Title: Things They'll Never Say
Author: Willow
Summary:
Josh and Donna think about each other and Christmas.
Episode: Post season4, Holy Night
Characters: Josh and Donna POV
Rating: G
Disclaimer: They all belong to Aaron Sorkin, NBC, John Wells and many others who aren't me.


Part I - Things He'll Never Say

I meant what I said to Leo, it is fine, it is the way it should be, or at least it's the way it has to be. I was just thrown off balance for a second, when he told me he'd got her a lift with a news crew. She'll have a great time in the mountains though, what a place to spend to Christmas. A swanky hotel in the snow, perfect.

It's not like I needed her here. Leo stayed to help me and we sorted out the church roof. Well, we arranged for someone to talk to someone else, who in turn will talk to someone else about a temporary repair. So you see, I didn't need Donna. Yeah right, of course I didn't!

So it's Christmas morning and here I am, sat in my apartment wondering what to do today. I'm not a big Christmas fan, haven't really celebrated it since I was a kid, so being on my own over the holiday shouldn't matter to me. Normally we're all in town for the holidays and we usually spend Christmas day at one of our apartments, eating too much and getting drunk, while watching old movies on the TV. Not this year though. This year Sam's in California, CJ's gone to her brother's, Toby's with his father and Donna's with Jack.
The last two are partly my doing so I shouldn't complain and I'm not, well not about Toby anyway. He actually asked his father to stay for Christmas, my good deed for the season, and I don't think Toby wants to kill me now, cause me pain maybe. And Donna's with Jack in the mountains in the snow.

When I told Jack that she liked him, he asked the same thing Amy asked me, he was more subtle, but the meaning was the same. They wanted to know whether anything was going on between me and Donna. Amy had 'heard things', she was pretty jealous of Donna right through our relationship, even though I kept telling her she had no reason. Jack thought I'd talked about Donna too much, and I know he's right. My mom thinks that too.

Donna's with Jack. Why the hell did I agree to tell him she liked him? Why didn't I just tell her that we're a little old for playing 'my friend likes your friend'? But she looked so pleading and I just wanted to help her, I wanted to make her smile.

She does seem happy with him and I want Donna to be happy. I'd just prefer it if she was happy with me instead of sailor boy. So why did I fix her up with him? I keep thinking about what Joey said when Donna wanted me to ask Joey out - misdirection, was that it? I don't think it was, I just wanted her to be happy, and to stop following me around nagging me to go and talk to Jack for her.

Misdirection? Yeah, yeah that may have had something to do with it. Do you know what I enjoyed, the only thing I enjoyed by the way, about my recovery after the shooting? Donna was at my apartment everyday for the first few weeks. She even stayed over on my bad nights, after my mom had gone home. I enjoy her company. I love being with her. When I'm feeling down, she brings me back up. When I don't feel well, when I'm tired, when my back hurts or my arm or leg - all of which happens more often than I admit - she's knows, and it makes me feel better, knowing that she cares.

I know I should tell her how I feel. I know I should tell her that I love her. But I can't. For a start she'd probably run a mile. Why would she want to date someone like me, when she could have any man she chose. Why would she choose someone with scars and nightmares and PTSD. So I can't tell her how I feel, because then I'd loose her friendship and that's something I don't want. But yes, I probably should tell her before I go insane watching her with another man.

"Josh, are you there?"

Shit, was that the answer phone? I didn't even hear the phone ring. I rouse myself to walk across the apartment and answer the phone. "Hey, CJ."

"Merry Christmas."

"Yeah, you too. Having a good time?" I ask, trying to drag myself back to the present.

"No, not really. I'm sat at home on my own. You?"

Why she's at home alone? I thought... "I thought you were going to your brother's?"

"Have you looked out the window?" she laughs at me. "I'm going to go for New Year, if the weather lets up. So what have you been doing?"

Brooding, maybe I shouldn't tell her that though. "Well, I called my mom and Sam called me. Yeah, that's about it. So what you doing today then?" I ask.

"I'm eating whatever food I can find in my kitchen and getting drunk while watching old movies. You want to come over?"

"I'd love to," I tell her honestly. I can't imagine a better way to spend today, well almost. "You want me bring anything?"

"Food, alcohol," she laughs.

"I'll be there in half an hour," I smile.

Yeah, maybe I should tell Donna how feel, but some time in the future, not just yet.

Part 2, Things She'll Never Say .........