Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII © SquareSoft. …or SquareEnix. Whatever. ::mutters::
Rating: R; Alternate Universe; Yaoi, language, situations, idiocy (on Zack's behalf), whatever…
Pairings: Sephiroth x Zack (in this chapter, anyway), Sephiroth/Cloud, Cloud/Zack
Notes: Please take no offense to Zack's use of the words 'gay' or 'queer', or his adamant claims to hetero-ness, it's… basically the lifeblood of his side. He's not homophobic, it's just… yes. Anyway. Danke!



I'm a straight guy. A very straight guy. I like girls. A lot. I guess you could call me a womanizer.

Either that or a bastard.

The last girl I was seeing… - what was her name again? Ellen? Erin? It started with an 'E', I know that much. It doesn't really matter, I was only going out with her for a couple weeks. - Anyway, the 'E' girl preferred to call me a pig.

She didn't mean it at first, until she caught me with her sister and her sister's best friend. She called me a 'fucking cheating pig bastard', and then she slapped me, telling me she never wanted to see me again.

Wait, no, that's wrong.

She called me a 'fucking cheating pig bastard', told me she never wanted to see me again, and then she slapped me.

I think she was lying about never wanting to see me again. She still has eyes.

Oh, yeah, I remember her name now. Elena.

See, that's my problem. I'm one of those 'love 'em and leave 'em' kinda guys. The longest relationship I was ever in was… two months? Three months? Her name was Aeris. Really pretty girl, nice eyes, twinkling voice, great body… and easier than counting to 'one'. She told me she loved me, too. I dumped her an hour later, after we had sex to 'celebrate' her revelation. I'm not the commitment kinda guy.

Besides, her mom was hot.

I can't seem to focus on one girl at a time, either. I cheat constantly. I don't think there's very many women in Midgar that I haven't slept with.

A girl asked me once what I was more afraid of the most, dying alone, having never truly loved, or living longer than a person I loved more than life itself…

My answer was that I was most afraid of spiders. I hate those things. Especially the big, poisonous ones. I think she slapped me, got dressed, and left my by myself. Left me by myself, without killing that damn scary spider crawling on my bedroom wall. That rotten bitch.

I told her I was scared of spiders.

So inconsiderate. That girl really needed to pay attention to other people's feelings.

Honestly, I really don't have anybody to share my girl problems with. Well, I do, but they can't help me at all. They try, but there's something about girls that they don't understand.

Because my two best friends are gay.

I don't mind that at all, but, like I said, sometimes it's hard for me to have both of my only true friends being homosexual. Guys are a lot different than girls. The two of them can't help me figure out women, they've never been with any. From what they've told me, guys are easier to please. But they did say that some of the things I do are relationship no-no's, whether it be with guys or girls.

Like cheating. What the hell, can't a guy have a little fun? …Alright, in my case, a lot of fun?

Apparently, not calling back is wrong, too. But how can I call someone back if I'm already spending the day with someone? What the hell.

Wait. That qualifies as cheating, doesn't it?

Oh, well. Enough about my problems. I'm not the only one with stuff to figure out.

My longtime friend, Sephiroth, can be a really scary guy. He's 23-years old - a couple years my senior - and deceptively tall. The way he has his hair adds like, five inches to his total height. He is, in reality, 6'1". I'm 5'10". But I look like a dwarf compared to Seph. The guy's hair… it defies gravity. It's all… pokey. And really, really long. Completely-covering-ass long. And it's silver. Not gray, not white, platinum, leaden, hoary, any other synonyms you can use. It's silver. And all… shimmery. Personally, I think he puts glitter in it in the morning.

His eyes are a little creepy, too. They're a bright-ass aqua. Seriously bright. Sometimes they glow in the dark. But on him… they work. Now, as I have made plenty clear, I am a straight guy. But I must say this. My friend Sephiroth is absolutely, incredibly, flat-out, scarily gorgeous.

Sometimes I wish he was a girl. Well… okay. I'm gonna be honest. Whenever I look at him, I wish he was a girl.

He likes to wear leather. A lot. And he's got a really nice ass for a dude. It may be the pants he wears, though. They fit him perfectly. They're not too tight in the front but tight in the back, somehow. And they fit over his thighs real well, with these sweet silver buckles right on the seam. They're kind of loose around the knees, don't cling to his calves - leather pants like that look really dumb - and they bunch up at the bottom, near his boots. He wears these really cool boots, too. They're black leather with buckles running up the sides, and have an exposed steel toe that he somehow manages to keep completely polished and un-scuffed.

