How to Write a Stereotypical Sirius Black x Remus Lupin Fanfiction in Ten Easy Steps or Less


Warning: Over-use of the word "stereotypical", intense sarcasm, acerbic wittiness, and corny titles. Oh, did I mention slash? The stereotypical thing? Whatever; you've been warned.
Rating: S for slash. PG for language and innuendo. I should know better, but did it anyway. Kind of like how JKR killed off Sirius in Order of the Phoenix. *snarl*
Category: Humor. Quasi-WAFF. That's about it. If you're looking for SB/RL angst or deep, touching romance, you're in the wrong aisle.
Pairing: ...
Originally Posted: (log.yuurei.net) : Nocturne, the blog of ling. July 29th, 2003. Ling should have been doing her homework. Oh well.
Archive: Anyone who wants it, ask (lingish@yuurei.net). Anyone who wants to plug, please do. ^_^ Perhaps at that spiffy SBRLML that I'm too young to join? *shrugs*
Dedication: To those who find stereotypical SB/RL fics as funny as I do.
Other: Please read the notes at the bottom if you're looking for legalities and all that jazz.


How to Write a Stereotypical Sirius Black x Remus Lupin (WAFF) Fanfiction in Ten Easy Steps or Less or Here: a half-assed attempt at humor
With examples, optional effects, and bonus material. Better than your stereotypical DVD!
By ling, who has obviously been reading too much stereotypical SB/RL fanfiction

Step One: Think of a savvy, stereotypical title for your fic. Like "How Remus met Sirius", or "Ten Things I Love About Werewolves", or "Sirius Black and the Full Moon Folly". You know.

Example: The name of this example-fic is "StereotypicalSiriusandRemusGetTogetherFic", also known as "Love Me and Review" or simply "Here".

Step Two: Choose a stereotypical setting. It can be at Hogwarts, after graduation, or even the post-Azkaban breakout. Alternate universe is a possibility. Just make it so that both of our boys are single and lonely.

Example: "It was a gloriously beautiful summertime afternoon. Young Remus Lupin, a werewolf by full moon night, student by fall through spring day, was contemplating his first year at Hogwarts."

Step Three: Introduce the long-awaited, stereotypical plot. The most preferable scenario is having one or both of them pining after each other. Be sure to make the pinee totally oblivious to the other's feelings. Gloss over any plotholes with the fact that YOU are the author, and therefore have supreme authority. Be redundant and fill up space with facts that most people already know, but not so much that people will be annoyed and stop reading. If there are going to be other characters, introduce them now, or at the end of your story, and make sure it's clear who you love, and that they'll be playing a major role in getting the two together.

Example: "But mostly, he was contemplating his feelings for his dormmate and fellow Gryffindor, Sirius Black. He had been smitten all year, and it had been extremely difficult to hide it from his best friends. Especially James Potter, that sharp, perfect, almost-brother of Sirius. (A/N: yes I luv James and he'll be playing a major role in getting the two together)"

Step Four: Describe the details in stereotypical detail. Be sure to compare facial features to that of a God, eyes to the color of a food or an element of nature, and et cetera. Adjectives and synonyms are always a plus, because saying "black hair" all the time is boring. Thesaurus should be kept handy for maximum poetic-soundingness. Don't be afraid to make up words if the ones available don't work.

Example: "Remus sighed dreamily, thinking about cornflower/sapphire/ocean blue/stormy grey/ink black/prettyful orange eyes and long wisps of thick, yet softer than silk/velvet/satin/sandpaper tresses of raven/sable/night-sky-dark hair. His beautiful/gorgeous/Adonis-like friend was simply divine/celestial/perfection despite his Slytherin-like tendencies to play pranks on (sometimes) undeserving victims, and he often wondered why such a heavenly/wonderful/marvelous person would bother to hang out with a werewolf like him."

Step Five: Stereotypical, gratuitous use of flashbacks. Use lots of flashy symbols, bold, italic, capitalized, and underlined text, and a bullhorn to denote the scene change. Most people miss the subtle millions of ~'s that some people use. (Was that sarcasm I saw fly by my window? Must have been an owl.)

Example: "He shook his head sadly when he though about all those opportunities he had had to confess his feelings

!!*~*&&$$%%## **F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K** ##%%$$&&*~*!!

Remus stared into Sirius's beautiful eyes, wishing with all of his heart, all of his soul, that he could confess to his friend that he had loved him since he had first laid eyes on him on the Hogwarts Express. He really hoped he wouldn't waste this opportunity like he had a million times before."

