So Much for Nuremburg
Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: Nope, don't own Harry Potter. Lady Rowling does. Curses! Be forewarned, serious AU up ahead!
THOUGHT BEHIND THIS FIC:Does anyone like Umbridge? I mean, sure, she's essential to the plot, but from a fan's perspective, is there anything redeemable about her?
Thought not. In that case...
A Few Extremely Satisfying Deaths of "Proffessor" Umbridge
Number One: Got to Love Those Skrewts
"Now take out yer wands, everyone! We're going to see the last Skrewt t'day!"
The Care of Magical Creatures class unanimously groaned, as the largest and most lethal-looking Blast-Ended Skrewt wandered out of the paddock, led on by Hagrid, who had subdued the beast in a heavy steel chain and collar.
"Now, what're you all belly-achin' abou'?" Asked the half-giant cheerfully.
"That thing will kill us all!" Shrieked Draco Malfoy, suddenly far paler than he was a few moments ago. Even the Trio, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasly, watched the giant crustacean (if that was what it really was-Lee Jordan had established a betting pool last year that claimed the Skrewts were not of this Earth, and it was still running) lumber in front of Hagrid's hut with extreme apprehension. The Slytherins (not to mention most of the Gryffindors) backed away in unision, as Hagrid sighed deeply.
"Ah, c'mon! I've spent th' summer figurin' out how to tame the bloody thing! E's actually quite nice, if yeh treat 'im correctly and-"
"Hem hem." Harry sighed deeply, and angrily. Dolores Umbridge, complete with High Inquisitor garb, appeared with her notepad and quill, furiously jotting notes. Hagrid blinked, and visibly tried to keep himself calm.
"Are you aware, that such animals like this," Umbridge said, in her loud, condescending voice reserved strictly for half-humans, "are considered extraordinarily dangerous, not to mention illegal-that means bad, to show in a school enviroment, according to the Ministry of Magic's 1997 MOM Mandate?" Hagrid blinked.
"Well, er... E's not dangerous, as long as he's properly 'andled, see," Hagrid said, "and accordin' to th' 'Handling of Magical Beasts Regulatory Commission Rulebook' , section B, paragraph 10, 'it is perfectly legal to show beasts classified as "Dangerous" to school-aged children, provided all nessecary precautions are taken, to ensure no injuries'." Hagrid smiled at Hermione, who smiled back happily. She'd managed to find a few passages from that particular manuscript to help out the gamekeeper in case he ever needed it. Harry and Ron looked at her with grins of their own, while Umbridge looked somewhat taken aback. She quickly recovered with a sickeningly sweet smile.
"Oh? And what sort of precautions, are these?"
"Well, I had Proffessor Flitwick charm this chain and collar, see, to be unbreakable," Hagrid answered, tugging on said chain for effect. "And,
they've all got their wands out. Harry, you faced a Skrewt in the Maze last year, right?" Harry, trying to fight off his feelings of anger and guilt Hagrid's question conjured, took a deep breath.
"Yes, I did."
"All righ', and how'd yeh get past it?" Hagrid asked eagerly. Harry shrugged, and took another deep breath.
"Well, it's shell was a bit too tough for a Stunner - or anything else I threw at it," Harry said thoughtfully, "so I got down, and used the Impediment Curse on it's belly, because it didn't have any armor down there. But, I guess a Stunner would have worked too."
"Good. Now, you all know what ter do if the Skrewt attacks, right?" Hagrid asked the class. The Gryffindors and most of the Slytherins nodded, while Malfoy's tight knit gangmembers were muttering amongst themselves in the back. Umbridge, of course, didn't notice this.
"So, just take Harry's lead: Duck down and shoot a Stunner at his gut, if yeh know how. Yeh don't, use somethin' else, alright?" The class murmured assent, while Hagrid looked at Umbridge with a smile.
"So, tha' work for yeh, High Inquisitor?" Umbridge looked rather disappointed, before shooting a glare at Hermione, Harry and Ron.
"Yes, yes, I suppose so... I'd like to inspect the beast myself, though." With this, Umbridge stepped forward, right in front of the docile Skrewt.
"Well then... This is a hideous creature," Umbridge sniffed without preamble. She stared hard at it while Malfoy, Goyle, and Crabbe laughed quietly in the back of the class.
"Indeed, what could you learn from such a vile, ugly, disgusting-AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" The Skrewt had siezed Umbridge in it's giant claws, causing her toad-like face to bulge from the pressure.
