Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII © SquareSoft. …or SquareEnix. Whatever. ::mutters::
Rating: R; Alternate Universe; Yaoi (…het and yuri… of a sort…?), language, situations, idiocy (on Zack's behalf), whatever…
Pairing: 'Stephanie' x Zack x 'Claudia'
Notes: …please don't shoot me. Trust me, I'm all for kicking my own ass right about now. ::hides::

——————————

----Z-A-C-K-S---S-I-D-E----

…goddamn, I had the best fuckin' dream a few days ago. You know the ones.

Threesome, baby.

That's right. Two very hot girls, one very hot Zack, and a whole lotta fuckin' goin' on.

Oh yes, it was one hell of a tasty Zack-wich.

And the thing that makes it even better was that as I told Seph and Spike about it, they got turned on, too. They did. Can you believe it? I managed to make two gay guys hard by them listening to me going on about having sex with two girls.

…yes, the dream was just that good.

Well… except after a bit of recovery, Seph started to laugh at me… like, really, really hard… and mockingly, the bastard. I don't think I ever heard him go on like that before, with his shoulders shaking, covering his face as he just went on… I think I heard a 'mwa' in there, too. It was creepy in a way, because on normal days he really doesn't seem like anyone but a cold, asshole type of guy who's utterly obsessive about a lot of things, and to see him laugh so hard… he looked insane.

…yeah, I know, from that description alone it sounds like 'insane' isn't exactly far from the truth, but…

Well, at any rate… after he finally managed to settle down, he and Cloud started exchanging these weird glances -- you know, those fucking annoying 'I-know-something-you-don't-know' deals… I hate that.

Spike was cute about it, though… he was blushing like crazy, and I know he was trying to hold back those hiccup-y giggles he gets when he's nervous or embarrassed. Oh, but he's not off the hook just because he's freakin' adorable. I'm mad at him as much as I am Seph.

Alright, it's not them personally, just… see, the thing that pisses me off was the fact that neither one of them would just tell me what was so fuckin' funny while they obviously enjoyed hearing about it, too. It wasn't an amusing dream, either, it was… sex.

Huh.

…alright, on second thought, maybe that is kind of funny. It sounds a little ridiculous that it'd get that sort of reaction from them since they aren't attracted to -- hell, they can barely tolerate -- girls and stuff, so… okay, I guess they can laugh at that. It's just the way they were doing it, and the looks they gave each other… what the fuck was that!?

……

Hmph. They better not be hiding shit from me… like a big revelation or whatever. But seriously, would they do that to me? I personally don't think they would… I mean, they'd tell me if I was being retarded and am missing something important in my subconscious that I should be seeing without question…

Yeah, they wouldn't just leave me in the dark. They'd definitely tell me, because that's what good friends do.

…right?

…dammit.

Great, now I'm getting paranoid. I think long-term exposure to Seph's mental problems is starting to rub off on me. Good thing I don't hang out with Vin every day, too, or else I'd be a schizo afflicted with severe dysphoria issues as well. I'd be a real catch then, wouldn't I? Imagine me, a nice, manly mix between Sephiroth and Vincent… I wonder who'd want to put me out of my misery first: Cloud, or me.

Er, derailed. Sorry.

Whatever, all I know is, I made a solemn resolution: I, Zackary 'I'd rather go by Zax than Zack but no one fucking calls me that when I ask them to' Knightblade, am gonna start a search for the girls in this dream.

See, I'm doing the smart thing that televangelists do and interpreting this dream as a sort of prophecy-type deal. This shall be my mission in life, my ultimate goal… my gods-appointed spiritual quest…!

…well, maybe not exactly. I'm definitely not looking for a higher power or the holy freakin' grail or anything… what I'm looking for is a couple of hot, loose women.

Because I'm a pig.

Either way you wanna take it, I gotta do this. See, the way I figure it is this: since I obviously can't stick with just one girl -- which pisses Sephiroth off, but fuck him, right? It's my love life. I don't go pressuring him about his chickenshit attitude towards his whole nonexistent Cloud situation, so he should leave me alone about what… no, wait, who I wanna do -- then maybe I'd be able to stick with two chicks, especially since they want to be together, too.

Wait; I mean, the two of 'em want to be together, but they want me in the middle.

Yes, because I know I'm just that good.

…not that I know what they really look like other than some nondescript traits that can be applied to like, every other girl on the fucking Planet, which would make it sorta… almost nearly impossible to seek them out. Easily, at any rate.

Seriously. Way to burst my bubble, subconscious. Send me prophetic images of myself in a tangle of limbs with two hot chicks and then fuck me out of any path to them whatsoever. Thanks, I really appreciate it.

Asshole.