One thing I'm grateful for… is that Seph's hair is really long. It's not right to stare at your friend's ass. Especially when you're a guy who digs girls. A lot of girls. Shit, I didn't even describe his upper body yet, did I? Ah, man… I'm sounding queerer by the second…

Well, the guy's built, but not disgustingly so. Both of us go to the same gym, started going at the same time, right? But while I'm over here, muscle-y but still kinda thin. Not too thin, but my arms aren't that big. The muscles don't really show a whole lot until I flex. That pisses me off. But Seph, though… the dude's ripped in the arms. I don't know how. The guy can wear a fuckin' garbage bag and you know he's strong as hell. His chest is real broad, too. And he doesn't have scary muscle man-boobs. And he has a six-pack. The guy's completely toned, and it pisses me off. He wears these tight black t-shirts just to make me mad, I know it. Buys 'em two sizes too small.

Actually, pissing me off isn't the only reason he wears 'em. Which brings me to my other friend.


Seph is hopelessly in love with the kid.

Now, see, Strife's… different. He's really, really shy. And very short. When I say I look like a dwarf compared with Seph… you should see Cloud. I know he spikes his blonde hair up the way he does for those times him, Seph and I go places together. Gives him an extra 4 inches to his total height, but, since the hair's spiky… it doesn't really help. Cloud's young, too. He's only 16. But he's really smart for his age. Spike's got an IQ in the high 170's or something. But he's a really good kid. I've been friends with him for… two years now? Something along those lines.

One thing that I really appreciate about Spike other than his friendship is his body. He makes me look a lot less wimpy around Seph. But… Cloud's really, really pretty. He's got huge, bright-as-hell blue eyes, and the - gods, shoot me now - the most pinch-able little cheeks. I cannot believe I said that. Whatever. The boy's so effeminate in every way, you'd think Seph was straight, lusting after the him like that. A real mama's boy, too.

…so, since silver-boy and golden-boy are both really gorgeous and really pretty, respectively, that automatically makes me - ta da! - the ugly one in the group. Not to say I'm ugly. Just not Seph-and-Cloud caliber. Which is actually kinda good for me, because, hey, they look kinda like girls. I'm handsome. I got a nice tan, nice hazel eyes, and wicked hair. It's black, with spiky dreadlocks. Ladies love it.

Spike and I shop together a lot, since we've got the same general taste in clothing. Casual stuff, unlike Seph. Cloud and I wear the same type of pants, those SOLDIER surplus ones. I gotta have mine in olive green or navy blue, and would just as soon go pants-less if I didn't have 'em. Need them a couple sizes too big, too, so I can wear a cool, too-long belt to keep 'em up just underneath my hipbone. My boxers usually show, but that's alright. When I'm with Spike and Seph, no one looks at me anyway.

Cloud likes to bitch at me about my shirts. I like to wear tank tops when Cloud wears loose t-shirts. I like tanks cuz show off my sweet tattoo. Alright, Seph says it's a stupid tattoo. It's Wutaian for the letters Z, A, and X. He only says it's stupid because my name isn't Zax, it's Zack. But I like Zax, and I don't care if Seph doesn't like my tattoo.

Cloud doesn't have any problems with my tattoo.

Now that I think of it, Seph thinks a lot of things I do are stupid, and Spike likes most of the stuff I do. I think that's why Cloud and I can stand to be around each other for long periods of time.

Which, admittedly, I usually spend wishing Cloud was a girl.

Then both my sexy guy friends would be sexy girl friends.

And then we can make a Zack-wich.

Sometimes I wish I was gay, even if it was just for a little while. I mean… look at my friends. They're hot.

And I'm straight.

The Fates conspire against me once more.

That's not to say neither one of them tried to get with me. The time Seph tried was… really bad, to say the least. It was a while before Cloud came into the picture, though, cuz when Cloud stepped in, Seph fell, and he fell hard. Pining for the kid for two years now. Two years. To this day, I don't know how Spike doesn't know. I mean, it's pretty fuckin' obvious. Maybe Cloud's just retarded, I don't know. What was I going on about again? Oh, the first time Seph came on to me.