"HEEEEELLL-!" CRACK! CRUSH! CRUNCH! The Skrewt devoured the proffessor noisily, cutting off her screams, before settling down on it's eight legs rather like a contented dog. Hagrid, and the rest of the class, stared at the Skrewt in amazement.
"... Well, now there's something I'm glad to learn about Skrewts," said Dean Thomas.
Number Two: Hooray for Diplomacy!
"So, if you'll just turn to Chapter Ten, Section Five, 'Negotiation Can Be Fun!', we shall begin our reading-Yes, Miss Granger?" Hermione had raised her hand, as usual, in Umbridge's DADA class. The majority of the students looked extraordinarily bored.
"Professor Umbridge, dearie," Umbridge corrected with a vile smile on her face. Hermione took that in stride.
"I'd like to ask... Could we, act out negotiating with our potential foes, so that we may better understand how to do it?" Hermione asked politely. Umbridge smiled.
"Well dear, that sounds like a wonderful idea! I will have Harry act it out with you!" Harry raised an inquisitive eyebrow at Hermione, who simply smiled reassuringly as they stood opposite eachother at the head of the classroom. The rest of the students watched.
"Er... Professor Umbridge, may I use a script I wrote last night for this very occasion?" Umbridge smiled horribly, doubtless believing that her brainwashing efforts in this excuse for a class had been working.
"Go right ahead, dear." Hermione pulled out two rolls of parchment from her robes, handed one to Harry, winked at him, and began to read aloud.
"Harry James Potter, you scoundral! How many girl's hearts have you broken this week?" Hermione asked, in a mock angry tone. Harry, after getting over his surprise and reminding himself this wasn't real, read his part next.
"What do you mean, Hermione? I just couldn't find the right one, I mean..." Harry's part said trail off nervously, which he managed to do. Hermione scowled more heavily at him, getting into the act.
"Do you know how many sobbing, misrable girls I've had to comfort because you don't know the first thing about girls?" Hermione demanded, illiciting sniggering from all around the class. Harry (again reminding himself this wasn't real) replied:
"Er... No, no I don't."
"You insensitive prat! At least ten! Good lord, you jerk! You're an affront to women everywhere!" Hermione drew her wand, and pointed it at Harry threateningly. Even a mock angry Hermione could be quite terrifying, so Harry had no problem sounding scared, as his next part required.
"No, no! Wait, I can explain! I mean, okay, I'm no good with girls! I admit it! I'm sorry! You don't have to blast me into the wall, you know."
"Well excuse me, Mister I-Don't-Have-To-Ask-For-Help-From-Anyone about your ineptitude towards the opposite sex! In fact, for your arrogance, I should blast you into dust!" The evil smirk on Umbridge's face indicated she wouldn't mind at all to see Harry blasted into dust. Harry felt himself growing a bit angry, as the rest of the class was laughing quite hard now.
"I'm sorry! Do you you think I like to make girls cry? I mean, blame the Dursleys! They raised me to be their beast of burden and whipping boy, not Mister Sensitive!"
"You could have asked, Harry! Good Lord, why do you have to be so difficult? I should hex you into oblivion right now!" Harry saw Hermione wink again, and resisted the urge to smile. He got down on his knees, and in a mock desperate voice:
"Please Hermione! Don't! I don't want to duel you! I... er... Care too much about you!" The class roared, with the exception of Ron Weasley, who was looking at Harry in shock. Hermione sniffed, giving Harry another reassuring wink.
"If you did, you wouldn't be such an insensitive bastard! Couldn't you stop your brooding and try to remember we're your friends, Harry?"
"Well, if you and Ron weren't fighting all the damn time, I wouldn't have a problem! I mean, really! You act like a married couple sometimes!"
"Low blow, git! And why would I marry Ron?" Harry's eyes widened at his next line, but he read it resolutely.
"Um... You're right, why would you?"
"Because I care too much about you, dummy." The class abruptly became silent, staring at Hermione and Harry, absolutely flabbergasted. Umbridge, who looked rather bored, stood behind Harry, sipping some tea. Harry gaped at Hermione, who winked at him a final time and gave him a coy smile.
"Unfortunately, because I care about you so much, I need to hit you with a hex to make sure you get the message!"
"No, wait! Let me get my-"
"Reducto!" Hermione yelled, and Harry barely rolled out of the way of the Reducing Curse. The blast, instead, connected with Umbridge. Her eyes were wide as she was blown out of the room, through a window, down a flight of stairs, and finally into Peeves the Poltergeist. Unlike other ghosts, Peeves was solid, and so didn't take this hit very happily.
