Author's notes: YAY! Extremely long chapter.

I like it, and you better as well, or I'll cut ya.

I've most likely used that threat before, but I swear I will.

Anyway, there's some love crap in here just in time for Valentine's. I was determined to put it up today, as opposed to my Christmas chapter posted waaaay after Christmas. Haha, score and mothballs.

SOOOO…enjoy! I'm almost at 300 reviews, 4 MORE PEOPLE! COME ONNN!

We'll have a 300 review party. Wut wut.

Oh, and I finally address the issue of "OMG I CANT BELIEVE IT WUZ A DREAM, U SUX0RS!" …to some capacity…shifty

Chapter 16

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed, sitting up in bed.

He glanced around the familiar room, blinking a couple of times to clear his head. He was back in his dorm room, sitting on top of his scarlet bedspread, wearing his school clothes.

"HARRY!" Ron burst into the room, red-faced and sweaty. "IS IT BLACK?"

"Wrong book Ron," Harry panted, running a hand through his hair. He never thought he'd be so happy to see Ron in his life.

"Oh yeah…" the red-head shrugged.

"Ron, what the heck happened," a very disoriented Harry inquired, falling back onto his pillow.

"Well, I had a spot of breakfast, just some oatmeal and crackers. Then I went for a walk, trying to break in those new pumps and all. Hmm, well then I had to go to the bathroom so I-"

"Ron, I meant what happened to me," Harry rolled his eyes.

"You, you, you, it's ALWAYS about you, isn't it? What about MY needs! You never tell me I'm beautiful anymore! I got a new haircut and you didn't even NOTICE!" Ron sniffled, blowing his nose daintily.

"Don't make me kill you," Harry said simply.

"Threats, idle threats," Ron grinned. "Well, you went to see Lupin, I tried to make out with Hermione, Lupin brought you to the hospital wing, said you fainted in the Room of Requirement. You really gotta stop doing that, mate, you're acting like a girl."

Harry stared, wide-eyed. "What was that about you and Hermione?"

Ron looked shifty. "Uh…I said…Hermione and I…played 'shout'…new game…very interesting…kinda like chess but not…"

"Ahh…" Harry nodded, deciding blissful unawareness was better then picturing Ron trying to make out with Hermione. "So, wait a minute…was it a dream or wasn't it? Cause Percydude's getting a lot of abuse over this…" I made Harry say, because I am God.

"Ugh, the omnipotent author's got to you too, eh?" Ron nodded.

Harry ignored this.

"I was in the forest, and there were drug fairies, and water mirrors, and gold tickets, and whistles-"

"WHISTLES!" Ron cringed.


"LEAVE ME ALONE!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Invisible elf again?" Harry asked.

"You are correct sir," Ron replied.

"HARRY! YOU'RE ALIVE!" Dean, as exuberant as ever, bounded into the dorm. He was followed by the rest of the roommates who, for some odd reason, were wearing marching band uniforms.

"Dean, he was talking in his sleep last night, you KNEW he was alive," Ron said, rolling his eyes and slowly reaching for the Taser gun he found on the bottom of his Corn Flakes box…just in case…

"I can't believe I was passed out for that long," Harry marveled, the shock evident on his face.

"You've had worse," Ron replied.

"Shizzit, you's be faintin' all up in dis biatch. Dats whack, brotha," Neville pointed out, tucking one end of his robes into his boxers.

"The fact that I pass out a lot has been well established. Can we move on?" Harry asked, trying to maintain his indifference and failing miserably.

"I dreamed Death Eaters were singing Disney songs…" Seamus stated, eyes wide in horror. Unbeknownst to Seamus, he had been walking around the school with the imprint of a "G" on his forehead all morning.

"Oh Seamus. Where do you come up with this stuff?" Harry shook his head. "Although I did have a dream about Draco with ginger hair..."

Ron gave him a squinty-eyed look.

"No, Ron, this is NOT a slash fic," Harry rolled his eyes heavenward.

"Thank god. You wouldn't believe how many Lupin/Sirius lovers there are out there," Ron shivered.

...Meanwhile, in Lupin's Office...

"There is no friggin WAY I'm doing it with a corpse!" Lupin argued, hands on his hips. "Besides, apparently I'm with Tonks now…"

He's no fun.

