Title: Snape's Three Brothers

Author: Max

E-mail: jadekirk007@y...

Rating: R to be on the safe side

Pairings: Remus/?? Severus/?? Steven/?? Shaun/??

Archive: Yes, please

Summary: Snape's three crazy brothers have come to pay our dear old Severus a visit.Can Severus last the whole time that they are there without cursing them off the face of the Earth especially as one of the brothers cause a series of events which Hogwarts might not recover from.Set in Harry's Sixth year.This is an AU because I haven't killed off Siruis and he's been found innocent.Remus Lupin is DADA teacher...I just love him. All the brothers sound and look alike.One of the brothers reveal a secret of theirs.Mentions of my other fics and characters so be warned.This one comes after 'Dreams, a Potion and a Sneaky Potion's Master',you finally get to meet the crazy brothers.This fic is on hold until I finish the other one so be patient. 'Another One Bites The Dust' belongs to Queen.

Chapter 1-Uh oh it's the Snape triplets and their slightly off-kilter older brother.

It was a relevantly normal Monday morning at breakfast time when,suddenly, voices outside the great hall interrupted everyones conversations,as they were really loud."Oh come on Steven,what's he going to say?Oh sorry,you can't come in here as, I didn't.......Ow!Who put that book there?Hmmmm!Hogwart's:A History.I remember reading this when I was a student....."What made them stare was the fact that the voice sounded exactly like Professor Snape's and they had to look to him to make sure he hadn't spoken.The voices sounded like they were coming from outside the Hall.

"In the dark ages..."The same voice said.It sounded like he was arguing with himself.Two deep laughs echoed through the Hall.

"I heard that.Just coz I'm older than you three doesn't make me THAT old."

"Sorry Alan."

"Yeah Sorry Alan.Of course you not that old although you did teach us....."

"Shaun.Why am I wearing a pink bunny suit?Take that."

Argh! Not the Tweenies."

"Finite Incantatum.I don't see why I should bother......"

"Thanks Alan."

"Yeah thanks......."

Snape had gone pale and he was muttering to himself,"God no...Not now.Not THEM! I hoped when I didn't reply to their letter they'd give up on coming here. Although in that howler they did threaten to come...I hoped that was just talk.."

"Come on.If you two don't stop f....er messing about, I'll cut out your hearts with a spoon."

"Now who's been watching too much muggle tv?"

"Hey that's a movie and I........."

The doors to the Great hall opened up and in walked,what could be best described as three Snape clones.They were identical except for the hair,one had long black hair tied back into a ponytail with red tips to it,another had black hair cut short, and the last one had black hair, cut in an identical style to Professor Snape's, but his hair had blonde tips to it and he was carrying a book.

Everyone's jaws dropped except for Snape's.The one with the ponytail said, in a voice identical to Snape's said, "Hi everyone, We're Severus' brothers..."

Everyone's jaws dropped a little more.The one with the short hair indicated his brothers,ponytail first and then,Snape haired one then himself."Hi.This is Steven,Alan and I'm Shaun.Steven,Severus and I are triplets..Severus is the youngest,then myself,then Steven,then Alan.We've come to visit..."

"Yeah Severus was SO cute when he was younger.Hey Sevviekins,do you still suck your thumb?"Alan said,so everyone can hear him.

"Hey Sevvie,did you get the howler that Steven so kindly did for you?"

Severus' only reply to their questions was a growl and a glare.'I'm going to posion your pumpkin juice and I'll blame Potter.'

"Hey Remus,How's it going?"Steven asked,noticing Lupin for the first time.

"Oh Hi guys." Remus said,Smiling."Up to your pranks again?"He looked at Alan with interest."Hey I know you,have we met?"

"Well seeing as I'm the spitting image of my younger brothers..........."

All the tables were very interested in Severus' brothers.Harry turned to his friends."Hey Did you know about Snape having brothers that actually look and sound like him?"

"It was mentioned in one of the yearbooks.The other two were sorted into Gryffindor."Hermione stated."But I didn't know about his older brother.That is I don't know what house he was in when he was here."

"Snape's brothers were in Gryffindor?Ron asked.

"Cool,Lupin just said they played pranks.Wonder if they'd teach us."

"Harry,are you mad? Those are Snape's brothers.They could get us into trouble."Ron said.

"So?They seem kinda cool."

Hermione rummanged in her bag for her copy of 'Hogwarts :A History' but she couldn't find it."Damn I can't find my copy of Hogwarts:A History,I know I put it in here....."

