Author: I don't legally own Sephiroth, Vincent, Link, Dante, Kain, Legolas, or Kuja. or do I? Mwahahahahaha!!! (Slaps self) Ehem, excuse me.

Sephiroth and Vincent and everyone else: Help us! Let us out of this cage! It's really small!

Author: SILENCE! (Pokes inside the cage with a stick) Now be good, then I might let you all get out and have some exercise later.(Evil grin) in my room. Mwahahaha! On with the fic!


It was morning in Midgar. Aeris Gainsborough is in her kitchen baking a round cake for her birthday. Sephiroth is sitting in the corner with a shock collar on and bound with heavy chains. The Ancients as their way of saying thank you revived Aeris for saving the planet from meteor. Unfortunately, they also made her take care of Sephiroth. He sat there, glaring at her in her pink petite dress as she put the cake in her oven, humming a sweet tune all the while. After setting the timer, she walked over and sat in the chair in front of Sephiroth and looked at him with a smile.

"It's my birthday today, Sephiroth, what would you like to do today, any ideas?" Aeris asked with the smile she had on her face.

"Kill you and everything else! I'll do it! I shall kill - AHHHGGHHAHHHGHHH!!!" Sephiroth began howling in pain as shocking waves of pain shot through his body, Aeris had pushed the button on the remote for his shock collar. She began to shake her head in disappointment.

"Tsk, tsk, Sephiroth. You need to be a bit friendlier to someone who's turning 23. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE A WOMAN! Do you want to go watch that 24-hour marathon of Blues Clues, Teletubies and Barney? Again?" Aeris said waving her finger at him as his eyes widened in shear fear and screams like a little girl on helium.

"No! NO! Anything but that! OK! I'll behave! Just DON'T! NOT AGAIN! PLEASE NOOOOO!" Sephiroth screamed shaking his head violently on the brink of tears. Aeris smiles at him and strokes his left cheek to calm him down.

"That's my good little Sephy-poo." Aeris cued at him. "Now! Back to the question I asked. What should we do today?"

"I-I don't k-know! Parade around in a Chocobo suit? JUST BE MERCIFUL!!!" Sephiroth sobbed as she held the 24-hour tape under his nose.

"Oh! I know what I can do with you." Aeris informed Sephiroth gleefully as she ran her fingers through his silver hair.

".Does it involve blood and carnage?" Sephiroth asked intently with an evil smile. Aeris closes the distance between their faces with their noses touching. Sephiroth's eyes widened as Aeris continued to fondle his facial features almost sexually.

"Not quite but close enough." Aeris purred.

An hour later.

The cake had been frosted. Screams of agony came from Aeris' room. Aeris was found sitting on top of a tied down Sephiroth on her bed. She was putting lipstick on the terrified Sephiroth.

"Hold still, I can't make you pretty without you being still." Aeris said now putting eyeshadow on his eyelids. He starts screaming again.

"I don't want to wear girlie fufu stuff!" He cried out. "And besides I'm not a winter shade, I'm a summer shade!"

"On contrail! You look soooo cute! Now, we need to get you in a dress." Aeris got up and walked to her closet. She pulled out an old tattered pink dress from her adventures with Avalanche that she didn't wear anymore and walked back to untie Sephiroth. She held a whip in her hand ready once he was loose. He immediately ran to the corner, shaking in horror. (And you thought Sephiroth was evil.) Aeris stepped over to the spastic Sephiroth with a mischievous grin on her face and threw him the dress. Sephiroth, cowering in dread, gawked at the small woman.

"Put it on. Sephiroth." She said quietly before she cracked the whip. He shrieked at the sound it made.

Ten minutes later.

Sephiroth was in the semi dark. He was holding a camcorder in his hands. He turned on record and began to speak to it in a whisper. "I'm making this tape in this closet where she can't hear me and that so when anyone finds my rotting body they will know how I died."

