Hello all! I'm back! Enjoy the chapter and I'll do the shout outs at the end!

Beyond the Spandex

TheWalrusWasPaul

Chapter 8; Abort! Abort!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except everything…

Rated 'R' just like the pirate movie!

Scott's head hurt, not a little pain either, this was full blown 'I think I'm gonna die' pain. He managed to groan and roll over onto his side to look at the clock on his nightstand. 5:00. Fine, he still had an hour before the next danger room session, he'd be able to stand up in an hour.

Unless he needed to throw up.

And so the porcelain gods were appeased once more.

Scott was going to kill Logan and Kurt. If he ever managed to get up off the bathroom floor that is…

Jean hated the porcelain gods and the fact that they loved to demand prayers from her at 5:00. She groaned and tried to figure out just what she'd done yesterday and how she ended up sleeping in Ororo's attic, wearing nothing but Beast's Family Guy boxers and Rogue's Neil Young tee shirt… How did Ororo end up with everyone's clothing anyway?

She caught sight of Logan's boxers in the corner and decided she really didn't want to know. Wait, were those Scott's tighty whities?

"If you touch me one more time, I swear to God you will never be able to have children!" Kitty said as she pulled the comforter more tightly around her slender body.

"But Katya…" Peter began.

"No!" she cried, "No more buts! I've created a monster!" she sighed, "Can't you just go back to being sweet Peter for a while?"

Pitor thought about it for a minute before diving on top of Kitty, who screamed bloody murder as she was ravaged once more. "I hate you!"

An hour later Scott managed to pull himself away from the toilet and made his way down to the danger room. He was exactly on time, 6:00, bright and early. So why was the sun starting to set? He was about to freak out when Jean rushed into the room looking a little rough.

"Sorry I'm late Scott…" She paused as she looked around, "Where is everyone?"

Before he could answer the doors to the danger room locked and maniacal laughter could be heard from the control room. Scott looked up, dreading what he was about to find.

"Welcome to our danger room exercise!" Came Betsy's voice as she looked down at the two and waved. "Jean if you'll kindly step to one side, Storm and Rogue are ready to assist you."

Jean took a step back and suddenly found herself separated from Scott by a thick brick wall. "What the-"

"No need t'worry sugah! We're just gonna make ya look irresistible t'old Scooter over there." Rogue said as she approached Jean with a hairbrush and a very small green teddy.

"Simply relax and let us work." Ororo said as she came at Jean from the other side brandishing a makeup kit.

"Can't we talk about this guys?" Jean said as she suddenly found herself pressed up against the brick wall.

"Y'wanna get laid or not?" Rogue asked.

Jean thought about it for a minute, "Hand me that teddy."

"Y'think dis will work?" Remy asked Logan as they sat in the control tower watching Scott look around in confusion.

Logan shook his head, "With any normal guy I'd say yeah, but this is Cyke…Jean might havta use her powers on him…"

Betsy shook her head, "I don't understand why she wasn't doing that all along. Honestly whenever I've been with a man who wasn't doing something right, I would always…." She trailed off when she noticed Warren looking at her with narrowed eyes.

"You'd always what?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Well, I would, err… Look! A diversion!" she shouted as she dashed out of the control room.

Warren, who did fall for her childish trick, frowned and began to follow her, "See you in a while boys, let me know how it all turns out. I have a ninja to catch."

Logan's voice stopped him as he reached the door, "She likes to hide out in the laundry room."

Warren's eyes went a little wide; "I never would have thought to look for her there! Thank you Wolverine."

"Any time bub." He said as Warren left the room.

Gambit shook his head, "I didn't know Bets knew how t'do laundry…"

"She doesn't."

"Den why go dere?"

"'Cause everyone knows she can't do laundry. It's like Jean hiding out in the kitchen, or Cyke in the garage, or you in the billiards room…"

"Hey! Now dat's low! I play pool better den most people on de team!" Remy tried to defend himself.

"That's not sayin' much bub, everyone on the team sucks at pool."

Remy thought about arguing, "Good point."

"Hey, if it makes you feel any better, Jubilee's only a little better then you." Logan said as he slapped Gambit on the shoulder.

The Cajun frowned, "T'anks…"

"Go get'im Jean!" Rogue said with a grin as she surveyed her handy work. Jean looked fantastic, there was no way Scott would be able to resist her.

