By: General Quistis & Zhakeena
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the story plot and the title; any resemblance to any other plots or titles is purely coincidental.
Trepe's Note: Hell, if you're just going to flame this, just go away. I don't need lowlifes like you to tell me that my work is bad because I already know that! You'll just be wasting your time. Yes, I know that Rufus and Aerith died. You don't need to point it all out and what discs they died in, dammit! But for this fic, they're alive, okay?!?!? Just shut the hell up!!! @o@' (I just hate flamers, that's all… I mean, there are other people out there to flame; but why me???!!!! DAMN!)
But anyway, don't let the title deceive you… this is not an Aerith+Rufus fic… Oh yeah, and don't mind the OOC. After all, this is a stupid attempt at a humor fic. Duh.
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Red XIII used his paws to open the door and tried to hold in his laughter upon seeing the Turks in their baby blue uniforms. "Oh, hello. What can we do for you?" he asked politely.
"Uh… yeah. Right. We'd like to see Aerith Gainsborough, please…" Elena answered.
"Er… why?" Red XIII asked.
"Cause the Prez asked us to do so. Now, step aside," Reno said, making his way in the house, with Elena and Rude behind him.
"Uh-oh…" Red XIII said, running up the stairs.
"Oh, the Turks. What are you doing here?" Tifa asked uneasily.
"We're looking for Ms. Gainsborough. Is she in here?" Elena asked.
"Uh… she's upstairs, a bit sick really. Can this wait? Who sent you here, anyway?" Tifa asked.
"President Rufus did. And no, this can't wait," Reno answered.
Tifa froze. "Rufus ShinRa is alive?!" she managed to say.
"Uh… yeah?! And he told us to paint the ShinRa Tower pink, fill our office with all sorts of flowers that makes us really, really cranky, and other stuff I can't comprehend!!!" Reno said irritably.
"… not to mention give us new uniforms…" Rude added, not wanting to admit that he likes his new uniform.
Tifa tried not to laugh. "Gee, I wonder what's gotten into him…" she said.
"I don't know, but I really don't mind the flowers…" Elena said. "Anyway, back to business. Could we see Aerith now?"
Cloud arrived from upstairs and looked at the Turks. "Uh… what are you all doing here?"
"Aw, great, another dolt to explain everything over again!" Reno wailed exasperatingly. Elena sighed herself, too, before telling Cloud that "President Rufus ordered us to take Aerith to ShinRa building, Mr. Strife…"
Cloud frowned upon hearing that. "I don't think so. What's that brat up to now?" he said in annoyance.
Red XIII thought, "Geez, Cloud, you'd be regretting calling Aerith a brat…"
"Please, Mister Strife? President Rufus will be angry coz he asked us nicely to take Miss Gainsborough to him! He really wishes to have her as a guest!" Elena pleaded.
Cloud raised his eyebrow at her. "Aerith only?" he asked twitching.
"Uh-oh… Jealous…" Vincent muttered to Tifa while nudging her. She scratched her head before raising her hand. "I'll go with her if you want to, Cloud," she said.
"No, I'll go with her," Cloud said.
"I don't think the Prez wants to see you, Mister Strife," Reno snorted before going upstairs himself.
"Hey, where the heck are you going? Hey? HEY?!" Cloud shouted after Reno, trying to overtake him at the stairs (which was a hard task, because Reno was taller, had longer legs and the stairs wasn't exactly suitable for running on.) Cloud ended up slipping and hanging onto the banister for dear life.
Reno finally reached the second floor and opened the doors to all the rooms.
The said Turk face-faulted upon realizing that the first door he opened was a bathroom. And that Cid Highwind was not yet finished with his business. (seeing that he was sitting on the "throne" with the Sports page…)
Cid's eyes widened in shock. "What the @#$%*^%&$##@!#$$%%^/!" he cursed, surprised at the Turk.
Reno smiled sheepishly. "Hey, hey, hey! Nice ass!" he joked before shutting the door again and rushed to the second door he saw. He opened it and saw a little girl sleeping (Marlene). "Aww." He said before shutting it again. He turned around and saw
Tifa running up to him with a furious face. "What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, barging into the rooms like that?! Why I oughtta…"
"Sheesh, calm down already, I'm down to the last door in this hallway, ain't I?" Reno drawled lazily as he opened the door. Peering in, he saw who was recognized to be Aerith, lying on the bed, covering her face while muttering what hears like incantations under her breath.
"Yo, Gainsborough! We're gonna take you to the ShinRa Tower!" Reno yelled, as Tifa was telling him angrily that Aerith needed rest because she's sick from not eating for the past few days and all that…
Rufus instantly reacted upon hearing Reno's voice. He got up from bed. "Really?" he asked.