I was dating a girl from Nibelheim, this little hick-town in the mountains, named Tifa. She gets the bright idea one day to play a game of Truth or Dare with myself and Seph. Now… Tifa was different. She liked to do that voyeur stuff. And that thought should've come into play in my mind before I agreed to the damn game. I knew she thought I was hot, and she told me she thought Seph was hot. And when she brought up the game… she had this look in her eye. One of those looks that would make any normal person run the fuck away from the crazy bitch with the EYES. But not Zack! Because I'm a genius with a perverted girlfriend and a gay best friend too gorgeous for words.

You see where I'm going with this, right?

We start the game, everything's fine. Seph took the safe route, choosing truth the whole time. No big revelations were made, just simple stuff, how many people have you fucked, have you ever beat off a dog, you know, things like that. Tifa went with a dare the second round… I made her beat off a dog. Now, if she ever gets asked that again, she can say she has. Ah… then we get to Zack, the amazing idiot boy. A few rounds into the game, and the three of us were effectively hammered. Shit, I forgot to mention we were drinking, didn't I? Um… well, we were drinking. And I chose dare.

Tifa was the dare…master… lady.

So… I mentioned she was a voyeur. She didn't dare us to do anything more than… get naked and make out… for ten minutes. But Seph got a little too into it.

See, my eyes were closed almost the whole time. I wasn't thinking of it as kissing Seph. I was thinking of it as kissing a female Seph. Or, at least, tried. But… okay, Seph is, I guess you could say, the more dominant one in his relationships? The seme, I think he said? So… right. Zack, do not be afraid! I won't, Zack. Good boy, Zack. Sorry. Brain fart.

Right. Well, it started all well and good. But, I knew, I knew I shouldn't have gone through with the dare when I noticed Sephiroth was a little more than… um… /ready/ and /willing/ when I was not.


We get naked, me just taking my clothes off really fast, when Seph had a little trouble, since, well… his pants were tighter than usual. Gods, you should've seen Tifa. She was literally drooling just watching us strip. So, I just sit there. And my eyes drifted south of Seph's border. The guy's massive. It's frightening. Then Tifa starts bitching at me because, since it was my dare, I was supposed to make the first move. I was supposed to kiss my best friend.

I'm not really the 'experimental' kind of guy.

Honestly, I tried to start it for like, five minutes. I'd move a little closer to Seph and stop. I never kissed a guy before, and I was a little more than freaked out. Finally, I'm close to him, so I just close my eyes and lean forward, and, since I wasn't looking, I didn't even get close to my target. I managed to get my forehead jabbed pretty hard by Seph's chin.

So I moved back again and grabbed his shoulders, closed my eyes again, and pulled him towards me. My lips landed on the tip of his nose. He was giggling at that, it was really weird. Like I said before, Seph's this really intimidating guy, and he's giggling because I kissed his nose.

I was out of options. If I had to do my dare, I had to start the kiss with my eyes open, looking at my best friend's face 'til it got closer and closer. I stopped about an inch away from him, said "Fuck it," grabbed the back of his head and pulled him forward. So, I had begun the process of making out with my friend.

She didn't tell me before, but since she did the dare, she pretty much called the shots as far as the kissing went. While I had planned on it being close-mouthed and dry, she went the complete opposite route. I wasn't half as drunk as Seph, though. I think having to strip down and make out with your best friend in front of your current girlfriend-slash-plaything is a pretty sobering experience.

Tifa let the kiss stay close-mouthed at first, being nice like that. Then she tells me to lick Seph's lips. That part wasn't really that bad, I guess, he's got girly lips. Then he opened his mouth, and Tifa of course took that opportunity to make me French him.

…that part was weird… see, guys' jaws and teeth are a lot different than girls', I found out. Guys are stronger all around, you know, more solid, so obviously… wrestling with Seph's tongue was pretty harsh. The guy's forceful.

Oi. Then she makes me kiss his neck. Alright, no problem. Then down his collarbone. Fine, nothing I haven't done with a chick before. Then nibble on his earlobe a bit. I do it, but it was hard, 'cause, well, Seph smelled like a boy. Then I had to lick down - "sloooowly," said Tifa in the perviest voice I ever heard her use - to bite his shoulder, and then move back up his - very long - neck.

At that point, Seph lost it. I guess there's only so much the big guy can take.