Step Six: Introduce the stereotypical problem that is keeping our lovebirds from each other. Remus is too shy. Afraid to ruin their friendship. Sirius doesn't think Remus would like him that way. Refuses to admit that he is SO obviously into Remus. Or you could have an outside force preventing them from confessing to each other. Whatever you want, as long as it causes much angsting and gnashing of teeth, Moony's or Padfoot's respectively. Make sure the antagonist is clearly defined, clearly asinine, and that everything from the plot to the missing cheese is his fault. Smells like filler.

Example: "Peter stormed in (A/N: Grr! I hate Wormtail!) just as Remus had gained enough courage to tell Sirius.

"Would you believe that I got detention for stealing that hunk of cheddar cheese off Professor Flitwick's desk? What a jerk! Like I was supposed to know it was for that Vanishing Charm that the fifth years were working on!" the short, ugly one of the group pouted. Remus deflated as Sirius went to tease Peter, silently cursing the smaller boy for ruining this chance.

!!*~*&&$$%%## **E*N*D**F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K** ##%%$$&&*~*!!"

Step Seven: Produce a resolution that no one saw coming, or one so obvious and stereotypical that people could recite it without ever reading it. A confession in the form or a fight. An all-knowing friend not-so-subtly points out that they love each other. Don't feel like you have to justify your reasoning for the way that your resolution or anything happened, or that the characters are horribly out of character. Remember: you are the author; you are all-mighty. Repeat this mantra seven times a day. And it's still okay to make up words!

Example: "As Remus frowned over this memory, Sirius appeared out of nowhere, giving Remus a heart attack. (A/N: not really, just made a reaction like having a heart attack. I don't know what a heart attack really feels like so like yeah. ...Just read, ok?) He looked beautiful and windswept, as if he had just gotten off a broomstick. (A/N: eww, don't think nasty thoughts, this is a PG fic!)

Sirius grabbed the werewolf's lax hand and kissed it. He looked his friend in the eye and said "Remus, I love you." Remus just gaped at him.

"James owled me," he said, grinning at the look of chagrin-mixed-with-betrayed-anger on his friend's face when he heard that. "Told me that you were in love with me, and that I love you, and I should stop moping and get my arse over here to stop you from moping."

"B-but," Remus stuttered, dumbfounded in an adorable way. "How did HE know?"

"You heard the author, he plays a major role in us getting together," Sirius explained, still looking perfect and studly, despite the fact that he's twelve.

"Oh," Remus replied, shrugging. He threw his arms around his friend and kissed him.

"I'm glad you're here," Remus said when he came up for air.

"I'm glad I'm here too," Sirius returned smugly. Remus knocked him over with his pillow.

THE END"

Step Eight: Put all that sterotypicality together. You're finished with the fic! Good job! Hit the spellcheck and run through it again. You're almost ready to publish!

Example (the full fic!): "It was a gloriously beautiful summertime afternoon. Young Remus Lupin, a werewolf by full moon night, student by fall through spring day, was contemplating his first year at Hogwarts.

But mostly, he was contemplating his feelings for his dormmate and fellow Gryffindor, Sirius Black. He had been smitten all year, and it had been extremely difficult to hide it from his best friends. Especially James Potter, that sharp, perfect, almost-brother of Sirius. (A/N: yes I luv James and he'll be playing a major role in getting the two together)

Remus sighed dreamily, thinking about cornflower blue eyes and long wisps of thick, yet softer than silk tresses of raven hair. His beautiful friend was simply divine despite his Slytherin-like tendencies to play pranks on (sometimes) undeserving victims, and he often wondered why such a heavenly person would bother to hang out with a werewolf like him.

He shook his head sadly when he though about all those opportunities he had had to confess his feelings

!!*~*&&$$%%## **F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K** ##%%$$&&*~*!!

Remus stared into Sirius's beautiful eyes, wishing with all of his heart, all of his soul, that he could confess to his friend that he had loved him since he had first laid eyes on him on the Hogwarts Express. He really hoped he wouldn't waste this opportunity like he had a million times before.

Peter stormed in (A/N: Grr! I hate Wormtail!) just as Remus had gained enough courage to tell Sirius.

"Would you believe that I got detention for stealing that hunk of cheddar cheese off Professor Flitwick's desk? What a jerk! Like I was supposed to know it was for that Vanishing Charm that the fifth years were working on!" the short, ugly one of the group pouted. Remus deflated as Sirius went to tease Peter, silently cursing the smaller boy for ruining this chance.

!!*~*&&$$%%## **E*N*D**F*L*A*S*H*B*A*C*K** ##%%$$&&*~*!!