"Yeah, and Tiffy here is going with you coz we can't take your blonde boyfriend. Heheheh," Reno said before reaching for Tifa's butt and pinched it.
Before Tifa could react, "Aerith" was already beside Reno in a blink of an eye with a demented angry look on "her" face. "YOU……………" Rufus growled in Aerith's voice.
Tifa stepped away from the two because "Aerith" really looked so scary.
Rufus twisted Aerith's mouth into a cruel smile, "Salary deduction," he growled in Aerith's voice.
"Salary deduction? You can't give me a salary deduction, you're just a flower girl! Prez Rufus is the only one who can give me salary deductions, honey," Reno said while patting "Aerith's" head.
Annoyed, "Aerith" reached for his hand and bit it.
***
Cloud and the others heard Reno's shrill scream. "What the…" Elena began in disbelief before rushing upstairs.
Rude followed after her.
"Aerith!" Cloud went after them.
Vincent and Red XIII started to laugh when everyone was already upstairs. (So unlikely of them, though…)
By the time everyone from downstairs was upstairs, Reno was swearing loudly, "Aerith" looked like she was on the verge of exploding, and Tifa was shocked and at the same time angry out of her wits.
"Reno? What the hell did you do?!" Elena squeaked, in fear of pissing anybody else off.
"I was acting like Reno! Then outta nowhere, Flower Girl here bit my ^&#$in' hand!!!" Reno answered. ("Serves you right!" a voice from the bathroom chimed in)
"Whaddya mean by acting like Reno?" Cloud demanded angrily.
"Acting like himself, that's for sure… Hmf!" Rufus replied before crossing Aerith's arms across her chest and snorting angrily.
They were interrupted when Rude's mobile phone began to ring. Rude instantly answered it, "Yes, ma'am?" he asked stiffly.
"Kyah! What the hell's going on with you Turkeys!? You're taking too long! Where's the flower girl?" Scarlet's voice could be heard from it.
"Uhm… we'll be right there, Miss Scarlet. Is President Rufus angry already?" Rude asked.
"That's what I'm frantic about… he's supposed to be angry right now coz you're taking too long but he's still DISTURBINGLY AND STRANGELY CALM!!!!! Kyah!" Scarlet reacted.
"Rufus? Calm?" Cloud, Reno and Elena all asked at the same time.
"What's he doing to pass the time?" Rude asked suddenly.
"Watering the petunias." Scarlet replied with a ridiculous tone.
Silence.
Rude hung up with a shaky expression on his face.
"Let's go! President Rufus is watering petunias!" Rude said.
"Watering petunias?" Cloud asked in disbelief.
"Oh, that's his new pastime. Heehee!" Elena explained.
Rufus wanted to faint but Tifa got Aerith's hand. "Let's go, Aerith." And turned to Cloud, "Don't worry, Cloud, Aerith will be fine." She said before following the Turks out of the room.
After letting themselves comprehend the 'situation,' Yuffie whispered to the others, "Hey, should we follow them?"
"Yes, I don't think Rufus is up to anything good. Especially since he's… ugh… watering the petunias," Cloud said with a slight wince.
"What's wrong with watering the petunias? That sounds pah-fectly relaxing, don't you think?" Vincent asked with sarcasm dripping from his voice.
"It means that he's INSANE. Probably worse than Sephiroth. Might end up killing Aerith and Tifa!!!" Cloud practically snarled.
……..
"Hey, Vinny, he said Sephiroth! Teeheehee!" Yuffie said, nudging him at the ribs.
"… Shut up," Vincent replied miserably.
"Anyhow, Cloud has a point. Let's follow them from a safe distance," Red XIII said. Then the group proceeded to wait for Cid, who started cussing in the bathroom that he wants to come along with them after he's finished dealing with the LBM.
***
"Eh… President Rufus, sir! Kyah… the Turks are here with Ms. Aerith Gainsborough and Ms. Tifa Lockheart, sir!" Scarlet reported, trying to ignore the tune her "dear President" was humming as he clipped some roses, this time, in the President's office.
"Hmmm? Oh, that's great! Bring them here, I'll catch up after I clean up," Aerith, still in Rufus' body of course, replied.
Scarlet forced an uneasy smile on "him". "Kyah… don't bother yourself with that mess, I'll get somebody to clean that up for you…"
For a moment, Aerith blanked out, and suddenly remembering that Rufus was bossier than this, snapped (as well as she could) "Well then! See to it that you do! And… uhm… Have some sense to dress up more decently, Scarlet!"
