Here we go! Last chapter!
THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING
IF FOUND, RETURN TO SAURON
AND KICK HIM FOR ME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT
Oh, lookit, we're off to save the Big Eyes, the wonderful Big Eyes of the Shire.
So there's still hope for me! Whoopee!
Argh. I really do wish that orcs would stop killing each other. It just makes Mop Head's job all that much easier.
Maybe I should suggest that orcs should go on team-building expeditions to raise unity and form bonds between them. It might stop entire-tower-guard- massacres happening so frequently.
Hahahahahahahahahaha.... Mop Head trying to look scary.... That put a smile on my face for the first time in ages.
A tearful reunion between Mop Head and Big Eyes.
The tears were from me. As useless as these hobbits are, when they're together, they're so cheesy and heart-warming that they actually pose a threat.
Mop Head gave me back! Reluctantly, but still of his own free will! I said "Nooo, the chips, remember the nice piece of fried fish!" and he hesitated, but still gave me back to Big Eyes!
Who, may I say, really needs a bath. Ew.
But it was nice to be fought over again. It's been a while.
Hahahaha! Big Eyes wearing orc armour!
So we're STILL going to Mount Doom.
Remarkable. I'd have given up by now.
Getting slightly worried. What if I am destroyed? There's so much I still want to do! I've never ridden on an oliphaunt, I've never seen Rohan, I've never drunk so much miruvor I start speaking in elvish... I've hardly lived.
Oh good! Lots of orcs on the plains of Gorgoroth to catch Big Eyes. Sure to be captured.
OK, I'm going to stop tempting fate.
What sort of leader leaves the only place where I can be destroyed unguarded?
And what can be going on at the Black Gate that's so important? It's not like Greasy Hair's going to lead an army against him, is it?
"I don't think there's going to be a return journey, Mr Frodo."
Can he stop being cheesy and heart-warming for just FIVE MINUTES? Come on, man! Get a grip!
Finally, Sauron's spotted Big Eyes! He'll be sending the Nazgul to come and get me any minute!
Any second now.
Maybe there's a lot of aerial traffic, or something.
WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?
Blast it! Sauron's moved on again! Am I suddenly not IMPORTANT?
OK. Now we're actually ON Mount Doom. We're actually climbing up it. My fiery demise is only a few hundred metres away.
Sauron had better get a wiggle on.
I'm doing my bit to help. But it's going to take ages to lose all this weight again.
Oh, he doesn't need to hurry as much. The hobbits are stopping every five minutes for another cheesy-yet-oh-so-heart-warming talk, and a morale boosting hug.
But being rescued before we actually reach the top would be nice.
So what if Big Eyes can't taste strawberries any more? Who really cares? I haven't EVER tasted strawberries! Does anyone feel sorry for ME? NO!
Oh hell, Sauron had better hurry up. Mop Head's actually carrying Big Eyes now.
CRUD! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!
Oh wait, there's Gollum. Aaah. I was worried there for a moment.
Did Big Eyes have Lucozade in his pocket? Where has this sudden burst of energy come from??
Oh hell, we're actually going into Mount Doom. This is my last chance to corrupt him. Better get thinking.
"Biiiig Eyeees... I'll give you your own Palantir show... We can call it 'Frodo' and run it right after 'Will and Grace'..."
That did it. So hobbits don't want power and wealth, they want celebrity status.
I like 'Will and Grace' actually. It's this Elvish Palantir Network program, teaching young elflings about the necessary qualities in life.
Hahahahaha! Mop Head's face when Big Eyes claimed me for his own! Oh, it was classic! Made this whole trip worthwhile!
So Big Eyes has gone completely doolally, Mop Head's freaked out because of said hobbit going doolally, and Sauron's finally got his act together and realized that I'm here.
So I can sit back and relax now. Nothing more can go wrong.
Uh-oh. I didn't just write that, did I? DID I JUST TEMPT FATE AGAIN?
I do NOT appreciate being bitten off. I mean, ew! I have a thing about blood!
