[AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yeah, this took about 18,000 years didn't it? Sorry about that. Um, btw, I called the school Petrone High, after Padre Petrone, the guy who founded Bahia Bay....But I've also heard him called "Padre Pedro"... So.....idk.]

[SUNDAY, 12:42 PM, LOR and TINO are in the park. LOR is tossing a football around to herself, TINO ties his shoes.]

TINO: I still don't know how you talked me into playing a game football with you guys.

LOR: Relax, Tino. The teams are fair. Carver's slightly above average in athletic skills, Tish is slightly below. Meanwhile I rule all and you well... you're better with numbers and stuff.

TINO: Math? You're giving me math?

LOR: Don't sweat it, Tino.

TINO: I don't even like math!

LOR: So, anyways, even though the teams should work out fairly, I still wanted to get in a bit of practicing before the game, because...well, you *are* Tino.

TINO: Right. So, what do you want to practice first?

LOR: Let's try to work on your kicking first. I'll hold the ball down here, and you come running up and kick it, okay?

TINO: Alright.

[LOR kneels down and holds the ball like a center, TINO goes back a ways, then comes running towards the ball. As HE begins his kick LOR swipes the ball away and TINO falls flat on his back.]

TINO (groaning): Good grief.

LOR (laughing): Sorry, I always wanted to do that.

[SUNDAY, 1:28 PM, TISH and CARVER are in a huddle, with TINO and LOR cheering and mocking from a distance.]

TISH: Okay, we've got 2 minutes left on the timer and we're down by one point. We make the touchdown, we win the game.

CARVER: I still can't even believe we're losing. We're facing TINO for god sakes.

TISH: I know, but Lor is really really good.

CARVER: I don't care how good Lor is, she shouldn't make up for Tino. I mean he's just bad.

TISH: All the more reason we have to win this game then, and it just so happens that I have a cunning strategy.

CARVER: How come you never let me come up with any cunning strategies?

TISH: Tell you what, you give me an example of when you've been cunning. Ever. And I'll let you think of strategies.

CARVER: All I know is that your strategies are clearly not doing us a shitload of good.

TISH: Do you even have a strategy?

CARVER: ...No.

TISH: Alright, then. Okay, here's what we do. I start off with the ball and you go long, except not long, just sort of medium.

CARVER: So why didn't you *say* go medium.

TISH: Go medium doesn't make any sense.

CARVER: Makes more sense than saying something you blatantly don't mean.

TISH: Anyways you go *medium*. I'll make it look like I'm going to pass to you so Lor will hang back and cover you, if you can sort of get in her way I'll make a break for the end zone.

CARVER: That's your strategy?

TISH: Yes.

CARVER: I don't know that I would call that "cunning." It's more or less extremely straight-forward.

TISH: Hey, what do you want from me? Football's not my sport.

CARVER: ...What is your sport?

TISH: Well...I'm not bad at mahjong.

CARVER: Oh, ha ha. I get it. Let's make up words so that Carver can look like an idiot when he doesn't know what they are. Real clever.

TISH: ........Let's just play.

CARVER: Well, wait, wait. We've taken care of Lor, what about Tino?

TISH (laughing): Who cares? It's Tino. [Loudly, for LOR and TINO's benefit.] READY? BREAK!

TINO: About time! We had enough time to drink tea or something over here!

LOR [to Tino]: Tea or something?

TINO: Yeah, I know. But what am I supposed to say?

LOR: Trash talk is not a tricky concept. Just claim to have partaken in inappropriate activities with a family member! Or better yet claim *she*'s partaken in inappropriate activities with a family member!

TINO: I can't do that! It's Tish!

LOR (somewhat bitterly): So?


LOR: Just throw the ball, four eyes.

TISH: Wow! Since when can you count to four?

CARVER: Woohoo! Cat fight!

TISH: What? Lor and I are just jokingly fighting, it's not a cat fight.

CARVER: Yeah, I know. But I was hoping that by shouting "Cat fight!" it would push it over the edge to be an actual cat fight. ...Clearly this was a mistake.

TISH: Alright, look, we're going to start this play now! Ready? HIKE!

[CARVER goes *medium* and to the left where LOR immediately tails him, during this TINO picks up a stick and tosses it to his right. TISH then heads right and towards the endzone, SHE's almost there when she trips over the stick. The ball goes flying right near TINO who picks it up, tosses it to LOR who runs in the direction of the opposite end zone, CARVER struggling (and failing) to catch her. TOUCH DOWN TINO AND LOR!]

TISH: Ow! Tino! You threw that stick there on purpose!

TINO: Well, yeah, you were so obviously heading in that direction.