Scarlet froze, but some sense of relief washed over her. That was, until "Rufus" added, "Please?" while batting the eyelashes.
Scarlet could feel her hairs rising. Then, she fainted.
"Hey, Scarlet!" Reeve rushed to her.
"Oh my! I wonder why she fainted! Must be the heat!" Aerith said with a shocked look on Rufus's face.
Everyone was literally staring at "Rufus" now. "I think he's gay," Heidegger whispered to Palmer.
"Yuck, I'll quit if that is so…" Palmer muttered miserably.
They were all interrupted when "Aerith", Tifa and the other Turks entered the office.
Aerith and Rufus stared at one another for a while.
"Can you guys leave us for a while in here?" Rufus commanded in Aerith's voice.
"Leave you here?" Tifa asked.
"Yes, please," Aerith replied in Rufus's voice.
Silence.
Since the other executives and the Turks were too freaked-out to contradict, they just left, but Tifa was still there, standing there in disbelief like her feet were stuck to the ground and she could not move.
"You too, Tifa," "Aerith" told her.
Tifa smiled uneasily at "Aerith" "I see, so you and Rufus are together," she said.
Cloud and the others were in the ceiling, hiding there, listening quietly.
"No, we're not, it's just that…" "Rufus" replied.
"No, don't worry, I understand… I just don't know what Cloud is going to say…" Tifa replied, her voice faltering before she ran out of the room.
Up in the vent, Yuffie, Vincent and Barret were struggling to hold Cloud down and cover his mouth to prevent him from screaming because he just realized that Aerith had made a fool out of him.
Knowing that they were already alone, Rufus spoke up, "So, what now?" he asked with a grouchy look on Aerith's face.
Aerith began to cry, which looked strange on Rufus's body. "What's Cloud going to think?! I miss him already!" she wailed.
Everybody in the vent froze. "Rufus misses Cloud?!" Yuffie asked in disbelief.
Red XIII and Vincent were really trying to control their laughter.
"Ugh… what about me? I really was beginning to appreciate Tifa…" Rufus told her.
Barret gasped. "Shit! Aerith is a dyke?!" he said in disbelief.
Outside, the Turks and the other executives were also listening. "I knew it, President Rufus is gay… and that girl Aerith is a dyke!" Reno said in disbelief.
Tifa wondered what those Turks and the executives were talking about. "Hey, you people have no business…" she began, but the Executives and the Turks motioned for her to join in. Frowning slightly, but still curious about what's really going on with Rufus and Aerith, she joined them anyway.
They heard Rufus's voice laughing, "Oh, so you like Tifa but can't make a move coz you're in my body and everyone else will really think that I am a tomboy coz they'll see my body near Tifa and… am I making sense?"
"Whatever, Aerith," they heard Aerith's voice laughing.
Suddenly, it all made sense to them.
Tifa fainted.
Cloud and co. in the vent (except maybe Vincent and Red XIII) gaped at the scene below.
"Hear that, Cloud?" Yuffie said, eyes wide with surprise.
Cloud wanted to babble out, "I attempted to kiss Rufus ShinRa?!?! Oh my G…" not wanting to blow their cover, though, he swallowed it all up and fainted, himself.
Vincent and Red XIII sniggered.
The Turks all had bug-eyes.
The Executives' jaws were practically on the floor.
"So… what now? I can't stay in your teeny, flowery, no-air-conditioner, AVALANCHE-infested house for much longer …" Rufus complained.
"Well, what about Tifa?" Aerith asked.
"You didn't make me finish my sentence," Rufus said miserably.
"Okay then, finish it," she said.
"…at least in your body, I can't stay there… but if I'm back in my own body, I can stay there… with Tifa. Heheh," and flipped Aerith's hair.
"Stop doing that to my hair, you're dislocating my bangs!" Aerith told him.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever… anyway, you did not use hair gel to brush back my hair. Now I look like a hippie or something… something worse than Reno!" Rufus commented.
Reno heard that and he raked his fingers through his own hair. "I don't see anything wrong with my hair," he said.
"Shh!" Elena warned.
"Okay, so back to business, have you found the cure yet?" Rufus asked.
"Yes and no…" Aerith replied.
"What do you mean, Yes and No?" Rufus said in annoyance.
"Well, uh…" Aerith hesitated, tracing her feet on the floor (which looks strange on Rufus), "I… found some notes in the ShinRa labs that mentions something about mind-switching…"
"So? What's the problem with that?" Rufus demanded impatiently.
