Harriet Potter and the Sorcerer's Zucchini


"Harriet, who's turn was it to feed the dogs?" Mr. Dreadsly yelled from downstairs. Harriet sighed and yelled down to her Uncle,

"Mine, sorry!" and she walked into the kitchen to get the dog food. Just then, her Aunt Phosphorous came bustling in, and shoved her out of the room.

"Listen, rat, we have guests and you have to get out of here!" Harriet hesitated and her Aunt yelled "NOW!" and she ran down to the basement and hid in her little room. It looked more like a prison cell than a basement. She could vaguely hear her Aunt's talking and knew that she was in for a looonnggg night.

At night, very late, which Harriet did not know the time because she did not have a clock; something started glowing green in the middle of the floor. Now, Harriet did not know what to make of it, but she knew it was not something that happened everyday. She was a little drowsy and did not have the slightest idea what might be down there but she stepped down the little square hole that was forming in her floor. She fell to the ground in a dark room with nothing in it. All of a sudden Magic Michael appeared, levitating and carrying a black box with a big red button on it. He pressed it and all of a sudden she was in a room with big giant Powerpuff-girls style gorillas all around her. "Er.No." said MM and he pressed the button again. This time they were at a mountain unicycling race where Katie's friend Brody was racing. "Err. NO!" said MM and he pressed the button again. This time, they were in a room painted yellow with a river through the middle of it, and when it kept flowing, the room kept expanding, all yellow decorated like it was a party, with brightly-colored streamers and glittering confetti that seemed suspended in the air everywhere. MM was on the river, on a big yellow tire and orange Hawaiian shorts, holding a drink in his hand. "You.Hogwarts." was all Harriet could make out of what he was trying to say to her as he floated down the river. Suddenly, a yellow tube appeared and Harriet realized that she could get on it and follow MM. She hopped on it, ready for a nice smooth ride.

Little was Harriet aware that there were water pixies lurking in the water below. Though not very dangerous via MOM (Ministry of Magic) classification, they were nasty little guys. They stirred up the water and made Harriet have a not-so-pleasant ride down the river. They also sprinkled pixie dust all over Harriet's short red hair. It made her scalp feel all tingly and she kept having to let go of the tubie thingy to scratch her head. Finally, after much wave-riding, Harriet arrived at this train-station like thing where these giant butterflies were being boarded by people aged twelve to sixteen. A cute red head walked by Harriet and winked. "You need a partner? We need to go in twos to Hogwarts." Harriet gave him a dazed look.

"Hogwarts? What?" she tried to make sense of all of this. When she looked around her, her head began to spin and she blacked out.

The next thing she remembered she was in a butterfly with a tall, cute redhead sitting next to her and a thing that looked like a man with a little too much hair beside her. Where was she? Where was she going? Who were these people with her? They appeared to be asleep. She got up slowly and walked to the mirror. She yawned and stretched her arms. When she did this, she noticed something she had not before. she had a small moon shaped scar-like thing down on her neck. What the.?


Harriet glanced over at the cute redhead with freckles spread across his face. She was going to need some answers, and it was well known that Harriet wasn't exactly blunt, so she tapped him on the shoulder. "Excuse me. . ." she started, but she was quickly interrupted. "Ah, yous awake! Wes was worried, we was, when you collapsed. Wes thought you weres sick, wes did." The hairy little man said. Harriet just blinked and shook her head. "There's no way he can be real, I'm dreaming, I'm flying, so I'm dreaming. . ." She said, closing her eyes and shaking her head. "Are you muggle-born? You must be if you don't know about flying." The redhead asked, leaning back in his chair strapped to the butterfly. Harriet kept shaking her head. "Muggles? What?" She muttered. The boy sighed. "Where are you from?" He asked. She stopped and looked up at him, blinking in surprise, as if she hadn't realized he was there. "Canada." She said. The boy's eyes widened and he grinned. "Oh, that explains it. Magic Mike went to get you. Dad says that he's kind of lazy, but Mum says he was just busy this summer. He had no time to send everyone with Hogwarts information, so he just grabbed the students and sent them over here with one of his wacky Floo inventions." He leaned forward and frowned, "That leaves me with trouble! You don't even know anything! Alright, alright. . ."

Three hours later, Harriet had learned so much that she thought her head was going to explode. So she was flying on an Indian Butterfree, and the little hairy man was a mountain Gnome, who was flying the butterfree.


Harriet: **sweatdrops**

Boy: Are you hungry?

Harriet: Uhhh huh. . .