Ororo smiled, "Beautiful."

Jean laughed a little, "Thanks guys, but doesn't it bother you just a little that I'm standing here in a crotch less teddy and boots?"

"Y'got a whip too." Rogue said.

"And a pair of handcuffs." Ororo added.

"'Sides, we've seen ya naked more times then Ah care t'remember."

Jean looked confused, "Like when?"

"Well there was that time…" Rogue paused, "How about when you were tied up to a tree outside naked!" she exclaimed proud of herself for remembering something.

Jean went pale, "How did you know about that?" she asked thinking back to one of the more private moments she and Scott had shared over the years.

"Robert showed us a video cassette he was sending to America's Funniest Home Videos and it began with you naked, tied to a tree." Ororo said, wondering if she'd just sentenced Bobby to die horribly.

Jean's hair began to float around her head and her left eye began to twitch.

"She's only foolin' Jean!" Rogue said as she backed away from Jean who was beginning to float. "There was never any video! Ah don't know what Ah was talkin' about!"

Jean began to calm down, "Good, so let's get on with this shall we?"

"Well, as much as we love ya Jean, this is somethin' you should really do on yer own." Rogue said as she made a face.

Jean laughed, "You're right! Now let's take down this wall so I can seduce my husband!"

Storm shook her head, "We are going to begin a new program and then Scott with be able to join you." She explained, "Come Rogue, let us give Logan the signal."

With that the two women took flight, leaving Jean alone and wondering what else Bobby had video tapped…

Scott was busy staring at the wall when it vanished to reveal a dungeon filled with chains, an oversized bed and various toys he wasn't sure he wanted to know about. He cautiously entered the room, "Hello?"

"Hey there." Came Jean's voice, as she stepped into view. "Miss me?" she asked as she struck a pose all the better for him to admire her beauty.

"Where were you?" he asked, not really paying any attention to what she was wearing.

"Getting ready for you." She said in a low voice.

"Ready for what?" Scott asked as he looked around, "What is this place anyways? I'm going to kill them for tampering with the danger room! Don't they know how touchy it is?"

Jean's jaw dropped and she walked right up to Scott, "Hey, over here!" she said as she knocked on his head the same as she would have a door, "Anyone in there? Hello! Sex drive!"

Scott blinked, "What?"

Jean took a deep breath, "Scott when was the last time we made love?"

He thought about it, "A year ago, why?"

Jean blinked, "And you don't see a problem with that?"

"No, should I?"

The people in the control tower could hear her teeth grinding. "Yes Scott you should!"

"But Jean we love each other right? Why should we waste time making love when we can simply be in each other's presence?"

Part of Jean wanted to go, 'awwwww' and hug him. The other part wanted to go 'arrrrrrrrrrrgh!' and hit him.

"Don't let that fool you Jean!" Kurt's voice came over the microphone, "he's got a sex drive, yesterday ve caught him looking at horse and woman porn." He said with a wave, happy to help out his friends.

Jean's hair began to float again, "What?"

Rogue and Storm finally made it into the control room, "What's goin' on?" Rogue asked as she stood behind Remy's chair.

"Your idiot brother told Jean dat Scott'd been lookin' at porn." Remy said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Ya didn't Kurt!"

"I thought it might help…" the fuzzy blue one responded.

"Help get him killed." Logan finished.

"I think we have a problem." Storm said as she looked down at Scott and Jean, "She has begun to levitate once more…"

"Her eyes are shinier then yours Remy!"

"Um, is dat fire..?"

"Fuck."

Kitty and Peter felt the mansion begin to shake and jumped out of bed, threw their robes on and dashed out the door. Kitty was nearly run over by Rogue who was flying at break neck speed.

"Hey!" Kitty exclaimed as she flew back into Peter, "What's going on?"

Her answer came from Remy who was running behind Rogue, "Jean's pissed off!"

"How pissed off?" Kitty asked as she began to run along side Remy, Peter right behind her.

Before Remy could answer the piercing screech of a bird cut him, "Dat pissed!"

"Shit!" Kitty exclaimed, "What do we do?"

Remy looked at her like she was stupid, "Run!"

Warren found Betsy in the laundry room watching the clothes in the drier go round and round. It looked as though she'd never seen one do that before.

"You need a new hiding place." Warren said as he announced his presence.