...And back with the Gryffs...

"These time shifts hurt my head," Ron complained, earning looks of confusion from the other kids.

"Anyway, what happened? All we've been told is you were found piss drunk in the Room of Requirement wearing nothing but ballet slippers and a 'Vote for Pedro' t-shirt," Seamus explained, sitting on the end of Harry's bed.

"Damn those rumor mongers twisting stories for their own amusement!" Ron said indignantly.

"Ron, YOU'RE the one who told us that," Seamus replied.

"Don't make me knock you out, Finnigan," Ron glared, his hand tightening on the Taser.

Harry, calling on his amazing powers of indifference, heard nothing of this conversation, and only began speaking once his brain registered a break in the conversation. "Lupin asked me to go meet him in the Room of Requirement, and when I got there he was in this giant forest. So after following a dark and dangerous-looking path I met up with these fairies and saw my face in water…and there were creepy children…oh Jesus, just read Chapter 14," Harry finished, rather flustered.


"-eep dog," Ron interrupted.

"-dawg, y'all one big ball of crazy," Neville commented from his seat on the window sill.

"…have you been overdosing on Tylenol again, Harry?" Dean asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

"I'm probably the only student in this school who isn't crazy or on drugs," Harry pointed out. They all had to agree, albeit reluctantly.

"Who poos in the horse 'neath the carrot tree, it's Sexual Harassment lampshade ," Ron suddenly recited, nearly losing his lunch with the force of his laughter. "CARROTS DON'T GROW ON TREES!"

"Ron! We're discussing important business and you're doing MAD LIBS?" Harry said angrily, crossing his arms over his chest.

"THE LAMPSHADE SEXUALLY HARASSES PEOPLE!" Ron choked out through his laughter, rolling face-first on Harry's bedspread.

After hitting Ron with spoons for a while, they were finally able to get him back to what would be considered normal for Ron.

"Does anyone else realize that we don't go to classes anymore?" Harry inquired, putting his hitting spoon back in his nightstand.

"Be realistic Harry! If we went to class every day instead of play with Mad Libs and go on drug-induced adventures in forests, this would be a pretty boring story," Ron explained.

"Story?" Seamus asked.

"IT WASN'T DRUG-INDUCED! IT REALLY HAPPENED!" Harry cried, defensively.

"Suuuure it was," Ron and Seamus said together.

"I personally think it was booze," Dean piped up.

"Germans," Harry said simply.


"I love doing that," Harry smiled.

"You're mean," Seamus pointed out.

"As God as my witness, I'm going to figure out a way to prove the forest adventure actually happened!"

Little did Harry know God couldn't POSSIBLY be his witness, for he was busy playing bejeweled at the time.

"Anyway, since we've already gotten to beat Ron with spoons, we're gonna go wander around aimlessly," Seamus announced, getting to his feet and walking towards the door.

"Screw dat, I's gon' stand in dark corners lookin' all scary an' shizzit," Neville explained, following Seamus out and closing the door behind him.

"So this dream. Or…hallucination…Whatever it was. Could it possibly be significant in some way?" Harry asked, swinging his legs over the side of his bed and standing up.

"How am I supposed to know? I'm the pretty one. We should go ask Lupin. If he was introduced into the story he MUST have some purpose," Ron replied, standing as well and waiting for Harry to get dressed.

-Insert screeches from R/H shippers-

"Good idea. Since we obviously don't have classes anymore, let's go ask him right now."

"Excellent. I want to try out this new shield I bought," Ron said, dragging a huge, gold shield out from under his bed.

"Where the HELL did you get that?" Harry asked, pulling on socks to cover up his extremely sexy big toe. One must not flaunt these things, you know. I rhymed.

"I don't know, the shield store? Who cares! IT'S A BIG FRIGGIN SHIELD!" Ron cried happily. "The only problem is it's, like, 200 pounds."

"Well just hurry up. We've got to get to Lupin before this part of the chapter gets boring," Harry said, rushing toward the door after pulling on his robes.

"Psh, it got boring a LONG time ago," Ron stated, dragging the shield behind him.

And so the boy wonder and his trusty sidekick went on a perilous journey to Professor Lupin's office, overcoming many obstacles such as paper cuts and Harry's many stalkers.