Boy: Well, Mum packed me some extra food, like always, so you can have some if you want.

After another hour of explaining the wonders of Magical candy, such as Pixy sticks, Fizzs, and Tangy Taffies, they finally arrived at their destination. Harriet gasped in wonder, gazing eagerly at the school.

"That. . . that's my school?!" Her eyes glazed over as she entered a dream- like trance, fantasizing about all the wonderful things she would do there. "Yeah," the boy said, sharing in her wonderment. "Hey, I just realized I still don't know your name!" he said, offering her his hand. "I'm Ron Weasley." Harriet took his hand and smiled. "Harriet Potter." The moment her mouth had formed the words, Ron paled and stared at her. "Harri-Harriet POTTER?"


"What?" asked Harriet, staring at the very pale boy. "Harriet Potter? You're.but..." Ron stammered, and looked like he was going to faint. "You're famous! Can I have your autograph?" Harriet stared him in the eye. "You're kidding, right? I'm just regular old Harriet Potter, nothing special here."


Their Butterfree crashed to the ground, throwing them and their contents off onto the grassy Hogwarts terrain.

Harriet: OOF!

Ron: You all right?

Harriet: Yes, and I've discovered something.

Ron: What?

Harriet: There is such a thing as spell-o-tape

Ron: Yes, there is. I have some right here. **holds up some spell-o- tape**

Harriet: Brought to you by the makers of the temporary marriage license!

Ron: **grins fakely** **stops** Why would you need a temporary marriage license?

Harriet: So I can say I'm married to Duo Maxwell.

Ron: **raises eyebrow** **frowns** Oh.

Katie: Are you guys done, can we leave yet?

Harriet: **blink, blink** When did you get here?

Ron: Who are you?

Katie: I'm Katie. I wanna be a Slytherin, but I'll still be your friend.

Ron: Oh. . . . alright. **whispers to Harriet** She's a nutbag.

Harriet: **nods** Personally, I'm hoping for Gryffindor.




Meanwhile, in Hogwart's Castle.

The headmaster and two of the teachers sat discussing the fate of George Weasly and the entrance of the new student, Harriet Potter. Weasly had been a very bad boy by buying 60 pounds of spellotape and taping it all over Snape's classroom. Snape did not like that. He told on George for being a bad boy. George got mad and gave Snape a boo-boo.

"SO what are you going to do with him?" asked Snape, grinning like a sugar baby in a candystore. Dumbledore looked at Snape and frowned. He did not have to want to expell Weasly, because the Weaslys had a big reputation in the scholl. The eldest, Percy, was looking to be head boy in a couple of year's time. Dumbledore knew that Snape was only in to get anystudent he could. What a bad man, though Dumbledore. All of a sudden, McGongall started yelling something very very strange.

"Make the Bad Man Stop! Make him stop! Noooooo." there was a silence as everyone tried to digest what McGongall had just said. Then, all of a sudden she ripped off her clothes to reveal a bright red bra and a grass skirt and said "Look what I can do!" as she ran out onto the school green and started doing the hula-hula. Dumbledore looked to Snape and then said..

"Magic Micheal McDonald get in here at once!" the voice of the Headmaster echoed through the hall and MM appeared right away.

"Yes, Sir?" he asked innocenty.

"What have I told you about pressing the.. RPG?" he whispered the last part as though it was a bad thing, All of a sudden Harriet Potter came crashing through the window and landed on the floor. "What the hell. Who the hell are you?" Asked Dumbledore, looking at the girl who had just flown through the window.

"I am Harriet Potter, and it is.." she was cut off by the Headmaster.

"Harriet Potter? Wow. I mean, how you've grown! Er. How did you come about getting here?" he asked, giving her "the look".

"Tsk Tsk. Already making trouble and it is not even her first day!" said Proffesor Snape.

"Oh, are you Proffessor Snape? Katie loves you - she thinks you'd be the greatest teacher ever! You'd like her.. she's evil. At least, she tries to be. She sent me here. One of her spells she learned from some dark arts book she bought. Cost her a hefty penny - I thought it was a fake at first." She blabbered on untill she noticed their cold stares. Then, Dumbledore spoke.

"I think that we are going to have to have a word with. er. Katie, did you say?"

"Yes," echoed Snape, "We are going to have a word with her."

DUhDUHDUh. what will happen? It is for you to decide.

No, LITTERALY, YOU have to decide.




