TRISTAN & ISOLDE
Music: Eternal Darkness ~ The Gift of Forever
Oookay… This is a pitiful comedy I wrote after I read Tristan & Isolde. I don't think it's a good one, but give it a shot anyway. Somehow all this weird stuff popped into my head and I wrote it down obediently. Anyhow, this story is dedicated to those wonderful people, who kindly reviewed "The Tree Dilemma!" Thank you reviewers!!
Yeah, well, some of the characters have the names of the real story, but they're still characters from SSBM. E.g. Link represents Tristan: everyone calls him Tristan, but he wants to be Link.
Dustclaimer: My dog.
Once, in a faraway land, where the air was high and the mountains pure, where the grass ran freely in the forest and many fairytale-creatures were green, lived fearless knights who saved princesses for work. That place, it was the beautiful island of Logres.
On that island, a good and righteous King, Marth Lowell and his twelve knights of the round table lived (Actually there were thirteen knights in the beginning, but one of them fell over and hurt his ankle. Now his chair is for rent. If interested, call: 1111-MARTHRULZ). The young King was beloved by all, except those who didn't like him, and he had done many great things for Logres. He had founded the Knights of the Round Table, returned peace after the war and invented the bike that moved backwards.
He had also married the beautiful princess Zelda, who was known as a "rave babe." There were rumours that he had been found sleeping next to a ruby-eyed young man multiple times, but no one knew if it was true or just a story someone jealous had made up.
In the western parts of Logres, Lord Ganondorf lived with his nephew, Link… I mean Tristan. The boy was a great singer and could play his ocarina better than anyone in the whole country. (Historian's note: There was one guy, named Joe the Poe, who was a better ocarina player than Tristan, but he was dead, so they didn't count him and Tristan got his glory.)
However, Ganondorf loved listening to the playing of the young man, he could do it for hours, which made Tristan's hands hurt. He could've listened to it 24:7, but Tristan always collapsed of lack of lungpower at some time.
The Gerudo King had found the boy living in a forest seven years ago and raised him as his own son. Tristan knew his relatives, but preferred Ganondorf's company. The man had brought him up to be one of the worthiest knights of his court.
"I have a problem! Can I ask you for a favour?" The Gerudo King asked once.
"Of course you can! I'll do anything for you!" Tristan said cheerfully.
"Thank you! You're such a good lad!" Ganondorf patted the boy on his shoulder before turning around and starting to tell him about the horrible Bowser, who came to him every seven years, demanding seventeen cakes. If someone dared to face him alone and would win, he'd never come back. When the Gerudo didn't get a recognisable answer he turned around to look at what the boy was doing.
"This is no time to be napping, young man!" Ganondorf snapped and kicked Tristan, who lied on the floor in a very painful-looking stance. He mumbled: "Youngsters these days, always trying to feel comfortable… It was different in my time, when I was young if my father told me to be brisk and fearless, I was. Back then we didn't ask why, we obeyed our parents."
"But you hit--"
"Now, go, and bring me the head of Bowser!"
"You don't want the cake!?" Tristan looked at his uncle with wide eyes.
"Of course I want the cake! I was trying to sound… whatever. Just go!" Ganondorf commanded his nephew. When the boy had gone, he turned to look outside the window. "In my time we never questioned those who were older. If someone asked us to bring home a head, we brought it without questions, yes that's what we did…."
Tristan walked to the field, wearing a green tunic. His hat was flapping in the wind, making him look like a warrior from some old painting. He took his sword and looked into the distance, waiting for his foe to appear.
"Hey, kiddo." He heard a derisive voice. "I'm behind you."
"Oh." Tristan turned around and took his pose again, this time his bangs disturbing his view. "Could you kindly go there so that I would look cool again?" The youngster pointed behind him.
"Uh, okay." Bowser marched past him and went standing on the spot he had pointed.
"Thanks. I do this for the fans, you know?"
"Yeah, I know."
"And for Ganondorf, he always says that this is my better sid--"
"Can we get this over with?" Bowser said, annoyed. "I've got fifteen other guys to terrify as well."
