Title: Slashing Snape

Author: Lilo2823

Rating: PG


Author's Note: Shout outs to Sharon Steenburg and Kim R., who beta'd this for me.

Disclaimer: They're not mine - I'm just messing with them 'til I'm told not to.

Summary: A random thought that passed through my sleep-starved brain: Snape discovers he's the subject of fanfic, most of it slash.

Slashing Snape

By Lilo2823

Severus Snape was walking quickly to his dungeon office when he noticed a group of female students flocked together, giggling and looking at a piece of parchment. As he was a seasoned teacher, he found this behavior common, although annoying. Hearing his approach, several of the girls looked up and began to giggle anew. This made the rest of the group look up and, seeing it was him (or so it appeared), began to giggle all over again.

Snape sighed inwardly. He was about to let them be, as he never enjoyed talking to female students (there was no point, really), but after he had passed and was almost out of earshot, one of them whispered loudly "Did you see? Could you tell?" He stopped in his tracks and the giggling abruptly ended.

He swung on his heel and headed back towards them. This time there was no giggling, but a mixed sense of fear, intimidation, and... anticipation? When he stopped in front of them, they appeared to lean in towards him, and Snape was momentarily taken aback, though he didn't give it away.

"What are you girls clustered around here for? It's a perfect spring afternoon... why aren't you all outside?"

One of the girls nearest to him whispered, "We were just... waiting." They broke into a fresh fit of giggles, and Snape scowled.

"What are you waiting for?" he snapped. It really was annoying him, this giggling and blushing.

The same girl spoke. "Um... for a teacher." More giggles.

"Which teacher?"

"What is going on here?" Minerva McGonagall strode towards them.

"Professor McGonagall, of course," said the apparent leader. Giggles.

Snape didn't buy this one bit. McGonagall's office was on a different floor. Actually, the only office in the vicinity was... his?

Snape's scowl deepened. "Then why aren't you at her office? Or her classroom? The obvious places to catch her?"

The spokesgirl for the group, a dark haired Gryffindor 6th year named Sarah something-or-another who, unfortunately, had scraped up enough points to make it into his NEWT-level class, spoke again. "Erm... we knew she had gone to the..."

"Teacher's lounge..." piped a 4th year Hufflepuff.

"...teacher's lounge, so she'd be heading this way, and we wanted to talk about..."

"The final exam..." said a 6th year Ravenclaw.

"And the NEWTs!" said a 7th year Gryffindor.

"Yeah, we wanted to talk to Professor McGonagall-" more giggling - "about the upcoming examinations."

"Well, Severus, they've found me, so no harm done," McGonagall gave them an unusually indulgent smile and was about to shepherd them to her office when Snape stopped her.

"Well, then, Minerva, what was it they tried to see? One of them (I don't know which) asked if they saw something. I heard her."

He could hear more than a couple of breathes catching in throats, and he waited for McGonagall, whom he could tell was doing some fast thinking. What was going on here?

"Well..." she began,

"I was asking them if they saw Professor McGonagall yet," said a 6th year Hufflepuff.

"See, Severus? They were looking out for me. So..." McGonagall turned her back on Snape's ever deepening scowl and addressed the girls. "Let's go to my office and we'll discuss the examinations, shall we?"

A chorus of "Oh, yes!" and "Yes, thank you,"'s were heard from the group, and then, en masse, they enveloped McGonagall and swept down the hall towards her office.

Snape watched after them, certain that he was missing something when he noticed quite a few of the girls looking back at him and waving.

When they disappeared around the corner he turned and was about to head towards his office when he noticed the parchment on the floor. One of the girls must have dropped it.

"Accio parchment."

The paper flew through the air and into his open palm. It appeared blank, but Snape knew better. He held his wand to it but then decided to wait till he was in the comfort of his office, away from the silly giggling girls. He started off quicker than he could make appear natural, and in the space of a few moments was magically unlocking his office door.

He sat down at his desk and put the paper in front of him. He gingerly touched his wand to it. "Reveal yourself," he uttered softly.

Swooping, fat lettering appeared in hot pink glitter ink. 'The Snape Chronicles' read the heading. Snape blinked and then unconsciously widened his eyes.

A table of contents revealed more than 25 titles, with short descriptions and what could only be covert pen names. Also a type of rating code similar to what he knew muggles used for their motion pictures. Letters separated by slash must represent names, since all of them had SS on either side of the slash.

Severus noticed that his breathing was irregular and forced himself to calm down. They were writing stories about him. Stories that had various ratings, including...? He looked through the list. There were a few Rs, but most of them were PG or PG13. And, an NC-17? His back stiffened. What on earth could they possibly write about? He touched one of the R rated stories with his wand and the parchment went blank for a moment before it became taken up by the story that he had just selected.

"Coming Into His Own" was the title of this particular story, written by one Mary Contrary. The pairing was indeed Snape with... with...

"REMUS LUPIN?!" he cried, jumping to he feet. What the devil were they playing at?