He stopped talking when he saw the shadow in the floor crack under the door of someone standing on the other side of it. His eyes widened in fear. "Oooh, Sephy-poo." The creature that put fear in the heart of Sephiroth sung quietly through the door. The door handle turned slowly. Sephiroth could hear his own heart beat rapidly as he stood motionless, hardly breathing. "I'vvvve found you!" With that the door flung open, Sephiroth screamed like a little girl. The creature in pink pulled him swiftly out of the closet by his hair as he screamed frantically and struggled in vain. The camcorder fell to the floor before the batteries died.

Ten more minutes later.

Sephiroth was sitting in an Aeris dress with make up all on and his hair braided with a pink bow, sulking the whole time. He was dressed just like Aeris. Meanwhile Aeris was busy prancing about fixing up her house, cleaning things or just doing nothing in particular while wearing Sephiroth's leather clothing loosely over her own. (O.o yeah, I know.)

"What else can we do, my little Sephy-poo?" Aeris asked when her head popped into view. Sephiroth grimaced at her presence and cringed slightly away.

"Please, Gods, kill me now! PLEASE!" Sephiroth muttered to the ceiling. No avail, Sephiroth sighed. He could not harm her, the Lifestream had protected her from any hostile movements towards her by him the second she was revived. Whenever he tried, the Lifestream would hurl him back as punishment, then Aeris would top it off with a good shock on the neck, courtesy of the fool proof collar. So to it put all on easy terms. He was her slave! The great mighty formal general, feared by all was reduced to this, folks. Yes. (Well, it's what he deserves!) Anyway! Aeris was now before him, stretching his cheeks in uncomfortable lengths while giggling. He glared at her with great loathing.

"Come now my little Sephy-poo, cheer up! I want today to be fun. For it is my birthday. Hey, you haven't even wished me a happy birthday. That is very rude." She stated in her most innocent cute voice she could. She frowned when he didn't say anything and folded her arms with his leather apparel still on. The sleeves were obviously to long for her, as well as the rest of the outfit, making her look as silly as him. A twinkle of impishness came back to her eyes. "Hey! I'll tell you what! I'll let you take off the dress if you do one thing."

"And that would be.?" he asked in an unnerved tone.

"If you dress up as a Police officer male stripper!" Aeris jumped up and down with glee, letting giggles out.

". Do not tell me that you actually have a costume!" He said in a shocked tone.

"Actually. I don't." Aeris stated in disappointment. Sephiroth sighed in relief and relaxed a little until she spoke again. "But my mother has one! Though, I never figured out why."

"Dear Gods!" he said in disgust.

"Hold on!" Aeris skips out of the room to where her mother's room is. She then digs through her mother's trunk in search of the costume as she tosses the unwanted items aside. Hmm.clothes, not there. a shotgun, nuh uh. a chocobo plushy, nope. a pack of pretty yet suspicious gems, not what I wanted. Ah, here it its! She pulls out the uniform and runs back to Sephiroth with it in her arms. She finds him trying to make a noose out of the hair ribbon she put in his hair.

"OK, Sephy-poo! Here you go if you wish to wear something else." Aeris said joyfully, throwing him the costume.

"Quit calling me 'Sephy-poo', it is so sickening." He began as he sat there.

"PUT IT ON ALREADY!!!" Aeris interjected forcefully and impatiently. And so he got down to his boxers with the little chocobos and moogles on it (girls in audience whoop and squeal insanely) and he put on the costume. He had it all on, even the cute little police officer hat.

"Yes! Now isn't this fun? You can be the stripper for my party! I always wanted one of those wild parties!" Aeris squealed giddily. He rolled his eyes and then yawned.

"There is no party, no one wants to be here because I'm here!" Sephiroth declared as he curled up in a ball on a nearby couch, all the while wondering how the hell she was ever portrayed as an innocent little good- girl. She was insane and creepy. Aeris saw him do this and went next to him and sat down. He quickly covered his head with a cushion. "Leave me alone, haven't you tortured me enough?!