"Uh…. If I'm not wrong, it requires a brain operation… besides, it was Professor Hojo's notes, so I highly doubt the safety and reliability…" Aerith finished in a low voice.
"Are there other ways?" Rufus asked, knowing that Hojo's techniques are really dangerous.
Silence.
"There is one, though… I don't know if it's possible," Aerith said.
"What?" Rufus asked impatiently.
"Revive Sephiroth."
Silence.
Yuffie and Red XIII nudged Vincent. "Hey, Vinny, Aerith said revive Sephiroth," Yuffie muttered.
Vincent was already beginning to lose his patience at the two.
Rufus laughed when he heard the name Sephiroth.
"Why? What's so funny?" Aerith asked him.
"Oh you know… just made fun of one of your friends, Valentine, told him Sephiroth's in the Lifestream and misses him dearly," Rufus said.
Aerith gasped. "Oh my God, Rufus! You told Vincent the truth?!" She exclaimed.
Vincent couldn't help screaming "WHAT?!?!?"
Aerith and Rufus stiffened. The former had a glum look on the face, "Geez… just as I've thought… they followed…"
Rufus rushed to Aerith and reached for the shotgun hidden behind the long white jacket, "Gimme my shotgun!" he said.
"No! Don't shoot them!" Aerith pleaded.
"But they're invading our privacy here!" Rufus snapped impatiently.
But without further a do, the vent gave way and everyone inside fell to the ground before Rufus and Aerith.
Vincent instantly got up and strangled Rufus who was still in Aerith's body. "You!!!!!" he said angrily.
"Hey, stop that!" Aerith tried to push Vincent away from Rufus.
More shouting and more commotion…
***
Four hours later, they were already calm. Vincent was eyeing Rufus angrily while trying to ignore the laughing Red XIII, Yuffie, Reno and Elena.
Tifa was still stunned while looking unbelievably at Rufus and Aerith.
Rufus was still smiling nastily at Vincent with Aerith's face. "I'm too angelic to be punched, huh?" Rufus asked him.
"Shut up," Vincent muttered miserably, not wanting to hit Aerith's face. "Just wait 'til you get back to your own body," he thought miserably.
"What were you saying again about reviving Sephiroth?" Cloud asked, interrupting the tension.
"If we revive him, there's gonna be a chance that Lifestream's not gonna allow it, just like Rufus's revival. With him around, the three of us will be switching. Then it's gonna be even more confusing than before…" Aerith said thoughtfully.
"Yeah, and Sephy might be using this chance to snog Vinny…" Reno sneered.
"Whaddya mean?" Vincent argued, his face literally turning red already.
"If he's in Aerith's body…" Reno began.
"I get the idea; don't elaborate anymore," Vincent muttered miserably before looking away.
Silence.
Laughter.
Vincent glared at them.
Silence again.
"Okay, seriously… so if the three of us will switch, how can we get back to our own bodies?" Rufus asked.
"I'm sure Sephiroth can think of something," Aerith said.
"How can a crazy person think of something?" Cloud asked airily.
"He's not crazy anymore when we saw him in the Lifestream," Rufus explained while eyeing Vincent.
"Will you stop staring at me? How come whenever the name is mentioned, everyone is looking at me?" Vincent asked.
"Because Sephiroth lurves you," Reno teased.
Punch.
"….hey, of all people, why Sephiroth?! Why not Lucrecia or… ugh… Heaven forbid, Hojo…" Vincent muttered.
"Hojo is better off dead," Aerith replied with a nasty look.
"And Lucrecia?" Reeve asked.
Rufus patted Vincent's shoulders, "Vincent, Lucrecia told me to tell you to take care of Sephy-baby for her…"
Vincent glared at him.
"Just kidding." Rufus replied.
"Why not Lucrecia?" insisted Vincent.
"Okay, add her to the list." Aerith said.
Silence.
Rufus, Cloud, Reno, Yuffie and Red XIII began to laugh. "Heheheheheh! I can't wait 'til Lucrecia gets into Sephiroth's body and we see Vincent hugging her in Sephiroth's body?!" Reno laughed happily.
"Hahahahaha! Better get the camcorder, guys!" Cloud chimed in.
Tifa covered her mouth to stop herself from laughing.
Aerith just shook her head in disbelief.
"Wait, how are we going to revive Lucrecia and Sephiroth?" Reeve asked.
"We're going to pray for them," Aerith said.
Silence.
"Pray?" Reno asked. It wasn't really one of his own "Reno ways".
Vincent was just quiet, trying to stop himself from smiling. "Finally, Lucrecia is mine!" he thought happily.