No own Gravitation.

Tohma x Shuichi

--This is a humor fic.  Keep that in mind.

Chapter 1

            Tohma crossed his arms behind his head and leaned back in his chair, smiling contently as he stared out the window of his office.  He had been doing that a lot lately, though occasionally he felt guilty about being so happy, he could not deny that it felt good to finally be free.

            The divorce was final.  He was once again single.  He had known before they even got married that it wouldn't work; Mika was much too strong-willed for that, but it had been an arranged marriage that neither could get out of.  Tohma had been determined to make it last as long as possible, and he felt proud to say that he did.  The divorce had not been his fault, or at least not directly.  Sure, he had been spending more time at work than at home, and he rarely even tried to make time for Mika.  Though he never heard her complain about his absence once, so he never felt the urge to change it.  That still gave her no excuse.

            The one day Tohma had decided to be nice and come home early for dinner, Mika certainly hadn't been expecting him.  Hearing noises from the bedroom, he had gone to investigate, only to find his wife in bed with someone whom he had never seen before.  He stood in the doorway and put on a mocking smile.  Mika didn't notice him standing there, so he had time to plan out a perfect strategy, which didn't take long at all, needless to say.

            "Hello, Mika-san," he had said, as if he had returned to find her watching television instead.  She had shrieked an ear-piercing scream, pulled the blankets around her, and the man she was with ran out like a coyote being shot at.  It made Tohma feel utterly powerful, and he loved it.

            Of course, as expected, Mika attempted to create an altercation with Tohma by blaming it on him, but it is hard for one to argue with Tohma when Tohma does not want to argue.  Tohma mostly agreed with everything she said, about the way he mistreated her and such, and this, as expected, only made Mika even more furious.  It all ended when she threw all her belongings (or at least all the ones that mattered to her) into a suitcase and stormed off, announcing her desire for a divorce and proclaiming how Tohma should be ecstatic because now he was free to screw her brother.

            Tohma was ecstatic for that very reason, and he did not deny it.  The smile continued to tug at his lips as he watched a car slide out of control and crash into a lamppost on the street below.  What a better life he had than those fools down there.  He was on top of the world, and nothing could bring him down.  Or at least barely anything could bring him down.  There still was one little problem that, though Tohma hated to admit it, he did not know how to deal with.  That was the problem of Shuichi.

            If only this had happened a year earlier, before Shuichi even entered the picture, Eiri would have been free game for Tohma entirely.  But now it almost seemed too late.  But the key word there was 'almost.'  Tohma knew he still could do something to turn Eiri away from Shuichi.  He just had to think.

            Tohma sighed when he saw the moon rise above the building across the street.  Time to close the studio, he decided.  He quickly checked to make sure the entire building was empty, remembering all too clearly what happened last time Ryuichi was locked in overnight, and then put on his coat (the black one with the feathers; it was one of his favorites) and left in his sleek red Mercedes.  That car and Tohma's money had been the only reason Mika had been reluctant to leave the marriage; in fact, she had even tried to fight for the car for herself, but Tohma had been able to convince everyone involved that it was indeed his car.  It was a great car.

            It took a long time to get home, since Tohma did live in a mansion nearly across town from N-G Studio, and it was already into the small hours of the morning before he finally turned onto the road leading to his front door.  Something was amiss, though.  He noted that a strange orange light was glowing over the trees surrounding his mansion.  He had a notion of foreboding, and was actually somewhat surprised to turn the corner and find his house completely engulfed in flames.  Still, despite that his house and all of his belongings were currently being incinerated, Tohma found himself staring at the fire in awe.  Truth be told, he had never seen a fire so large before, and he couldn't help but admit that it truly was beautiful.

            Stepping out of the car, he did not take his eyes from his house until he noticed a dark figure approaching him from the side.  Tearing his eyes away from the sight, Tohma looked up at a tall man that looked vaguely familiar, though he was rather dirty, and Tohma couldn't quite place him.  Not that it mattered; Tohma was really more concerned that the man would touch him and ruin his nice clothes.  He really liked his coat and did not want to get ash on it.  Luckily, the man stopped a few feet away from Tohma and merely stood smirking.

            "Hello there," Tohma said, smiling.  The man's face contorted into an angry glare, and Tohma decided that it was a very grotesque expression, especially when coated with black soot and sweat.

            "Hello, Seguchi," the man growled.  "I hope you like my handiwork.  You deserve it for what you put Mika through!"

            Tohma squinted his eyes at the man, trying to match his face with all the others that floated through his mind.  At last, he gave up.  "Do I know you?"

