Title: Just Enough (1/1)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I wished I owned the two Xanders' from "The Replacement" though. Buffy and friends are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, UPN, and whoever else has rights to the show.
Summary: It's short Xander POV. Just read.
Spoilers: I'm not good with eppy titles, but it's pretty much just some stuff I borrowed from season 5.
Distribution: My fic is your fic. Just let me know.
Feedback: Definitely!! Tell me if it sucked or if you liked it. Whatever. Just write back!
Authors Note: This takes place before "The Body", since I wrote it before that episode
Dedicated to Shawn. Happy BX b-day J
Hindsman Park is beautiful at night. The stars gleaming, contrasting almost blindingly against the hazy black sky. The warm Southern California air caressing my skin, both heating and cooling in a perfect mixture. The dewy grass beneath my bare feet.
I love this.
If Buffy weren't by my side I probably wouldn't have realized this aspect of this otherwise ordinary place, and I certainly wouldn't come back night after night if she didn't come with me. So we come to this, our spot, every night after her patrol, just to think. We don't even really talk, we just sit in comfortable silence.
Nobody knows that we do this. Come here. Not even Anya. It's just ours, mine and Buffy's. Something that nobody else in the word can touch. The one thing that belongs to just us, the only thing that I've ever really shared with Buffy.
Sometimes, well most times actually, when I'm supposed to be 'reflecting', as Buffy calls it, I just sit and watch her. If she knows, she doesn't say anything. She just sits, basking in the moonlight staring at the stars. I always wonder what she thinks about when she seems lost in them, but I never ask. When she gets like that I feel like my voice will just end the silent world of perfection that she created for herself. I'm always just content to watch her dwell in it for a few hours each night.
I've even caught her watching me. I'm just like her. I know when she's staring, but I don't say anything, I mostly keep my eyes focused ahead. I let her find whatever it is she's looking for in me and believe it. Just like she does with me. But I have to admit, a precious few times I have turned to meet her gaze. Those are the nights we spent just looking at each other, finding what we need in each other and taking it. It's like for these few hours that we sit here Buffy is mine. She wouldn't like the idea of ownership, but that doesn't change the fact. I belong to her, too, while we're here at least. I mean, a part of me always has and always will, but while we're in the park Buffy accepts it, covets it.
It's during these nights that I realize that I'll always be Buffy's even if on the most miniscule level. Sometimes when I wish my feelings for her were different I call myself sick for loving a woman who will never love me the way I've always wanted. Those are the times when we're fighting or I'm questioning her. I do that a lot while we're here, but she'll never know. Buffy will never know that I've come here with her as a friend, watched her sit in the moonlight until I hated her, and walked out of the park by her side more in love with her then I ever thought humanly possible. More than I should for someone who is just my best friend. But I've realized that it's…weird. My feelings for Buffy. It's the kind of thing that only makes sense when you say it in your mind and you know that you'd never be able to repeat it out loud and have it make any kind of sense.
I do know that I used to have a puppy love for her. An innocent childhood crush. But now, five years later, it's more. It's so much more. It's true. I know all there is to know about her. The good and the bad; I think I know even more about her than Willow, which was a weird crossing point for me personally. I was used to just knowing the superficial information, now I know the secrets that she has only repeated the one time to me, and she will not repeat them again to anyone else.
Yes, we exchange secrets. We're twenty and we make each other pinky swear on the big stuff. It feels good to get back to the way I was when I was a kid. I didn't know Buffy when she was a kid, but I like to think that while we're sitting here I get a glimpse of how she was, like we're bringing a degree of innocence back into our tainted lives. It feels even better that she trusts me beyond a shadow of a doubt, just like I trust her.
Sitting up here I've told her things about myself that I hadn't even told Willow. It's weird how Wills always got both of our secret stuffs, isn't it? I tell Buffy the things that tear me up inside day after day, and every night she makes them go away. She doesn't have to fight them physically, although I know that sometimes she wishes that she could. It's just how she listens to me, really listens and takes in every word; and how she asks and prods until I've said everything. Before we started doing this I had never figured Buffy as one who would look deeper into me and know when I was holding back, but that's just what she does. Her very presence stills something in me, chases my fears away, makes me breathe, and my heart beat.
I turn my gaze now from the sky to her and watch her contently, and after a moment I feel my lips curl into a small smile. I see Buffy glance at me out of the corner of her eye as I continue my dedicated study of her. She still doesn't turn completely to look at me, but I see her lips crack into a grin. I scoot as close as I can to her, sliding easily along the wet turf beneath me, only stopping when we are sitting side by side. I lean in as close as I can to her face, not touching, but just close enough to be annoying.
Even I get tired of silence sometimes.
I get no reaction, so I lean in even more until the tip of my nose is touching her cheek. And finally Buffy giggles and asks, "What are you doing Xander?"
"Trying to seduce you." I say matter-of-factly. This particular game started as a result of boredom, I don't remember whose. Too much quite makes even the most patient of us restless. Oh yeah, I remember…I started this. You now, just a little outlet under the guise of some platonic fun. I always tell myself that when Buffy lets me get this close to her face without hitting me. If Buffy needs 'Xander the girl interchangeable brother type', then I can do that. If she needs some lighthearted flirting that won't lead to anything, I can do that too. I'll be anything for her, anything she needs.
"Is it working?" I ask, my nose still against her cheek. "Am I wooing you with my irresistibly manly Xanderish charms?"
"Oh yeah. I want on." Buffy joked back, still not looking at me.
"In the middle of the park? Kinky." I laugh, pulling away from her, "I like kinky."
Buffy pushes my shoulder in response and I fall on my side melodramatically and play dead. I open my eyes a little to see Buffy crawling towards me, just the reaction I was hoping for, and I clench them shut again. I feel her straddle my stomach and say menacingly, "I'll give you something to play dead about."
I love being this close to her. The whole world fades away when we're like this. It's times like these that make me hope for the impossible. That maybe someday Buffy will want me. But at the same time whenever I think that I want that now, I wonder if I would want things to change between us. I wonder if I want Buffy the way that I want to want Buffy.
I open my eyes before I dwell on that anymore. I don't like thinking about not wanting her any more then I like thinking about wanting her and not having her. When I see the look in her eyes though, more important issues come to mind because I can see what is coming next.
"Nonononononononononono!!!!!!" I laugh out in rapid succession.
That doesn't stop her. Why do I always think begging will stop a Slayer?
She starts tickling me unmercifully as I squirm on the ground, my head tossing form side to side while I try to dislodge her from my body. Buffy's laughter breaks through the still night with my cries as I struggle, with no avail, to get up.
I love making her laugh. Watching her clear blue-green eyes light up, and the finest of lines form on her cheeks. I love knowing that I am responsible for making her feel that way. "Can't…breathe." I strangle out in a fit of laughter as the assault continues.
I finally gain enough strength to control my arms at reach up to tickle her back. I know Buffy's ticklish riiiggghtttt….there.
"Ahhhhh!!!!" her high pitched shriek rises above the laughter as my hands hit her sides just above her waist. This gives me the opportunity to roll her off of me and gain my breath as we lay side by side in the grass, looking at the sky again.
It's beautiful. What we've created for ourselves here in the early hours of the morning in the middle of Hindsman Park. Just me and my best friend. The girl I've watched grow up. The woman who I trust with everything I am. The owner of my heart, even though she never expressed an interest in the property.
This is the most perfect time of my day. In my life. I wouldn't change it for anything.