The Super-duper Mega Ultimate Parody of Pokémon
By The One and Only ArtikGato!!
Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon. I never have and I never will.
Author's Notes: I am NOT bashing Pokémon, simply mocking it. That is what I do after all, I mock things. ^_^ I created a random new character, but she is the only one that I insert into this story, rest assured.
The Super-duper Mega Ultimate Parody of Pokémon!!
Part One: Is that Ash Bitch-slapping Gary?!
"Boring. Boring. Boring. Seen it. Rerun. Boring. Boring. Boring. Evil. Boring." said a girl with a monotone, bored voice, clicking a remote. She was sprawled on a tacky orange couch dressed in common clothes: jeans, a t-shirt, and a lopsided black hat, of course. The television across the room from her flicked from channel to channel. She stopped on a channel with some stupid looking yellow rat on the screen.
"What on Earth is THIS?!" she demanded, interested only because the rat was so stupid looking that she could not resist the temptation to mock the show.
Unfortunately, the fates were in a weird mood that day, and so they decided to be very cruel.
The girl, we will call her Ash from now on even though we have no idea if that was her name before, suddenly found herself anime-ized and in an animated place.
"Freaky," she said, looking at her hand which had a black outline and was 2D. She suddenly noticed that she wasn't wearing the same thing that she was before. In place of her lopsided black hat was a stupid looking red and white hat that was straight forward on her head. She was wearing a black t-shirt and a stupid looking blue coat or something, and blue jeans with the ends stupidly rolled up.
"Argh!" she exclaimed, ripping the red and white hat off of her head as well as the jacket, and unrolling the ends of the blue jeans. "Why am I dressed like a ten-year-old boy?!" she demanded, rolling the coat and the hat into a ball and drop kicking them into the next time zone. We can assume that the girl was somewhat of a brat and had an anger problem. Fortunately, this works out very well for us that are observing.
"Well, at least I look a bit more like a girl now," she observed, ferverishly untucking the black shirt that she was wearing. "Now where the hell am I?" she asked, looking around. To those of us that have a basic knowledge in what the scientists are calling 'Pokémon', this place is clearly Pallet Town, but to Ash, it was a stupid looking cartoon place.
"Hmm...random people wandering around in lines for no apparent reason...I should go harass them for information," she said, walking over to them.
"Why, hello, Ash!" exclaimed a woman with purple hair who looked way too cheery.
"...wait, how do you know my name?" she asked, her threats forgotten.
"Why, stop kidding me, Ash. Why, I've know you since you were a little kid, Ash!" she replied.
"Okey dokey," she said, on the verge of beating the woman into a bloody pulp, and stomped away from her. She wasn't looking where she was going, and accidentally ran into a sign. Cursing, she sprang up intent on destroying the sign, until she saw the words on said sign.
This is your house, Ash! Is what the sign read.
"Okay...that's a little weird," she said, and looked over the house. It was...quaint. In other words, very very small. A quaint white picket fence made a perfect little square around it and a quaint little vegetable garden was off to the left of it. She decided to go inside. She found a quaint little living room with a normal looking carpet, a normal looking couch, a television, and other random furniture. She heard quaint little humming from the quaint little kitchen in the next room. She proceeded into the quaint little kitchen and was greeted by a quaint little woman.
"Hello Ash," she said, standing up concerned. "What are you doing back? Shouldn't you be at Professor Oak's getting your first Pokémon?"
"Who the hell are you? And what the hell is a Pokémon?" she demanded. The woman seemed not to notice. She smiled widely.
"Don't be silly, Ash! You can do it, I know you can! Now hurry on over to Professor Oaks and get your first Pokémon!" she exclaimed.
"What the blazes are you TALKING about?" she asked, but the woman shoved her out of the quaint little kitchen and into the quaint little yard.
"Oh...fine! But I'll be back, mark my words, woman!" she exclaimed.
"I love you Ash honey!" the woman called.
"Whatever," Ash replied, walking down the road. Once again she didn't look where she was going because she was too busy wondering what the heck was going on. She crashed into another sign and sprang up, this time fully intent on destroying the wooden thing.
This is Professor Oak's laboratory. You know, the place your mother told you to come to!
"Umm...right," she said, going past the sign confusedly, and walking into the laboratory. There were some people in white lab coats walking around aimlessly, and one important looking old guy also in a lab coat. She decided to walk up to him, but as soon as she stepped through into his part of the laboratory she found her legs moving without her consent.