Sadly, it was one of those, too; the kind of dreams where you're on the outside lookin' in and your vision's too hazy to really make everything out, so you gotta go more by sounds and shit than by sight, faces all out of focus and all that stupid crap that… sucks.

Not to say that going by sound is a totally bad thing; the one I was with (the tiny blonde one, I could tell that much) sounded great. It was so hot… she kept on moaning like crazy -- I love loud girls… makes me know that I'm doing something right. Remember ladies, a man needs encouragement -- and I mean like, professional porn star caliber.

…porn? Maybe I should look for her in porn… 'Claudia' is sort of a porn star name.

That's right. Her name was 'Claudia'. How do I know that?

Easy: the leggy one said so.

Repeatedly.

That one, though… eh, I didn't get a chance with her, really. She was more of the in-charge type… y'know, all bossy and dominant in the good way. Besides, I think she was a little more into the blonde than she was me, anyway. Trust me, she couldn't keep her hands off of that girl.

…which, to be honest, was fine with me. I love lesbians.

Not to say that I didn't do anything with her… Stephanie, I think it was? Or… I dunno, something like that… it was hard to tell, since most of the time Claudia was just hissing out 'S's or moaning (hey, I told you she moaned a lot) something that sounded like 'Steph'… staff… stiff…

Seph…!?

Uh…

…yeah, I'm not even gonna go there.

And I'm getting way off track again. Gods, the things they're doin' to my poor head…

Right, okay, well, I didn't fuck Stephanie but I do have one thing to say about that girl: she loves her mouth and really knows how to use that tongue of hers, and by the look of it, Claudia thought so, too.

The dream was still good, though. But as much as I like girl-on-girl, a good chunk of the dream I spent… well, jerking off while watching Claudia and Stephanie go at it. I actually thought that the two of them forgot I was even there for a while since Steph was so wrapped up in going down on Claudia for that long.

For a very long time. Trust me, it was. No, really, after a few minutes of that I was like 'gods, Claudia, just come already and let me have a turn', but I didn't say anything like that.

Seriously, I didn't.

…hey, I may be considered a selfish jerk in real life but I'm smarter than that in my dreams. Like I'd fuck up another chance to be with two girls… no, it wasn't real, I know, but do you think my cock -- …or my mind -- really cares?

So, after gods know how long, Claudia finally finishes with the sexiest little squeal ever -- which, come to think of it, actually sounded a little bit like that thing Cloud does when he gets surprised… like what happens if you grab him when his back's turned. It's fun… and he actually gets kinda cute and flustered when I do that, too… but I worry sometimes that if I do it too often his heart's gonna explode, so I don't.

Even though, like I said, it's fun. And as you can probably tell, I love my fun.

But Cloud's jumpy as a hamster anyway, so if I grab him like that his heart pounds so hard I can hear it and I don't really think it'd be too healthy for me to do that to him all the time.

Heh… it kinda makes me wonder exactly what would happen if Seph grabbed him like that, because Cloud could actually like Seph (or is intimidated by him… hell, he intimidates me too sometimes, and I've been his friend for years) and it would be kinda funny to see the reaction that one would get. And I mean reactions on both sides of the scale.

Well… it probably wouldn't be too hard to imagine what Seph would do. In my mind's eye, I can see Sephiroth's eyes rolling back into his skull and glazing over from the sheer pleasure of touching the object of his complete and total -- not to mention freakishly strong -- desire plain as day. As for Cloud…

…yeah, if Seph grabbed him like I do, I can see Spike dropping dead.

But it's not like I'm never gonna find out what would happen for real, because when it comes to Cloud, Seph is a hopeless wuss. Just… don't tell him I said that, or else he'd probably kill me and piss on my grave while singing that weird opera song he loves so much.

Yeah, opera. Trust me, Sephiroth has some really strange tastes when it comes to certain things. I think he gets it from his dad… Hojo is really creepy.

…and he won't let me go over their house anymore. What the fuck.

Yeah, 'their' house. Because, creepier still, Hojo won't let either Seph or Vincent move out of the place… even though Vincent's coming up on his 27th birthday this October. Which means: what their old man's doing isn't. Healthy.

See, when they ever dare mention leaving, Hojo throws a hissy fit and uses the fact that their mom's locked up in some facility surrounded by white-coats to guilt them into staying for 'observation' because supposedly, he thinks that one of them will be the next to go.

Yeah. Isn't that fucked up?

Anyway, I watch over and talk to Seph every day, and Vin I see probably twice a week, and so far I've seen no signs of this 'mental deterioration' Hojo's so intent on believing they have.

…except maybe for Sephiroth's whole Cloud thing and on a lesser scale, Vincent's missing spine. But both of those problems can be fixed -- or at least improved -- with very little effort… and here's how. It's easy.