Ron managed to take out half a dozen of the insane fans with his 200 pound gold shield of DOOM, but they were only able to slip away after Harry threw yet another pair of underwear at the crowd. How Harry took off his underwear without removing his pants, we'll never know. Watch Zoolander and you might be able to figure it out.

The two boys slowly approached the door to Lupin's office, Ron securing the perimeter with freshly-bought caution tape as Harry knocked on the door.

Lupin pulled the door open before Harry even had a chance to pull back his fist. "I SWEAR I DIDN'T STEAL THAT CORSET!"


"Oh, it's just you two. I was wondering when you'd come down to annoy me again," said Lupin, opening the door a little wider and retreating back to his desk.

"Sorry to bother you," Harry began.

"No you're not," Lupin interrupted.

Harry ignored this.

"But I'm trying to prove to everyone that I didn't have a drug-induced hallucination yesterday," Harry finished, waiting for Lupin to back up his story.

"Harry, I know your godfather died, but that's no reason to do drugs," Lupin explained patiently.

"I'm NOT on drugs! That's the point!"

"The first step to recovery is acceptance," Lupin continued.

"I'M NOT ON DRUGS!" Harry yelled.

"Then why are you here?" Lupin asked. "You know I can't stand teenager smell!"

"I'm just trying to figure out if it was a dream or not!" Harry said impatiently, stamping his foot like a petulant child.

"How am I supposed to know! I only saw you go into that hedge and disappear! I was standing in that clearing for four hours waiting for you to come back. I don't even LIKE nature!" Lupin complained.

"But you're a werewolf…" Ron said, a brow raised.

"SO? Just because I'm part wolf doesn't mean I like trees and dirt and icky bugs!" Lupin replied.

"Then how did you get me back to the hospital wing?" Harry asked.

"Well, all of a sudden the ground lurched and everything went black. When I could finally see again the trees were gone and there you were, lying in the middle of the clearing unconscious," Lupin shrugged. "You have to stop fainting Harry, it's becoming a regular occurrence with you."

"That's what I said," Ron nodded.

"You said regular occurrence?" Lupin asked, shocked that Ron knew big words.

"Can we get back to ME please? Does NOBODY understand that I'm fricken HARRY POTTER!"

"He's right! He is Harry Potter!" Lupin exclaimed.

Sound of demon fly buzzing.

"OH GOD! OH GOD!" Lupin sobbed, taking refuge under his desk.

"…I guess that's our cue to leave," Ron said, ushering Harry out the door.

"What about your shield?" Harry asked.

"He needs it more than I do," Ron replied, shutting the office door behind them.

"You're just too lazy to haul it back to the common room, aren't you?" Harry laughed.

"Yes. Yes I am."

After their conversation with Lupin, Harry and Ron wandered the halls, trying to make sense of all the odd happenings lately.

…that or they were just bored and had run out of paper clips to flick at unsuspecting first years…

"So Lupin was completely useless, as usual," Harry commented as the boys passed yet another suit of armor.

"You'd think he'd have some purpose if we continually find the need to talk to him about stuff," Ron pointed out.

"Potter! Weasley! What are you doing wandering the halls during class time?" Professor McGonagall startled them, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

"But…we thought there were no more classes!" Harry cried, shocked.

"Potter, just because you and Mr. Weasley refuse to acknowledge the fact that you have classes does NOT mean there are none. This isn't bad fanfiction!"

"That's your opinion," Ron muttered.

"But I'm the main character!" Harry whined.

"Well if you don't get back in class this minor character is going to throw your as-"

"-paragus," Ron interrupted.

"-right out of this school!" And with that she turned on a heel and disappeared. Literally.

"How did she do that?" Ron asked wonderingly.

"She obviously doesn't understand the 'world revolves around main character' rule," Harry grumbled. "C'mon Ron, we better get to class."

"Seriously, she just disappeared!"

"Ahh Potter, Weasley, nice of you to join us," McGonagall announced, as the two boys entered the classroom.

"I don't think she means that," Ron whispered to Harry as they took seats beside Hermione, which happened to be empty…probably due to the recent increase in vampire attacks in the last month. Count Chocula was pretty pissed that she had taken over his turf.

"Where have you two been?" Hermione asked in hushed tones.

