Title - Elves, Hobbits, & Mary-Sues, Oh My

Author - Paige Darke

Rating - PG-13

Disclaimer - Not mine. I don't even particularly want them. Too much stress.

Distribution - Ask, and ye shall receive. Really, I'm flattered.

Summary - A teenage girl is dropped into Middle-Earth. She finds herself the prisoner of a pair of Mary-Sues, with a complete lack of modern conveniences, reading material in ENGLISH, and everything she knows. And she most DEFINITELY does NOT want to be there.

Let's get one thing straight, before I start my tale.

I didn't want any of this. Yeah, so I'm a Lord of the Rings fangirl. Sue me. I'm in extensive company. But, unlike most, I've read the books. I know what happened.

Also, I know about the lack of modern conveniences.

Gah.

~*~

First thought - FUCK, my head is killing me.

Second thought - FUCK, I'm late for work. Ray's gonna have my ass in a sling.

Then I opened my eyes.

Third thought, rational and not the least bit hysterical - Did I sleepwalk into the woods or something?

"Oh, look who's awake," purred a voice, sweet as honey, smooth as silk, musical like the softest summer breeze through fresh green leaves, from next to my ear.

Fourth thought, not the least bit rational, and very hysterical - Who is that, and where the fuck am I?

Well, I had to give her - she WAS pretty. Too pretty. Nobody looks like that naturally. Her long, red curls had been carefully arranged over the shoulders of her white tunic. She had large green eyes and very fair skin, unmarked with the slightest blemish. You know, a lot of fair-skinned redheads have freckles. She didn'' have a one.

"Oh, how fortunate," cooed another voice, much like the first. She was blonde, with blue eyes and fair skin.

"Welcome to Middle-Earth," Red sneered, smiling viciously.

I could feel my eyes go wide.

Oh, no.

Oh, FUCK.

No. Way.

~*~

Yes, way.

I was looking at myself in a pool of water.

That? Definitely not me. Definitely.

Well, I DO have hair, but that's about the only similiarity. It's not that freaking long, and it's brown, with blonde highlights. This was pure black. Not normal black, the kind that looks blue-ish in some lights, black-black. I'm also tall, but taller than this. I do have blue eyes, but not THAT blue. And I am definitely NOT slender. Willowy.

(My God, save me. I'm a Mary Sue.)

I touched the long black hair, which was now past my waist, and was gonna be such a pain in the ass when we started to travel. I looked at my big blue eyes, and wrinkled up my nose. I looked like a covergirl, or something. This isn't me.

It can't be.

~*~

Nope, definitely me.

Ow.

~*~

Jumping into shallow pool of water? Very stupid.

Don't attempt this at home, folks.

Red and Blondie were dragging me to - you guessed it - The Council of Elrond. In Rivendell.

Plus side? Elves. I like Elves.

Minus side? Mary-Sues. I don't like Mary-Sues.

I did, however, like my clothes. I had my steel-toed boots, which I don't leave home without, a long black tunic, leggings, and hooded cloak. I had the cloak hood pulled up. What? You think I wanted to be seen with Perfect and Perfecter?

OK, their names are Leilani and Mitanna.

Or so they said.

Yeah, right.

~*~

Rivendell is a very pretty place. The way it looks in the movies and the way Tolkein describes it in the books..no justice at all. It's gorgeous.

And there was lots and lots of eye candy.

Have I mentioned I like Elves? Oh, yes. Elves are very pretty.

We entered through the arched gates and were immediatlely approached by a pair of dark-haired, grey-eyed Elves who looked exactly alike, and their beautiful, golden-haired companion.

OK, so the sons of Elrond, and maybe that's..Glorfindel?

Wow, Tolkein was right. He is beautiful.

Leilanni leaned over to whisper to Mitanna. "Who are they? Where's Elrond?"

I smirked.

This was gonna be good.

~*~

"Halt!" called one of the twins -

Which one? What do you mean, which one? Didn't I tell you they looked exactly alike?

I thought so. Now shut up and let me finish.

Mary-Sue #'s 1 and 2 froze. I leaned up against the wall and yawned. Damn, but I was tired.

"What is your business in Imladris?" Demanded the other twin.

The two twits exchanged confused glances. Great, just great. They didn't even know what Imladris was.

It would have been great watching them humilate themselves, but if they got their asses kicked, I probably would've too.

"We are but weary travelers, my Lord, traveling here on a quest of the gravest importance," I told him, pressing a hand over my heart and bowing.

Take that, Mrs. Johns. And you said I had no grasp of the language.

They still looked a little wary of us. "What is this quest you speak of?" asked the really pretty blonde.

"I fear it can only be spoken of with one of your number, whom are fathers bade us go to. Know you of Lord Elrond?"

Take that, Mr. Pavinski. And you said I couldn't act. That's what you get for not letting me be Juliet.

The twins exchanged a look. I bet Dumb and Dumber still didn't know who they were.

Of course not. The twin sons of Elrond aren't even MENTIONED in the movies.

"How do you know of our father?" one of them asked.

"Our fathers sent us, saying that our skills were needed. We can speak of it only to him, as are our orders."

"You speak as though you're a warrior," the other one said.

I shrugged, and leaned up against the wall. I was getting sick of this. "Hey, what you see is what you get."

They stared blankly.

I sighed. "We need to talk to your father. Please?"

~*~

I don't think the cuties liked me.

Pity. They were studly.

~*~

Well, we got in to see their dad. Ooh, Elrond pretty too.

Yum.

~*~