Hey… I am good for some advice, yannow.

Vincent's problem is easy. He needs to find a new girl. That's it. Problem solved for him. Ditch the bitch, Vin. There's a ton of girls that'd want to get with him and shit, probably even a few guys, too. I know how chicks look at him when the two of us hang out, and hell, even some of the girls I've dated checked him out -- right in front of me, damn -- so it's not like he'd have to search real hard for someone who's interested in him.

Physically, anyway. The dude's real gloomy and broody all the time, so he's not the most approachable type… but seriously, it's all because of the way Lucrecia treats him -- even though he would never admit that she treats him like shit because he loves her for some fucked up reason. So yeah, if Vin can get rid of her and find himself someone, y'know, halfway decent, his attitude'll perk up, too.

This is, of course, is my own optimism talking, but whatever, I stand by it. I'm allowed to think happy thoughts, even if no one else in Midgar ever wants to. It's too dismal here… makes everyone pissy as hell all the time… gods. No wonder Vincent drowns in angst.

Not to mention that maybe, if Vin turns happy-go-lucky (which, yeah, I get that'd never be, but if his outlook is tweaked in just the right way, maybe he'll at least start to smile. One of these days… but who the fuck knows, maybe not) then Hojo will let at least him grow up. That'd probably help a lot, too. You know, so he's not treated like some sort of freak by his dad anymore.

…but Hojo makes everyone feel like a freak. No wonder their mom's nuts.

Now, Seph's problem, on the other hand, is a little harder to remedy, but mainly 'cause he's so fucking apprehensive when it comes to potential 'lovers' -- or whatever the hell he calls them. He hasn't had one in so long that I can't even remember anymore.

At any rate, Zack the sex doctor's diagnosis (yeah I called myself a 'sex doctor', shut up) is that Sephiroth really needs to get laid… a few times. And what do I prescribe for that?

…sex, duh.

For his case -- which would be… no sexual contact with another person at all in two whole years (goddamn, if I was Seph, I would be so dead by now. Or insane… which may explain some things about him, actually. Yeah, I know what I said earlier but he does have some tendencies) -- he'd probably need like, five or six rounds, depending; how much stamina he's got in him, positions he'd employ… and, obviously, how much of a pounding his fuckee can take, et cetera.

All of that should preferably happen within the same day, too, but I recommend he do it in a few different locations for variety. For example, an elevator. Or on a desk.

Or after hours on the merry-go-round at Wonder Square's beachside amusement park in Costa del Sol.

…not that I've done that.

……recently.

And, if he had my ethics, I'd say with several different people, too, but Sephiroth isn't me, so that's out of the question.

Another problem (well, not a problem per se, but it is one right this second) is that he's utterly devoted to CLOUD, that freak. So unless Seph magically gets the balls to say something (and the kid's willing to have a pole digging into his back as he's being fucked on a plastic horse while they're all moving up and down, if Seph decides to do the merry-go-round thing) then there is no hope for him.

Of course, if I were a better friend I'd probably have a quickie or two with Seph to, you know, help 'im out, but I'm straight and don't entertain those kinds of thoughts. I love women… even though, as I've said before, yeah, Sephiroth is… scarily hot. For a dude.

…and, in some ways, feels like a girl. His hair especially.

But… even if it was for the sake of his health, Spike may hate me if I did that. By 'did that', of course, I mean, 'did Seph' -- wait… or would Seph be the one doing me? He is kinda dominant and like, stupidly overbearing and possessive, too, I don't think he'd let it be any other way… hm…

…uh…

…yeah, I think it'd be best if I just stopped this train of thought right now. Never gonna happen. Seph can fantasize about getting with me all he wants -- and I know he does, I mean, come on -- but he won't. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I have a problem with the fact that Seph still secretly wants me, it's just… different, 'cause he's my friend and knows I'm not gay and all. Too bad he isn't more like Cloud…

Speaking of fantasizing… I went way off the subject this time, didn't I? I mean, I know I have a tendency to just go on like that but gods, this time was really bad.

…whatever, this issue is more important than sex with hot girls. For the moment, anyway.

Aah, yes, now you get to see Zack being all 'ruminative', to quote Sephiroth. Bet you're cheering your asses off at that one.

Now… about Cloud/Sephiroth and what I said before, and why I say it.

If, hypothetically, Seph and I fucked and Spike found out about it, I do think that Cloud seriously would wish death upon me. Just a feeling I get… because, unlike Sephiroth and his very loud Cloud-obsession when not around the kid himself, I don't know if Cloud likes Seph likes Seph, but I have the feeling that he does.

