Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Fangirls
Disclaimer: Yup. Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp are my personal slaves. Riiiight. Of course I don't own any of the characters, etc.
Further warnings: This is a parody of the slew of "fangirl oriented" fanfics out there. You know what I'm talking about. The ones where Will and/or Jack fall desperately in love with some girl who is really the actualization of the author. If you read/write them, you might find this story slightly offensive. I apologize in advance. Just remember, this is supposed to be light-hearted and "funny." Don't take anything too seriously.
Chapter One: Elizabeth is missing…again
Jake Sparrow, captain of the Black Pearl, merrily hummed to himself. Beside him stood Mr. Gibbs. The older man glanced at him. Jack was humming that damned "yo ho" song again. Gibbs clenched and unclenched his fists, fighting the urge to throttle the captain.
Jack was oblivious to the agony he was causing his first mate. His mind was preoccupied with steering his precious ship through the craggy inlet. The narrow waterway lay opposite of Port Royal on the island. His men were in for a good march to reach the port city. However, now that Commodore Norrington had resumed the chase, Jack couldn't simply steer the Pearl into the open bay.
"Lower the anchor!" cried Jack. He could hear Mr. Cotton's parrot gleefully echo the order from across the ship.
The men (and one woman) busied themselves with readying the ship for their stay. Jack stepped aside while Mr. Gibbs took the helm. Giving one last approving glance to his crew, Jack headed below to his cabin. The cramped living space was crowded with the glittering riches from the Isla del Muerto. He rummaged through the treasure, muttering under his breath. Jack picked up a string of pearls and studied it for a moment; then he frowned and tossed them aside. Next, he picked up a golden goblet inlaid with shimmering, blood-red rubies. He found its mate and then headed back out onto the deck.
Jack held the two goblets over his head for the other man to see. "What about these?"
Mr. Gibbs chuckled jovially. "I don't know how Miss Elizabeth will take to receiving stolen pirate booty as a weddin' present."
Jack frowned and then shuffled back into the cabin. He tossed the goblets haphazardly in opposite directions. Grabbing his leather purse, he filled it with gold coins and pulled the strings tight. Perhaps it would be better if he just bought a wedding gift for Will and Elizabeth in Port Royal. Jack swaggered back out to join his crew as they climbed into the longboats. They had a wedding to attend.
As Jack strode through the streets of Port Royal, he noted that the people had recovered nicely from Barbossa's attack. Life had resumed its normal pace. The whole town seemed to be abuzz concerning the impending wedding between the governor's daughter and the blacksmith's apprentice. With the ceremony only three days away, it was the only thing they talked about.
Most of the crew had dispersed throughout the city and Jack found himself wandering the streets alone. However, the eerie sense of being watched hung over him. Jack's hand rested on the hilt of his sword as he moved through the marketplace. He glanced about, but no red-clad soldiers followed him. Still, he could feel the weight of invisible eyes upon him.
The pirate captain spun around, his longcoat billowing out around him. William Turner was running towards him at full speed. The blonde man nearly collided with Jack as he came to a halt. The pirate could tell that his friend was panicked; Will's eyes were wide and his entire body appeared to be trembling. In his right hand he clutched a crumpled piece of parchment.
"Will, what is it?"
"They've taken Elizabeth!"
Jack raised his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side. "Again?"
Will scowled at the older man. "This isn't humorous in the least."
The pirate held his hands up defensively. He reached out towards the letter, silently requesting the chance to read it. "What happened?"
Will handed the abused letter to his friend. "Commodore Norrington arrived just moments ago. Governor Swann went to awaken Elizabeth this morning so she could be fitted for her dress. He found her bed empty and this letter addressed to me."
Jack nodded as he unfolded the letter. It read:
To Mr. William Turner,
I am holding your darling Elizabeth hostage. I will agree to her release when you have sworn your undying love and allegiance to me. Keep in mind, dear William, this is for your own good. You will be much happier with me instead of that harlot for you have not experienced a love as pure and as passionate as the love I have for you. Forsake the wretched Elizabeth and come to me, my love, for I am you destiny.
X, Queen of the Fangirls
Jack read the letter three times over. The he looked back at his distraught comrade. "What is a 'fangirl'?" he asked, carefully annunciating the foreign word.
Will shrugged. "How the hell am I supposed to know?"
Jack nodded and then flipped the letter over. After a moment of intense study he appeared to come to a conclusion. He meticulously refolded the letter and returned it to Will. "Do not worry. We will save your dear Elizabeth…again. I'll go tell the men to ready the Black Pearl."
"But how will we find her?" argued Will, the desperation apparent in his voice.
Jack tapped the crisp parchment of the letter. "The lass who has your lass left an address at which to reply."
Will glanced back down at the paper. He had been so distraught over the disappearance of his soon-to-be wife that he had failed to notice the words "X, Queen of the Fangirls, Isla de Obsession" written on the front.
"She must not be too bright," muttered the blacksmith, as he squinted down at the looping cursive.
"Or she's wicked clever," replied Jack. "Telling you where you should go. Makes it awful easy to set a trap, savvy?"
Will frowned. What sort of crafty she-devil were they dealing with? But then, it couldn't be worse than facing a pirate crew of the damned. Could it? As he followed after Jack, Will tried to fight off the dark sense of foreboding that threatened to consume him.
From the dark recesses of an alleyway, two girls watched as Jack Sparrow and Will Turner headed off to gather the crew of the Black Pearl. Twin, cat-like grins twisted their lips.
"It seems we will soon have some male company on our fair island. Right, Sister Y?" commented the first girl.
"Mistress X will be pleased. Right, Sister Z?"
The two girls cackled madly and then disappeared into the shadows.
To Be Continued….
Will Jack and Will fall prey to Queen X's trap? Will the fangirls succeed in ravaging their sexy bodies? Find out in chapter two of Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Fangirls!!
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