"Oh, hello Ash! Are you here to choose a Pokémon?" the old guy asked.
"Umm...yes?" Ash asked.
"Splendid!! As you can see there are three Pokéballs on the table there-" the old guy started, but was cut off by stupid sounding music playing. Suddenly a pompous looking guy with brown hair sauntered in.
"Yo, gramps!" he said.
"What the hell do you want, Gary?!" the old guy demanded.
"Don't take that tone with me, you old fart!! I'm here for a Pokémon!" he exclaimed. Ash wasn't sure why, but she was extremely offended by this guy.
"But I'm getting a Pokémon!" she protested.
"Yeah right, Ash. You probably don't even know what a Pokémon is!" Gary replied.
"Yeah huh!!" Ash replied, even though she was blatantly lieing.
"Well I'm the old man's grandson so I get to choose first ANYWAY!!! NYAH!!" Gary exclaimed.
"Oh, that's it!!" she exclaimed, and proceeded to clock him on the head and slap him across the face a few times.
"OWW!!! Geez Ash, when did you get so violent?" Gary whined.
"Shaddup, bitch!!" *slap slap*
"Mercy!! Mercy!!" Gary wailed.
"That's better!!" Ash exclaimed,
and walked over to the table confidently. She picked up a ball and, through
some sort of impulse, threw it. A cool looking blue turtle that stood on two
legs and had a cool looking water-ific tail popped out of it in an explosion of
"Ah, you've chosen Squirtle, the water turtle Pokémon. Is that okay?" the old guy asked.
"I guess," she said.
"Then I'll choose BULBASAUR, and he has a type advantage against your Squirtle!" Gary exclaimed arrogantly.
"DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, BITCH!!" Ash shouted. Gary whimpered and scuttled over to the Pokéballs, picking up the one that contained Bulbasaur.
"Ash, Gary, I have some things for you," the old guy said. He handed them both a square red thing.
"That is your Pokédex. It will give you information on any Pokémon you might encounter."
He then handed them a bunch of random things.
"Those are items. Figure out how to use them on your own."
"Wait a minute, I don't know how to use them!" Ash protested. The old guy chuckled.
"Don't be silly. Of course you know how to use them,"
"No really, I don't!"
Gary examined his random items and got a confident and, as usual, arrogant look on his stupid face.
"Say, Ash, wanna have a Pokémon Battle?" he asked.
"Why not?" Ash shrugged. Gary released his Bulbasaur, a green frog thing with a plant on it's back.
"All right! Let's fight!!" he exclaimed. Ash lept over the turtle and the frog and slapped him across the face.
"No no, not us, our Pokémon," Gary said, holding his cheek.
"All right. Ummm...turtle thing...go and attack that frog thing," ordered Ash.
"Squirtle!" Squirtle said and, copying her, walked up to the Bulbasaur and bitch slapped it around until it turned into red energy and went back into Gary's Pokéball. A gold coin suddenly flew out of Gary's pocket and conviniently landed in Ash's pocket. She arched an eyebrow.
"Interesting," said the old guy, "I didn't know that Squirtle knew Double Slap,"
"Double Slap?" Ash echoed.
"Umm...whatever."the old guy said. Gary whimpered and dashed out of the laboratory.
"Pfsh. What a moron," said Ash. Then she promptly left.
"Hmm. What is the point of this? Maybe I'm supposed to bitch slap everyone around until they give me gold coins. But that knave Gary didn't give me a gold coin until the turtle thing bitch slapped around his frog thing," she pondered. She saw the stupid looking purple haired woman and walked up to her.
"You!! I demand that you face me in a 'Pokémon Battle'!" she said, mentally praising herself for saying the word 'Pokémon' right.
"Why, I'm sorry Ash, honey, but I don't have any Pokémon!"
"You don't? Why the hell not?!"
"Why, because you have to get an official Pokémon from Professor Oak in order to be a Pokémon Trainer!" she responded with her stupid crackly old voice.
"I see. And are there more 'Pokémon Trainers' in the world?" she asked.
"And they will face me in 'Pokémon Battles'?"
"Is that all you say?!"
"Umm, okay, where are these 'Pokémon Trainers'?"
"Why, they're everywhere!"
"Are there any here?"