Harriet: Right. . . uhhh. . . I. . . Uhhh. . . .**starts rambling on in some unnecessary manner**

Dumbledore: **smiles with a twinkle in his eye**

Ron: Katie, you sodding arse! Send me up there after her, she'll get in trouble!

Katie: Alright, but you asked for it. . .




Snape: **GROWLS** and what do YOU want?! **GASPS** are you a Weasly?

Ron: Uhhhh. . . **grabs Harriet* Gotta go!


Hat: You may not think I'm pretty, Because my name's not "rick" It doesn't matter, really, You bloody little prick. I've done this every bloody year For a century or two And now, I'm just fed up And I don't want to make this rhyme. So here's the drill, you little brats. And please, listen well. For I tell you to which house you'll go, And you're going to think it's swell. Gryffindor's for you idiots Who try to be so brave. For all I care, you'll rot in hell In a stinkin' cave. Hufflepuff's for the idiots Who have no other pros But that's okay, you maggots You're head teacher has a nice butt. I mean, nose. Nose. Ravenclaw's for the smart people. And I have nothing else to say. Slytherin's for the ambitions jerks. But they'll be evil within a day. Well that's my song, I'm done again. So piss off, you little pricks. I have a date with the purple hat That Shannon keeps around for kicks.

When the Sorting Hat had finished it's song, the students clapped hesitantly. And one by one, they placed the hats on their heads.







Harri eagerly stuffed her head in the sorting hat. Hmmmm. . . Ravenclaw, or Gryffindor? Ah, Gryffindor.


Katie did the same. . . HUFFLEPUFF


Ron tentavely placed the hat on his head.


What will happen next?


Katie: God damn it I'll tell you what happens next! You're going to march straight back to that hat andd make it say that I am in Slytherin, Damn It! If you don't I'm going to raise the devil and I mean litteraly! You blinkn cow! Damn you! Damn straight you are going back there! I refuse to be put in such a house! Urg, Huddlepuff? What were you.

Harriet: Shut up, Katie! Please. You are in Huddlepuff and that is that.

Katie looks defeated but there is a glint in her eye. Harriet had seen that glint one too many times. It meant that NO katie had not given up. She was determined. Katie got up and went and sat at the Huddlepuff table. She sat for a moment and then got up. "Who is the leader of this er.. house?" she stared them all down, untill a seventeen year old boy raised his hand.

"I am," he said meekly.

"Well, then. From now on, we do everything that I say, ok? And if anyone disagrees with me." she took out her wand and transformed a bread roll into a toad. "That's what's gonna happen. Anyquestions? Good." She finally sat down, having made her point. She scanned the teachers for the expressions. She HAD to get into Slytherin. She HAD to. A boy about her age, whom she recognized to be Draco Malfloy, said, "nice try, mudblood!"

This was obviously a HUGE insult as all went quiet. Katie did not have the slightest idea what he just said so she thought a generic british insult would do. "Oh, Piss off." She turned back to her table as Draco's mouth dropped. She had been watching a little too much Monty Python lately.

The next few days were rough. There arose a huge conflict between Slytherin and Huddlepuff; Gryffindor was somewhat forgotten by Slytherin temporarily. Still Katie persisted, appealing the decision to the teachers and even, Albus Dumbledore. The only teacher who sided with her was, surprise, surprise, Snape. He saw her true power and.

Shannon: Hey! Stop that!

Katie: What the hell? You're Harriet Potter in this story!

Shannon: I felt the need to randomly insert myself into the story to stop you from getting into Slytherin by coaxing Snape into coaxing McGongall into coaxing Dumbledore into coaxing the hat to take it back. You know where you belong, and your evil little teacher can't help you. Anyway, I hope you're not having any little fantasies with Snape. A teacher ! Come on! Me and Ron is one thing.. but. Please!

Katie: Hang on a tic, who told..er. I mean, what makes you think that I like Snape?

Shannon: Err. I don't know.you just seem to go for evil guys.

Katie: Right. Well, randomly DE-insert yourself from the story so it can go on, ok?

Shannon: Alas, I am gone!

And now back to your regular programming..


Harriet: What the HELL was that?!

Ron: I have no idea. . . what did you mean by you and me?

Harriet: **looks away** Hey, a canary cream! George, can I have one?

George: But you know what they-

Harriet: Just give it to me! **grabs a canary cream and stuffs it in her mouth**


Harriet: **tweet**

Katie: Oh, Professor Snape, **giggles** You truly ARE the potions master. . .

Diggory: Listen, Newt, I don't think this is too good of an idea. I mean. . . gods, it's SNAPE!!!

