Bloopers: His and Hers Series

NOTE: This collection of bloopers is submitted by the readers of this series. Thank you to every single one of them, I really appreciate it whether you write one of a bunch of bloopers. I listed the bloopers by the name of the writer to make it easier for me to archive it. Rated R for the ... errr ... language and suggestion *wink*.

AN: I'm so sorry about the formatting. I'm not completely sure what happened, but I can't make it behave itself.



***

By Alice S aka Carter (Movielover03 on Fanfiction.net)

17.46 : Sam Carter

Can I buy my way out of this?

17.46 : Jack O'Neill

Interesting. What are you offering?

17.47: Sam Carter

My place, 19.00.

17.48: Jack O'Neill

That might change my mind.

***

By Amy

14.23 : Sam Carter

Sir, my lab is not a movie theatre. I demand you treat it with more respect.

14.23 : Jack O'Neill

So, no making out in the back row then?

***

By Biruk

14.22 : Jack O'Neill

I knew that you would agree with me.

So, the place where we spend most of our time on the base, huh? I know yours is your lab. Where you do all those mind boggling experiments, invent all those impossible machines, test every alien object that comes from the Stargate, rewrite the law of physics, and don't forget that it was the place where you think up all those wacky ideas of yours.

Can you guess mine?

14.23 : Sam Carter

You know, they say the first thing someone does after a war is indicative of their deepest desires. So what was the first thing you did after Kuwait?

14.23 : Jack O'Neill

Oh, I got myself some head.

14.23 : Jack O'Neill

Carter? Why'd you just scream like that? Hammond's looking.

14.24 : Sam Carter

You got SOME HEAD?

14.24 : Jack O'Neill

Yeah. You just can't get any good head in the Air Force.

14.25 : Jack O'Neill

Major? Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost.

14.26 : Sam Carter

Sir? You're GAY? Oh WHY can't I ever get any?!

14.27 : Jack O'Neill

Carter?

14.27 : Sam Carter

What?

14.27 : Jack O'Neill

You don't drink beer, do you?

14.28 : Sam Carter

Beer?

14.28 : Jack O'Neill

Because the foam on top of the beer is called head, you know that?

14.28 : Jack O'Neill

From the way you're blushing, I don't think I want to know what head means to you.

***

By Crazy Gal

---

His 2IC and Her CO

---

13.41 : Sam Carter

Gee, Sir. You have to think about something nice about me? For AN hour? I'm touched. Really.

13.41 : Jack O'Neill

No, I just need an hour to edit out all the bits that no-one should know. Like the way your eyes sparkle... anyway. This is stupid!

---

18.12 : Jack O'Neill

Don't give away all my secrets, Carter.

Oh well, I did promise to say something nice about you. So, here it is.

My first impression on Carter was that she was a smart-ass. Well, she's smart and she knows it all too well. So, she uses it to her advantage. She's strong and very confident. Long story short, she's a brat.

Also, we can't forget that rear of hers. Uhum...

But there are things in the last 7 years that changed her. Cassie and Jolinar are two of the few major ones. She's still smart (thanks God for that), still confident, still strong and still uses it to her advantage (because that's what a smart girl does). However, she has opened herself up a little, loosened up a bit, and learned how to disobey a direct order (I was so damn proud of her; we did save the planet because of it, of course, that was the first time, the second time was a little more interesting...). She has learned to question my decisions (not always a bad thing), make fun of me in her annoyingly polite way (so that I couldn't bring her up on insubordination charges) and the most important thing is that she stayed true to herself. If someone (including me) does something that upsets her, she'll let them know. If someone does something right, she'll give them the credit that they deserved.
She's a friend. A damn good one as well.

And it's a bonus that her sense of humour is as twisted as mine.

There, serious enough for you?

---

18.14 : Jack O'Neill

Nah, I don't need organizers, thanks anyway. But you could help me with something else.

18.14 : Sam Carter

What is it?

18.15 : Jack O'Neill

Well, you know how my knee's been giving me problems lately? It's acting up again. So I thought, go see Doc and get stuck full of needles, or beg Carter for another massage. I decided to beg.

By the way, Ferretti came to my office around 1500 hours. He told me something interesting. Something to do with a certain blonde Major and this 'waste of time' joined journal. Something you want to say to me, oh certain blonde Major?

Of course, the massage would get you out of any punishment.

---

19.39 : Jack O'Neill

Do you know how boring the accountant was? I was practically asleep while trying to listen to what he had to say.

