Disclaimer: I do not own .hack, and sadly, I never will.

~~Starfish = SF~~

SF: We're here to find out what happens when we leave the cast of .hack//sign to modern day marvels... like the microwave.

~~~

Part 1 - Tsukasa vs. the Microwave

Tsukasa: **walks into an empty room with a microwave in the middle of the floor** **the exits all seal themselves off** What the--?!?!

SF: **gets on a loudspeaker system that talks into the room** Tsukasa...

Tsukasa: **looks around** Who the hell?

SF: I am... not your father.

Tsukasa: Duh... now let me out of here.

SF: NEVER!

Tsukasa: Uh... what can I do to get you to let me out?

SF: You must... nevermind this must stay PG-13.

Tsukasa: What?!

SF: NEVERMIND! Now... you must heat up a cold piece of pizza with... the microwave.

People Reading: **gasp**

Tsukasa: What?!

SF: Use the microwave to overcome the challenge.

Tsukasa: What challenge?

SF: Just cook the damn pizza!

Tsukasa: Ummm... **spots a piece of pizza on top of the microwave and puts it in** Now what?

SF: Push the damn button! Geez... who knew someone so sexy could be so stupid...

Tsukasa: WHAT?!

SF: COOK!

Tsukasa: **presses it so it goes on for 60 minutes** Ummm. I hope that's right.

~~5 minutes later~~

Pizza: **explodes**

Tsukasa: Fuck... now I can't get out... Hey! Ummm... person with the loud voice...

**silence**

Tsukasa: HEY! Umm... maybe I could fix it. **opens the microwave and tries to take out the pizza with just his hands**

Pizza: Mwahahahaha... **burns Tsukasa**

Tsukasa: Ow!!! **throws the pizza against the wall**

Pizza: **dies**

Tsukasa: O.O That thing was alive... Ummm... Now to fix this... What do you call it? Ummm... whatever. **sticks his hand in the microwave and presses the 'on' button** **gets his hand burned** DAMMIT! Not again... WON'T ANYBODY HELP ME?!?!

Readers: NO!

Tsukasa: Aww man! I'm stuck here... With... this thing... **glares at the microwave**

Microwave: **sits there**

Tsukasa: So... what's your name?

Microwave: **sits there**

Tsukasa: ANSWER ME DAMMIT!

Microwave: **sits there**

Tsukasa: Fine... be a little punk.

Readers: O.O;;;

Tsukasa: STUPID! **kicks it** Why wont you talk?

Microwave: **sits there**

Tsukasa: PUNK!!!!

Microwave: **sits there**

Tsukasa: Ya, you just keep on sitting there like you own the place...

Readers: O.O;;;

Tsukasa: **sees a little piece of paper inside the microwave** ...? What's that? **takes it and reads** "This house belongs to... Mr... Microwa-" DAMN YOU, YOU STUPID... STUPID HEAD!

SF: Kick it...

Tsukasa: You again...

SF: Kick it...

Tsukasa: Why?

SF: You know you want to...

Tsukasa: Oh shut up!

SF: Fine...

Tsukasa: **looks around to make sure no ones watching, then kicks the microwave**

Microwave: **sits there... very hard**

Tsukasa: **hurts his foot kicking it** Ahhh! Stupid, stupid microwave!

Microwave: **sits there**

Tsukasa: ANSWER ME!!!!!!

Microwave: **doesn't answer**

Tsukasa: I despise you...

SF: And it despises you...

Tsukasa: **jumps** I thought you were gone!

SF: I was but I felt like coming back.

Tsukasa: Leave me alone!

SF: If you eat the pizza... I will let you go.

Tsukasa: Really?!

SF: Maybe... eat it and see...

Tsukasa: Why are you so mysterious?!

SF: Am I mysterious... or is it your mind?

Readers: O.O;;;

Tsukasa: **confused** ... Shut up!!!

SF: Fine...

Tsukasa: Really?

**silence**

Tsukasa: **walks over to the pizza**

Pizza: **stuck to the wall**

Tsukasa: **pulls it off and quickly shoves it in his mouth and eats it** THERE!

SF: Sorry, wasn't watching.

Readers + Tsukasa: O.O;;;

Tsukasa: NOOOOO! I have to get out of here! I have a-

SF: Date?

Tsukasa: No...! **blushes**

SF: Oh reaaalllllyyy...

Tsukasa: No!

SF: With who? Mimiru? Or maybe... that little witch Subaru...

Tsukasa: Not telling...

SF: Maybe a date with me?

Tsukasa: Ya right!

SF: If you say yes I'll let you out... ^-_-^

Tsukasa: Really? SF: Yes.

Tsukasa: Really really?

SF: Really really.

Tsukasa: **sighs** OK... fine.

**the doors open**

SF: **comes walking in** ^_______^ **grabs him by the arm** You know, you could've just used a sprite ocarina.

Tsukasa: O.O

~~END PART ONE~~

~~~

SF: Stay tuned for part two coming out soon! It will be... Mimiru vs. the Hairdryer.

Readers: **gasp**

SF: I know. I'm so evil. If you didn't think much of this, don't worry... I didn't either. I just got really bored at two in the morning. But I still think it's funny. Part two will be better, trust me. Peace!

Tsukasa: R + R and maybe I can get out of this date!!!