CARVER: Ha! So much for your cunning strategy, Tish.

TISH: It was genius, whether you admit it or not.

TINO: So, Lor, what prompted this football game idea of yours?

LOR: Well, my oldest brother Ryan-

TINO: I thought Kirk was your oldest brother?

LOR: No... I think he's, like, third. Anyways, Ryan just signed with the San Diego Chargers!

CARVER: Whoa, you have a brother in the NFL? That's so cool! It's going to be like cheer-leader central for him!

LOR: Anyways, because of that, I've decided to join the football team, so I thought it might be good to get in a friendly scrimmage.

[TINO, TISH and CARVER all look at each other.]

TISH: Um...Lor...You know that there's no girls football team. It's kind of exclusively a male sport.

LOR: Of course I know that. But hey, Women's Lib, right? Besides, playing football seems a little but more practical to me then burning bras.

CARVER: Look, I'm all for Women's Lib. I think we should Lib the heck out of'em. Yet, there's just some things that aren't feasible for a girl to do. Just like there's things which a guy couldn't do it. Guys get things like football, girls get to wear dresses.

LOR: I've walked in on you in a dress like twice though, Carv.


TINO: Look, Lor, don't get us wrong, we know you're good and all... But the guys out there are going to be bigger than you, a LOT bigger than you.

LOR: I'm not afraid of any guys. Do you want to go right now?

TINO: No, quite frankly you scare me.

CARVER: Yeah, but you can't go by Tino, a strong wind could blow him over.

TISH: Besides, what makes you think the coach will even let you try out?

LOR: What's with all this pessimistic stuff? I know I can do this. You'll all see. I can't wait to see your crushed faces when they announce that Lor MacQuarrie is the newest member of the Petrone High Panthers!

TISH: Lor? What are you talking about? We're your friends, of course we *want* you to make the team.

LOR: Oh...well.....good then.

TISH: Well, all this has been fun and all, but I've majorly got to do my Biology homework.

TINO: I thought you were taking Chemisty, not Biology this year?

TISH (laughing): Right, why would I stop doing the homework just because I'm not taking the class anymore? Seeya everybody.

[TISH leaves.]

CARVER: So, who's up for another game? Tino and I versus Lor?

TINO: I don't know if I have enough time for that, I sort of put off my homework too.

CARVER: You got plenty of time. It's only 1:57... WHOA! 1:57! There's porn on Cinemax in three minutes! Later days!

[CARVER sprints away.]

TINO: Oooookay. Well, there goes that. I guess I'd better go too, Seeya Lor.

LOR: Hey, Tino, wait-

TINO: Yeah?

LOR: Well, I mean, that move you did with Tish, stopping her from scoring without actually doing anything physical...Did that just like....come natural?

TINO: Well...Um...I guess so.

LOR: Well, the thing is. I mean, I know I run faster and throw and kick better than everyone else...But as far as strategy goes, I got nothing. Do you think you could maybe coach me on it?

TINO: Oh...um...Sure, I guess. I'd think Tish would be better at that kinda thing, though? I mean, she's the A+ student.

LOR: Yeah, but remember that IQ test we took last year? Technically you're smarter. Besides, I think I'd rather work with you, anyways. [SHE grins nervously.] We made a good team today, didn't we?

[SHE gingerly touches him on the arm. TINO turns to her, THEIR eyes lock.]

TINO: Yeah...We did.

[THEY're silent for a moment. Suddenly TINO clears his throat.]

TINO: Right, so, sure, yeah, um.... I gotta go. I need to finish my homework before my date with Tish tonight.

LOR: Oh...you're going out with Tish tonight? That's cool. Seeya.

TINO: Yeah, seeya.

[HE leaves. LOR picks up the football, and suddenly punts it with all her might. The ball goes flying and SHE leaves, not bothering to find it and pick it up.]

[MONDAY, 3:30 PM, Patrone High Football Field, COACH PILKINS is talking to a group of boys.]

PILKINS: Okay, listen up, as you all know, Toby Johansen, our star quarter- back has been forced to leave the team to go under heavy treatments for his slew of venereal diseases.

LAIRD: Woo! Go Toby, macking on every senior honey.

DIEGO: Laird. it's not funny, Toby's really sick. he may die.

LAIRD: Yeah, but I mean, if you're gonna die the way to do it is getting a disease from Stacey Nicholson, am I right?

PILKINS: Anyways, our second string quarterback is Laird Princeton, and since he's only on the team because his father owns my building, and he really just sucks-

LAIRD: Hey! One of my Father's stipulations was that you never mention the contract aloud!