Katie: **turns Diggory into a toad**

(Katie disappears into some fantasies of marrying Severus Snape)

Ron and Harriet climbed the stairs to their Divination class.

Prof. Trelawney: Harriet, you're so proud. . . I'm guessing you were born in spring?

Harriet: **blinks** No, october.

Ron: **falls over, laughing**

Harriet: Oh, Ron!

Ron: **blushes** Harri?

Harriet: I love you! Marry me!

Ron: Yes!

**insert fox-worthy make out scene**

Katie: WAITAMINUTE, if I can't manipulate my way into Slytherin and Snape's heart-

Harriet: What?!

Katie: I mean, Snape's favor, then there's NO way you can automatically end up with Ron. Got it?

Harriet: **grumbles** Fine.


Ron: Yeah! We get to go visit Hogsmeade. Are you coming, Harri?

Harriet: Well, I don't know. . . I think someone's trying to kill me.

Ron: Oh, forget it! **grabs Harriet's hand** Come on, let's go! You won't get caught. Here, use this invisibility cloak Dumbledore gave you.

Harriet: **get's a mischievous glint in her eye** Well, alright. **slips on the cloak**

(They walk for a few minuets)

Ron: **yelps** Harri! **blushes** watch your hands. . .

Harriet: **snickers**


Ron: Wow, this sure is a cool place.

Harrite: yeah.

The other villagers are watching Ron walking around talking to himself and giggling and blushing occasionaly. They give him "man you are crazy" looks and shake their heads. Ron notices this and pulls Harri over to the corner of the street where he tells her to take off her cloak.

Harriet: Why? I think someone is trying to kill me for somereason that has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with anyof the previous plot and this plot is lacking some spice.

All of a sudden (yeah, get used to it, I'm too lazy to think of a LOGICAL way for any of this stuff to happen) Magic Micheal appears and presses the big button. Then they find themselves in the Shreek Shack. There are ghouls floating around and the atmosphere is somewhat depressing. Harri thinks this is a very stupid place to end up in and can only think about getting to make out with Ron. She looks at him and says "Let's get out of here." Ron nods and they walk to the entrance which they just happen to know where it is. They reach the doors and go to open them when. "Ah, damn you, bitch, they're locked!"

What Harriet doesn't realize is that being locked in an old abandoned house is just the thing for her and Ron.

Back at Hogwarts, Katie Newt had just been surpassing Hermione in every class and test. ( And Hermione was MAD. Mad as hell. But yet, she kept her cool. Some of the teachers even liked Katie better than they liked her! Especially Snape. Katie figured if he liked her, she would be able to get into Slytherin and get out of the god-forsaken Huddlepuff, though she had absolute power over each and everyone of them. Anyway, it looked like Ms. Granger and Ms. Newt were about to have one hell of a bitch fight for who was the smartest.

Who will win? Will Shannon make out with Ron? Who Can Tell?


Katie wins.

Now, back to Harriet and Ron. Harriet decided that this would be an excellent time to slip her hand into Ron's and start fancying what it would be like to have his lips on her neck, but Magic Michael appeared and pulled them to the side.

Mike: Uhhh. . .

Ron: **irritated** Well?! What do you want?!

Mike: Nothing, I just had to interrupt the moment.

Ron: Oh, hell. Let's just get out of this sodding place, it's giving me the willies.

Harriet agrees, so she takes him to Rosalind's tavern so she can get him tanked on Butterbeer, therefore making it easier to seduce him.

Ron: Gods, Butterbeer is good.

However, before Ron could down his second drink, George and Fred came over to invite them over to Ziggy's Prank Shop, or whatever it's called. Harriet didn't seem too mad, because she really liked George and Fred. In fact, she idolized them. She grinned and jumped up and took them both by the arm, dragging them towards the door. Ron growled and followed, because he didn't know that Harriet just liked George and Fred like brothers, he thought she had a crush on them. Anyways, he follows, but kicking George and Fred in butt every now and then.

Meanwhile, Katie was putting on black leather and doing a little dominatrix thing with Snape for "extra credit"


Katie: **cackles yuffie-style, which would be evilly**

And back to Hermione, who's angry with her friends Ron and Harriet for leaving her, especially when she's in love with Ron, even though Ron and Harriet haven't done anything yet, because they're too stupid. She decides that she hates Harriet and wants to betray her, so she hatches a plan. . .


Hermione: Hatching a plot. Er. um. Yeah.. Uh. Gosh, I'm gonna need some help. Let's see. who knows lot's about hatching a plot? Uh. Draco Malfoy. or Katie Newt. but..er.. isn't she doing some er extra credit assignment right now? Um, ok Draco. Oh, boy.

