Unattainable

Chapter 3

rating pg-13

disclaimer: Matantei Loki Ragnarok does not belong me. The song is from TaTu... "All the things she said."

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All the things she said

All the things she said

Running through my head

All the things she said

All the things she said

Running through my head

This is not enough

I wonder when things began to go awry. She had been my dream. My hope. How was I supposed to know that the future would turn out like this? I look at her, holding him tenderly, when it should have been me. I was the one who had watched her for so many years. Guided her with an invisible hand in hopes that she would slowly, but surely fall in love with me. Wasn't that the dream of every man? To find the girl who made one's blood rush and made tender, protective feelings surface? I wanted to rage and cry out to the gods. Ironically, you fell for one. How could I compare to him?

I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost

If I'm asking for help it's only because

Being with you has opened my eyes

Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?

I think I remember the first time I saw you outside of school. It was really difficult to pinpoint your favorite hangout spots. Especially since you were not close with the rest of the high school girls. Ironically, the source of information that I had relied on was the one that trapped me from reaching you. As a result, for an interminable amount of time, I was unable to spend time with you. I felt bitter, but willing to bear with it, since you did not seem to have any inclinations toward my gender. Still, I couldn't believe my luck when I met you at my family's private art gallery. Who would have thought that a simple thing as a mystery would bring you to me? I was thankful to see you, although the circumstance was not ideal. Your simple zest at life renewed my hopes to attain you. To be able to hold you whenever I wanted to. Though that privilege belongs to him. Still, some of the comments you made, although clichéd, opened my mind to see life in a more simplistic, yet optimistic manner. I fell in love with a paradox. A clueless one at that.

I keep asking myself, wondering how

I keep closing my eyes

But I can't block you out

Wanna fly to a place where

It's just you and me

Nobody else so we can be free

You belong to him now. Yet, I still cannot help but cling onto the hope that you would look my way as you look at him. That gentle, loving smile that has matured over the years. When I sleep, I see you holding me, looking at me with those sparkling ruby eyes, glazed with passion. I see you holding his hands, and when I dream, it is mine. I know it is hopeless. I must find a woman to bear the next Kakinouchi heir. But, it feels impossible. No one can live up to you. I want my child to have pink hair, or crimson eyes that sparkle with joy. If only he did not appear in the picture. If you never met him and involved me instead in your mystery hunting. If only I had not been so proud. I would be the one holding you close, being gifted with your precious self. And this life would have meaning. I wish I can set you free from him. But I know that you love him. You would not leave him, had I offered you the most extravagant creature comforts.

All the things she said

All the things she said

Running through my head

All the things she said

All the things she said

Running through my head

This is not enough

This is not enough

All the things she said

All the things she said

"Kakinouchi san. Thank you for coming. Your friendship has been very precious to me. And I am very happy that I know you. Thank you for coming," you said with happy tears spilling from your unique eyes.

It was your wedding day. The day that all women dreamed of. The day I dreamed of, with you as my bride. Strangely, I expected gaudy and grotesque decorations, but he has calmed your thirst for the strange, unsolved objects and mysteries. Rose petals line the aisles and the temple has an ethereal quality. It was a tiny gathering of people that you and him had invited. A part of me wished that I wasn't on the guest list. Then I wouldn't have to suffer like this. I wouldn't have to see you kiss another man and promise your life to his. But, I couldn't help but come. Perhaps a masochistic streak is revealing itself as I watch you. Even when it feels like a thousand needles are slowly driven into my body as you look at him with an aching softness and hope.

And I'm all mixed up

feeling cornered and rushed

They say it's my fault but I want her so much

I look at him in anger and jealousy. I have always attained all I have ever wanted. After, money is power. And my family has tons of it. Tabloids have posted that we are sinfully wealthy and there is no end to the prestige of the Kakinouchi name. Yet, I could not buy her. She is slowly walking down the aisle, toward her intended holding her father's arm. I couldn't do a single thing about it and I am torn. She loved him. However, I wanted to run up to her, and drag her away. She should have been mine. I was the one who had suffered and loved her. Yet she was marrying him, a god who shouldn't have been alive.