PILKINS: I'm going to begin try-outs for a new quarterback..

PERCY: Hey Coach. what about me, the third-string quarterback. Shouldn't you just use me?

PILKINS: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

PERCY: But Coach.

PILKINS: Percy! You know perfectly well you're on the team to be the kid the team picks on in the lockerroom so it's not Laird.

LAIRD: Yeah, loser!

PILKINS: Anyways, I've been scouting the gym classes. and I came across our most promising candidate. He's a Freshman and thus we never considered him because Freshmen are of course banned from having any sort of enjoyable life at this school. This is Mikey Ramirez. He's actually tolerable. and our best shot. So, everyone say hello to our new starting qua-


[LOR MCQUARRIE arrives on the field. The team stares.]

LOR: I'd like to try-out.

PILKINS: Um. You're clearly an airhead since this is FOOTBALL try-outs. So I'm guessing you're here for cheerleading? Well, that's Miss Alvarez' thing, not mine. although you look a little flat to be a cheerleader so I hope you don't have your hopes up. (turning back to the team) Anyways, as I was saying-

LOR: Um. no. I'm trying out for football.

PILKINS {turning back): Oh my god. I'm sorry.. Are you just one of those feminine looking guys? Damn, I feel bad now. I guess that explains why you're flat.

LOR: EXCUSE ME, I AM A GIRL! And, would you quit with the flat comments? I know my tits aren't as big as YOURS, Coach, but that doesn't give you the right to make these comments. Anyways, I'm a girl and I want to play football. Now, assuming that you were going to get all sexist on me, I brought along these. {She hands him two letters.}

PILKINS: What are these?

LOR: Can't read? Not surprised. Anyways, these are letters of recommendation from both Coach Ned Collsen from Bahia Middle School, and Coach Hank McQuarrie from UCBB. Both football coaches, both saying how good I am.

PILKINS: Your name's.. Lora McQuarrie?

LOR: Call me Lor, but yeah.

PILKINS: So, this Hank McQuarrie? He's your father?

LOR: Yeah.

PILKINS: Ha, this is making sense. Your father's probably always wanted a son to follow in his football footsteps, which he must have played really well if he's a college football coach, but he had a daughter and now he's pretending she's got some skill so she can play. Pathetic. Well, I'm not gonna have any butch dyke on my team, thankyoverymuch.

LOR: Um. no. Actually, I have 16 brothers. and four of them, Josh, Mike, Danny and Kyle are ON this team, you moron. They're RIGHT there.

PILKINS: My god! You're their sister? Damn... Mike's the best center we've seen in ages, and I can't think of a full back as good as Josh McQuarrie...

LOR: Exactly... now... considering some of the comments you've made about me. I think there's a good chance they're pretty pissed.

PILKINS: They... haven't said anything.

LOR: They're not exactly the verbal types... But take a look.

[Sure enough, half the team is holding back four big red-haired youths who are fiercely trying to get at the coach.]

LOR: Now, let me try out, and I'll call them off.

PILKINS: Fine... Next week, you and Ramirez here will compete, the winner will be the quarterback... Happy?

LOR: Yep. Okay, boys, sit.

[JOSH, MIKE, DANNY and KYLE all become docile and sit back down.[

LOR: Good brothers. [She turns and leaves.]

[FRIDAY, 4:32 PM, TINO and LOR are throwing the pigskin back and forth, TISH and CARVER approach]

CARVER: There you guys are. Now look, if you two stop right now I'll forget the fact that after school you didn't immediately go to the Pizza place, as we have every day for the past 16 years.

TISH: The past 16 years? Carver, I'm the only one of us who is 16. The rest of you are 15.

CARVER: Yeah. but, we were going there in the woumb.. Ooh, Woumb Pizza. I gotta suggest that to the pizza guy.

TINO: Look, sorry guys. I was just helping Lor with her football. She's got those try-outs on Monday that she wants to be sure to be ready for.

CARVER: Yeah, you were helping Lor with football. That's like saying I was helping Tish with her homework, or that Lor was helping me pick out cool shoes. Or Tish was helping you..... Um..... Be all... afraid of stuff.

TINO (laughing slightly): Yeah, well, rest assured I wasn't helping her with the athletic side of things...Just kind of helping her with strategies, and stuff like that. We're about finished... Let me just throw a few more.

CARVER: Lor... I don't know why you're bothering with all this practicing. You just gotta compete with one guy, and he's a Freshman.

TISH: You know, I really don't care much for all this Freshman insulting that goes on at school. We all had to go through it last year, and it doesn't make us feel good? Why do it now?