"Why, not to my recollection. Why, most trainers leave here once they get a Pokémon!"
"Then I must travel away from this sorry little village?"
Then Ash promptly walked away, without thanking the woman or anything. The woman just smiled and continued to walk aimlessly in lines.
Ash stood in the middle of town. The entire town encompassed about .00000005 of a mile, so she could see both of the exits of the town from where she was. One was the sea, and the other was some unnaturally tall grass that was all the exact same height.
"Hmm...maybe I should tromp around in the grass first. The water doesn't look all that deep, but swimming isn't my style," she finally decided and with that took a whole two steps and found herself in grass that just about reached well over her head.
"Doesn't anyone cut the grass in this stupid world?" she muttered, and proceeded to make her way through the grass, avoiding crickets as they flew up in her face. She had taken about four steps, and suddenly a stupid looking oversized rat jumped into her path and tried to look threatening. Of course, since it was purple it failed miserably.
"Hmm...this must be a 'Pokémon..." she thought.
"Damn rat!! Out of my way!" *smack smack* She said.
The rat lunged at her fiercely, oversized and stupid looking fangs bared. Suddenly her red and white ball thing that apparently had the cool looking turtle in it opened and the cool looking turtle knocked the rat away into the grass, unconcious. Ash looked disgruntled and glared at the turtle.
"I could have beaten that thing up, you know," she said. The turtle shrugged, and jumped onto her back, opening the backpack that had mysteriously appeared on her back for no apparent reason. It withdrew a red and white ball like the one it had come out of and handed it to her, motioning for her to throw it at the rat. She chucked the ball at the rat like a baseball and it swallowed the thing up in a burst of red light. The ball wobbled around stupidly for a few seconds and then stopped.
"Umm...yay?" she asked, as the turtle did an overly happy dance of victory. The turtle grabbed the ball and held it up to Ash.
"Joy." she said, unenthusiastically, and put it in the backpack that until now she didn't even know existed.
"So, umm...what's your name?" she asked, suddenly realizing that she didn't remember what the old man had called it.
"Squirtle!" the turtle answered.
"That's clever. Squirt and turtle. What do you squirt water out of your butt or something?" she asked. The 'squirtle' promptly soaked her with water from it's mouth.
"Ah...that makes more sense. Don't do that again, because I don't want to bitch slap you. You're really cool." Ash warned. Squirtle promptly turned into red energy and disappeared into it's ball thingy.
TWO DAYS LATER...
"ARGH!! I've been wandering around this damn grass for two days!!! Where is the frickin' exit?" Ash demanded as she bitch slapped her ten millionth Pidgey. Squirtle, who could now knock out ten Pidgeys at once as opposed to one when they first started, shrugged his shoulders.
"You know, you're not much help. You think you could be a good navigator or something!" she said, but suddenly tripped over a hedge that was cropped close to the ground and fell on her face.
"Hey kid, are you all right?" came a voice. She jumped up, brushing herself off.
"I'm not a kid! I'm just stuck in a kid's body!" she answered, disgruntled.
"Yeah, whatever. Are you all right?"
"I'm fine," she said, glaring at the person. He had light green hair and looked and acted like a knave. He smiled and cheerfully continued to walk in squares for no reason. She marched up to him and grabbed him by his collar.
"I demand that you face me in a Pokémon Battle!" she exclaimed. The guy, who didn't seem to notice that she had grabbed him by the collar, waved his hands in surrender.
"I'm sorry! I don't have any Pokémon to battle you with! But I WILL give you this!! It's a potion, used to heal your Pokémon when it's HP gets low," the random guy said, handing her a potion.
"What the blazes are HP?" she asked.
"And how will I know when they get low?"
"When your Pokémon looks tired,"
"All right then!"
She let go of him and he continued to walk in squares humming cheerfully. Ash shrugged and took approximately two steps away from him. Instantly she was swarmed by wild Pokémon, as if the random guy had a protective barrier around him that made him immune to attacks by wild Pokémon. She cracked her knuckles and she and Squirtle went to work, knocking out the entire fleet of Rattata and Pidgey in a matter of seconds.
"Where the blazes is the exit to this road?!" she complained, and then fell over another hedge that was cropped stupidly low to the ground. She got up muttering profanities, until she realized that she was out of the insanely tall grass!
