Disclaimer: I do not own Knightmare or any of its associations, not even
Pickle… yet.

Deadpan: Musings of a Dungeon master and an Elf.
Another of my mad scripts, enjoy or call the police… they'll never take me
alive anyway.
Scene – Pickle is flicking through the channels on the view screen,
medieval sex, medieval sex, medieval sex, the mating habits of the
hobgoblins, medieval sex…. Treguard sits behind with an uneasy look on his
face, much like a parent has when they feel they have to discuss
'relationships' with their darling innocent child'
Pickle: Ugh! Sex on every channel! Isn't there anything else on?
Treguard: hmm… yes that does remind me…
P: remind you of what? Past girlfriends?
T: No! Certainly not! Huh! They had much more class than those blond, big
boobed, maidens. No I always preferred the more mature woman.
P: raises an eyebrow oh yeah?
T: yes!
P: so what about that nag Petra? Laughs if that's what you call mature then
we better arrange a night at the ye olde bingo for you!
T: GRR! She happened to have a wonderful personality!
P: in-between the grunts…
T: yes, in-between the… NO! Now listen here Pickle, don't you step out of
line here, remember who's in the authority.
P: sorry master.
T: hmm.
P: but you got to admit, she a bit rough.
P: when I say rough I mean, was she even a woman?
P: what was it she used to say…? 'Urrmgh'… that was it, in-between snorting
and scratching her arse.
P: remember that time when she blocked the latrine up? What a mess! I mean
we had to corner the whole wing off! Then that monk came by to exorcise the
evil demons from the area, the townspeople had been complaining!
P: Uuuggghhh! Treguard fastens both hands tightly round Pickles neck
T: listen here! You are making a mountain from a molehill! Anyway I dumped
her ages ago.
P: choking not before the fumigators had to come… uughhh!
T: GRRR! What about your past relationships? I'm sure you've had a few
you'd rather forget too?
P: no, never.
T: what you mean every relationship you've had has been perfect?
P: no
T: well there you go
P: no, I mean I've never been in a relationship.
T: what?
P: I've never been in a relationship
T: oh, really? Never? Why?
P: I'm on the lookout for Miss perfect
T: laughs and what qualities does Miss perfect as you call her have to
P: oh nothing in particular, just is sweet and kind and love me for who I
T: feeling very guilty oh. Nothing else? Nothing in particular? I mean like
good looks?
P: well of course good looks! I'm not going to date a horse am I?
T: and, erm, what about a strong personality?
P: oh of course! I don't want Miss boring – oh lets talk about last nights
'the robin hood show' type.
T: uh-huh, and money?
P: got to be loaded, and I'm certainly not paying up!
T: and long legs?
P: no short fat legs for me!
T: and big chest?
P: 'everybody needs a bosom for a pillow!'
T: so basically you don't ask for anything more than Miss perfect, being
beautiful, curvatious, loaded, amazing personality… always laughs at your
P: well d'uh!
T: talent? Singing? Dancing? Acting?
P: all of the above.
P: and she has to like 'one man and his dragon'.
T: right…
P: and she has to be able to say my name in the most deliciously sexy way –
puts on an deep sexy accent – 'oh Pickle, you are the most amazing Elf in
the world! I'm so lucky to be in your presence! Can I touch your bushy
blonde hair…' and so forth.
T: uh-huh. And you're still single?
P: yeah
T: never had a girlfriend?
P: yer
T: Pickle… you realise of course you will be single forever unless you are
blinded in some horrible incident where you also lose your arms, sense of
smell and become tone deaf, and brain dead, and even then you'd be marrying
a goblin with a rectal infection and an exciting variety or boils and
P: erm… yes I suppose so.
T: time to lessen your standards?
P: hmm…
P: just a woman who will stroke my hair…
T: stroke your hair?
P: yeah
T: and that's all?
P: you said I should lower my standards
T: I guess.
P: except no stink, or boils, or sores, or infections, like that Jessica
you dated.
P: she used to scratch herself with her legs!
T: reaching for staff to clobber Pickle with…