As Remus frowned over this memory, Sirius appeared out of nowhere, giving Remus a heart attack. (A/N: not really, just made a reaction like having a heart attack. I don't know what a heart attack really feels like so like yeah. ...Just read, ok?) He looked beautiful and windswept, as if he had just gotten off a broomstick. (A/N: eww, don't think nasty thoughts, this is a PG fic!)

Sirius grabbed the werewolf's lax hand and kissed it. He looked his friend in the eye and said "Remus, I love you." Remus just gaped at him.

"James owled me," he said, grinning at the look of chagrin-mixed-with-betrayed-anger on his friend's face when he heard that. "Told me that you were in love with me, and that I love you, and I should stop moping and get my arse over here to stop you from moping."

"B-but," Remus stuttered, dumbfounded in an adorable way. "How did HE know?"

"You heard the author, he plays a major role in us getting together," Sirius explained, still looking perfect and studly, despite the fact that he's twelve.

"Oh," Remus replied, shrugging. He threw his arms around his friend and kissed him.

"I'm glad you're here," Remus said when he came up for air.

"I'm glad I'm here too," Sirius returned smugly. Remus knocked him over with his pillow.

THE END"

Step Nine: Five words – stereotypical, but obligatory, author notes.

Example: "AUTHOR'S NOTES:

How'd you like my fic? It took me, like, five seconds, and I was high on three thousand bowls of granulated sugar, so it might be kind of sappy, but I hope you liked it anyway. (No credit to the author of 'How to Write a Stereotypical Sirius Black x Remus Lupin (WAFF) Fanfiction in Ten Easy Steps or Less' *muttermutter*) Be sure to pay homage to me with that link at the bottom of the page that says 'Submit Review', ok? Look for my next fic, 'StereotypicalSiriusandRemusHoneymoonFic', also known as 'Kokomo', coming to a site near you! *insane niko* Bye bye! SIRIUS X REMUS 4EVA!!!!! R&R!!!!"

After proofreading, post your fic on a stereotypically popular site like fanfiction.net. Congrats! You've written a stereotypical SB/RL fanfiction in less than ten steps!

Optional: Original characters, Mary Sues, or other stereotypical characters that would like to ruin the romance between these two. You get extra points if they're related to one of the boys somehow. Even more points for having one of the boys tell the character that his love for his partner is undying and then performs some magic or says something admirably witty to get rid of the annoyance. You've written a stereotypical SB/RL fanfiction in ten steps! You can't sue me because the title is "Ten Steps or Less"!

Bonus: When you have seven million fans vying for you to dedicate the next chapter or epilogue or continuation of your stereotypical fanfiction, if you contact me and tell me that you used my guide, you win a free stereotypical fanfiction from ME! That's right, the author of the list that you so shamefully copied, defaced, and otherwise plagiarized your famous fiction from. I get no recognition whatsoever. Feh. See if I write you another guideline for success.

For More Stereotypical SBxRL Fanfiction: Visit fanfiction.net, click "Book", click "Harry Potter", change the settings to "Genre: Romance", "Rating: All", "Char: Sirius B.", and "Char2: Remus L.", and click the spiffy little button that says "Go". Enjoy.

DAS ENDE (scroll down if you want to read all the stuff that says the characters don't belong to me and etc.)



Notes: ling apologizes profusely if this work of FICTION offends, annoys, or otherwise embarrasses you. Don't bother suing me for damages though: I've got about two bucks and a stuffed doe. Hah. I kill me.

This is (not) an attempt to infringe upon the copyright of Harry Potter or anything contained within his world. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Hogwarts, and Harry Potter not only don't belong to me, they're not real! I've only borrowed them for this fic, and am putting them back, slightly used, right now. PleasedontnoticeormindJK. *punts everyone and everything back into place*

I adore Sirius x Remus. It is The One True Way. But after half-reading half-skimming a bunch of slightly off-color fics featuring those two as the main couple, I figured, hey, there must be some rules to writing a fic like this, because they're all the same, cliché plot and maybe others will want to know how to totally bore and otherwise disgust readers! I must write those rules down. And so I did.

Ahem. There IS some really good stuff out there, lots of really great stuff, so please don't jump down my throat as if I were talking directly to you. I'm just poking a little fun at people. Absolutely no one in particular.

I can't say I'm guilty of writing a fic like the one I half-assed above, nor am I guilty of ever writing a SB/RL fic at all, but I read a lot of them. I guess you're allowed to chew me out for that.

And I think I'm funny. You can cause me bodily harm for that. *wince*

I like the word "terminally". Can anyone think up a title for "How to Write a Stereotypical Sirius Black x Remus Lupin (Angst) Fanfiction in Ten Easy Steps or Less" with "terminally" in it? *randomness for death delay! yay!*

I am the author, I am all-mighty.

review me plzthx.