'TWAS THE ORDER OF PHOENIX
By Lady Lestrange
DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was written by JK Rowlings. No infringement of any kind is meant or implied. I receive no money for this fanfic. Love you JK.
A/N: This poem is a parody. It has MAJOR SPOILERS AND IF YOU HAVEN'T READ ORDER OF THE PHOENIX DON'T READ THIS. I love JK's work, but truly, I think she's better than what she did with Phoenix, so if you utterly LOVED Phoenix, you might be offended by this poem. Don't read it.
If you want to flame, go ahead. But be warned, Slytherins don't get mad, the get even.
JK, if you deign to read fanfic, Do better on book 6. We're counting on you. One of your biggest fans, Lady Lestrange
'Twas The Order of Phoenix, when all through the School
Came the news of a teacher called Umbridge the Fool.
Snape's now so giving, his thoughts he does share.
And Harry now hopes Umbridge decides to be fair.
Gryffindor detentions began with great dread
While JK tucked Snape all snug in his bed.
Albus with his Phoenix and Harry with no clue,
Could not imagine what Tom Riddle would do.
'Tho Ginny could tell him if he would but ask
The brave Gryffindor's just not up to that task.
He'd invade Harry's thoughts though what good would that be?
From what I can tell, there's nothing to see.
'Tho in the pensieve Harry sees through Snape's disguise
Poor Harry's not brave enough to apologize
And where has Harry's nemesis, Draco gone to be?
A line or two—Death Eater? No, The Ministry!
So away to the Ministry, where the brains do play;
Where fools and mysteries are both on display.
The veil hid the best of the book I'm sure,
We'll have to have Loony give us the tour.
And who is this girl who sees things from the dead
Who makes Rita Skeeter seem to be well-read?
So why didn't Harry see a Thestral horse?
In year one and two they weren't written, of course.
Because Harry did see death at one year old
He saw it over again with the Dementers I'm told
And what about Quirrel with his turbaned head?
When Volde left him, I thought he dropped dead.
Can't have Harry and Cho kissing, either. That's trash
Instead he'll tell Ron—on fanfic it'd be slash.
The Twins are the best with their extendable ears.
And the swamp should have long ago drowned Harry's fears.
Though some of the aurors of Phoenix were awesome it's true.
Some of them couldn't tell a house-elf what he should do
When what should I think, but these children will die
Here come the Death Eaters holding wands high.
Vastly out-numbered our intrepid trio will be,
To protect—WHAT! the prophecy of famed Trelawney.
And how did these children hold on so well
When trained wizards to the Death Eaters fell?
At least Voldemort stayed home, He sent Harry instead.
Then what should appear, but Volde, straight out of his head!
I thought the whole reason that Harry went there
Was to keep Volde safe but of the 'seeing' aware.
Harry says: Dark Lord's a title only Death Eaters say
But then, Both Cornelius and Albus, the Order betray.
But maybe Evil Dumbledore would have more appeal,
Because a stupid Dumbledore just didn't seem real.
Perhaps I just missed some monumental clue
But tell me, why didn't the aurors just use the floo?
Snape fearing Umbridge? I don't, for a moment, think so.
But the wizard Voldemort fears apparates exceedingly slow
And couldn't Dumbledore tell after the Maze of last year.
That Harry Potter was not prone to fits of fancy or fear.
So why a whole book based on Dumbledore's lie?
The "too young to know," theme just doesn't fly.
And what did he tell us that he should have already said?
If Harry didn't know, he must be brain dead.
And how many times did you read where Sirius fell,
Saying: "Did he die there? I just couldn't tell."
And why didn't Harry that mirror peruse
The one Sirius gave him, that he didn't use
I think I know, this fan says with a sigh
The true Harry Potter has already died.
'Twas the Order of Phoenix, and all through the land
Came the luster of Money just as she'd planned
Shunted old characters, or new ones, written up quick
And fans think I'm working three years? Are they sick?
It took me all of a day and half of the night.
With Editors breathing down my neck in their fright.
Then, she sprang to her broom, and went straight to the bank
Laughing as if it was just a Slytherin prank.
As she flew out of sight, I thought that I heard her speak.
"Don't worry. Next book, I'll write a whole week!"