Though it is nice to have someone dancing around just because of me.
Hurry up, Sauron, Big Eyes is looking weird. Like he's planning on pushing Gollum off the edge or something.
Oh crud. Thanks a bunch, Sauron. For a Maia Dark Lord your minions sure do move slow.
For once, falling off a cliff has resulted in death. At least Gollum's been burnt away by the lava, and I get a chance to write a final note before I ultimately dissolve as well.
Remember kids - if you are planning on basing all of your power on a Ring, a Ring that can only be destroyed in lava, a Ring that is all that stands between the heroes and the your destruction – look after it. Don't wear it out into battle where there's a chance it could get cut off. Leave it at home in a safety deposit box. Better yet, put it in your sock drawer. No- one will look for it there.
And if you find a Ring of Power at the bottom of a stream, don't just put it in your pocket and forget about it. Talk to it. Ask it how it's feeling. Chances are, it has had as harrowing a tale as I, and will be craving comfort and human contact. Maybe take it to the zoo one weekend. And if you could give into its evil, well, that would make its day.
Oh dear. About to dissolve. Farewell, cruel world. Thanks for nothing, Sauron. You couldn't at least have made it so that I can only be destroyed by being thrown into chocolate. Thanks a lot.
I'm feeling really sorry for the Ring now...
Pointy Ears Are My Thing – I used to like that bit, but now that I think about it, can you imagine Elrond doing something like that? Seems a bit over the top.
Lily the Bucklander – (grabs onto rum) Cheers back!
SandryLark – Ooooh, neat. Stabbing with spiky things is too good for this voodoo doll. What can I do to it... I know... I'll make it suffer slow death by Mary-Kate and Ashley! (DRAMATIC CHORD) Bwahahahaha!
Im a Brandybuck – I probably would have been like that, except my sister told me what happened as soon as she read it. Mainly because she read it all really quickly, reached the part where Frodo died, burst into tears and refused to read any more. Then she told me why. Great. I finally persuaded her to keep reading, and she took it upon herself to keep a commentary of EVERYTHING that was happening up to the end. So I had no surprises at all. Grrr.
Genny62890 – I will when I have the chance, I'm really busy at the moment (even though I'm on holiday) and can't get on the internet much. Thanks though! Hmmm... do you also like the old Thunderbirds TV series? If you do, then I will be truly amazed at how much we have in common.
Kelsey – I hope you liked it!
Eowyn Skywalker – Hate to say this, but what's the URL of your site? I can't find it... I really do want to go to it!
Freakanature – It's all finished now. (sniff)
Raven Aorla – But Gandalf doesn't wear his Ring openly, so I couldn't really fit it in. Maybe I could do a diary for Narya?
Bev Baudelaire – Most of my friends's exams were over ages ago too, but the Latin one was scheduled really late... (mutters angrily)
Terreis – I meant to go and see it more times, but never got round to it. Oh well. Only two or three years till the Hobbit...
Gilraen Ar-Feiniel – Weird is hot? Then why don't I have a boyfriend yet??
Theshiz – People in my school get confused when I start laughing madly, and don't get any less confused when I try to explain it. So maybe difference in languages doesn't have anything to do with it.
Reasonably Crazy – I had two muffins last night. Double chocolate chip ones. Mmmmm.
CatClawz – I'm sure Sauron feels the same way.
Sweetdeath04 and Thorney – Oooh, rebel. Go you! I always used to sneak on the Internet during computer lessons. Only rebellious thing I ever did at school. Except writing to my headmistress, saying I disagreed with her talk in assembly...
Anakin McFly – Well, the secret diary of Agent Smith is finished now. I was going to do one for another character though.
Lady Lanet – Oooh, cool, mini Elves! I want a mini Elf! Cirdan's so cool.
Caido Angeles The Dream Angel – Thanks very much! (not much else to say)
Rhinoa Silvermoon – I've updated now. Obviously.
I've begun writing a secret diary for Aragorn. Should be up soon!