I'm waiting

Warnings/notes : Ryou/Bakura, songfic, shifting first pov, bits of bad language, hints at abuse (not by Ryou or Bakura).

Disclaimer : I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The song 'Milk' belongs to Garbage. Lyrics slightly altered.

written at 28th june 2003, by Misura


//I am milk

I am red hot kitchen// [Bakura]

I like the feel of the music around me, so loud it's almost painful to my ears. I welcome the near-pain, since it allows me to go numb. Tonight I don't want to think.

Tonight I don't want to feel.

Why does he have to be such a weakling? Why can't he be more like Yugi, who admittedly isn't that much better, but at least he lets his yami influence him.

Whatever I say, my hikari thinks it's a bad idea. Not that I care about his opinion of course, but it gets to your nerves after a while to have anything you say brushed aside.

Stupid Ryou! I don't need him anymore. I have a body of my own, a life of my own, though I'm the first to admit it's not much of one, yet he keeps being important to me.

//And I am cool

Cool as the deep blue ocean//

Any time I see him I scowl at him, letting him know how worthless he is. Any time he replies to my insults with indifference. I wonder why I keep meeting him.

We have very little in common, my hikari and me. Looks, perhaps a certain stubborness, but aside from that? There's nothing that binds me to him.

There's nothing to prevent me from hurting him. For the fun of it, because I can and it's in my nature to enjoy other people's suffering.

//I am lost

So I am cruel//

I could never make myself do it though. No matter what he has done to me, no matter how often he has thwarted my plans, no matter how much I want to, I could never harm him.

Even after we have been separated, he remains my hikari, my light. The living proof of my condemnation to the darkness, of my unforgivable sins.

I can't stop seeing him, caring for him up to some degree any more than I can stop breathing or living. My nature compels me to these things, as it compels me to never show him how I feel, hiding behind a mask of coldness and cruelty instead.

I hate it sometimes, being trapped like that. And guess who gets the brunt of my anger? He's just such an easy target, and he seems to be drawn to me as well, maling me reasonably sure he'll always come back. Back for more. My foolish hikari.

//But I'd be love and sweetness

If I had you//

He's afraid of me. And for me. Like I wouldn't be able to take care of myself just fine. If anyone should worry about his safety it's him. I know people messed with him before I came, so is it so much to suppose they're back at it again now that I'm gone?

He denies it whenever I ask him about things like that. But the bruises I see on his arms when he's a bit careless in hiding them tell me different.

It makes my blood boil to think of anyone causing him pain. If he'd still be mine, I'd never allow such a thing to happen ; I'd teach them not to touch what's mine.

Damn you, hikari mine! What have I ever done to you to make you look away when I try to read your eyes? Why won't you let me help you?

//I'm waiting,

I'm waiting for you//

I'm thinking too much ; I need a drink to distract me. To distract me from the pain he caused me, not a physical pain like the one he suffers from, but an ache in my soul that keeps pestering me.

The funny thing is, it doesn't lessen when I'm with him. It drives me to go and see him again and again yet it never ever lessens. I wonder why. Is it another part of my punishment?

To be attracted to my lighter side yet never be allowed to touch him? Because he doesn't want me, doesn't want my hands to defile his purity?

It's just so unfair!

I think I really need that drink. And another one after that.

//I'm waiting,

I'm waiting for you//

Oh yes, I'll get drunk tonight. To forget about *him*, I need to forget about me as well ; when I reach a point where I no longer know my own name, I also won't remember his anymore.

It will probably take me some time to get there though, so I guess I better get going now.