            The man's expression faltered briefly before returning to its previous state, but Tohma still was able to catch the change.  "Hayashi Toshi," the man spat out, his eyes glowing with hate.  "I am the one your wife is really in love with."

            "Hmm," Tohma said, and peered over the man's shoulder at the flames, which seemed to have gone down a bit.  "Hayashi-san, would you by any chance have cell phone to call the fire department?  I would hate to have to burn this forest as well."

            "Wha—Hey, you bastard!  Don't you even care?" Hayashi cried, his mask completely breaking.  Tohma closed his eyes and smiled, and then flashed a dangerous glare at Hayashi, causing the man to jump back from the ferocity of it.

            "I'm really glad I had gotten this insured," Tohma said, allowing his glare to fade into another trademark smile.  "Well, then."  He turned and started into his car again, though a rough hand on his shoulder pulled him back.  Tohma slapped the man's hand away and immediately proceeded to examine the damage he had done to his coat.  Luckily it was black, so it didn't seem to be completely ruined, though he might have to put forth another large sum of money to get it replaced if anything stained.  Of course, he might do that anyway, seeing as though now it had his ex-wife's lover's sweat all over it.

            "You, you, you…you bastard!  I can't believe you!" Hayashi yelled, nearly stuttering over his own words.  "I just burned down your house and you don't care?"

            "Oh, that's right," Tohma said, smiling again, despite the damage that had been induced upon his coat.  "Why would I care?  It isn't as though anything in there is priceless.  And like I said, I have insurance.  I'm just taking a great deal of amusement out of the fact that this probably hurt you much more than it did me."  He flashed Hayashi another smile, and then jumped into his car quickly so that the man did not have another chance to mar his coat any further.

            It was actually a fortunate thing, Tohma decided.  Now he had an excuse to live somewhere else, and he knew exactly where that somewhere was.  He was smiling to himself as another plan began to form in his head.  If he could not get to Eiri from where he stood now, he would just have to move somewhere else.  Everything was working out perfectly; it seemed as though fate was on his side.  He was glad he had left his cell phone at home that day to be burned with the rest of the house.


            Shuichi rolled over and nearly fell off the couch.  He was used to sleeping there, since he did nearly every night, but this night it seemed particularly uncomfortable, probably since it was the first time he could remember that it had actually been his own fault.  Well, at least Yuki had reason to be mad, but it sure wasn't Shuichi's fault that he didn't know what the blender was actually used for.

            Shuichi thought he heard a knocking sound, but when he glanced at the clock, he decided it must have been his imagination.  After all, who would come to the door at two thirty in the morning?

            Shuichi was about to roll over when he heard another knock, though this was much louder than the previous.  He shrieked and felt himself crash onto the ground.  He sat there in a daze for a moment until another knock cleared his head, and he went dashing over to the door to answer it.  He didn't even have time to register who the person was before the said person spoke.

            "Good morning, Shindo-san."

            "Eh?" Shuichi said, rubbing one of his eyes harshly, almost as if he were trying to claw the thing out.  "Seguchi-san?"

            "May I borrow your phone?" Tohma said with his ever-present, ever-pleasant smile.

            "Mm, don't you have a phone, Seguchi-san?"

            Tohma shook his head.  "Well, I used to."

            Shuichi stared at Tohma for a while, and then decided that he wasn't going to elaborate, not to mention that even if he did, Shuichi might not understand him because Shuichi rarely did understand even half of what Tohma said.  Shuichi pulled the door open wider and staggered off to the side to allow Tohma inside.  He switched on the lights and was about to give directions to the phone when he noticed Tohma was already making his way over to it.  It was then that he remembered that Tohma came over here a lot.

            Tohma paused and removed his coat, holding it far away from him in the tips of his fingers as if it were the most disgusting thing he had ever handled.  He draped it across the couch's armrest, and then once again proceeded to the telephone.  Shuichi watched as he did this intently with both his eyebrows raised, but after a moment of contemplation, he decided it would be best not to know.

            "Who are you going to call?" Shuichi asked, sitting down across from Tohma, whom now was seated comfortably on the sofa with his legs crossed over the footrest in front of him.

            "Mm, several people," Tohma replied, pulling a phonebook out from under the coffee table and flipping through it.  "The police for one, the fire department for two, my insurance company for three, Mika-san for four, and possibly Uesugi-san, though I'm not sure I'm in the mood to talk to him right now."