"..Uh… Okay." Tristan said and rushed at the turtle, who did a smash and tossed him on the ground with small wound on his cheek. Link stood up quickly, feeling the wound aching on his cheek… Did I say Link? I meant Tristan.
"MWAHHAHAHAHAHA!" The giant turtle started to laugh. "My claws are dipped in poison, soon you'll be dead! MWAHAHHAA! And the only one able to heal you is my prisoner, Peach, who loves me and would never heal you!"
"Mynthon!" Tristan ran at him again, getting ready to slash.
"Why'd you shout 'Mynthon?' That's so dumb! Something like Geronimo or Bowser or Wunderbaum would be so much more dramatic!"
"I just took a Mynthon!" The boy slashed him two times on his face, drawing a capital T between his eyes.
"Aaah! My beautiful face! Aaahh!!" Bowser screamed as he fell on his knees and died, blood colouring the ground around him red. Tristan looked at him with a pitying look, but didn't do anything. Then he turned around and walked away.
He got ready for the trip to the Castle of Peach. He dressed as a Kokiri to make the princess wonder where he'd come from and left his uncle's castle.
"In a yellow submarine I am flying,
what a glorious feeling, but I
let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be…" Tristan sang as he walked along the road to the castle of Peach (Though Link… I mean Tristan was a wonderful player with his ocarina, his songs are a mystery to people even today. They've inspired thousands of singers, as you can see). If Peach truly loved the dead Bowser, he'd need to act as someone who would've never met the koopa.
He arrived to the Castle and played one of the most beautiful songs he has ever played. A beautiful lady put her head out of the window to see who was the one who could play so wonderfully the birds had fainted. She spotted Tristan and shook hands with him.
"Hey, there? Who do you think you are?"
"I am a Kokiri, called Link, but everyone calls me Tristan for some weird reason, bitten by that boy sitting on that bench!" The youngster pointed at a green haired boy, who ate his ice cream looking completely happy. Peach lifted her eyebrow.
"And he stole my ice cream!" Tristan sobbed a little.
"Oh, my god! How could he do that!?" The princess tossed her hair out of the window. "Use my hair, when you climb up!"
"Oh, thanks, but I'd love to go through the chimney, if you just have one." The boy touched Peach's hair and had realised it was coloured.
"No, we don't. You'll need to use the door."
"I've heard of such a thing…" The boy in green started thinking very hard, rubbing his temples and repeating 'door.'
"It's the brown thing in front of you." Peach ascertained, but gasped when Tristan fell on his knees, groaning in pain. "Oh, are you alright?" She said and climbed out of the window.
Tristan groaned and collapsed…
Tristan… Tristan… wake up! There's a beautiful lady with you alone in the room! I'm your subconscious and I command you to act! You'll finally get rid of your virginity!
How did you know I'm a virgin!?
Hello!! I'm your subconscious!! Now, wake up!
"No… Link is my name."
"He's suffering from a slight loss of memory." A doctor's voice said.
"Tristan!" Peach shook him from his shoulders.
"Where's a link?" the princess looked around her.
"…oh no…" Tristan groaned.
"Listen. You're now healed. You can recover here in the castle if you play your ocarina to us."
"Oh, I will." Tristan said, enchanted by the beauty of the princess.
And so Natsirt stayed in the castle, *burp* …sorry, in the care of the beautiful Peach. But he sent an e-mail to inform his uncle that he wanted to stay there and told Ganondorf about the unbelievably pretty princess. The Gerudo King had thought of getting married for a long time, so he sent an e-mail to the Queen's guard who sent it to his superior, who sent it to his mother, who spoke about it in a shop and then a maid heard it and told it to the Queen. The Queen was happy to hear that someone as remarkable as Ganondorf wanted to marry her daughter and started to make a deal with the Gerudo. She thought that she'd keep the proposal as a secret before it was certain and then tell the happy news to Peach.
Meanwhile Tristan and Peach grew fond of each other. They spent all of their time together, speaking of all kinds of things. They went sailing together, ate together, and were like a pineapple and a coconut. (Don't ask, please.) The Queen realised this, but let the youngsters be together, still keeping the deal as a secret.