"NOBODY TOLD US WE STILL HAD CLASSES!" Harry shouted angrily.

"We had quite enough of your angry outbursts last year, Mr. Potter. Now do stop being an attention whore and let us get back to our lesson," McGonagall glared in his direction, all glarey-like.

And so Harry, now thoroughly chastised, promptly shut up and went back to being indifferent. Such is the beauty of teenagers…and the joys of cola.

"Now, as we were discussing before the interruption-"

"That's us," Ron clarified.

"-tuxedo mask is a mysterious man in a tuxedo and mask who shows up at random moments to save the Sailor Scouts from the forces of evil with his baton of manliness," McGonagall explained.

Harry was perplexed by this topic of discussion.

"Buy why does it take only one man to do what five women could not?" Hermione seethed, breaking off the tip of her quill…in Seamus's side.


"Oh come now, Hermione. Everyone knows men rule the world," Ron rolled his eyes, picking an old piece of gum off the bottom of his desk and popping it in his mouth.

"He is our future," Harry said proudly, patting the top of Ron's head.

At this point Hermione probably would've killed herself if she weren't already undead.

"I have a question, Professor," Lavender announced, a hand raised above her head.

McGonagall looked completely and utterly perplexed. "You…can speak?"

"Right. Anyway, I was wondering if we could see Ron's baton of manliness," she giggled, as did the rest of the girls in the class…except Hermione…and Malfoy…cause he wasn't in this class.

"Miss. Brown, that was very inappropriate! There is no room for sexual innuendo in this classroom!"

"Will I ever belong?" Sexu Alin Nuendo cried, packing up his things and shuffling out of the room.

"Much better, now I have room for my bobble heads," the Professor smiled with satisfaction, placing a Big Bird bobble head on the empty desk.

"Tinguzzi Floogoogle!" Lihrakzarnoggin cried, jumping up from her chair excitedly.

The class went completely and totally silent, staring at her with wide eyes.

She cleared her throat and adjusted a knob on her giant silver necklace. "I mean…I GOT IT! I GOT IT!"

"You got what?" Harry asked.

"THE LAST GOLDEN TICKET!" She announced, holding it above her head triumphantly.

The class burst into excited chatter, crowding around the green-skinned girl.

"I was looking around in my bag for my flesh-eati-…errr…for my…candies…" she began, looking very shifty.

"OMG I LOVE flesh candies," Ron interrupted.

Collective silence, wide-eyed staring, etcetera etcetera.

"…but I found this instead!" Lihrakzarnoggin finished, making a series of odd high-pitched noises that made Professor McGonagall rapidly change in and out of her feline form.

"So, all of the golden tickets have been found! We can finally get to the good stuff!" Harry exclaimed as the crowd lifted him into the air and carried him out of the room, cheering.

"Can someone carry me to the hospital wing?" Seamus moaned from his position on the floor, Hermione's quill thoroughly imbedded in his side.

"So Ron, you're the sun," Harry explained.


"…right. And I'm the moon," Harry continued.

"Hehe, moon," Ron giggled.

"Okay, scratch that. I'm the earth." Harry began to walk around Ron in a circle, stopping when he reached his original position. "I revolve around you. Everything does."

"FINALLY! The sidekick gets some recognition!"

"No Ron, I'm the earth"

"I thought you were Harry?"

"Nevermind, I give up"

"Well that was quick."

"What on earth are you two doing?" Hermione asked, having walked in unnoticed during Ron's evil laughter.

"I'm trying to teach Ron the basic laws of the universe," Harry explained.

"I'm shiny."

"Well if you two are done being stupid…"

"Never," Ron interrupted.

"…I'm going to do giant amounts of homework," Hermione finished, sitting at one of the scarlet tables scattered around the common room and pulling out her books.

"How does she fit all that in there?" Harry asked Ron, watching as Hermione began piling books on the floor, as she had already filled every available space on the tabletop.

"She's like Santa," Ron commented, hoping to find toys as he reached towards it but getting a sharp slap from Hermione instead.

"Don't touch the bag," she growled, baring her corked fangs.

"Hermione, there IS a such thing as TOO much work," Ron pointed out.

Hermione glared back at him. "At least I don't take pointless classes, like that cutting and pasting class you signed up for!"

