told you I could do it."

"I was wrong.  I'm sorry.  I'll never doubt you again."

"Finally! Hey…why are you squirming?  What's wrong?"

"I think…I think I have…a burn."

"Yeah, I'm a little singed myself.  You think that's why they call it 'hot monkey sex?'"

"It must be."

"Well it was great, but I don't get why people want to do it all the time."

"Me neither.  Put the video back…I want to get…home."

"Why Maxie, are you getting…uh…ummm…hot…and…Oh yeah…bothered?"

"Mmmmmm…from the feel of it…so are you."

"Ow, watch the singed part, Max."

"Oh sorry. Take me home and I'll kiss it and make it better."

"Uh…um…Oh God…That's it! Let's go!"


~ ~ ~ Sometime later

"How many of those did you get?"

"I don't know I just grabbed a bunch off the shelf."

"Well the last three were great."

"Shhh, Max it's starting."

"I can't believe you just used that sound with me."

"Oh, sorry."

"What's this one anyway?"

"The Sexual Activity of the African Bull Elephant."

"Oh goodie."

Pause to watch

"I can do that."

~ ~ ~

The End

A/N:  No animals or transgenics were harmed in the writing of this story.  Did I make fun of Librarians here? Oh, sorry. : )