The body of Bowser was brought to the castle, already rotting and stinking. Peach, Tristan and the Queen, who appears to have no name, gathered around the dead turtle. The princess and the Queen both started sobbing and Tristan stared blankly in front of him, realising that he had caused the pain of his beloved blonde.
"I vow revenge upon the one who did this!" Peach said through her tears.
"Me too!" The Queen cried.
"I'll kill the one who did this by my own bare hands!"
"I'm running out of imagination!"
"I did it before you started!"
"Um…Peach?" Tristan dared to ask finally.
"Yeah?" The princess turned to look at him dramatically, throwing her hair back.
"Weren't you a prisoner? Because if you were, you should be happy that he's dead…"
"Huh…? Oh, yeah, I was a prisoner. But, I already promised to kill the one who killed him, so it can't be helped."
"What's this?" The Queen said, pointing at the capital T between Bowser's eyes.
"A T?" Tristan suggested.
"So the one who killed him had a name beginning with T…" Peach said, wondering. "Didn't Tarzan use that when he fought against windmills?"
"Oh, silly princess! That's just a legend!" The Queen snapped. "Well, guards, take him away. He smells really bad."
Peach sobbed slightly, royally, as she said her final good byes to the koopa at the burial. Right before the turtle king was laid to rest, she saw a mynthon stuck on his stomach and ripped it off, explaining to everyone that she was investigating a death. She decided to use it as evidence to discover the one who had mutilated his kidnapper's face and killed him.
One afternoon, the princess and Tristan were having a walk in the beautiful garden of the castle when she suddenly couldn't speak any more. Her voice was gone and her throat was sore. She waved to Lintan to go back to the castle, but the boy decided to stay.
"Here, have a mynthon", Tristan offered kindly. To Peach's horror, those mynthon's were the same taste as the one she had found on Bowser abdomen. She felt a limp in her throat, tears in her eyes. This boy, who she loved so incredibly much, was the one who'd killed her kidnapper. She took the mynthon, but felt how her heart crumbled. It had been Tristan.
She didn't have a choice. She had promised upon the koopa's body to kill the one who killed him. But the thought of killing Tristan was a horrible one. She loved him so much that I, the storyteller, can't even describe it. Finally, after three long nights of staying up, she figured out how to do it. She would first kill Antitris and then herself.
Peach decided to make them both drink poisoned wine and die together, like lovers should. She went to her loyal servant and the best cook in the whole Logres.
"Yes-a, Your Highness?"
"I finally know who killed Bowser. It was Tristan." She tried to stop her tears but couldn't help it. "I… I wish that you poison the wine we are drinking today so that we can die together." Then she ran off wailing in her agony like a poe.
"You're just-a playing hard to get, my princess. Sweet love potion is what you two need-a, no, Luigi?"
"You are right!" And so the two plumbers… eh… cooks made love potion and mixed it with the wine.
At dinner Peach held her tears back as a servant poured the red wine in their goblets. They had a toast for Tristan's health and drank the wine, suddenly feeling something new, something so wonderful they had never felt it before. It was such a powerful love and passion they couldn't stand it and let their hearts guide them. Nothing mattered anymore. Only that they were be together.
At the same time, Ganondorf's messenger's came to the castle to tell the princess the wonderful news of getting married. The Queen, who was still nameless, fetched the princess and the boy, who were barely dressed. Peach almost fainted when she heard the news and Tristan's mouth opened wide in surprise.
When they were at Ganondorf's castle, they couldn't be apart. Every night Tristan went to Peach's chambers and sneaked out before sunrise. Once, however, the Gerudo King was on his way to the bathroom, when he saw light in Peach's window and heard somebodies speak. He was shocked that his bride was already spending her time with someone at night although they weren't even married yet. He clenched his fists and decided to put Peach to a test. She would need to answer a few questions (Worth 200, 500 and 1000 and she could use 50/50) to him and swim in a pool of sharks. The sharks wouldn't bite her if she was being truthful and not afraid of them.
The two lovers used all kinds of tricks to fool Ganondorf and Peach answered all the questions correctly. And so went on the secret fair of the two, under the eyes of Tristan's uncle.