Earlier that day, in Cutting and Pasting 101…

"Okay students, now you're going to take your safety scissors and cut out the shape of a st-…RONALD WEASLEY! How many times have I told you? Stop eating your paste!"

A very guilty looking Ron sat in the corner, a ring of glue outlining his mouth. "I gun gnow wha you thlak bout," he answered back, shiftily.

Back in the common room, present time…

Ron brought a finger to his lips, licking it. "Mmmm, that's gooood paste."


"C'mon Hermione, we're bored and watching you is making us even more bored," Harry whined, dropping to the floor and rolling around.

"FINE!" Hermione snapped, pushing her chair back violently and standing up. "I'm going to the kitchens to visit the elves before you two come up with another clever plan to get us killed…"

"Too late," Ron interrupted, pulling out the poison darts.

"You didn't let me finish my line!" Hermione screeched indignantly, turning on a heel and exiting the common room through the portrait hole.

"I'll save these for later," Ron said, pocketing the darts.

"So we're following her, right?" Harry asked, still rolling.

"Yeah, but you should put some shoes on first," Ron said, motioning towards Harry's socked feet.

"BRILLIANT PLAN, WATSON!" Harry exclaimed, jumping to his feet and running towards the boy's staircase with a fist extended, all superhero-esque-ish.

"Ron, I don't think I can go through with this," Harry whispered, staring at the opposite wall somberly.

Usually he and Ron would go through their daily dinner preparations…which consisted of Ron showering himself in cologne (he thought it would make Hermione think he was growned-up) and Harry mussing his hair until he believed he was sexy enough to be seen in public…at this time. Like father like son.

However, this evening Harry had been sitting on the edge of his bed with his sneakers in his lap through all of Ron's preparation, not even touching his hair. Something had to be horribly wrong.

"Why not? Just do what I do. Rabbit goes around the tree, in the rabbit hole…wait…or is it around the rabbit hole and into the tree? Oh damn…" Ron sighed.

"No Ron, that's not it. Although I often wonder about that damn rabbit," Harry paused and thought, and thought and paused. Then he continued, after all this pausing and thinking. "I don't think I can go to the factory."

"Are you mad?" Ron began. "I am your daughter."

"Excuse me?" Harry raised a brow.

"Nothing. So why can't you go?"

"It's a long, painful story. I can't really go into it," Harry said, mysteriously.

"Okay," Ron shrugged, reaching for his mad libs.

"Damn it Ron, you're always guilt tripping me!" Harry yelled.

"Wha-? I didn't say anything!" Ron replied, eyes wide. That rhymed.

"FINE! I'LL TELL YOU! Sheesh, now I know why Seamus hates you."

"Seamus hates me?" Ron asked meekly.

"My story starts when I was around five years old. It was my birthday and I was opening my presents. My parents had bought me trains, and planes, and taxi cabs, but my favorite present was a shiny new chocolate bar…"

"-erm, Harry?" Ron interrupted.

"What Ron? What now?" Harry asked angrily.

"Your parents weren't alive when you were five," Ron pointed out, rhyming as only cool people tend to do.

"Ron, my entire life I've had an evil wizard try to murder me five times, I've had both my parents die when I was too young to even remember…"

At this point Dobby had appeared in the corner of the room, playing the violin.

"…I've lived with three of THE MOST despicable people who've ever lived. I've been beaten, bruised, made fun of, neglected, starved, and isolated. I've had the entire student body think I was going to kill them and have been publicly humiliated more than once. I've been chased by dementors, hated by the entire wizarding world, and the only man who possibly could've made my life outside of Hogwarts better was ripped away from me…TWICE. At LEAST let me have fake childhood memories," Harry finished.

Dobby stopped playing for a moment to sarcastically wipe at his eyes. "Harry Potter's life is horrendous. Dobby would no nothing of servitude, solitary confinement, beatings, and possible death. Dobby only lived with the Malfoys." With that he rolled his eyes and continued on with his music. It's all about atmosphere, people.

"You're right, continue on with your story," Ron answered, holding back tears. Be strong Ron. Be strong.

"Well now I forget where I was," Harry huffed. "Give me a second."

He turned toward his bed, lifting the mattress and sliding his hello kitty diary out from under it. He then fished his tiny key out of his pocket and opened the tiny diary lock with it.

