Title: My Baby's Daddy
Author: Mrs Muir
Rating: R (for strong language and sexual content)
Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN, Fox, The WB, Mutant Enemy and anyone else that has legal claim to it.
Author's Note: This fic is a parody and is not meant to be taken as a serious piece of literature. So, please read with a sense of humor. 'The Bob Anderson Show' is a work of fiction and if there is an actually a show somewhere with that title and a host with that name it is purely coincidental.
THE FIRST VISIT ON 'THE BOB ANDERSON SHOW'
The bright lights were blinding Buffy and making her flushed. Nervously, she played with the hem of her skirt and wondered what being on 'The Bob Anderson Show' had to do with her surprise. Riley had promised her a huge one for their one-year-anniversary of being together. They were in Los Angeles for the weekend to celebrate and when the limousine had shown up, Buffy had thought they were on their way to a really romantic dinner. Instead, she was here on stage with Bob Anderson facing an audience that she couldn't really see because of those lights. She wondered if her make up was all right and then heard Bob addressing her. Casting deer-caught-in-the-headlights eyes to him she waited for him to explain her visit.
"Buffy, you have been dating Riley for the past year, correct?" Bob asked.
"Yes, I have," Buffy answered, wishing she had a glass of water.
"And together you have beautiful baby girl, Lisa Joyce," Bob stated, pointing behind them.
Buffy turned and couldn't help but smile at the picture of her baby. She had been a total surprise especially since she had gotten pregnant the first night she and Riley had made love. But Lisa was a joy to her and Buffy hadn't regretted one moment of her existence. She felt fingers on her knee and she turned back to Bob and every Slayer instinct in her suddenly screamed at the elation she saw in the host's eyes.
"Your boyfriend, Riley, called us and asked that you be brought here. He'll explain," Bob said, standing and waving his arm. "Everybody please welcome Riley to the show."
Riley came bounding out, waving his arms in a really embarrassing way, flashing smiles for everyone before he settled next to Buffy on the small couch.
"Riley, why don't you explain to everyone why you have brought your girlfriend to the show?" Bob asked, congenially.
It was going to be quite easy to kill him Buffy thought as she watched him dramatically lean forward, his hands dangling between his knees. He turned to look at her and she blinked at the slight twist of cruelty she saw in the depths of his eyes. It wasn't the first time she had seen it but she had ignored it. Riley was the all American, corn fed Iowa boy. The normal guy who was supposed to make all her dreams come true but at the moment he was turning their dream into a nightmare.
"Buffy, I love you and we've had a great year together, even though you won't lean on me like a helpless female should and tell me every five seconds how much you love me. And I love Lisa, too, from the moment she was born. But something isn't right. She doesn't look like me and…and I asked Bob here to do a DNA test to see if I'm the father."
"You what," Buffy shouted. "How could you? Who the hell else could have fathered her?"
"Calm down, Buffy," Bob said, holding onto her arm before she physically attacked Riley who was now backing into the corner of the couch. "Wasn't it true you had a one night stand shortly before you and Riley got together?"
"Parker?" Buffy screamed. "You think Parker is Lisa's father? You idiot. It was a one night stand at the wrong time of the month and unlike you the weasel used rubbers."
Security hit the stage to hold Buffy back but she took one look at them and realized what a fool she was making of herself. She settled back on the couch. The big coward hiding behind a security guard that was smaller than him would be proven the fool once the results were in. She refused to look at her boyfriend as he settled on the new couch brought in.
Bob smiled at her again and Buffy could see that she was giving him exactly the kind of show he wanted. She smiled back and crossed her arms and legs and let her foot tell exactly how irritated she really was as it rocked back and forth.
"Everybody calm now?" Bob asked, waited until he had received nods from both of them then stood. "Parker, come on out."
The camera zoomed in to catch the gasp as Buffy turned to see her one really foolish mistake come bounding down onto the stage. Murder was becoming more and more of an acceptable method of dealing with Riley as he shook hands with Parker and they made some inappropriate comments on Buffy and sex. She was fuming and knew that she was going home alone. There was no way Riley was going to be anywhere in her life when this was over.
"Parker, how do you feel about being called down here to see if you are the father of Buffy's baby?" Bob asked.
"Yeah, I spent the night with her. I'm not going to deny it and she's really great in the sack, but hey, it was only one night," Parker said, smirking. "And she was right we did use rubbers. So, I don't really think I am the father. But Riley does have cause for concern cuz if she did it once, well….
"Shut up," Buffy shouted. "How dare you sit up here like some stupid bloody ponce and try to make me look bad? You Mr. Can't Even Tell the Truth to get girls into your bed."