Hermione walked up to the Slytherin house and saw Crabbe outside, smoking a fag.

"Wow, you smoke?" she asked him, surprised.

"Yeah, so, what do you want, ya Bloddy Griffy?" she spat at her.

"I want to speak with Draco."


"Because. I'm hatching a plot.. Only .. I don't know how."

"Well, I'm sure he'd be. delighted," he snorted, looking Hermione up and down. She gulped as she waited for Draco to come down. He came down rather quickly, looking as smug as ever.

"So, Little Hermione wants MY help? Why?"

"I. want to get rid of Harriet".



"Ah, Ron, so you like ron, eh?"

Hermione blushed at this and Draco seemed amused. DUDUDU time to bring in the.. Something that would NEVER happen..

Draco, who has been hiding a secret crush on hermione, sees his chance. "Hermione, why do you want Ron?"

"Because. That's none of your."

"Why not go for someone better?"

"Like who?"

"Like me"

DUHDUDHDUHD. What will happen next?

PS this story, in light of previous events, now has an R rating.


Draco decided that it was stupid to say what he did, so he commands Shannon to go back and delete it. So she does. Instead, he decides to help her get rid of Harriet, but woo her in the process. He starts by gently putting his arm around Hermione's shoulders and leading her into the Slythering commons-room.

Meanwhile. . .

Katie witnesses Hermione's entry into the forbidden place, and she angrily punches the wall. Said wall was enchanted, and punched back, leaving Katie unconscious for several hours. When she finally came to, she forgot what it was that made her so angry, and walked away.

Harriet, Ron, Fred, and George were hanging out in the Prank shot, looking through all the stuff, when Ron decided to get vengeance on his brothers for getting Harriet's "affections" by stuffing a lot of nasty stuff down their shirt and pants. He then ran off and grabbed a huge pile of candy, and another huge pile of Tangy Taffy, and when he got back to the Prank shop, it was already time to head back for school, so they did. Harriet was extremely disappointed because she hadn't gotten some Tangy Taffy. When they got back to the Gryffindor commons-room, they saw Hermione sitting in the corner with a dark look in her eye. Ron handed her some candy, but she refused it and ran up for bed. Harriet was still complaining about not getting any Tangy Taffy when Ron showed her a pile of it. She glomped Ron, then glomped the candy, gorging away. The next day, Mrs. McGonall was feeling generous, so she gave Harriet 150 points for successfully turning Ron into a unicycle, riding him around the room, then turning him into a cat. Unfortunately, she found that Ron-kitty was far too adorable, and decided that cuddling him for the next class instead of turning him back to normal. Hermione wanted to know where Ron was, but she wouldn't believe Harriet when she told her that Ron was the cat. When Harriet finally turned Ron back into a cat, he started yelling at her about "Having twin fantasies, than being so mean that she wouldn't at least let him suffer as a human, but having to taunt him when he's a cat." The stormed off, leaving Harriet all alone. . .


A Monologue, Spoken by *****

Not all is fair, In love and war. I can't keep up with this friggn story. I can't remember who loves who! How am I supposed to write All night If I don't know what to do! Damn It, I'm rhyming, To the tune of Shannon's stupid song. All I can hear is the stupid song. Tell me what have I done wrong? So I slept with, My teacher, Who cares they did it in Election anyway. If Shannon gets who she wants, Then why don't I too, How come I'm in Huddlepuff anyway? God Damn It! Yes! I'm finally off Shannon's stupid tune. Oh Crap, Do you know what? I'm doing it again Screw you! No not litteraly, Though now they say, I save that for my teacher anyway. Oh, Crap I hate you!

I hate you! You! B:AHAHAHAh

Harriet was vexed. What is going on? She could really use some help right now. All of a Sudden, (hahah) Katie comes walking down the hall, looking like someone straight out of hell. When she saw Harriet, she brightened though.

"How'd you like my monologue? Pretty good, eh?"

"You slept with your teacher? Ew."

Shannon: Hahahah

"Go Away." Said Katie.

Shannon obeyed.

"SO," said Katie, "What's up?"

"Well, I really need some enlightenment into what the hell is going on here."

"Well, It'll cost you,"

"Well, Come on, how much?"

"Well, let's see. Help me get into Slytherin!"

"Well, sleeping with Snape just about did it, eh?"

"Well, why the hell are all our senteces starting with well?"

"Well I don't know!"