"Hurray!" she exclaimed. Squirtle did his overly hyper dance of victory. She walked and, for some strange reason, again failed to watch where she was going.
"DAMN SIGNS!!! I SWEAR I'LL DESTROY THEM ALL!!!" she screamed (and none of the random bystanders even GLANCED at her!). Then she noticed that this sign, like all the others, had a very informative message.
Welcome to Viridian City!! There are Pokémon Trainers here!!
"FINALLY!!!" she exclaimed, and dashed up to the nearest random bystander.
"YOU!! FACE ME IN A POKÉMON BATTLE AT ONCE!!"
"Sorry, but I don't have a Pokémon!!" the guy replied far too cheerily. She facefaulted.
"KAWAII!!! IT'S A SQUIRTLE!!!" came a shriek from behind her. She whipped around to see a random female trainer with orange hair in a weird ponytail glomping her Squirtle. Further analysis told her that this female was a skank, obvious from the clothing-or in her case lack thereof-that she wore.
"Who the hell are you and why the hell are you hugging my Squirtle?!" Ash demanded.
"Oh, sorry. My name is Misty, and I'm training to be a water Pokémon master!" the random orange haired female replied.
"Do what? Water? Pokémon master?" Ash asked.
"Geez, are you THAT clueless? Your Squirtle is a water type Pokémon, meaning that it lives in water and uses it to attack. Pokémon masters are Pokémon trainers that have won against all four of the Elite Four," 'Misty' replied.
"Oh. I knew that. I'm just...umm...really hungry?" Ash tried. Misty seemed satisfied with that.
"Well, I've got to be going-" Misty started.
"WAIT!! I DEMAND THAT YOU FACE ME IN A POKÉMON BATTLE!!" Ash exclaimed. Misty smirked and withdrew a Pokéball from the red pouch she carried.
"You're on!" she exclaimed. Dramatic music spontaneously began to play. "Go STARYU!!" Misty exclaimed and threw a Pokéball. A big yellow starfish popped out and went 'HIYA!!'
"DEWD!!!! IT'S A TALKING STARFISH!!!" Ash exclaimed.
"Duh!" Misty replied.
"Well I think I'll use, um, Pidgey," Ash said, and threw the Pokéball containing the knavish bird.
"PIDGEY!!" Pidgey trilled.
"Staryu, Water gun!" Staryu shot a blast of water out of it's top point thingy. Pidgey dodged.
"Oh, that's the name of that move," Ash said, writing it down on a pad of paper. Misty sweatdropped.
"Newbie trainer, aren't you?" she asked.
"For your information, I'm not
even FROM this world!!" Ash fired back.
"Whatever. It's your move," Misty replied.
"Okay. Um. Pidgey, do that thing where you flap your wings and make a tornado appear," Ash commanded. Pidgey faithfully launched into a Gust attack.
"Staryu, tackle it!" Misty called.
"Ah. That's a new one too," Ash said, writing 'tackle' on the pad as Pidgey one again dodged.
"Do that thing where you throw sand in your opponent's face. That worked well on Squirtle," Ash said thoughtfully. Pidgey blew some sand onto Staryu, but the starfish was unaffected.
"I guess it doesn't work 'cause the starfish thing doesn't have a face," Ash replied, and shrugged. "Okay, then dive bomb attack!" Pidgey launched into a Quick Attack, taking Misty and Staryu by complete suprise. Staryu turned into red energy and went back to Misty. Ash waited patiently for a gold coin to float to her, but suprisingly Misty instead threw another Pokéball, this time over the convenienty placed pond right next to them.
"Goldeen, goldeen goldeen goldeen!" said a goldfish. Ash blinked at it.
"I'm supposed to be intimidated by a goldfish? Whatever. Since your Pokémon is in the water then I'll use Squirtle this time," Ash said, recalling Pidgey.
"Okay Goldeen, Horn Attack!" Goldeen charged at Squirtle with it's sharp horn pointed forward. Squirtle simply dodged.
"Okay...um..." she started, and looked at her pad of paper "Water gun!" Squirtle blasted Goldeen with water but the goldfish seemed unaffected.
"Don't you know that water attacks don't do very much damage to water Pokémon, especially WHILE they're in the water?!"
"I do now," Ash said, making a note of that.
"Goldeen, Peck attack!" The goldeen attempted to bite Squirtle's head off, but he of course dodged it.