"Sweetheart," Riley said looking her over slowly, "I don't think he needs to try to make you look bad. The way you're acting you're making the girls from my hometown look like they have city class."
"You are so de…going to get it, Riley," Buffy muttered.
"Already did and apparently so did someone else," Riley retorted.
It was a disgusting display as Buffy watched the man of her dreams high five it with the man of her nightmares. All she wanted to do was cry and go home. How could this happen to her? She was the Slayer, a college student, a mother and up to two hours ago, she was in a happy committed relationship. She pinched herself to see if it was a dream but it wasn't. How much worse could it get?
"Well, is everybody ready to get the results and see who the father of baby Lisa is?" Bob asked.
Bob dramatically flourished the envelope holding the results and Buffy wanted to snatch it from his hands. How dare they make a mockery of something as sacred as the father of her baby? Lisa was the most precious baby in the whole world and neither one of the asses sitting next to her deserved to be the child's father.
The envelope was opened and Bob paused for a moment before looking up at them. There was a hint of a smirk on his face.
"Parker," Bob announced, "You are NOT the father."
"Yes, I knew it," Parker screamed, jumping up and down. He hugged Riley quickly, shot Buffy a bird before bounding off stage still screaming. The camera followed him as he hopped his way down the corridor, screaming the whole way until he was out the door.
"See, it is
your baby," Buffy said, pointing at Riley.
"And Riley," Bob started, giving them both a smile before announcing, "You are also NOT the father of baby, Lisa."
"You lying ho," Riley shouted. "Who the hell else have you been with? I should have known. That brat didn't look anything like me."
Buffy jumped up and slugged him before security held her back.
"Do not ever say that my baby is a brat." Buffy screamed, not even caring if she looked like trailer trash at the moment. NO ONE insulted or hurt Lisa while she was alive. "You are the most pitiful excuse for a man that ever existed." She stood over him, dragging security with her, and shook a finger down at him. "Those tests are wrong because I didn't have sex with anyone else. And when I'm proven right I still won't take you back or let you into Lisa's life."
She shook off the hands that tried to hold her back and stomped off the stage but hesitated for a moment at the edge of the stage.
"And by the way your dick is disproportional to the rest of your body and you're lousy in bed. I faked it every single time."
THE SECOND VISIT TO 'THE BOB ANDERSON SHOW'
Three Months Later
It had been the most horrible experience of her life but Buffy had faced it with as much dignity as she could. She was now living back home and trying to rebuild her life without Riley. It wasn't as hard as she thought it would be and having her baby to herself was actually a joy. The only drawback was the mystery of her conception because she was sticking to her story that she hadn't had sex with anyone else. The Scoobies had spent time researching it but after finding out that Lisa was human and had a soul Buffy told them to drop it. Whatever had happened was a miracle and she wasn't going to question it.
But a phone call had changed it. Someone was claiming to be Lisa's father and she had been invited back to the show to find out if it was true or not. They wouldn't reveal the man's identity unless she went so here she was back on that blasted stage going through humiliation again. She hadn't wanted to come but everyone else wanted her to. Especially her mother and Giles, it had to be parental shame that she was an unwed mother and they wanted the chance to clear her name and theirs.
Bob was going through his spiel and showing clips from her last visit. Buffy winced when she saw how she had acted but she rationalized that she had been blindsided by someone she thought she had loved and could be excused for looking like she didn't have any couth at all.
"So, Buffy are you still claiming that you didn't have sexual relations with anyone besides Riley and Parker?" Bob asked.
She squirmed in her chair and sat up straighter. Flashing a smile she nodded, "That's right, no one else."
"Well, we got a phone call from a gentleman who saw the show and he says there is a possibility he might be the father."
"I'd like to see who this mystery man is, Bob, because unless I blacked out, I didn't sleep with anyone else."
Bob gave her one of those looks that made her feel like her IQ had dropped and stood.
"Everyone please welcome Angel to the show."
"Angel," Buffy yelped and turned to watch her ex-boyfriend creep his way onto the stage.
Angel nervously looked around before sitting on the couch next to Buffy. She was staring at him like he was crazy. There was no way that Lisa could be his. There was no way they had sex. Living in Los Angles and working with Cordelia had pushed him around the bend.
"Are you nuts?" Buffy hissed. "We only had sex once and that was two years before Lisa was conceived. How dare you embarrass me like this?"
"Buffy," Angel said, glancing at Bob who gave him the go ahead to explain.
The host had scooted forward obviously enjoying this farce that was being played out. Angel took her hand and stared at her with this pained expression.
"Remember after Thanksgiving and you came to LA to see me?"
She nodded still now following.
"And remember that demon I killed?"
