All in the Family: Archie's Auto

By: ZerOmegaDark




*Later that day, the family drives home in their cars. Mike and Gloria walk through the front door laughing while Archie walks through with his usual "mad-at-the-world" expression on his face. Edith follows behind.*

"Boy Arch, that sure is a quality machine you got there," Mike jokes.

"Clam up, Meathead."

"Daddy, don't take it out on Michael just because a Pinto was all you could afford."

"I think it's very cute," Edith comments.

"Ah, what do you know? You'd find something to like in a garbage dump."

"Michael and I like our car just fine. It's very sporty."

"Well listen, I ain't gotta win no race with that car, it just has to hold up better than yours."

"I''m telling you Arch, Japanese cars are generally of a higher quality than American cars."

"And I'm telling you that that car I got there will outlast that Jap piece of machinery youse two wasted your money on. For instance, let me show youse something. C'mere."

Archie leads the family outside to the cars, the Datsun in front of the Ford. Archie walks up to the Datsun.

"All right, take a look at this paint job here. Look how dull this paint is. Now look over here."

He instructs them to the Ford.

"Now look at this paint job. Tons better, Meathead. True American quality."

As he taps the hood of the car to emphasize the words in his last sentence, a chunk of paint about the size of his hand comes off and bare metal is exposed.

"True American quality, Arch."

Annoyed, Archie kicks the car's tire...and the hubcap comes off...and the tire starts deflating. Infuriated, Archie bangs his fist on the hood and puts a dent in it as well as taking more paint off. Gloria and Edith decide they have seen enough of the spectacle and go back inside. Mike walks up to Archie, Archie gives him 20 dollars, and Mike goes inside as well. Archie sighs and looks at the car.

"Maybe I'll take the subway tomorrow." Archie says to himself.


the end