And then, my mind started wandering, you know how it does that. It's not very good to be having those kind of thoughts when listening to an accountant. You know that right, Carter?

I mean, drooling just isn't respectable. And it's all your fault. If you hadn't sent the accountant, I could have thought in peace, and if I'd never met you, I'd have no need to think those thoughts in the first place.

19.40 : Sam Carter

You think about me? They better be good thoughts! If not, I'm going to have to come over there and... well, never mind about that.

Did we get the equipment?

---

23.51 : Sam Carter

Right.

I have a confession to make.....

...

I know you're in your house right now, Sir. So I figure if you want to kill me after reading this, at least I have one more night to live. Please let me know how many nights I have left.

But remember, once I'm gone, I'm gone, and you can't get me back. I'm not like Daniel, I can actually get killed.

Besides, if you let me live longer, I'll make it worth your while.

Yours,

Carter

PS: I lied about the name out the hat thing. Sorry. But you would have had my head on a platter if I had told you the truth earlier.

23.55 : Jack O'Neill

This is your lucky day, Carter.

I'm not home yet. Daniel borrowed my car to run some errands.

So ... you decided to have fun at my expense huh? And lied to me as well?

And actually admitting it?

Brave, Carter. Very brave. But foolish.

Run, Carter, run. If you still want to have nights to spend, I suggest you run.

Right over to my place quick smart. I'm on my way.

23.56 : Sam Carter

Aye, aye, Colonel. I'm running with fear right now. (And I'm bringing chocolate, you get the wine).

PS: I'm on the phone with Daniel right now. He's in Janet's office.

23.56 : Jack O'Neill

Darn it.

And tone the sarcasm down a bit Carter. Make sure you bring the good stuff.

Tell Daniel 'thank you' for being such a friend

23.56 : Sam Carter

Come on, Sir. This wasn't too bad, was it?

I mean, we could talk to each other like this, no one will know. (Right now, just to give you an example of how we can talk, I am removing your black leather jacket...)

And why can't I be sarcastic? I can't do it outside this journal.

23.57 : Jack O'Neill

The shrink will know.

Darn it woman. Don't play the guilt trip on me. Besides, you're always sarcastic in the mornings.

Okay then, you can stay as sarcastic as you like.

---

23.57 : Jack O'Neill

Hey!

What makes you think that I'll play along with this journal? There's nothing in it for me.

23.57 : Sam Carter

I bought some bubble bath the other day. Wood scented, so not too girly. I'll let you try it out with me.

23.57 : Jack O'Neill

Tempting, but no. I'm sure I can think some much less painful way to get you to offer that to me.

23.58 : Sam Carter

Fine.

Cheat codes for any 10 computer games. Your pick.

23.58 : Jack O'Neill

Interesting. And how come you never offered me this before?

23.58 : Sam Carter

Well, I have to have something to get out of this kind of situation.

And you rejected my bubblebath idea. (I hope you realise that you're bathing alone tonight!)

23.58 : Jack O'Neill

I'm wasting my time. Of course you have to have something like this.

And I will *not* bath alone. My rubber ducky will keep me company.

23.59 : Sam Carter

You're the one who taught me.

Ah, how could I forget the rubber ducky? You are just a big kid you know.

So, how many nights do I have left?

I have lots of ideas of how to spend them...

23.59 : Jack O'Neill

You're safe. For now.

Alright, I'm going to bed.

Night Carter, and drive safely.

And, for crying out loud, hurry up! The bed's getting cold.

24.00 : Sam Carter

Yes Colonel.

24.00 : Jack O'Neill

That's 'Jack' to you, not 'Colonel', or 'darling' or 'my hero' or something... I'm sure you can think of something.

Don't forget to watch your back tomorrow. You might be safe, but you're not that safe. (And I've always wanted to jump you on base).

24.00 : Sam Carter

Thanks for the warning. And thanks for agreeing to this.

See you soon. Real soon, I promise.

Get the wine out.

And 'darling', be nice, or I'll have to think up some other names, Pumpkin.

---

His Archaeologist, Her CMO and Their Jaffa

---

05.30 : Jack O'Neill

Hey, where are you? And you better be in the SGC, Major.

05.32 : Sam Carter

Yes, I'm in the SGC. Sorry, but I have work to do, and need to keep up my 'good-girl' image.

And contrary to popular belief, I do sleep at night, so don't worry, I didn't leave straight away.