"Which one of us is talking now?"

"Er.. I am. Me. Harri. Yah, I'll help you!"

"Ok, So it's like this.. Ron likes you. You like Ron. Ron thinks you like Fred and George. Hermione likes Ron. Draco likes Hermione. I like my teacher, duh. Got it?"

"Er, yeah.."

"So, what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know. But do you realize that this story has no plotline except for that similar to a soap opera's and is R rated and is going absolutely nowhere?"

"Yeah, but it's O.K!"


"Okay, so I'll try and get you into Slytherin."

"Thanks, Harri! You're the best! By the way, there was something I saw. . . but I can't remember what it was. Something about Hermione, and Draco. . . damnit, I can't remember. Ah, well, if it's really important, I'll remember. Anyways, I gotta go call my Mum. She told me that if I didn't call at least once a week, she'd send me 20 howlers."

Harriet was about to say something about muggles not being able to use Howlers when Hagrid came up to her and asked for help in capturing some flobberworms that got loose. Harriet's mind was so occupied with how in the WORLD Hagrid managed to lose a bunch of flobberworms that she completely forgot to find Ron and apologize. She decided that she'd get him an especially nice Christmas gift to make up for it, since Christmas was right around the bend. Almost belatedly, Harriet remembered to snap her fingers, making Katie a Slytherin.


Suddenly, Katie knew all the Slytherin passwords and secrets. Grinning, she ran off for a celebtration quicky with her Severus-baby. He'd promised he'd be done that enlargement potion today. . .


Hermione couldn't shake the feeling that Draco was touching her a little more than was necessary, but decided to ignore it. She needed the bastard's help if she was going to turn Harriet into Chimaera-food and make Ron her bitch.

(Shannon cackles evilly at the remembrance of dressing up like Sailor Moon during Social studies, then having Louis carry her books, and having Daniel laugh at him and call him Sailor Moon's bitch, Tuxedo bitch!)


After being done with the flobberworms, Harriet ran into George and Fred in the halls and managed to convince George (since Fred's evil) to carry her books, causing Fred to call George "Harriet's Bitch." Harriet remembered to try and find Ron and tell him the truth, so they could put all this nonsense behind him. Suddenly, she remembered what Katie told her about Hermione liking Ron, so she decided to talk to her, first, if they could.


Ron was feeling pretty stupid for getting mad at Harriet like that, so he decided to find her and apologize. However, when he turned the corner, he saw her laughing with his stupid brothers. Anger boiled inside of him and he turned around, charging in the other direction.


Katie was pretty pissed, because she couldn't find Severus anywhere.


Hermione was pretty pissed, because Draco couldn't keep his hands to himself, and he didn't seem to intent on getting Harriet dead.


Draco was pretty pissed, because Hermione only cared about Weasly.


George was pretty pissed, because Fred wouldn't stop calling him the Potter's House-elf Bitch.


Fred was pretty pissed, because he couldn't think up anymore clever nicknames for George.


Ron was pretty pissed, because he wanted to get Harriet in the sack and he didn't want to have to share her with anyone else. (He believes that one flower IS good enough for a bee)


Harriet was pretty pissed, because that's what she does sometimes. To vent her anger, she punched a wall, but that wall was enchanted, so. . .



Suddenly realizing what was about to happen, Albus Dumbledore summoned all of them to his office and managed to fit them all in somehow. (How? Magic) Anyway, he decided to try and put an end to the perversion that had come about throughout the school.

Dumbledore: Now. Ok. Let's see. Thanks to the no-good low down Harriet Potter, our whole school has gone perverted. I'm here to set things right. First of all, Hermione, you love Draco.

With a wave of his wand, Hermione and Draco disappeared somewhere. I'd rather not go there.

Dumbledore: Fred and George get lost. We don't want you here. Ok, Good, go. Now, Harri and Ron.

All of a sudden, (yes, AGAIN) Magic Micheal came out of nowhere, and pressed the big button. A flying purple pig crashed through the window.

MM: Listen. I don't want a happy ending. Now. this just seems a little too perfect. er. Let's make things INTERESTING. Now, see this sword?

A hologram of a sword floated in the air. It was encrusted with all of the symbols of the four houses. Then, it split into four swords.

MM: The four destined rulers must find these swords. Whoever finds them will have absolute power over the house. Have fun.