            "Oh."  Shuichi thought about saying, "Make yourself at home," but he didn't see the need, since Tohma seemed to already have done that.  Instead he sighed and rested his head in his palm.  "Why are you calling the police?"

            Tohma smiled and opened his mouth to answer when a loud thump came from the hallway leading to the back rooms.  Both looked up to see Yuki standing there, complete with bags under his eyes, but he still glared at Tohma irritably.

            "What are you doing here?" he snarled.

            Tohma turned his smile on Yuki.  "I'm using your phone."

            Yuki narrowed his eyes at Tohma, though it could be told that Tohma's answer had taken him by surprise.  At last, Yuki's eyes seemed to glaze over, and looked unsure as to whether this was a dream or not.  He looked over to Shuichi for help, but the latter merely shrugged.

            Tohma seemed to have already forgotten the others' presence as he picked up the phone and began dialing, occasionally glancing at the phonebook where his finger was placed in the middle of the page.  He fell silent for a moment, until the faint ringing of the receiver stopped and a woman's muffled voice mumbled something.

            "Ah, yes, this is Seguchi Tohma," Tohma said, smiling, even though she could not see it.  "I'd like to report a case of trespassing, property damage, and arson."  There was a pause, in which Shuichi noticed that Yuki's eyes darted back over to him, but he ignored it and continued to stare intently at Tohma.  "Hayashi Toshi."  Another pause.  "All right, thank you.  And would you possibly report this to the fire department?  Or shall I call them instead?" Yet another pause.  "All right, then.  Goodbye."  He hung up the phone and sighed, then smiled up at Yuki.  "She was nice."

            "You mind telling me what's going on?" Yuki said, lifting an eyebrow.

            "Hang on.  I've got to call my insurance company," Tohma said, flipping through the phonebook once again.

            "You mind?  They can wait, you know," Yuki said irritably as he sat down beside Shuichi.  "I think, since it's my phone, not to mention my time to sleep, you owe me an explanation."

            Tohma smiled and looked up from the phonebook.  "Fair enough.  My house burned down."  He paused, and his smile lessened but did not disappear completely.  "Or rather, someone burned my house down."

            "Are you serious?"

            Tohma laughed.  "Did you not hear the 'arson' part of my claim?"

            "Hn, so what gave you the urge to come to my house to make your little phone calls?"

            "Where else would I go?"

            "Maybe a payphone?"

            Tohma shook his head.  "Wouldn't that be a tad inconvenient, since I don't have any change?"

            Yuki growled.  "Why the hell are you answering all my questions with your own questions?"

            "Would you like me to answer differently?"

            Shuichi snickered, and Tohma smiled at him, though his eyes wandered back to Yuki as the latter stood up angrily.

            "Fine, do what you want," he spat as he started off towards the back again.  "Just keep it down, okay?"

            "Oh!  Eiri-san!" Tohma called, stopping Yuki from disappearing into the dark hallway.  Yuki turned around agitatedly and grunted.  "When you say, 'do what you want,' would you, by any chance, mean—"

            "No!" Yuki barked.  "You are not staying here!"

            Tohma stood up now as well.  "Where else will I go?"

            "Do you think I care?  Go to a hotel, or something," Yuki muttered angrily.

            "But I don't have any money."

            "That's what banks are for."

            "Eiri-san," Tohma said softly, shifting his weight to his right foot and smirking dangerously.  "There are no banks open this late at night."

            "Then sleep in the studio."

            "My, you're being sour."

            Shuichi snickered again, though he knew it was the wrong thing to do immediately and swung his hands up to cover his mouth.  Yuki glared at him and began to approach, but Tohma stepped in front of him.

            "Just for a little while," Tohma said.  "I could sleep on the couch, if you have no extra room."

            "Forget it.  That's Shuichi's spot," Yuki replied.  Shuichi felt Tohma's eyes search him, and he turned his head ashamedly to the ground.  Apparently, Yuki seemed to want to make sure just everyone knew how screwed up their relationship really was.

            "It's a large couch," Tohma said.  He turned to Shuichi.  "Unless, of course, that would make you uncomfortable."

            Shuichi shook his head, still unwilling to look up at Tohma.

            "Well then, that's that, I suppose," Tohma said, returning to his seat by the phone.

            "W-wait," Yuki called, shaking his head slightly.  Tohma looked up at him and smiled.


            Yuki sighed and turned back into the hallway.  After he was completely out of sight, Tohma picked up the phone and began to dial.  He waited only a moment after dialing to speak.

            "Hello, Mika-san?  I'm sorry to call so late, but you'll never believe what happened to me this evening."