She nodded again.
"Well, you made a comment about me knowing how to kill it and I kind of blew you off. I knew how to kill it because I had killed it before. Things aren't how you remember it. "
He stopped and took a deep breath as Buffy squeezed his hand tighter. This wasn't looking very promising for her.
"The visit went differently than you remember. The first time I killed the demon I was turned human. You and I spent the day and night together. We made love and then I had to make a decision whether to continue to be human and be with you or be a champion. I chose being a champion and the day was erased. But after I saw the show I was thinking that maybe you got pregnant and even though the day was erased maybe the baby wasn't."
"You son of a bitch," Buffy screamed, every intention she had of being classy thrown out the window after hearing Angel's speech. "How dare you? How dare you play with my fucking life like that? How could you spend the day with me and then just decide 'oh well, it's time to be a champion again' and have it erased. It stayed with me. The pain was even worse and it was that pain that made be with that sorry excuse of a man, Riley." She slapped him. "And how dare you be human, have sex with me and not use condoms? What kind of idiot are you?"
Angel jumped up and leaned toward her.
"It wasn't like you were asking me to use them."
"Oh, like I remember anything of that day. Thanks to you; asshole. You could tell me anything and I wouldn't know if it was true or not because you, once again, chose to play God with my heart."
Buffy burst into tears and collapsed onto the couch. This was so much worse than the first time. Angel hadn't even had the decency to come and see her in private. No, he had to take it on national TV and parade their personal business for everyone to see. She was so going to ask Willow to do a spell to wipe these two shows from existence when she got home.
"Buffy," Angel whispered, his arm sliding across her shoulders. "I know it looks bad but, honey, I might be Lisa's father and we can be together."
He had to be joking, right? How could he think she would even consider having a relationship with him when she knew he was capable of just changing things to suit himself? Buffy looked at him, dumbfounded realizing he was serious.
"Well, is he the father?" Buffy snapped, looking back at Bob. "Was my baby conceived from an event I can't remember?"
With a look that said he had better not push the petite blonde anymore, Bob reached behind him and was handed the envelope. He quickly opened it, read it and looked back up at them.
"Angel," Bob said, "you are NOT the father."
Collapsing back into the cushions with relief, Buffy laughed. It wasn't until this moment that she realized that her feelings for Angel were so over. He had been a teenage angst-filled first love but for the adult Buffy he just wasn't enough. She needed someone with brutal honesty and who would stand by her. Spike. She pushed back the traitorous thought aside knowing it could never be.
settles that," Buffy said, standing.
"What the hell do you mean that settles it?" Angel shouted. "Who else have you been fucking?"
"How the hell would I know?" Buffy retorted. "Everybody I'm with does this memory thing so I forget what a lousy lay they are."
"You ungrateful bitch," Angel started, pulling his hand back.
"Wait a minute," Bob said, standing and waving security over. Buffy plopped down on the couch again not wanting to slug another ex-boyfriend on TV. Her mother was going to be so disappointed in her and she felt the tears slide down her face. Never again was she doing this. Angel sat next to her and happy they were cooperating, Bob sat in his chair again.
With a gleeful smug expression, Bob looked at Buffy. "Well, I was waiting by request to find out if Angel was the father or not because we had one more phone call. Someone else claiming to be the father of Lisa but he wanted to exhaust the other possibilities before we called him out."
"Who?" Buffy and Angel both asked at the same time.
"Spike, come on out," Bob announced.
"You had sex with my Childe?" Angel asked, disbelief hovering on his face. "How could you?"
"We didn't have sex exactly and besides I was under this spell that Willow did," Buffy said, watching as the blonde bounced onto the stage. He made his entrance so much better than any of the others and she felt her knees go weak at the sight of the gorgeous blonde.
Spike came over to them and wiggled his way between Buffy and Angel forcing Angel onto the other couch.
"Hello, pet, thought we'd found out once and for all," Spike drawled, his arm now on the back of the couch and his fingers played with her hair.
"We didn't have sex," Buffy reiterated.
"Almost did and Lisa does have blue eyes."
"You should have stayed with him," someone in the audience shouted. "He's sexier than all the others."
Everyone laughed except for Buffy and Angel. He must have been tired of being second best again and Angel stalked off the stage, muttering about seeing to things and punishing wayward children.
"You two ready to find out?" Bob asked.
Buffy only glared while Spike nodded his head.
"Sure am, Bob," the vampire congenially agreed.
Bob went through his routine with the envelope again. He read it over and looked it over.
"Spike, you ARE the father of baby Lisa."
Buffy was stunned but Spike was obviously elated. He jumped up both hands in the air.