Betsy jumped and turned to face him, "Warren! You startled me!"

He frowned, "Does that mean you weren't snooping through my brain for once?"

"Warren, I-"

He shook his head, blond hair fluttering around his face, "Save it. I can't believe you would do that to me. I thought you trusted me." He was disappointed as much as upset.

Betsy moved to stand in front of him, "Listen to me, I never went into your mind." She let out a small laugh, "in fact you are the only man I've ever been with that I never had too."

Warren narrowed his eyes, "Truthfully?"

She smiled and winked at him, "Trust me Warren, I never needed to tell you that you were doing anything wrong. You were always far too good at what you did."

He puffed his chest out in pride, "Well, I have always been quite bright."

"And modest…" Betsy added with a smirk. She wrapped her arms around him, "I promise lover that I've never entered your mind without your permission. I couldn't do that to you."

"And why not?" he asked, "I know you Betsy, you've never had a problem invading other peoples minds before."

"I just couldn't."

"You're avoiding the question. Why couldn't you?"

Betsy turned red, "I don't see how that matters…"

"Elizabeth…"

"Fine! I couldn't do it because I love you, you great sodding oaf! Are you happy now!" she huffed as she tried to pull out of his arms.

He held tight however, "You love me?" They had been in an on again off again relationship for years now and not once had those three little words been exchanged.

"Yes I do." She said in a small voice, "Now feel free to leave me broken hearted…"

"Why would I do that?" Warren asked as he used one hand to pull her chin up so he could look into her eyes.

"Because I've shown you a weakness, it's only natural that you exploit it." She said as she tried to look away from him.

He smiled at her, "I wouldn't do that to you Bets, anyone else yes, but not you."

"Why?"

He took a deep breath, "I love you too Betsy. I suppose I always have."

Her eyes misted over, "Really?"

He nodded and moved in to kiss her.

"Are you lying to get into my pants?"

Warren laughed, "Betsy, I have very rarely seen you wear pants."

She frowned, "That's not the point. For all I know this is some ridiculous scheme to-"

"Shut up Bardock."

With that Warren leaned in to kiss her, she threw her arms around him as they held each other tightly. As soon as the butterflies decided to quiet down a little, Warren began to peal off the summer dress she wore. Betsy lowered her hands to tug at his belt and pull off his shirt.

Things were definitely beginning to get interesting when the mansion began to shake. They jumped apart and looked around in confusion.

"Warren, I know I said you were good, but shouldn't the world shake during sex?"

He shrugged, "I have no idea, but it might be smart to go find out what's going on." He took her hand and they rushed out of the laundry room, only to see-

"Dark Phoenix!" Betsy cried as she saw the familiar red uniform.

"Correct weakling!" Dark Phoenix laughed as she loomed over the pair, "Now prepare to die!"

Both were frozen, they knew that no matter what they did, they could never hope to defeat Dark Phoenix, she was far too strong. They held each other's hands and began to hope that the end would come quickly.

"Jean stop it!"

"Scott!" Warren called, "Get out of here while you can! She's on a rampage!"

"Yes perverted one, flee in terror!" Dark Phoenix said as she turned to face Cyke, "Or did you finally realize what a wife was for and come to apologize?"

Scott shook his head as Warren and Betsy slipped away and raced down the halls towards the exit where the other X-Men were already assembled.

"I have nothing to apologize for!" Scott shouted.

Dark Phoenix snarled, "You insensitive, idiotic, argh!" she screamed as she began to pelt poor Scott with fire.

Scott shot his nifty eye lasers at Dark Phoenix in an attempt to stop her, but the beams were deflecting off her. All he was doing was cutting her uniform to shreds.

If one were to look very closely they would notice that Jean's fire was having a similar effect on Scott's uniform. Not one of her fire blasts were hurting him in the least.

Wait a minute…

Dark Phoenix suddenly descended on Scott, "Beg for mercy." She said in a seductive voice.

Scott shook his head, "Never!"

She smiled at him, "Excellent." With a wave of her hand he was on his hands and knees before her. She placed one boot-clad foot on his shoulder, "I love it when you resist."

Scott groaned and in one swift movement pulled her under him, "Beg Phoenix."

She shook her head as she tried to escape him, "Never!"