He grabbed me and threw me down, pinning me to the ground. It was… really… strange. Then the guy starts frenching me, and hard. I mean, really, really hard. My lips were bruised, too… I think he chipped one of my teeth. But I just kept my eyes shut and went with it, ya know, 'cause Tifa was really getting off on it and I wanted to get some later. The girl's stacked, and I'm a pig, what can I tell you.

Now, let me clear something up. Or sate your suspicions. Yes, Seph's a good kisser. A really good kisser. And I'm sad to say, he's… well, so far, that was the best make-out session I ever had.

And I've had a lot of 'em.

So, there I was, imagining Seph was a girl, when the guy grabs my cock and starts jacking me off. His hands are really girly and soft, you know, because like the rest of his body, he takes good care of them. That added to the fact that I was horny from my mind's eye's image of making out with Sephy-girl made me a pretty happy camper. I mean, come on. I'm a guy, you do the math. Sucking face -plus- girly hand working on wang -equals- one very enthusiastic Zack.

'Til Seph started to grind on my leg… with a package comparable in size to my femur. So, not only was I making out with a guy, and, regrettably enjoying it - the guy being my best friend no less - for the first time, with a girl watching… and now, adding insult to injury, the guy is humping me with genitalia that would put a horse to shame. So naturally, I panic, and pushed him off of me - somehow - and flee to the side of the room like frightened little girl.

Of course, Tifa was pissed off about that. I mean, really pissed off. She slapped me, then she left, saying she never wanted to see me again because I was a pussy. That really hurt… Tifa had one hell of an arm on her.

That's okay, though. She was bitchy anyway.

Now, remember, this is a story about the first time Seph came on to me. And it wasn't 'til after the whole scene that he did. He got up and shook his head, then went into the bathroom to… uh… relieve his tension - which is something I think I should be proud of, I guess… - and I just got dressed.

So a couple days after that ordeal, Seph calls me up on my PHS and asks me to come over. I of course say yes, cuz I was lonely since my parents weren't home and all the girls I called were busy. Fuck you, I live in my parent's basement, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Well, Seph comes over, and it's kinda awkward. He was acting all shy around me, something he hadn't done since I first met him in grade school. I just shrug it off and start setting up my ShinRa BattleStation, this wicked video game system that had recently come out. It's got really good graphics, and the games are sweet. So I challenge him in a fighting game Corel Gaming came out with called 'SOLDIERs: Mako Taint'. It's a cool game, deals with tactics and stuff, not just an all-out brawler. I should've known better than to play him in that, somehow silver-boy's a tactical genius.

When Seph and I usually fight in games like that, we make it a competition. Last time, loser had to wear a vinyl micro-miniskirt for an entire day in Wall Market… going commando. Man, that was tough. But I never got so many phone numbers in Seph's presence in my entire life. Apparently, a lot of girls in Wall Market really like that cross-dressing skanky-boy look, and not just the girls working at the Honey Bee. They especially go for it when said guy is a sexy, scruffy hard-ass like myself with more charisma than you can… um… shake… something… at…

Unfortunately, since I set the terms previous game, it was Seph's turn to do it. The devious grin should've given it away. Loser had to give the other a blowjob. I stared at him for a long, long time. And he said he was serious, and just staring at me. And abruptly started telling me that I was the most beautiful man he's ever seen, and how he wanted me since he met me, that he thinks of me when he's with other guys, and just absolutely gushing about me like a lovesick little girl. It was really creepy. I honestly had no clue he felt that way about me. He acts like he hates me sometimes.

Then out of the blue he starts pawing at me, and I felt really bad, smacking his hands away, just pushing his crush on me aside like that… I mean, yeah, he's a good-looking guy, and a damn good kisser, but I don't swing that way.

Even if a blowjob was pretty tempting. Since Seph's good with his tongue, then…

…uh… nevermind that.

He started to pout after I rejected him; it was just a ploy, though, I bet. But, I had to tell him no, and hope that he understood. We never did play the game, cuz Seph left a few minutes after he told me all that stuff, and things were really tense between us for… gods… months afterward, and really awkward until I became friends with Cloud. Who, I'm pretty sure, thought I was a jackass when we first met…



A/N: Minor revision on 7/05/04. Nothing major, just edited some wayward quotes and such.

God, I love Seph x Zack… X.X And that was really fun writing… this Zack's so… dumb. Hee hee.