"Yes, I am the VAMPIRE. Bagged that Slayer bitch, right and proper," Spike chanted, dancing around the stage. "The Big Bad is back to take his throne. Beat out old Peaches, yes, yes, I am a…" all of a sudden he stopped his silly movements and turned to look at Buffy. "I'm a father."
"Yes, you, the big bad vampire are a father," Buffy whispered, devastated at the news. She now knew exactly when Lisa was conceived. It had happened during the spell and they had been having a heavy make out session in the bathroom. Her pants and panties were around her knees and his penis was so enticingly close to her pussy. But she had been so in love and wanted to wait until their wedding night to actually do it. So, while she was propped up on the sink they had rubbed and gyrated against each other until they came. Those little suckers had to have been swimming for their lives to impregnate her because he had never penetrated her.
"Did you know?" Spike asked.
"No, how could I? Vampires aren't supposed to be able to be fathers."
"Spike," Bob said, interrupting them, "Are you going to step up and take responsibility for this baby?"
Confusion marred his face at the thought of being an actual father. He had just wanted the macho pride of beating out every other man in her life and Buffy burst into tears yet again. This just wasn't right. He was going to be even more underfoot and there was no way she would be able to continue to hide her feelings for him. She took off at a run, ignoring the shouts for her to stay on stage, ignoring the fact that Spike was right behind her. Everything was wrong now and she didn't even fight when arms caught her and she was hauled back against the vampire she hadn't stopped fantasizing about for a year. She collapsed and found herself sitting on the floor, wrapped in those arms that only held her tenderly once and he had to be in a spell to do it.
"Buffy, its okay," Spike said. "I'm going to be there for you and Lisa. I admit I didn't think of anything but being proven that I was her Daddy but I want to be there."
"For her," Buffy wailed, punching him ineffectively in the shoulder. "What about me?"
"Yes, what about her?" Bob asked, standing over them with a cameraman by his side.
"What about you, Luv?" Spike asked, wiping tears from her cheeks. "I thought you hated me."
"Asshole, how could I hate my baby's Daddy? We made her together in Giles' bathroom and I loved you so much and then that stupid spell ended and I still felt the same. But all you were doing was complaining about Buffy taste in your mouth."
"Yeah, right, like you weren't bitching about Spike lips," Spike groused, pushing her to the floor and standing. "Why is it all my fault? You ran off with Soldier boy and gave him my baby."
"His name isn't on the birth certificate." Buffy said, standing to face off with him.
"Oh, that's just bloody great. My baby doesn't even have a father legally."
"What the hell was I supposed to put down, William the Bloody? Occupation, bloodsucker," Buffy shouted.
"You knew," Spike yelled, "All this time who the father was and you pretended with that…that"
"I didn't know until after the first show. When I knew for sure that it wasn't Riley. Hello, vampire, supposed to be unable to father children."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Oh, oh, let me see, let me count all the ways you've lied to me, threatened to kill my friends and your general 'I don't give a fuck' attitude."
"This is the genuine deal, folks," Bob said, smiling into the camera. "Buffy and Spike letting it all out after finding out after three tries who the father of baby Lisa really is."
"Shut up," Buffy and Spike both shouted.
Buffy punched him. For doing this to her, for only caring about Lisa, for getting her pregnant in the first place, for not being the Prince Charming she needed him to be and for never trying to sleep with her since the bathroom incident. The sound of his nose popping was oddly satisfying and she smiled.
"You frickin' bitch," Spike yelped, pushing her against the wall.
It took only one second of their eyes connecting before it happened. Everything had changed and they couldn't deny it a moment longer. Their lips met in passionate duel while hands roamed and unfastened clothing. Buffy took a small hop and wrapped her legs around him. Her skirt rode up to accommodate the movement and the lace on her panties was flashed to the entire world.
"Whoa, stop that," Bob shouted. "Turn the camera off. Security, quick, break them up."
Spike opened his eyes and headed for the first door and opened it. It was a dressing room and after carrying Buffy in, Spike locked the door and laid her on the couch. It didn't take him long before he was between her legs and pulling her panties to the side.
"It's you and me forever, right?" Spike asked.
"Oh, God, yes," Buffy moaned, arching up toward him. "Forever and ever. I love you."
"Love you, too, pet," Spike muttered as he plunged into the fiery depths of her body for the first time. After that neither of them had any doubts about the other or about the family they were creating together.
Their second child was named William Robert. After all Mr. Anderson had to be compensated somehow for bringing them together and letting the child be conceived in one of his dressing rooms. And when they held the squalling infant the first time, Buffy and Spike wondered if any of their children would be conceived in a bed. They smiled at each other and figured they wouldn't be. It would be too normal for them.