"So, you like to play rough, eh?!" Peeves grabbed Umbridge by her disgustingly pink cardigan, hoisted her over his shoulders, and threw her into a fireplace. A non-Floo fireplace.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!" She shrieked in the flames, as numerous students and teachers came out of their classrooms to see what the hell was going on. Peeves, cackling evilly, pulled a can of Fireworms: The hottest snacks around! from his belt and casually tossed it into the fire.
KA-BOOM!The anti-fire protections in the walls of Hogwarts made sure the flames from the blast stayed in the hearth, which also ensured that Umbridge was reduced to ashes in a matter of seconds. The students and teachers all stared, before cheering merrily. Harry looked at Hermione, who stood next to him with an evil smirk on her face.
"You planned this, didn't you?" Harry asked, amazed. Hermione shrugged carelessly.
"Maybe." Ron grinned behind them, as the DADA class talked excitedly amongst themselves.
"Great! So, all that stuff about Harry... Wasn't true, right?" Ron asked eagerly. Hermione rolled her eyes.
"When did I say that?" And with that, Hermione grabbed Harry's head, pulled him close, kissed him hard on the lips, and headed down the hallway, her blush radiating from her cheeks though her back was turned. Ron blinked, and looked at Harry, who had a rather dopey grin on his face. The youngest Weasly son sighed heavily, rolling his eyes.
"Nutters, all of them..."
Number Three: Muggle Studies
Professor Barnes, who usually taught Muggle Studies, had fallen violently ill this day. Whether or not this had anything to do with the fact that Proffessor Umbridge had 'attended' his class the day before was a matter of speculation among the student body. Still, when Hermione reached her class that day, she couldn't help but be rather shocked by whom was sitting at Barnes' desk instead of the supposedly-sick Muggle Studies teacher.
"Professor Lupin?!" The werewolf smiled at Hermione, as the rest of the class (who all remembered Lupin back in third year) brightened and began talking excitedly amongst themselves.
"Yes, I'm filling in today. Now, class, please settle in so we might-"
"Hem, hem." Hermione stifled a growl at the appearance of the High Inquisitor, in her horrible cloak and feathered hat, in the doorway. The class began talking amongst themselves quietly. Professor Lupin sat smiling at Umbridge, his fingers steepled before him on the table.
"You must be Professor Umbridge. The Headmaster told me to be expecting you." Umbridge smiled sweetly at Lupin.
"Did he now? Did he not tell you that werewolves were strictly banned from teaching jobs of any kind in England and Wales, by the Ministry, three years ago?" Hermione looked anxiously at Professor Lupin. He was still smiling politely.
"Yes, indeed. I should say you know, at least-You wrote that law." Umbridge didn't falter a bit.
"In which case," Umbridge continued, as if Lupin hadn't said anything, "you should immediately be removed from the premises." Hermione glared at Umbridge, feeling slightly tempted to reach for her wand. Quickly looking about her, she noticed that everyone else wore the same expression of anger she did.
"Actually," replied Lupin calmly, "those laws only succeeded being passed in Wales and England. This is Scotland, in the off-chance you forgot where you were in your extreme devotion to your mission here, Madam Inquisitor." The class sniggered, as Umbridge's smile grew more poisonus.
"You realize, of course, I shall have a good, long talk about this with Headmaster Dumbledore, correct?" Umbridge had taken out her notepad and quill again and was furiously jotting down notes.
"Yes, yes, you do that," Lupin replied distractedly, as he pulled out a trunk from underneath the desk. "Now class, Professor Barnes told me you were studying Muggle weaponry today, correct?" The class murmured assent, as Hermione struggled to ignore Umbridge's furious scribbling. Lupin smiled at the class, knitting his hands behind his back.
"So, who can tell me what the most common Muggle weapon is?" Hermione raised her hand. Lupin pointed at her.
"Yes, Miss Granger?"
"Well, generally speaking, the most commonly used Muggle weapon is known as a gun. Collectively, firearms." Lupin nodded.
"Good, five points to Gryffindor. Who can tell me what the basic principal behind such a weapon is... Ernie?" Ernie Macmillian took a breath.
"Basically, the principal is that a metal projectile - a bullet - is accelerated through a tube - or barrel - by a small chemical explosion." Lupin nodded.