Hermione glared at Ron who glared at Harriet who glared at Draco who glared at Katie who was looking at Severus when Percy walked by and her eyes seemed to follow him and Harriet's too which seemed to frustrate both Severus and Ron and what the hell let's just say it bothered Draco and Fred and George and hey Dumbledore too cuz maybe he had a thing for one of the students or maybe Percy but that wouldn't be right but WHAT THE HELL none of this er story is right.

Now, back to Shannon with "Sports" action.


Ron: AARRRG!!!! What's with you and my family?!

Harriet: No time! Must get sword! **grabs Ron by the hand** Let's go!!

**GIVE A REASON plays in the backround**

Harriet: Nega mugashii, jikan no murega, hashire mukeru, machina sabanna (SAVANNA)-

Katie: Alright, that's enough. **looks evil** If I get all FOUR swords. . .

Harriet: **takes Ron's hands** Ron, you can have me, you can have all of me, but you can't have my feet. I'm sorry, they just don't swing that way.

Ron: I understand.

Harriet: And I don't really want to be able to rule Gryffindor, so hell, let's just say that Lee Jordan finds it, because Lee's just cool.

Ron: Uh huh.

Harriet: Anyways, I want to play a game of Quidditch. Last person on the pitch is a rotten dragon egg!

(They all run out on the pitch and mount their trust brooms, but Hermione falls off and can't play)

Harriet: But Katie thinks she's so smart for making a plot line, let's let her write more to it.


Harriet is still running around giving orders to whoever she feels like running around like she owns the place and it really starts to piss people off. Katie gets so mad that after scoring a few hundred points single- handedly, storms off the pich yelling that Shannon doesn't know when she is beat. She storms into Severus' class room. He looks at her quizzically then says.

"What ever is the matter, my dear?"

She looks at him and sighs. "That er- cow Harriet. She was supposed to be my friend,"

"Aw, well, isn't that a shame? Sometimes, you just have to let friends go."

"Are you playing mind games with me?"


"You are, aren't you? You're screwing with my head! You stupid bloody bastard! You have no right to. urg! That's it! It's over! I didn't ever really like you anyway! I was just using you to get to Slytherin. Yeah! Yeah! What do you have to say about that? Hun?"

And with that, Katie stormed out of the room. She walked down the hall furiously, in a mad rage, She stopped and went to punch the wall, when she stopped and realized it might be enchanted. But she did not care and punched the damn thing anyway. Better to be unconcious than living in this crap-tacular place! She took a deep breath, punched the wall and screamed

"I want to go home!"

The scream was heard by Severus in his room. He didn't bat an eye. Hm, let's see. disturbing the peace. Yes, I can have her expelled for that.

The wall opened. Yes, it just opened like sliding double doors. Katie opened her eyes wide and stepped down the dark stairs to where a light was shining. At the foot of the stairs she saw the Huddlepuff sword lying on an altar. She ran down and a voice rang in her head.

"Those who dare to take The huddlepuff sword Beware, beware, You have been warned. More you will crave. Harder it will be to find. Old alliances can help. Keep them in mind. Though as you trek through, Remember these words do, Think of what you crave most: Then ask of yourself Is this to what I toast?

"What I want most." Katie whispered as she picked up the sword, and held it high above her head, half expecting one of those little fan fares like "Ash got the Bicycle" or something and when nothing happened she sighed and took the sword with her.

Harriet was being a real pain in the ass to the people around her. Hermione had to be taken to the Hospital wing and Draco went with her, so the other team had no seeker. Fred and George got tired of looking up Harriet's robes and went to hit on some Ravenclaw girls whom they heard were easy. Ron was getting really fed up with her and was starting to doubt ever liking her at all.

Little do they know that Katie has the first sword and is on her way right now to Dumbledore's office to ask him if he knows anything about where the Ravenclaw one is hidden.

What will happen in Dumbledore's office? Will Katie truly findout the meaning of "glomp?" Only god knows.



Ron: Yes, you do.

Harriet: Oh, come on, not when it comes to Quidditch, and not that badly. . .

Ron: **blink, blink** Good god, Harri, you're developping a british accent.

Harriet: Am I really? You know what, Ron? I think we should leave this story for morning, since I am getting WAY too tired to write anything.


Katie: Are you really now? Are you?

Harriet: Yes.

insert ackward pause

Harriet: Wait a tic. you're trying to play mind games with me! Well, fine! I never really liked you anyway! You SUCK, bitch!

Katie: Damn it. It appears that my little speech has backfired on me.

Proffesor McGongall walked up to Katie and said

MG: Dumbledore wants to see you in his office.

Katie: Err. Why?

MG: You're in big trouble.

Katie: What?!?!?

