PotC: The Curse of the MARY SUES!!!

*Disclaimer: I own Jack. And Will. Yep. They are my willing slaves. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! . Actually, I own nothing. Not PotC. Not Will. Not Jack (sob). Disney owns them all. Or something like that.

*Note: Yes, I know it has been done before. But having to read a few agonizing Mary Sues and a couple of Red Bulls have motivated me to write this story. parody. whatever. Review, flame, criticize, or whatever you'd like, I just had to get this out of my system.

**Another Note: I've noticed that there are a few common types of Mary Sue stories in this lovely section of FF.net. There are the rugged, fearsome she-pirates, who somehow end up in Port Royal and fall desperately in love with our favorite captain/ blacksmith (and vice versa). There are the helpless, defenseless beautiful maidens who manage to float on a piece of wood until bumping into Jack/Will, and they too fall deeply in love with them. And there are the characters that live in the modern times and suddenly appear in Port Royal in the 1700's and (you guessed it) fall madly in love with Jack and/or Will. I will be toying around with each of these types in this story. Why? Because I want to!

***Another Another Note: if this somehow offends you, I am very sorry. Yes, I understand that some people enjoy reading/writing Mary Sues. I am not one of them. This is not directed at anybody, and I am not trying to personally insult anyone. Enough. On to the parody!!

Chapter 1: She-Pirate Mary Sue

The waves lapped gently at the sandy shores of Port Royal. The sunset in the distance caused the sky to change to beautiful shades of orange. The port was peaceful, save for the sounds of a few seagulls squawking overhead or shouting coming from the local pub, the Faithful Bride.

Our heroine of this chapter, she-pirate Mary Sue, stood atop the mast of her massive ship, peering down at the port. Her golden-brown-waist-length hair flew freely behind her, quite like something out of an Herbal Essences commercial. Her emerald green eyes sparkled as she gazed out at the small town, wondering how she was planning to ransack it. She soon devised a perfect plan, for she, as most Mary Sues, was not only utterly beautiful, but incredibly intelligent as well.

She hopped down to the deck of her ship, managing to avoid any scrapes, cuts, bruises, or sprains that any non-Mary Sues would receive if they dared attempt such a risky stunt.

She called her crew up on deck, and ordered them to dock their ship at the port as she set off to explore the town. Pulling a Cirque du Solei-esque acrobatic jump, she leapt down to the docks, and made her way towards the settlement.


"'Ey Will, get in 'Ere and 'Elp meh git this theng shut!" yelled everyone's favorite pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow, in a bad attempt at an18th century British accent. For you see, in most PotC Mary Sue stories, the writer tries to incorporate British and Pirate enunciations and usually ends up with something that no one can really figure out.

"What was that, Jack? I couldn't understand you through that mangled mess of apostrophes and capitalizations," replied Will Turner, a sexy blacksmith turned pirate and some Mary Sue authors' excuse for unnecessary sex scenes.

"I asked ye to 'Elp meh with this window 'Ere," explained Jack, trying quite hard to shut a rusted window inside of the Faithful Bride, the town's most popular alcoholic beverage-producing hangout.

"Oh, of course, Jack," answered Will, making his way over to the window to try to close it.

"Let me help you with that," came a voice, the loveliest voice that Jack or Will had ever heard in their lives. They looked up to see our she-pirate Mary Sue, stunningly gorgeous, peering down at them. She effortlessly shut the rusted window, due to the fact that she happened to be the strongest Mary Sue. er, pirate, in the Spanish Main.

Now, it is impossible for any man to escape the somewhat magnetic power that a Mary Sue emits. So, both Will and Jack both immediately fell desperately in love with she-pirate Mary Sue at first sight.

"Wait, wait, stop the story," yelled Will, glancing upward. "Aren't I in love with Elizabeth?"

Ah, yet another point I failed to touch upon. For some odd reason, in most Mary Sue stories, Elizabeth is either dead or never existed at all.

"Ah, yes, thank you," responded Will, who went back to staring at our she- pirate Mary Sue.

"Why, ye are the mos' beautiful woman I 'Ave ever seen!" exclaimed Jack. But just then, a burly looking man sauntered up behind him. Ah, yes, the time had come for she-pirate Mary Sue to show off her amazing strength. "Hey you, Jack Sparrow," spat the man, peering down at Jack. "I believe you owe me some money."

"Money? What money? Believe me, if I owed ye any money, I would 'Ave paid it back to ye by now," replied Jack, flashing his mouthful of golden teeth up at the stranger. "And it's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow." (Mary Sue stories never leave this line out.)

"You owe me money! Pay up," snarled the man, brandishing a pistol. "Now."

"Ah, well, ye see," murmured Jack, nervously eyeing the pistol. "I don't seem to 'Ave the certain amount of money ye are demanding."

"Fine," whispered the man, aiming the pistol straight at Jacks face. His finger was inches away from the trigger when she-pirate Mary Sue whipped out a pistol of her own and fired with aim and quickness to rival John Wayne in one of his westerns. The man staggered, confused, and then hit the floor, dead as a doornail.

Jack and Will stared up at she-pirate Mary Sue. Her flawless face looked down and smiled, revealing a set of blindingly white teeth.

Jack and Will were drawn to she-pirate Mary Sue's power. They both silently vowed that she would be theirs. Oh yes. She would be theirs.


That's all for this chapter. Coming up next.

-Helpless-Maiden Mary Sue! -A fight to the death! (Well, sort of.)

Thanks for reading! -Beads