Wanna fly her away where the sun and the rain

Come in over my face,

wash away all the shame

Crazy thoughts began to form as the distance between the two shortened. Would it be wrong to kidnap her at her own wedding and hide out in some cave where no one can see or know? Where I can see her and hold her forever? Her eyes would condemn me at first, but she would forgive me over time. Like all love stories that have happy endings. And over time, she was fall in love with me even in her captivity.

When they stop and stare-don't worry me

'Cause I'm feeling for her

what she's feeling for me

And even though, my family would come after me. When they demand that I return and take my place at the head of the Kakinouchi Corporation. I would turn my head and look only at her. She would look at me with those same soft eyes and embrace me tenderly. At this, I would whisper loving little nothings in her ears and we would be together always. The world would mean nothing to us.

"You may now kiss the bride."

I look up startled. Was it over already? Had I lost my chance? They lean closer to each other. He has a tender look that I have never seen before and he gently kisses her on the lips. Her eyes are blissfully closed, with happy tears leaking out like diamonds sparkling in the sun. I turn away and leave the wedding. How can I bear to look at her now? He has complete dominance over her now. She belongs to him in the eyes of the world as well as in the spiritual sense.

I can try to pretend, I can try to forget

But it's driving me mad, going out of my head

Months pass, and I sink deeper and deeper into oblivion. I hear that you are pregnant. That he is ecstatic and showers you with gifts. He can since he is a god. My closest friend is the alcohol that rushes through my system. I can forget for a little bit when I am in a drunken stupor. In my stupor, I can dream that you are mine, even when I know in my heart; you were always his. I can dream about when we were still in high school and you were innocent. A time when you would look at me because of my wealth and he was only a child, restricted in power. Who would have thought that he would relinquish his quest to return to the world of gods to stay with you? Why did he have to be that man who made your head spin that time we went to the bakery? Even in my dreams of the past, he is there haunting me. Laughing at me for having attained something I have wanted for so long.

Mother looking at me

Tell me what do you see?

Yes, I've lost my mind

"Sir, your mother wishes to speak with you."

"Go away old man. I do not wish to see her," I lash out on the messenger. How dare he interrupt me in my dreams? It is the only place where I can be with her and imagine her without him.

"Kou chan."

I wince. That is what he always called me. I blearily lift my eyes to see the figure of a woman and I glare at her, refusing to answer.

"Kou chan. What is wrong dear? You haven't been yourself. Drinking like this..." His mother clucked disapprovingly. "You are the heir of the Kakinouchi Corporation. You cannot be doing this!"

"Shut up," I whisper cruelly. "Just shut up! Go away! Curse you for bearing me! It's your fault I could not have her. Just leave!" I scream at her bitterly.

Shocked, she whirls around and slams the door. I can hear her ordering the servant to never allow me to drink alcohol ever again. I smile a twisted heartless smile. It doesn't matter what she does. I will always win over her at least.

Daddy looking at me

Will I ever be free?

Have I crossed the line?

"Koutarou Kakinouchi."

"Yes Father," I answer dutifully. I am sober now. Unfortunately.



"I am sending you to New York until you get over this silly obsession over a married woman. You are going there to meet your fiancée," He commanded coolly. His piercing gray eyes raked over my rumpled form. "You are simply pathetic. I did not raise you to be a slob. You have simply overdone it." He turns away to look at the stunning view of the city from the high-rise office. "You are dismissed."

I walk away, tears clouding my vision. As I softly close the door behind me I hear one last word from my father.

"Pathetic."

All the things she said

All the things she said

Running through my head....

The plane is ascending. I have lost her. She was never mind to begin with. I wept.

Mayura.

Thank you for reading! :)