Disclaimer: Don't own any of this stuff but thank God Kids WB started new episodes again. Anyways I think I have successfully beaten my writer's block to death with this one. Check out moondemon's "The Death Wish". It's not the most well written fic ever but it gave me the idea for this one so I owe it a big hug and thank you. R/R, I know you will.
WARNING: I cried when I wrote this. I just want to state right now that I love Toad and I wish that no harm may come to him now or ever. That being said, prepare to be depressed.
This all feels like a dream, a surreal nightmare I can't wake up from. Maybe it is. I haven't been sleeping well since . . . it happened. Maybe this whole thing is all a nightmare. The cold night wind bites at me as I pull my coat closer to try and protect myself from it. It painfully reminds me that this is real and that he's really gone. Forever.
I would close my eyes to try and block everything out but I just keep replaying what happened. That's why I can't sleep at night. I can see it so clearly, too clearly. His eyes, his face, his head in my hands. I can see him fade away, the light in his eyes just go out right there. I can hear him whisper his last words. 'I love you'. I'll never be able to sleep again.
I stand in front of the marker and fall to my knees. The others don't know I'm here. I haven't gone out of my room since it happened. The only exceptions were now and the funeral. God, the funeral. I couldn't contain my tears. I couldn't bear to watch as they put him in the ground.
I trace the letters with my scarlet nails. Todd Tolensky. Everything flashes in front of me. I remember what happened. Dad said the Brotherhood had to prove themselves so he gave us a job. A hate group, the Friends of Humanity, had been hurting mutants. He said they were planning something big. We were supposed to stop them.
We raided their headquarters. They didn't stand a chance. Toad was in rare form that night, bouncing around and cracking jokes. Was, past tense. This hurts so much. He loved to impress me, to show me how cool he was. Why was I so fucking worthy of his attention? Why was I worth him dying?
Everything is still a blur even when I try to remember it. One of them was somehow behind me. I was busy, too busy to notice him aim his gun at the back of my head. Toad, however, was more observant. I can still remember him slamming his body into mine as he took the bullet that was meant for me. It slipped right up under the armor on that stupid outfit he wears when we go on missions. The crack of the revolver still haunts me. I hear it in my head sometimes and I remember. I remember cradling him in my arms. The last thing he said after asking if I was okay was, "I love you." I never got the chance to tell him how much I cared. He was gone.
I put my forehead against the stone and sob. When he was gone something in my mind shattered. I suddenly remembered everything: the asylum, Father, Pietro, the Sentinel disaster, everything. I remembered Arrowrose. This was the second time he had saved my life but this time he wasn't so lucky. I haven't spoken to Father or Pietro since Toad died. I hope to God I never do ever again. They can both burn in Hell for all I care.
"You stupid little wart," I mutter through my tears, "Why'd you have to care so damn much? Why'd you have to let me live? You damn stupid fool." It would've been better if I had gotten the bullet. I wish I had. It's not fair that a sweet guy like him has to die saving a monster like me. I wasn't worth his love.
"Why'd you have to die?" I cry, "You didn't have even the damn decency to hang on so I could say I loved you too. I should've told you sooner. I can't get anything right." I just sit there crying for a little bit. Then I think something stupid.
'I can do anything,' I think, 'I'm the Scarlet Witch. It's all just chance, just luck that I can change.' I summon my powers for the biggest hex I've ever tried. I don't know if I can do it, if I can make him live again. I'm not God, I don't think, but if I can just get close enough to it I can bring him back. I can tell him I love him. I can kiss him again and this time I'll really mean it.
"Come on," I hiss through gritted teeth, "Work damn it." I can feel the little tingle in my head. The electricity makes my hairs stand on end. I'm trying but it's not working. I can do anything, why can't I bring back the only person in the world I care about? I'm so good at breaking things, blowing things up, and hurting people. Why can't I fucking fix something for once in my worthless, miserable existence? Why can't I bring back the one person who meant everything to me?
"Damn it," I sob as I pound on the hard marble, "Damn it, damn it, damn it." Every curse is accompanied by a pound. I curse and pound until my hands are red. My nails dig so deep into my skin that blood oozes out. Blood on my hands. Kid's stuff. I've suffered worse. The bruises in my heart and scars on my soul will attest to that fact.
Blood on my hands, not just mine but his too. This is all my fault. He died for me, took a bullet in his kind little heart to save me. Why? I certainly didn't deserve it. I never deserved any of the attention he showed me especially considering the way I treated him like shit. God, I was so cruel to him.
"Todd, please," I beg, "I need to see you smile again, I need to hear you call me one of those stupid names. I need you to know I love you too." Too little, too late. He's gone now all because of me. He's gone and there's nothing I can do to bring him back.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, "I'm sorry I never told you how much I cared about you. I'm sorry I never told you how much I enjoyed that kiss or how I loved it when you paid so much attention to me. Your cuddlebumps is sorry, Todd. Your snuggles, your crimson cutie, your sugar plum, your babycakes, your Wanda. She misses you so much, Todd, so very much."
I couldn't finish. I wanted to tell him I was sorry he took the bullet instead of me. He was lucky. He doesn't have to feel all the pain I feel right now. Todd died to save me but without him around I don't have anything to keep me alive.