Harriet: Translation: You're ina huge pile of shit and it does not look like you're getting out of it anytime soon.

Katie: I know that dumbass, I don't need any smart-alecky comments from you, you wana be British Freak!

So Katie was marched up to Dumbledore's offices in silence. When they arrived there, she was greeted by the headmaster, Snape and, yes, Magic Micheal.

Katie: What the hell are you doing here?

MM: I'm here for the show!

Katie: What?

Dumbledore: Now, Ms.Newt, it is going to be a real shame to have to expell such a . promising student. But however, Proffesor Snape has a few allegations against you.

Snape: Breaking and entering, Changing houses without permission, Disturbing the peace, Damaging school property, Stealing potions and other miscellanious items. and treason.

Katie: TREASON?? For what?

Snape: Leaking Quddich information to other houses, of course!

Katie: What the.?

Dumbledore: I'm sorry, but treason is punishable with removal from the magick arts.

Katie: Magic Micheal help me! You know I didn't do anyof that! Come on, Mike!

MM: Ok. But you did sleep with your teacher!

A few startled gasps escape the room.

Katie: No actually, if you want the truth, I did not! That Is one of Shannon's little er. inventions to make the plot more sickening and gross. I did not sleep with my teacher, damn it! And there is no way that you can hold that against me because I DID NOT DO IT! Ha! What do you all have to say about that? Snape's just ticked because I wouldn't! There you go. Anyway, expell me if you want; I have the Huddlepuff sword and soon I will have them all! **que demonic laughing**

Meanwhile. Back with Harriet and Ron.

Harriet: Oh, No! We have to help Kate.

Ron: Why? She's evil!

Harriet: No, not really.

Ron: Anyway, you said that you wanted to talk to me?

Harriet: Hun? Er.. I forgot..

Ron: Oh, fine then. just forget about me.

Harriet: No, wait, actually I remember. Er I wanted to tell you that I don't like Fred and George.

Ron: You don't?

Harriet: No, stupid, I just like them as friends!

Ron: Really?

Harriet: Yes.

Ron grabs Harriet and ***insert fox-worthy makeout scene***

Back to Katie in Dumbledore's office.

MM: Run, Katie, Run!

Katie: Wait a tic.. I have a better idea.

She snaps her fingers and in a flash of bright light she dissapears, leaving the Proffesors befuddled.

MG: Hey, she's not supposed to be able to do that!

Snape: I cant even do that!

Dumbledore: How did she.

MM: Magic!

Katie found herself in the Slytherin commons-room where a very pissed looking Hermoine was trying to keep Draco Malfoy off her.

Hermoine: Keep your hands off me, Draco!

Draco: What?

Katie: Hermione! Come on I have to ask you something.

Hermoine: What's this? Little Miss Perfect wants to ask ME something?

Katie: Stop being a bitch and come with me.

Hermione: Where are we going?

Katie pulled Hermione out of the room and asked her if she knew where the sword was. As soon as she said that the floor opened up and the two girls fell down and landed on the floor. The sword of Ravenclaw was on a red pillow and Katie scrambled to get it. Again, there was no fanfare. Katie picked up the sword and snapped her fingers and she disapeared, leaving Hermione on the ground with no way to get out.

What will happen next? What WILL happen next? No, WHAT WILL happen next?


Harriet and Ron manage to kill Snape, get the Gryffindor and Slytherin swords, and send Katie to Azkaban where she goes insane.


Hermione stayed in the pit until Draco helped her out, but only if she promised to escort him into manhood. Albus Dumbledore went on to write the Foreword to the special editions of Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them, and Quidditch Through The Ages. And Harriet and Ron made out, and lived happily ever after.


Katie: Hang on just one doggon minute!!!!!!! That is NOT the ending! Erg. Let's just put it like THIS..

Katie found all of the swords and got absolute power but got bored and lazy and accidentaly lost one of them and said oh piss off and ran away with Percy just to piss off Penelope Clearwater because she didn't like the way she said "Jam".

Harriet and Ron made out forever and graduated from hogwarts and then got married and had three kids whom they named Salamander, Crocodille and Lizard. Untill one day when Duo Maxwell showed up and Harriet who changed back into Shannon ran away with him to Anime Land.

Hermoine and Draco lived happily ever after.

Dumbledore went crazy after findingout about his student's little perversions and had to be locked up.

Snape killed himself in his grief.

Actually no, not really, George and Fred poisoned him and became joint- headboys.

Magic Micheal and the water pixies lived happily ever after in a polygamous marrige.