05.32 : Jack O'Neill

Could've fooled me. Anyway, want something from the outside world for breakfast?

05.32 : Sam Carter

Blueberry muffin from your regular coffee shop would be great. Thanks for offering, Jack.

Oh, and if you could manage to get here around 07:00, the camera in my office will be turned off. Just letting you know, seeing as you did say you wanted to jump me...

05.33 : Jack O'Neill

Part of the service. See you in your office at 07.00.

05.33 : Sam Carter

See you there.

---

05.34 : Jack O'Neill

Oh well, I guess you're right. I'll see you on the base then. I'm going to take a shower now.

05.35 : Sam Carter

I'm going to take one as well. See you in my office, Sir.

---

11.54 : Jack O'Neill

I'm bored.

What are you doing now?

11.55 : Sam Carter

I'm performing an experiment to determine the decay rate of the new mineral that SG-7 found on P98 766.

Wanna help me?

11.56 : Jack O'Neill

Carter, I'm bored. Not suicidal.

11.56 : Sam Carter

Sir, it's only an experiment. Not a dangerous mission.

And I'm not going to bite. Neither will my equipment.

Well actually, I might, if you ask me to.

11.56 : Jack O'Neill

I'm on my way.

Hey, why does the question come out at 13.00? Why not earlier?

11.56 : Sam Carter

Because we've had our lunch by then. It's always a good thing to do this with your stomach full. So that no one gets cranky.

11.57 : Jack O'Neill

Oh well, I was hoping to do something else with a full stomach.

I'm approaching your lab. You ready?

11.57 : Sam Carter

Absolutely.

---

13.46 : Sam Carter

SIR! That's just mean. Janet is not that bad.

Did you just have your physical examination this morning?

13.46 : Jack O'Neill

Yes, I did. Carter, put yourself in my position, give her a needle and lock us in a room for a day. I dare you to say that again after that.

I bet the Doc has some kind of personal vendetta against me. She's always nice to the others.

13.47 : Sam Carter

Okay, maybe you have a point there. Janet can be quite scary when she has her needle with her. And she doesn't have anything against you, Sir.

However, your lack of cooperation when you are in her care might affect her judgment of you.

But no matter what, she's still my best friend.

Although, I might have to talk to her about locking you in rooms. Think I could get a doctor's degree?

13.47: Jack O'Neill

Carter, you get a doctor's degree, and I promise to be sick for the rest of my life. How's that sound?

I'd sign you off as medically proficient.

---

16.46 : Sam Carter

Are you sure about the puppy-dog eyes? It's more like doe-eyes to me.

And don't worry about anyone hearing this. Daniel could always read though. He's very good at that.

Also, I have it from good sources, (ie the nurses), that you also have puppy-dog eyes and that any woman who got you would be lucky.

So, what do you think Sir? Am I lucky?

16.46 : Jack O'Neill

Don't tell me that you are one of Daniel's admirers as well. I'm getting jealous here Carter, you're gonna havta make it up to me! *wink wink, nudge nudge*

And don't toy with me. I'm serious. It could damage my reputation.

Your turn. Go talk about the Napoleon power-monger.

---

16.50 : Sam Carter

You want to talk about Teal'c as well, Sir? Be my guest. I don't see anything wrong with that.

16.50 : Jack O'Neill

Well, it's only fair, isn't it?

Lets do this together? You and me.

16.50 : Sam Carter

How do you propose to do that?

16.50 : Jack O'Neill

Meet me in my office. We compare notes.

16.51 : Sam Carter

Now?

You sure you just want to 'compare notes' Colonel?

16.51 : Jack O'Neill

No, Carter. Next year.

Of course now, for crying out loud.

And no, I don't *just* want to 'compare notes', I'm an evil, conniving man with ulterior motives.

16.51 : Sam Carter

Give me ten minutes.

16.51 : Jack O'Neill

See you in my office. Don't forget to bring any pie if you happen to go by the mess hall.

Oh, and make it 5 minutes, 'cos my latest dream was real.. yeah.

You can edit this out, right?

16.51 : Sam Carter

Got it.

I'll be there soon, Sir. Keep thinking about that dream, 'coz I want you to share it with me.

And yes, I can edit this out.

---

18.47 : Sam Carter

Sir, I'm not Daniel. You don't have to remind me about being punctual.

In fact, I can be quite punctual, when I have enough incentive.

18.47 : Jack O'Neill

Sorry, force of habit. See you topside then.