"Alright, I know I wrote it in here somewhere. It was…June…no July obviously…somewhere around here…" Harry muttered to himself, flipping through the pink pages. "Aha!" he exclaimed triumphantly, his finger marking his place in the book.

"Okay here it is. I took a bite of the sweet, sweet chocolate bar, the first chocolate bar I had ever tasted. It was sweet. Everything in the world was sweet in that one moment until I discovered, fifteen minutes later, that I…" Harry stopped, choking up.

"You what?" Ron asked, getting into the story.

"That I…am lactose intolerant," Harry finished.

"No you're NOT! You were eating pudding just yesterday!" Ron exclaimed.

"True," Harry shrugged. "I guess I can go now," he said, closing his book. He locked his diary with his special diary key, shoved it back under his mattress, and motioned for Dobby to stop playing.

"Thanks Dobby. Here have a sock," he chucked a bright pink sock in Dobby's direction and went back to putting on his sneakers. Why Harry has bright pink socks…nobody will ever know.

Dobby caught the sock as it flew toward him, giving Harry a sour look. "Oh, thank you Harry Potter, sir. Harry Potter is oh so kind." Why does this kid keep giving me socks? What happened to the good old days of jell-o shooters and video games? Dobby thought to himself, muttering angrily as he left the room, dragging his violin on the floor behind him.

"Ready?" Harry asked Ron as he checked out his hair once more in the mirror, mussing it a bit more in the back.

"You go down. I'll be there in a second," Ron replied, looking shifty.

"Ron, we don't have time for Mad Libs right now," Harry chastised, already starting for the door.

Little did Harry know Ron was actually going to rummage around his personal effects looking for something to sell on EBay. "Right…Mad Libs…heh heh."

Harry ignored this and made his way down the Boys' staircase and into the common room. What he found there was worse than anything he could ever imagine...

"GINNY!" Harry gasped upon seeing the red-headed firecracker in the arms of a kid he'd never seen before.

Ginny wheeled around at Harry's outburst, a hand to her heart. "HARRY! You scared the bejesus outta me!"

Harry didn't hear a word of this, for he was too busy glaring at the nameless kid who was mackin' on his wumman.

Jealous? Nah.

"So this is the guy you've been dating?" He asked, not taking his death glare off the rather uncomfortable-looking kid for a second.

"Well, no. I was dating Dean, but someone mentioned Germans and he's been locked in a closet all day, so I decided to move on to…er…"

"…Jake," the not-so-nameless kid answered.

"…right. I decided to move on to Jack here. A girl has to keep her options open, ya know," Ginny finished.

"It's Jake," he corrected.


"Does Dean know?" Harry asked, trying to be nonchalant about all of this, even though a BURNING ANGER WAS SEARING HIS FLESH.

"I don't know. And no, Harry, my dating the entire male population of Hogwarts has nothing to do with the fact that I'm trying to make you jealous and forget about you all in one go, so don't even jump to that conclusion," Ginny explained, crossing her arms over her chest stubbornly. "…and why is your skin smoking?"

"Peer pressure," Harry replied.

"Ginny, I've kinda served my purpose in this scene. And I'm pretty sure I'm about to get killed off by the protagonist real soon. Can I go?" Jake asked, scratching the back of his neck nervously.

"Yeah, whatever Jill," Ginny replied offhandedly, motioning toward the portrait hole.

And so Jake was gone, never to be seen again…cause I have too many characters already.

"Ginny, now that you're not running away from me like I have the plague and you're dating other guys, I suddenly find you beautiful, intelligent, funny, and charming," Harry said wistfully, finally realizing that girls may not be as icky as he thought.

"Oh great! I finally think I'm over you and you pull this crap!" Ginny growled, stomping out of the room.

"Well that went well," Harry said sarcastically, staring at the empty portrait hole.

"Hey Harry!" Ron entered the room at exactly the right moment. It's all about the timing.

"I WASN'T HITTING ON YOUR SISTER!" Harry shouted, whirling around to face is surprised-looking best friend.

"I didn't say anyth-"

"MY GOD RON! WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY?" Harry said angrily, stomping his way out of the portrait hole.

If Ron wasn't too busy staring at the Bookmice that had swarmed around Hermione's forgotten books he would've been very suspicious about that conversation.