"Tackle!" Squirtle tackled the heck out of Goldeen, making it turn into red energy and go back to Misty.
Ash once again waited, a little impatiently this time, for a gold coin to float over to her, but instead Misty threw out ANOTHER red and white ball thingy.
"How many of these fricking things do you HAVE?!" Ash demanded as the purple starfish that looked like two starfish glued together came out and made some weirdo noise.
"This is my last one, thank you very much," Misty replied.
"Whatever. Squirtle, get in there and bitch slap the hell out of that freaky purple starfish so we can win this battle!" Ash commanded. Squirtle followed faithfully, jumping toward the Starmie and proceeding to bitch slap it around a little. The Starmie didn't turn into red energy, though, but instead blew Squirtle back with a Water Gun.
"Don't give up, Squirtle! Get back in there and bitch slap that thing!"
"Squirtle!" This time, the Starmie DID turn into red energy and go back to Misty after a few bitch slaps to the 'face', if it indeed had a face.
"Those were some nice moves. But I didn't know Squirtle knew Double Slap," Misty said, begrudgingly. Ash looked clueless.
"Why does everyone say that? All Squirtle was doing was just bitch slapping your freaky star thing around a little while!" Ash said. Another gold coin floated out of Misty's red bag thing and into her pocket.
"Spiffy," was all she said. Misty glared and turned back to her bike.
"AUGH!!" she screamed, running over to her bike...which was being dented, bent, rusted, and generally destroyed by Squirtle. "NO!!! YOUR SQUIRTLE HAS DESTROYED MY BIKE!!!" she wailed.
"Umm...sorry?" Ash said, recalling Squirtle.
"SORRY WON'T CUT IT!! You're gonna repay me for my bike!"
"All right...will this work?" Ash asked, taking the two gold coins from her pocket.
"NO THAT WILL NOT WORK!! BIKES COST ONE MILLION POKÉDOLLARS!!!" Misty screamed. Ash nearly had a heart attack.
"ONE MILLION?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIDING IT AROUND THEN?!!"
"IT'S A BIKE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO! AND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER YOU'RE GOING TO REPAY ME FOR IT!!"
"But I can't!!
"Well you're gonna!" Misty exclaimed and picked up her bike, trudging toward a rather large building with a red and white ball thingimajig on top of it.
"Where are you going? Does this mean I don't have to pay you back?"
"I'm just going to the Pokémon Center, and NO this DOES NOT MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ME BACK!! WE'RE NOT THROUGH, ASH, NOT BY A LONG SHOT!!"
"She sure screams a lot, doesn't she?" Ash grumbled to herself, and trudged after Misty, figuring that she needed to find out what the function of a 'Pokémon Center' was.
"FRICKING SIGNS!!! WHY DO I ALWAYS RUN INTO THEM?!" Ash bellowed.
Viridian City Pokémon Center. Pokémon Centers are places for Trainers to eat, sleep, shower, and heal their Pokémon while on the road training.
"Oh. Well that explains it," Ash said, scratching her head at the extremely informative sign. Then she decided to go into the Pokémon Center.
"CHANSEY!!" exclaimed a big pink puffball thing as it ran up to her with a big smile on it's face.
"AUGH!!! BIG PINK PUFFBALLS!!" Ash shreiked. And, get this, NO ONE IN THE ENTIRE POKÉMON CENTER EVEN LOOKED AT HER STRANGELY!!! HOW WEIRD IS THAT?!
"Chansey!" the 'Chansey' promptly left, appearing to not hear her, either. She composed herself and walked up to a counter behind of which was a nurse with pink hair in a very weird style. But then again this was a cartoon so her hairstyle was probably weird and she just didn't know it.
"Hello and welcome to the Viridian City Pokémon Center! I'm Nurse Joy," she said.
"How generic," Ash muttered. The nurse just smiled, appearing to not have heard her.
"I'll take your Pokémon, all right?" she asked.
"Hold on!! The old man gave me this Squirtle and I caught the rat and the bird FAIR AND SQUARE!!" she screamed.
"I'll take them to be healed, I mean. You'll get them back shortly. In the mean time check out our free buffet!" the Nurse said, gesturing to a huge buffet with every kind of food imaginable. Ash stared at it in awe, and then practically threw her three Pokéballs at the Nurse.
"TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEM!!!" she screamed, and then pounced apon the unsuspecing buffet.