"Don't worry little boy, I won't hurt you. yet! Mwuahahahahhaha! Come here and lay on mommy's lap. I have lots of candy for you." Aeris said as she patted here lap in notion to her request.

"Bugger off, freaky female child!" Sephiroth's muffled voice said from beneath the cushion. Aeris' eyes fill with rage and fire ignites behind her dramatically and steam is coming out of her ears. He realized he said the wrong words as he peaked out from under the cushion. "uh oh."

"LAY ON MOMMY'S LAP, LITTLE BOY! Or else." With daggers in her eyes, Aeris holds up the 24-hour marathon tape in one hand and the shock remote for his collar in the other. Her lap suddenly looks appealing to him after that. He rapidly scooted over closer to her and laid his head upon her lap, he wouldn't admit that it was rather comfy too. Aeris stashed the tape and remote in her pocket and turned her attention back to the cuddled Sephiroth. Softly, she began to stroke his hair. "Mmmm, so soft. Must be using Panteen Pro-V."

"Hmm." Sephiroth said in response, cuddling closer while on the brink of sleep. Soon enough, he was snoring and beginning to drool in Aeris' lap.

"Ewwww. Oh well, at least it's on his own clothes." Aeris murmured to herself. "Oh, he's just so adorable."

Around the afternoon.

"It's missing something." Aeris was staring hard at her neatly made plain chocolate cake. She tilted her head ever so slightly until something clicked in her head. "Oh! I know!" She heads back to her mother's room and grabs the pack of odd gems, cleaned them off, and then polished them with a towel. There were only six of them. She then carefully arranged them upon her cake in a circle. Sephiroth had woken up and was watching her, still wearing the police striping costume (heheheh :P ). She had taken off his leather gear after Sephiroth had drooled all over the lap of it. "Tada! Now it's a pretty cake."

"It's a cake." Sephiroth said bluntly. "And aren't you supposed to have candles on it?"

"Oh! Almost forgot!" And with that, Aeris tentatively placed a single candle in the middle of the cake. " I don't have twenty-three candles and besides, it would most likely have been tacky looking. I think a single candle is good enough. Doesn't it look lovely?"

"It's a cake." Sephiroth repeated in a bored manner with just a hint of annoyance.

"But it's a pretty cake." Aeris chimed, proud of her creation.

"IT'S A GOD DAMNED CAKE WOMAN!" He bellowed. She shrugged while putting it in a safe spot.

"I guess it's not good enough for you so I guess you don't want any." Aeris confirmed purposely heedless of Sephiroth's growling stomach. He opened his mouth to protest but she began to sing as she cleaned the kitchen, prompting Sephiroth to shut it. She paused in her song to look over at him with puppy dog eyes. "You don't even be nice to me on my birthday, much less wish me a happy birthday or give me a present. Sniff. How rude!" Sephiroth groaned in aggravation as she was putting him through the guilt trip.

She is such a vexatious woman! He thought as he walked away from the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later.

"I'm off to sell some flowers! Behave Sephy-poo!" Aeris called walking out the door with her basket of freshly picked flowers. Sephiroth stood upstairs until she was gone, he then immediately began pacing the floor. He tried to devise some plan of escape out of this hell. He couldn't leave the threshold of this house, which included the whole radius of Aeris' yard as well. The Lifestream made sure to forbid it by casting him back into the boundaries of Aeris' property. He soon gave up scheming and sank to the floor in grief, he already tried escaping with every idea possibly thought of but to no avail.

"Well, I shall be stuck here for the rest of eternity I suppose." Sephiroth muttered to himself. He got up and went downstairs and then outside into the garden. Sephiroth stood there amongst the beautiful flowers for a long moment. With much grace and agility, he leapt high into the air, attempting once again one of his hapless methods of striving to escape. He flew high up until. Crack! His head hit an invisible barrier in the air and was suddenly repelled back towards the ground.