"So the carrot says to the radioactive marshmallow…that's not a chalkboard, that's my mother!" Ron slapped his knee after his punch line, looking around the kitchens for signs of amusement and/or slight tolerance.

To his dismay, the house elves not so much as tittered at his joke, as they were too busy trying to shove various food-like articles into/onto various part-like body parts belonging to himself, Harry, and Elroy…sike…and Hermione.

"You know, it's utterly impossible to converse with these creatures whilst they're shoving grapes up your nose," Harry observed, batting one away.

"They're only trying to be friendly," said Elro-…errr…Hermione.

"That or they're trying to suffocate us with food," Ron replied, still sour that his joke bombed.

"Harry Potter, sir!" An incredibly high-pitched squeak of a voice sounded out amongst the murmurs of the other house-elves, catching Harry's attention.

"Hi Winky! I see you've been able to steer clear of Hermione's many clothing articles," Harry pointed out, noting the same old dirty tea towel draped around her small frame.

"Winky no longer works at Hogwarts, Harry Potter. Winky is somewhere where she can better herself. Winky is someplace far away…"

Someplace far away…

"I is Winky and I is an alcoholic," Winky exclaimed, standing on fourteen phone books behind a podium.

"Hi, Winky," the crowd chorused.

"I is believing Winky's problem stems from Winky's horrible disease, TBG."

"Gollum and Sméagol hassss TBG asss well," Gollum/Sméagol exclaimed excitedly from the crowd.

"Me a'swell!" Hagrid's thunderous voice boomed over the audience.

Well it seems like we've come to a conclusion here…all fictional, alcoholic, minor literary characters have TBG- Terribly Bad Grammar.

Now where were we…

"So why are you here then?" Harry asked while having a cupcake mashed in his eye.

"Winky is visiting old friends, Harry Potter, sir. Winky is showing them she is feeling better," Winky explained, looking up at Harry with those huge brown eyes of hers.

"Good for you, Winky! You stand up for your right to be sane!" Hermione nodded in approval, her eyes shining with tears.

"Harry Potter, sir. I is not being disrespectful, but the bushy-haired girl is scaring Winky," Winky cowered. She'd always had an irrational fear of Hermione.

"Don't be afraid! I just want you to be happy!" Hermione cried.

Okay so maybe it wasn't so irrational.

"Don't worry Winky, we're leaving," Harry announced, grabbing Hermione by the elbow and dragging her toward the door.

"BUT THE ELVES! THE ELVES! THEY NEED MY HELP! THEY'RE BEING OPRESSED! HELP! HELP! THEY'RE BEING OPRESSED!" Hermione struggled against Harry's hold, trying to get back to her beloved house-elves.

"Bye Winky! It was nice to see you again!" Harry called over his shoulder.

"Harry Potter, sir, you forgot your Wheezy!" Winky squeaked, motioning towards Ron who was stuffing his pockets full of mashed potatoes.

"Snitch!" Ron grumbled, following Harry out the door.

...And now for yet ANOTHER random Ron/Hermione moment...

"I love you!"

"No, I love YOU"

"No, I love YOU!"

"I love you more!"

"No, I love you more!"

-When we return: Lies, deceit, and a very large possibility of apple pie…-

"Soap operas are getting crappier and crappier," Ron commented, sticking his hand in the bowl of popcorn he and Hermione were sharing.

"Yeah, the dialogue could probably be better," she agreed, picking up the remote control and changing the channel.

...And now back to our regularly scheduled program...

That evening the Gryffindor kids sat in the Great Hall at the "cool" table, talking about sports and cheerleading and what righteous party they were going to attend this weekend.

Stupid elitist bas-

"-s," Ron interrupted. That wasn't very creative, Weasley.

"You write my lines," Ron replied.

"He's so cute I don't even mind it when he talks to himself," Lavender pointed out, her head resting on a very uncomfortable-looking Ron's shoulder. "Hey Hermione, I haven't seen Crookshanks around lately. Where's he been?"

"Vampires eat cats," said Harry simply.

"And stupid people," Hermione glared at the girl, causing her to lift her head from Ron's shoulder.

"Yo crackas, check out ma blang blang," Neville shuffled over to the table, a box in hand.

"Neville's got a rememberall!" Dean piped up.