Actually, tell them to meet us a bit later, and I'll give you some incentive.

18.47 : Sam Carter

OK. See you there. One more thing, Sir. This is supposed to be journal, not a telephone. We can't really use it to make an appointment.

18.47 : Jack O'Neill

Don't care. Besides, this is the first time you've complained. What if I make an 'appointment' now for tomorrow night, just you, me and some of your favourite chocolate?

---

23.51 : Jack O'Neill

This 'writing in the journal' thing. I don't feel forced anymore. And as much as I hate to admit it, it's fun. I can say things here and get away with it.

Like this, 'hey sexy, what you doing tonight?'

23.51 : Sam Carter

I'm glad that you enjoy it.

And I'm coming over to your place, what do you think I'm doing?

23.52 : Jack O'Neill

Sweet.

Hey, what about when we have a mission? What happens to the journal?

23.52 : Sam Carter

Well, I was thinking about postponing the questions when we're off-world. It could endanger our mission, not to mention wasting valuable time.

23.52 : Jack O'Neill

OK then. I'm glad you are already thinking it through.

But, I like talking to you like this.

One more thing. I know that I'm your friend, but am I one of your best friends?

23.52 : Sam Carter

I like talking to you like this too, Jack.

And yes, Sir. Of course you are.

23.54 : Jack O'Neill

Then you don't mind me asking you out for dinner as a friend, do you? Just the two of us. This Thursday.

23.57 : Sam Carter

I'm not sure that it would be such a good idea, Sir. People talk.

23.58 : Jack O'Neill

So? Let them talk. It's not something new.

24.00 : Sam Carter

Alright then. Let them talk.

But on one condition. We have dinner as friends, and then head back to your place, for something a little more 'friendly'. Deal?

But I can't do Thursday. Cassie is coming to my house for a sleepover. What about Friday?

24.00 : Jack O'Neill

Friday is fine.

And it's a deal sexy.

Look at the time. It's midnight already. I'm off to bed. Are you finished in the lounge room yet?

24.00 : Sam Carter

I'm almost done, Jack, just give me a sec. Next time I speak to you, it'll be in person.

24.00: Jack O'Neill

I look forward to it.

***

By Dana

04.49 : Jack O'Neill

That OK. I'm not picky, really.

And don't worry about my safety, Carter. I have other methods to get my way with you. And they are more fun too. I'll show you tonight.

04.49 : Sam Carter

Already looking forward to it.

---

14.00 : Sam Carter

Well, it's either that, or your yo-yo.

You need something to occupy your mind as well as your hands, and I presume the GameBoy is much more entertaining than a yo-yo.

14.01 : Jack O'Neill

Well, if I can chose between you and my GameBoy, it would be you.

You can occupy my mind as well as my hands.

---

19.14 : Sam Carter

No. You should really try his massage. He's got talented fingers, I can tell you that.

19.14 : Jack O'Neill

Just wait 'til we get home. I'll show you how talented *my* fingers are.

19.14 : Sam Carter

Looking forward to that, sir.

---

23.42 : Jack O'Neill

You are so lucky that I actually like you.

23.42 : Sam Carter

Like me? That's not what you said last night.

***

By Dietcokechic

14.26 : Jack O'Neill

We could always use the old-fashioned way. Lock them inside a closet for 24 hours.

14.26 : Sam Carter

I don't think General Hammond would approve, Sir.

14.27: Jack O'Neill

What if we volunteered to go first?

---

20.09 : Jack O'Neill

Someday, Major, someday, I'll make you speechless. Just watch it.

20.09 : Sam Carter

Care to try this Saturday night? I'm free after 6.

---

15.19 : Jack O'Neill

Jeez, my side is still hurting from laughing. It's a good thing that your lab is soundproof.

15.19 : Sam Carter

You should know, it was your idea on the soundproofing in the first place. Face it Sir, you're a screamer.

***

By gategurl

11:34 Sam Carter

You make it sound as if I'm a cold-hearted woman.

11:34 Jack O'Neill

Nah. A sexy woman is more like it.

11:34 Sam Carter

What's wrong with sexy? Sexy is good.

11:35 Jack O'Neill

Yes it is. As long as I'm the victim then I enjoy your sexiness immensely.

11:35 Sam Carter

I'm glad that you like it. It's nice to know that you at least appreciate my work in that department.

***

By Hejira Hayes

11.08 : Sam Carter

Sir, what's all the fuss about? I came in here and to be honest, I haven't seen the SGC in such a good mood in ... well, a long time. People are smiling, for no good reason, and it's started to scare me a little bit.