"Oof!" Sephiroth had the wind knocked out of him. He sat up moaning and rubbing the large bump growing on his head. "Oww." He spent the next hour bouncing about the yard and off the invisible boundary like a pinball in the machine until his head was covered in bumps and his face was bleeding. Sephiroth laid on the dirt, half-unconscious. He hardly noticed the distraught looking Aeris standing over him. "Be merciful, child of the netherworld!"

"Huh? You were at it again, weren't you, Sephiroth!? I would of thought that you would have realized by now that you are confined here until you change your ways." She was already bent over him, trying to pull him up. He was much too heavy. Sephiroth just laid there, limp and bloody. Aeris let out a sound of dissatisfaction and left the garden to go into her house. She came back out with a rag, a bowl of water and ointment. Aeris sat down and hauled Sephiroth's bloodstained head into her lap and began to lightly clean his face. She commenced in humming a tune long forgotten with a smile upon her face.

Sephiroth barely understood what, where or when while he was coming back into the real world. He could hear beautiful music though. He tried squinting, only to see brightness with a blurry yet attractively depicted face only a few inches above his. He felt coolness draped upon his forehead and soft hands caressing his face. Though he was numb, he reached up to touch the front the figure to see whether they were real and he wasn't hallucinating.

Aeris stopped her singing and attending to healing Sephiroth when her eyes widened at him. She was shocked to find a half-unconscious Sephiroth pawing her breasts. In a swift few motions, Sephiroth was with several more bumps on his head. Sephiroth was now wide-awake and crying out in pain. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!?!?!"

"YOU WERE GROPING MY CHEST!!!" Aeris screamed at him, her face was crimson from embarrassment and rage.

"I was not! I was lost in the void of my mind, Aeris... It was such a happy place there." Sephiroth replied, going back off into his own little world again with a discrete smile. "Don't have a conniption, Aeris."

Aeris only fumed more and stomped back into her house. Sephiroth stood up, a bit shaky though. He looked back towards the house and caught sight of Aeris in her bedroom window upstairs. She noticed him with a frown on her face and slammed the window closed. Sephiroth stood there for a moment, letting a smug grin onto his face. Yup, they're real.

Author: Mwahahaha! Such a naughty little boy you are, Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: Thanks. I tend to be quite evil. I mean with meteor, killing you, burning down whole towns, slaughtering a building full of people, and just killing for the hell of it, and all. yeah I think I'm evil.

Author: Yes! And we all love you for you for it. Now, get back in the cage! (Snaps whip)

Vincent: When can the rest of us be in the story?

Kuja: Yeah, and can we have our own cage? Legolas keeps stepping on my new shoes!

Legolas: No I'm not! Besides, they're gay anyway.

Link: Why the hell are we in the cage in the first place anyway? Hey! Move your elbow, Dante!

Author: You'll all be in the story, sooooon. But I have to get at least 5 reviews and then I'll do the next chapter! Yes, I'm an evil egotistic person, so start reviewing, 'cause the next chapter will be better. Anyway. Fine, I'll let each of you have your own cage. And you're in them because you are my torture victims!

Dante: That's a pretty stupid answer.

Author: Bite me.

Kain: OK!

Author: No, not now. wait till the people are gone.

Kain: ok.

Legolas: Lembassssss.

Vincent: I don't think people are even reading the author notes.

Author: Oh well, I don't care. I'm ganna go eat some sushi. Goodbye people, whoever is reading this. I'll be dead again. What am I saying? I'm so confused.

Sephiroth: In other words. stupid.

Author: Shut up, or I'll make you all watch the 24-hour marathon of Barney and friends.


Author: that's what I thought. Are you people still reading this?! Go away! Go get something to eat or get some fresh air and exercise! After you review, of course. This is so pitiful, it's four in the morning, I haven't had sleep for three days, out of coffee. Thank god there is a spell check on this computer or it would probably look like the Greek language. I'm leaving now. no. wait for it. Ok. Now.

Legolas: Lembassssss.

Author: SHUT UP! I need coffee.