Or… that he likes one of us, 'cause he kinda gives off that 'tee hee I've got a crush' vibe, but why the hell would Cloud like me? I know I look good and all, but… yeah.

But see, if Cloud actually did have a thing for Seph (or me), he'd never really let on or speak up about it. Other guys, yeah; he's told me before when had crushes on my friends (and when did 'things' with them, too). If he ever liked Seph though… I dunno. I have some ideas…

Like I said, I can't tell if he likes Seph or not, because Cloud's pretty withdrawn sometimes, and… who knows, maybe he doesn't let on because Seph's such a good friend of both of us, unlike everyone else Spike's ever dated… acquaintances and shit, yeah, but he was never friends with them, really, 'til afterwards, and even then he never had a real 'bond' or whatever with any of 'em, as far as I know.

Or he won't speak up because Seph's 'old' -- which he's not, but 23 to a 16-year old is pretty steep, I guess. Age isn't a big deal to me… I've dated girls both younger and older than me, but Cloud may not be that way. Or Cloud may not think that Sephiroth would ever let his noble self see someone who isn't close to his own age, since Cloud's never seen him date anyone, ever, and therefore has no clue what range Seph tends to lean towards. Though… no, I'll tell you right now, Seph never dated (or was ever even attracted to) anyone that much younger than him. If I remember right, the youngest guy he ever went out with was two or three years younger, so…

Eh… maybe that isn't it at all. Cloud could know something about, y'know, that whole 'when friends turn into lovers' thing that I don't and doesn't want to tell me anything for fear that something would get back to Seph, and then awkwardness or whatever would ruin the relationship that we three have… who knows.

Not that I blame him. I'd hate to see that happen too. I love these guys… they're like brothers to me.

That means I'm the screwed-up middle child. Yay. Now I have an excuse.

…of course, Spike probably knows that I may -- for Seph's sake, honest, I'd be in it for absolutely no glory or reward of my own -- be the one to stick my nose in his business had he confirmed that he liked Seph, pull a few strings…

…heh. I could be a puppet master. Mwa ha HA… yesss. And Seph can stop pining and finally get with his 'one true love' and stop being a fucking freak about it already.

I guess, too, that there's always the possibility that Cloud actually isn't into Sephiroth, which, uh… yeah, would be a pretty good explanation why he never said anything. Just because I (and every other person on the Planet) think that Sephiroth is hot doesn't mean Cloud has to, too. But it's not like I get how the kid thinks, so how the hell should I know? I mean, he fucked Reno for the gods' sake. Anything could be goin' on in his mixed-up little head of his.

Either way… some solid resolution with the whole Cloud thing would be nice for Seph, so he can either just move on or… not move on. Because to be completely honest with you, I know this isn't… well, healthy for him. Yeah, I admit, I love to tease him about Spike, I talk shit… this obsession, though… bad. Something's gotta be done with it.

…but I don't want to think about this anymore. Mainly because it makes me sound dumb for not butting in anyway, regardless of my own personal preference of, yannow, minding my own damn business.

……minding my own business when I know something is one-sided, I mean. If I knew this was a mutual thing, then hell, that's my ticket to go.

Yeah, I could ask Cloud if he -- now or ever -- was interested in Seph, but like I said… I don't think he'd tell me the truth anyway. There is a method I could use to pull the truth from him, yeah, but that would break the whole 'minding my own business' code.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Yeah… whatever happens with Cloud and Sephiroth happens. Just gotta wait and see if things'll ever run their course, I guess. Trust me, I won't let this go on for another year, though. Seph's likely to break from that… but especially if Cloud ever finds a new boyfriend. Seriously, that thing with Reno…

As far as my own future relationships go… all I know is, I really gotta get me some real-life Claudia and Stephanie action. Because fuck, that was a hot. The things they did just to please me… goddamn. If I never have another girl/girl dream again, that'd be perfectly alright with me. This one'll do nicely for the rest of my life.

And it'll be even better once I get a taste of the real thing, because I know these girls gotta be out there.

…somewhere.

…thus, my search shall commence. And once I find them, life for Zack shall be good.

Really, really good.

-E-N-D---Z-A-C-K-S---S-I-D-E---E-N-D-

——————————

A/N: …………someone please tell me I didn't just take 10 months to get this crap written.

::dodges rocks and other angry beat-the-neglectful-author implements of torture:: Sorry… ;.; You all must want to kill me. Agh… it's just that this POV thing is really hard to come up with when there's no direction for the story to really… y'know, go in O.o;

…well, I have a direction NOW, so hopefully I'll be able to write a little QUICKER, gah. If I can ever finish my other stories, that would be even better for this one.

Zack (pouting): I'm not that dumb…
::Seph and Cloud exchange wary glances::