11.09 : Jack O'Neill

Oh, nothing important really. Daniel opened up the shower and took a picture of me, stark naked.

11.09 : Sam Carter

That explains all the 'lucky girl' comments I've been getting.

---

11.10 : Jack O'Neill

Hey, don't forget about the lake and the cabin. It's not all about the fish!

11.10 : Sam Carter

Little blue pills?

11.10 : Jack O'Neill

You know damn well I don't need them.

---

17.43 : Jack O'Neill

Damn him.

And you better not go following his example, Carter. You know how Teal'c is when he was around those Jaffa. Honestly, you would've thought that they were some sort of long lost brothers or something. I'll need good company to pass the time with. I don't care how important the experiments in your lab are; I want you there, with me, in nothing but a skimpy bikini ready for a fight in a pit of blue Jell-o.

17.43 : Sam Carter

You sure know how to make a girl feel wanted.

---

17.46 : Sam Carter

Can I buy my way out of this?

17.46 : Jack O'Neill

Interesting. What are you offering?

17.46 : Sam Carter

Sex.

Meaningless, hot, steamy, chocolate body paint, by-the-fireplace sex.

17.46 : Jack O'Neill

Does it have to be meaningless?

17.46 : Sam Carter

If you don't want meaningless, I could discuss the finer points of wormhole theory.

Not the Stargate, sir.

---

18.30 : Sam Carter

Did you manage to find Daniel, Sir?

18.30 : Jack O'Neill

No, why?

18.31 : Sam Carter

There's this sticky red stuff under my shoe.

18.31 : Jack O'Neill

Why would you think you stepped on Daniel?

18.31 : Sam Carter

You're right, it's silly.

I mean, just because SG-6 were complaining that they were shrinking, it's no reason to believe that Daniel'd be dumb enough to be squashed.

18.31 : Sam Carter

Oh no! Get over here, QUICK!

I can see a tiny set of glasses!

***

By Isa

05.39 : Sam Carter

Alright. I'm not going to ask why you're in such a good mood then.

05.39 : Jack O'Neill

You do that. See you in the briefing, Major.

05.39 : Sam Carter

OK, now I need to know. Why?

05.39 : Jack O'Neill

You asked for it!

I dreamt about you.

05.40 : Sam Carter

WHAT?

05.40 : Jack O'Neill

Remember 'the locker room incident'? That was pretty much the idea of the dream.

05.40 : Sam Carter

I knew I would regret it!

***

By Me222

21.35 : Sam Carter

All right, I'm off to your bed now. See you tonight.

21.35 : Sam Carter

You are such a man. That's why I do it.

21.35 : Jack O'Neill

And I thought it was because of my charm.

***

By Megan Klaus

17.45 : Sam Carter

Sir, I swear by my bike, it wasn't me who put the pink dyer into your shampoo.

***

By RandomPro-cras-TOE-nator

His Minion and Her Colleague

16.56 : Sam Carter

No, you ordered me not to leave my bed. Which I haven't.

16.56 : Jack O'Neill

Good.

[Did you chain yourself to your bed like I ordered?]

16.56 : Sam Carter

Yes, Sir.

[Did you know that it's hard to write when you're chained to a bed?]

---

His Intergalactic Stalker and Her Assistant

21.55 : Sam Carter

I think Freya stalks you somehow, Sir.

21:55 : Jack O'Neill

Yes, she hid a camera right outside my bedroom window, too.

***

By shiplover

09.04 : Jack O'Neill

Anything for you, Carter. Anything for you.

09.04 : Sam Carter

Anything?

***

By vEnUs-tHe-GoDdEsS

21.56 : Sam Carter

Sir, if you don't want to be alone with her, than I don't want that, either. If she wants to talk to me about something, I want you to be there for me. Who knows what kind of question she will ask if you aren't there. The last thing I want is for her to ask what the best way to warm your bed is.

21.56 : Jack O'Neill

CARTER! Only you know that!

***

By Vicky (aka *ses*)

14.25 : Jack O'Neill

You wanna marry me?

14.25 : Sam Carter

Yasureyoubetcha!

---

23.44 : Jack O'Neill

I'm really starting to like the 'new' you.

23.44 : Sam Carter

I wonder how long it'll take before you regret saying that.

***

Don't you just love these guys *bg*. Once again, thanks for everyone who try their hand on the bloopers.