He lowered his face to hers and kissed her none too gently; she bit him in response causing him to moan in pleasure. They began to roll around on the ground tearing off the remains of each other's clothing and doing horrible, horrible things to each other. Scott managed to get on top of Jean at some point and entered her very ready body.

"I will get you back." Phoenix declared as she kissed Scott and dug her fingernails into his back.

"I hope so."

"Ya think he's dead?" Rogue asked the assembled X-Men.

"Prolly." Remy responded as he took another drag of his cig. "Goodbye mornin' meetings."

"Goodbye danger room sessions." Warren added, one arm wrapped tightly around Betsy.

"No more assigned chores," Jubilee said.

"Or night shifts." Ororo added.

"I'm gonna miss him!" Kitty cried as she began to cry.

"Me too, he wasn't so bad…" Rogue said as she too began to sniffle.

"I hate t'say it but you're right Ace. He was a pretty good guy…" Logan said.

"Even gonna miss de mornin' meetings, dey were kinda fun…" Remy said as he thought back to the last morning meeting.

"So was night shift, and dish duty…" Rogue winked at Remy.

"And garbage duty." Ororo said with a small smile.

"And danger room sessions…" Betsy and Warren said together.

"I knew you all loved me!"

The X-Men turned to see Scott and Jean emerging from the mansion wearing civies, big smiles on both of their faces.

"Wait, why aren't ya dead?" Rogue asked as she looked the couple up and down.

Logan inhaled and frowned, "What exactly were you two doing in there?"

"I thought you were killing him!" Kitty said as she began to tear up again.

"Of course not!" Jean said as she held her husband's hand. "Why would I do that?"

"Because Kurt said he was lookin' at de nasty porn…" Remy put in.

Jean and Scott looked at each other, then back to their teammates. "I think we have a confession to make." Scott said.

"You think?" Betsy frowned, "This had better be good."

"Well you know how Jean and I have been married for almost five years now, and been A-Men for ten." Scott began, "After all that time we've seen and done almost everything there is to do."

Jean picked up the twisted story, "After having seen and done so much, it takes a lot to really get our attention anymore. Especially when it comes to sex so…"

"We like to play elaborate roll playing games." Scott finished.

"You sayin' this was all a sick game?" Rogue demanded, narrowing her eyes.

"That's exactly what we're saying." Jean said.

"You guys are bastards." Remy said as he tossed aside his cig and went back inside.

Everyone watched him go, nodding in agreement with his assessment of the situation. "Bastards." The remaining X-Men said together as they all went off to do whatever it is they did all day.

"Well look at that Scott, not only did we play our game, we also got some team work out of them." Jean said with a smirk. "Looks like this year was a success."

"Not like the Onslaught fiasco." Scott said.

"True, that wasn't a very good idea in retrospect."

"Or the Phalanx…"

"Or the Brood…"

"Well the list goes on and on," Scott said, "How about we take this conversation upstairs."

Jean winked and giggled as they ran all the way to their bedroom.

Wow! How twisted was that?

Let's do these shout outs!

Caliente: About the whole time line thing, I have no idea. This fic is for pure shits and giggles it doesn't have to make any sense! Glad you like this fic so much!

Panther Nesmith: Scott and Jean definitely had some crazy sex… 0.0

TheRealMai: I just don't care about Rogue's powers in this fic. Honestly, there are more then enough fics where her powers are the center of attention and a constant head ach. This fic is for fun! I don't wanna get into too much heavy emotional stuff!

RemyShallKillBelladonna:Sweet…

Ishy: Glad y'liked the last chapter so much! Hope you enjoyed this one too!

pantherpitcher32: you got a Betsy/Warren bit in this chapter! I wouldn't be surprised if a Storm/Logan bit was on the way soon!

El: Um… I updated?

goldenone: I'm bacccccckkkkkkkkk!

To everyone else: You guys rock for reading my messed fiction! Hope you stick around for more!

Idon'tremembermyname and Ring of Tamyrlin: I'll write when I want. It's just that easy. Mean reviews don't make me write more, they make me write less. Cheers.

Well I hope you all liked this one, I sure as hell did! Next time, I have no idea what's gonna happen! We'll just have to wait and see!

Review and let me know if this was a good come back, or a Backstreet Boys one (why didn't they stay dead! Why!)

See you on the flip side,

TheWalrusWasPaul