"Excellent. Five points to Hufflepuff. Now, Professor Barnes was planning on showing you how such Muggle weapons work, but nothing more than that. I, er... Decided to change the lesson plan slightly. Instead, you will all show how well you can safely use Muggle weaponry, a number of examples that I will now show you from this trunk. Please, gather round." After the class had done so (but at a safe distance) Lupin began.
In turn, Lupin showed and explained how to load, aim, and fire a 45mm revolver, a Winchester repeating rifle, and an M-16 machine gun. He also showed them a hand grenade, and a grenade launcher he attached to the M-16. After he was done briefly explaining each weapon's purpose and how to use them safely, Lupin conjured up a target on the far wall of the classroom, and gave everyone a pair of protective goggles. Lupin grinned from behind his own pair.
"These are for making sure your eyes are not injured in case of an accident. Muggles use them in their chemistry classrooms, among other places where they need to protect their eyes-Yes, Terry?" Terry Boot had raised his hand.
"Sir, what's Chemistry?"
"That is the Muggle word for their version of Potions," Lupin explained. Terry grinned.
"I don't suppose I could hold onto these, could I sir?"
"I don't see why anyone shouldn't get to keep their pair," answered Lupin, as a number of students grinned at eachother. Injuries in Potions weren't restricted to Gryffindors, of course. "Now, who would like to have a go first?"
"May I?" Asked a dreamy voice from the back. Luna Lovegood drifted up to Lupin, her goggles securely around her eyes, and her wand behind her ear. Lupin smiled, and handed her the M-16. He pushed her gently towards the target, as she awkwardly held the slightly heavy weapon up. She undid the safety.
"Hem, hem." Lupin turned, and saw Umbridge smiling at him from behind a few students. "Are you quite sure that these students need to know about such silly things as Muggle weaponry?"
"Well, it's important to give the students as diverse an education as possible," Lupin replied politely. "And after all, these weapons were built for defensive purposes first, exactly like the first wands. Does the Ministry really fear the pursuit of knowledge so much?" Hermione giggled slightly, as Umbridge raised her eyebrows.
"I'll have you know, Mister Lupin, that the Ministry has no fear aside from the well being of the students in this school and-"
RATATATATATATATATATATA!Luna Lovegood had begun firing the machine gun, which like all automatic weapons tended to move on it's own if the person handling it wasn't quite strong enough. Having been warned this might happen, with a single shout from Lupin the class (plus that toad Umbridge, who pulled Hannah Abbott over herself for protection) dropped to the floor, covering their heads, as the machine gun's rate of fire spun Luna around in a circle, causing serious damage to the desks, bookshelves, and walls of the classroom. Luna managed to stop her gun, standing, blinking her large blue eyes at the smoking bullet holes everywhere, and her classmates huddled on the floor.
"Oh dear, I'm dreadfully sorry," said Luna in her dreamy way, as Umbridge got to her feet, angrily sputtering.
"Why, why I never! You sick, dangerous-YOU NEARLY GOT ME KILLED!" Lupin smiled wryly at her, as the rest of the class got warily to their feet.
"At least no one was hurt, correct Professor? None of the students were harmed, which I believe is supposed to be our main priority?" Umbridge snarled at him.
"I'll have you know that I'll make sure you can never so much as teach a kitten when I'm through with you! I'll have you locked at Azkaban, for planning on equipping students with Muggle garbage and sending them to kill the Ministry! You disgusting, half-human-"
RATATATATATATATATATA!Luna Lovegood had accidently hit the trigger, and everyone immediately ducked-Aside from Umbridge.
"AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!" She screamed as she was blown back, hit by numerous bullets and now resembling toad-shaped Swiss cheese. Luna, trying to turn off the gun, accidently hit the grenade launching button.
POMPH! The grenade flew for the blood-gushing Umbridge, as Lupin quickly erected a Shield Charm around the students.
BOOM!The class looked up from the floor, at the gooey, bloody remains of Umbridge splattered across the wall. Lupin raised an eyebrow at the mess, then turned to Luna. She blinked, then shrugged.
"I am terribly sorry, really. I didn't mean to."
"No, no," said Lupin with a slight sigh, as the students, though wrinkling their noses, grinned at eachother. "It's quite all right. Perhaps I shouldn't have started with the machine gun after all..."
Well, I tried to keep everyone as IC as possible, considering the objective. Which was to kill Umbridge. Mission accomplished! R&R, please!