He was about to take the parchment to Dumbledore when he stopped for a moment and realized that he should read it first. Just to see what this Mary had him doing.

Snape slowly lowered himself into his chair, shuddering at the thought of someone pairing him with one of his childhood tormentors. He picked up the parchment and, still unsettled, began reading.

An hour later Snape was still reading, having finished this little... 'ficlet' the author called it? and going through the rest when there was a knock on the door and Minerva McGonagall entered. She smiled when she saw the parchment in his hands.

"So, you knew that this was going on, Minerva? They've paired me with everybody but that little whining ghost in the girl's loo."

She chucked. "Actually..." she started, but stopped at the look in his eyes. "Severus, you should be flattered by this."

He looked at her intently before speaking. "There's one in here that pairs me with Sirius Black, one with a grown up Harry Potter, but most of them, if not the rest, have me with-"

"Remus Lupin, Severus. I know." McGonagall said softly, and conjured a chair facing his.

"Why?" Snape asked shortly

"It's a form of flattery that actually is fairly recent. They used to pair their favorite teachers, celebrities, sports figures - you name it - with pretty women usually based on their self-descriptions. That or other teachers, celebrities, or sports figures. This whole slash genre started with you, truth be told."

"Why?" Snape asked again.

McGonagall sighed. "Most often, they can't bear the thought of you with someone other than themselves. So it's safer and, for some, more satisfying to pair you with a male. Almost gratuitous, in some instances..." she glanced at the title with the NC-17. "Similar to men being aroused by watching women be with other women. And Remus, well, other than his werewolf condition, he's an ideal mate for you. He balances out your, shall we say, quirks."

Snape merely looked at her. "Why me?" he asked.

McGonagall smiled at him, her eyes twinkling. "Severus," she began, "you are the most popular male teacher in the school."

Snape pulled back as though punched in slow motion. "What?"

McGonagall chuckled, "Not since Dumbledore, have so many stories been written. Truth be told, your stories have outnumbered his 3 to 1." McGonagall leaned in and put her hand on his arm. "I think this genre of storytelling has helped, it's certainly allowed much more freedom for the author to explore. But the girls like you a great deal."

"I don't scare them? Put them off?"

"Yes, you scare them a little. That's part of the appeal, I think."

"It is?"

McGonagall smiled. "It's part of your mystery. You're a tortured soul, lashing out, venting. Needing to be healed."

Snape blinked a few times. "No."



"Yes." McGonagal sighed, as though trying to explain a simple transfiguration spell to a muggle. "Severus, to put this in perspective... For every one story written about Gilderoy Lockhart, there are roughly 25 about you."

Snape looked at her-he couldn't believe this. They were all attracted to him? Those... packs of female students roaming the halls... were drawn to him? And they would rather envision him with a man than a woman other than themselves? This was overloading his brain. Finally, the thought that most bothered him slipped out...

"Where the hell were they when I was in school?"

McGonagall chuckled as she rose to her feet. "They were there, Severus, waiting for you to ask them out. Waiting for you to notice them. Now, I must be going. I just wanted to have this little chat with you before tackling that huge pile of homework I collected." She patted his arm again as he looked through the story he had been reading when she entered.

"More than Lockhart?" he asked, as though unable to comprehend this.

"More than Lockhart. The consensus is that he was only pomp and flash. Shallow. You, on the other hand, are deep and brooding."

He returned his attention to the parchment. "They knew I went to school with Harry Potter's father and Lupin and Black, that Lucius Malfoy is older than me by about five years, that I kept to myself..."

"They usually do their homework. They wanted to do you justice. You should hear the debates they have."

"Merlin's beard, if they put that much effort in their Potions homework, they'd be astounding," he whispered to himself.

"Yes, well, that much is true." McGonagall headed for the door.


"Yes, Severus?"

"Erm... that group of girls... what were they looking for? What were they trying to see?"

McGonagal paused before answering, weighing her words carefully. "Severus, you were that age not that long ago, it seems. What would you have been trying to spy?"

Snape narrowed his eyes for an instant before they widened with a suddenness that left McGonagal chuckling again.

"But with the robes... how could they possibly hope to see...?"

"You'd be amazed what one can make out when one is determined enough, Severus." As she was about to leave, she stopped and turned back to Snape, who was reading the stories with a renewed interest, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, and a slight blush coloring his cheeks. "You know, Severus..."

Snape looked up, relief in every inch of his face. "Yes, Minerva."

"I was thinking, if you REALLY wanted to make things interesting, you could try washing your hair a little extra tomorrow morning. Not that I think you don't," she added hastily as his face started to fall with her suggestion. "It's just that, well, I think you'd knock them off their feet." She started to close the door behind her. "More so than you've already done."

The door shut with a small click and Severus Snape was alone with the parchment still before him. As he thought about what McGonagall said, he unconsciously looked at his reflection in the glass of his cupboard door and played a little with his hair.

"Maybe an extra washing couldn't hurt..."

And he looked forward to the next morning's classes.


Feedback at lilo2823@yahoo.com is appreciated.