CARVER: Sweet, sweet revenge. It's no biggie, they'll do it to the following Freshmen, and so on. Come on, I mean, being a jack-ass is what high school's all about.

TINO: I gotta say, I'm with Tish on this one.

CARVER: There's a surprise.

TINO: No, I'm serious. I th-

(TINO has thrown a bad pass, as he was not paying attention, which hit Lor square in the chest.)

LOR: OW! OW! BROKEN BOOB! BROKEN BOOB! (She starts hopping around, clutching her breast.)

TINO: Wow. Can you even get a broken boob?

CARVER: I don't know. but I'd love to be the doctor to take care of that.

TINO: Haha. You said it!

(They high five. TISH clears her throat in an annoyed tone.)

CARVER: What? Oh, you're not jealous that we're talking about Lor's boob, are you? (In a placating tone) Tish, don't be like that. You know yours are bigger.

(TISH rolls her eyes and walks away. CARVER looks at TINO.)

CARVER: What is it, her period or something?

TINO: You're really an idiot, you know that?

LOR: Look, I think I've gotten enough practice. I'm just gonna kick the ball a few times, you guys go ahead and get us a table at the Pizza place, Okay?

(TINO and CARVER nod and walk away. LOR begins to set the ball in place when she sees MIKEY RAMIREZ, her competition, practicing too. LOR senses a perfect opportunity for some confidence-lessening trash talk.)

LOR: Hey there, Freshie? Still practicing.

MIKEY: Yeah.. I'm so nervous. I mean, I've always been one of the better football players in my grade, but.

LOR: Well, yeah, to be a Freshman on a Varsity Football team is amazing. However, our school has a notoriously bad football team. So don't be too concerned.

MIKEY: You know your brother? Rob? He's in my grade, and he's always going on and on about how good his big sister is at sports.

LOR: Wow! Rob said that? He's a pretty good football player, himself.

MIKEY: I know. He's probably the best Freshman quarterback, not me. But, he wouldn't compete against you. Now, I'm a little intimidated too. You see, my older brother Tony was the captain of the football team too, when he was in school.

LOR: Wait? Your brother was Tony Ramirez? My brother Ryan went to school with him! The two of them took this school to the only championship they ever won in football!

MIKEY: I know. I'd give anything to be on this team. Well, I'd better keep practicing. Good luck on Monday.

LOR: Yeah. you too.

(SHE walks away, sighing)

LOR: Ohh. Right in the feel bads.

(SHE leaves the field, glumly.)

(FRIDAY, 4:52 PM. LOR walks into the pizza place, FEETZA, TINO, CARVER and TISH are already there, enjoying a foot-shaped pizza.

TINO: Oh, there you are. We saved you a quarter.

LOR: Thanks guys.

TISH: You look a little down? What's wrong?

CARVER: You're not nervous about Monday, are you? I don't know why you would be, you're like. the definition of a tom-boy. No way are you not gonna make it, even if that Coach guy IS a sexist, you're going to be so good he'll have no choice but to pick you.

LOR: Well.. It's just.... I don't know

CARVER: I'm a serious. You're just one step below those bodybuilder woman in toughness.. Give it another few years, and you'll be on par with them. Don't sweat it.

TINO (shuddering): Those bodybuilder women freak me out... I don't know how anybody finds real athletic women attractive.

(This comment hits LOR hard, and aids her to make a decision.)

LOR: I've decided not to try out.


LOR: Well... this other kid... Mikey Ramirez... I was talking to him just now...And I don't know.....I think he deserves to make it. He's gotta follow in his brother's footsteps with football, and I mean... I play every sport BESIDES football.

TISH: Wow, Lor, that's really sweet of you.

TINO: Yeah, that's really cool.

CARVER: You moron! He's just messing with you! God, if I was good enough to join the team I woulda owned that guy.

(MONDAY, 3:30 PM, Football field, the whole team is there, including COACH PILKINS and MIKEY and LOR)

PILKINS: Alright, let's get this started. McQuarrie versus Ramirez for the place on the team.

LOR: Wait. I've changed my mind. I'm not gonna try-out. Let Mikey on the team.

MIKEY: Wow. Really?

PILKINS: Good that you've known your place. Alright, I guess that means Mikey Ramirez is our new quarterback. Alright. that was fun. I'm going home, practice tomorrow guys.

(Everyone leaves, except LOR and MIKEY.)

MIKEY: Did you do that..... because of what I said?

LOR: Well... Yeah... sorta.


(HE runs away laughing. LOR talks with the grayed out background.)

LOR: I guess the moral of the story is. Don't do the right thing. because other people might not be.. Hmm.. Not a very good moral. Oh well. Later Days.