"Dat wuz duh firs' movie, foo," Neville corrected.

"Yeah, well it was my only freaking line, just give me this!" Dean twitched once, threatening Neville with a fork. "It's not my fault that random fat guy no one knows got all my lines in the third movie!"

"That's true…who WAS that guy!" Harry asked.

"Dats bull, yo. You gots two in da new one," Neville pointed out.

"Shut up Mr. Tormented-About-My-Insane-Parents-Oooo-Look-At-My-Close-Up-Tears," Dean mocked, suddenly in a very bad mood.

"Whatev dawg," Neville shrugged, lifting the lid off the box.

"What is it?" Seamus asked, peering inside. "Please God don't let it be something flammable."

"Naw, but buss dis, I gots me a fly new pet, since Treva kep' pissin' in mah bed," Neville explained, reaching into the box and pulling out his "fly new pet".

"What the hell is that?" Ron asked, squinting.

"Pirate," Neville said simply.

"Pirate?" Hermione raised a brow.

"Word," said Ghetto Neville. He set the new pet down on the tabletop and sat back, crossing is arms over his chest all ghetto-like.

"AVAST YEE SCURVY KURR!" the tiny pirate bellowed, his voice coming out in a comic chipmunk-esque way.

"Holy crap, I think it's Sir Cadogan!" Ron, eyes wide, moved his face closer to the tiny man.

"Sir Cadogan is a knight, Ron, not a pirate," Hermione corrected.

"Same difference," he shrugged, poking at the pirate.

"ARRR, HANDS OFF TH'DUDS, MATEY!" the pirate squeaked, biting Ron on the tip of his finger.

"OW! Damn it Neville, your pirate bit me!" Ron pouted, sucking on his finger.

"Want me to do that for you?" Hermione stared hungrily, her fangs glinting in the candlelight.

"It's broad daylight, why are these lit?" Seamus promptly blew out the candles.

"Wait, didn't you JUST get a monkey a couple of chapters ago?" Ron inquired, keeping his wounded finger as far away from Hermione as possible.

"Snoop has FOUR PARROTS! FOUR! How can I compete?" Neville cried, his eyes wet with tears, so distraught he forgot about being ghetto-fied.

"It's okay Neville," Hermione cooed, petting his head soothingly. "I'll bet Snoop doesn't have his very own vampire!"

Neville turned to stare at Hermione in wonder. "Y-you would b-be my very own v-vampire g-groupie biznitch?" He wiped at the tears now spilling down his cheeks.

"Of course I will. Providing you allow me to feast on your blood…" Hermione was all business now, a fierce glint in her eyes.

Oo -Neville's face.

"I'll…get back to you on that," he said quickly scooping up his pirate and making a mad rush for the door.

"CALL ME!" Hermione called out, looking crestfallen. "They always run," she sighed, tracing circles on the tabletop with a fingertip.

"Well, time for me to be hittin' the ol' dusty trail," Harry announced, getting up from the table and taking a little bow. "Let's just hope I don't get stopped on the way by a mysterious shadowy figure."

Little did Harry know he was about to be stopped by a mysterious shadowy figure.

As Harry entered the conveniently deserted main entrance a mysterious shadowy voice sounded from a mysterious shadowy corner of the mysterious shadowy antechamber. "Harry Potter."

Harry wheeled around, looking for the source of the voice. "Who's there? If that's you Brad Pitt, I've had just about enough of your love letters."

"Listen closely, Potter. I'm going to make you an offer you cannot refuse."


Oh Spongebob.

Sooooooooo…there it is. I'm waaay too lazy to edit or anything so excuse any mistakes XD

And I don't think I used anyone else's stuff in this one…although this seems odd to me so I probably did. Thank you everyone I stole stuff from. Lol. I'll re-read later and write any acknowledgments.

OH! I found one. Family Guy reference! Yay! "Bout time ...blahblah...dusty trail" ...not the blah blah part, but you get the picture.

I shall also write review responses later. My god, can I get any lazier today? Screw it, this chapter took me forever, I deserve some rest.

Random guy in back: AFTER TAKING 2 YEARS OFF.

STFU random guy.

PS: I changed an important yet tiny detail in Chapter 7 ...first person to guess what it is gets a cherry tree.