They went to the forest to be alone and one time, Ganondorf was on a walk there too. He saw the two kissing passionately in the grass and stabbed Tristan on his back when he was so mad. Because of Peach's incredible healing powers, he healed and they couldn't stop cuddling together.
On a beautiful day on a river bench the two lovers fell on the sand, embracing each other into a passionate yet loving kiss. Soon they had both lost their clothes and couldn't hear the sneaking Ganondorf coming to their way. He found them, lying naked on the beach, making love to each other. This was what he couldn't stand anymore. He banished his own nephew cruelly, wanting to have Peach all to himself. (Well, I don't blame him, considering that Peach was actually his wife.)
Trissie cried a bit, but accepted his fate and left the castle, feeling bittersweet to need to leave his beloved. He knew he could never love anyone else and told the Queen that if Ganondorf died, he'd come back and then they could be eternally together.
He did many great deeds, like killed many dragons, hunted down the merry men of Robin Hood (Who invented the hood) and still never learned to ride a horse backwards. During his travels, he met the King Marth, who ruled the land of Logres.
"Welcome to my castle, Sir Tristan. I've heard many storied about you." Marth said, his wonderful wife sitting next to him and smiling gently.
"Thank you. Do you have anything for me to do?"
"Well, you're a recognisable swordsman…"
"How did you know?"
"A ruler knows." The King said calmly.
"What's a ruler's nose got to do with anything?"
"I… whatever. Would you like to join my knights? I've got one chair for rent at the moment."
"If I just don't need to pay the rent." Tristan said, thinking about his beloved Peach.
"I'll pay it for you." The Queen said with a kind smile.
So Tristan joined the Knights of the Round Table, but couldn't find any solace. He kept travelling and rescuing beautiful maidens, but it was no help. He couldn't be a second without thinking of his beloved.
Once he travelled to Brinstar and met a maiden with very extraordinary clothes. (If you could call them clothes.) She was called Peach of the Weird Clothes. They held hands and got married, but Tristan never loved her. His heart belonged to Peach and Peach only. He wanted to get away from her when she got too close, like newly weds usually get and set off to fight a dinosaur.
The fight was brutal, blood flowed and sweat glittered on Tristan's well-shaped body. They fought for hours, but finally NeoTristan prevailed, but collapsed of his wounds. He was brought to Samus… I mean Peach of the Weird Clothes and many healers tried to cure him.
None of them could do it. He was slowly dying of his wounds and sent and e-mail to Peach, knowing that she was the only one who would be able to cure him. He said in the e-mail that the ship should hoist white sails if his beloved was on board, black with a pirate skull on it if they had decided to rob their castle and red if Peach was not on board.
Peach of the Weird Clothes had heard rumours of the two lovers, how Trink had been banished from his uncle's castle because of their love and was jealous. She was sitting on Tristan's bed when a servant came in and told that a ship was sailing to their harbour. She ran to the castle tower and saw the billowed white sails. She felt how jealousy gnawed her heart, when she walked back to the weakening Tristan.
"What…colour were…the sails?" The boy asked, his voice frail.
"They were as red as blood." Samus replied and Trissie died of a broken heart on his bed. As a lover of art, Peach of the Weird Clothes put a rose in his hands and admired her work.
"…Beautiful… So beautiful…" She said when she walked away.
As Peach came to the castle and saw her beloved Tristan dead, she fell on her knees, crying in her agony
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" And so she died of lack of lungpower.
This is the end of the story of those two lovers, as sad as it is, I hope I have amused you for a little while. Gladly they met in heaven and both fell down, but that… is a totally different story. MWAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA! (Hey, come on, every story has a stupid joke in the end! And this isn't even a joke!)
Link: I want to meet the one who wrote this!
Bowser: Me too!
Marth: You both too?
Link: What're you doing here?
Marth: I'm here because of "The Tree Dilemma." I've been waiting for DMC to come back to review it for god knows how long…
Er… you have feedback? I'm… uh… the secretary… yeah, the secretary…
Bowser: Yeah, I want a sequel! I had such a small role and worst of all, LINK killed me!
Link: And I want to beat the crap out of DMC! That's my feedback!
Please, give me nicer feedback than Bowser and Link! Thanks for reading!