"I found this outside the door.Any idea who this could belong to?"Alan's voice interupted her tirade.She looked up and saw that he was holding her copy of Hogwarts:A History.She walked over to him.

"Um..That's my copy."

"Nice to see someone reads it at least,and it's....not...collecting dust."Alan said in a perfect initation of Severus.Hermione giggled,despite herself.'Hermione,what are you doing?That's Snape's brother and you giggled like a real bimbo then.'She chastized herself.'Oh my God,He looks just like Alan Rickman.Ooh I'd like to.......'

Alan's voice,interupted her thoughts,yet again."I'm Alan."He said, holding out his hand.

"Hermione Granger."Hermione said,shaking his hand.They walked together back to the Gryffindor table.

Alan laughed, startling Hermione,"Ah yes,Miss Granger,Severus has been singing your praises."Hermione looked startled at this,and she looked at Severus who blushed,and to cover it up glared at Alan, "His exact words were,'She is the most intellegent witch to come into this school..BUT she is also the most infuriating one too...Always getting into trouble...',Hmm sounds like these two..."He said, pointing to Steven and Shaun."Intellegent but always causing chaos.I blame Sirius Black and James Potter for them two."Harry stared and Alan looked at him,"Ah yes Mr. Potter. Our new celebrity.Sorry,I love poking fun at Severus.I know those words of by heart."Alan smirked and then started laughing.Harry couldn't help himself, he started laughing too.

Remus suddenly stood up and pointed to Alan."I know where I know you from, you taught us Defense Against the Dark Arts in my fifth year, but you weren't called 'Professor Snape',you had a different surname."The whole hall gasped and looked at Alan.

Alan just smiled,"Oh no,I've been found out.You're right, I was born Alan Snape but I changed my surname...Doesn't have the same ring to it..."

"Why?What's wrong with Snape as a surname?"

"It's because he was hanging out with those muggles for so long...."Severus muttered."Turned his back on the whole Wizarding World."

"Severus, you're only jealous coz I'm sucessful there."Alan said,"My new job is perfect for a wizard acting as a muggle.I get to be a wizard."

"I am not jealous.If you want wear lipstick then that's up to you."

"Are too,and It's not lipstick,It's called make-up and males even wear it in the muggle world."

"Whatever."Severus said.

What do you do in the muggle world?Mr Snape?"Asked Ron,with much intrest.

"Hey Sevvie,you sound like a valley girl."Shaun laughed.

"Oh shut up Mr-I-have-pranced-around-in-a-skin-tight-leather-catsuit-with-wings-coming-out-of-my-back."

"That's not me, that's Alan."

"Did you get paid well for that Alan?"

"Oh I do stuff."Alan muttered.

"IT INVOLVED A LEATHER CATSUIT?"Hermione yelled,making Ron and Harry jump.'Oh bet he looked good in that.'

"Yeah well,that was one of my jobs."Alan muttered,embarrassed.He looked at Steven who was humming under his breath."Oh, SHUT UP STEVEN!"Steven looked startled,but grudgingly, fell silent."What were you humming anyway? If you want a tune,sing it so we all can hear it.I hate hummers."

"You asked for it."Steven growled,sounding even more like Severus.He opened his mouth and out came an awful sound,making Alan, Severus and Shaun clap their hands over their ears.

"Stop it, I know you can sing better than that."

"Ok, no messing about now.My ears are ringing."Severus ordered.

"You may be the second oldest but there is no excuse for that noise."

"Oh shut up."

"Make me."

"Bite me."

"Now who's the Valley Girl,Shaun?"

Steven rolled his eyes behind Severus' head, pulled out his wand,pointed at his throat,muttered,"Sonarus."

"Oh Severus, just kiss my butt."

"Yet again you proved you were a valley girl."

"I'm neither from the valley or a girl."

"I could change that." Seveus pulled out his wand and pointed it at Shaun.

"Stop that or you will BOTH be wearing bunny suits." Alan stated, pulling out his own wand.

Steven looked at his brothers and muttered,forgetting that he had just cast the 'Sonarus' charm and everyone could hear him, "At least I can cast a couple of charms, unlike my dear brother here.'Foolish wand waving' indeed."Everyone turned to Steven in disbelief.Steven blushed as he remembered what he'd done, "Damn I forgot."

"Okay everyone we are hear to hear Steven sing.You might want some back up.Sonarus.Come on you two, get waving and charming,unless Severus you've forgotten how."Alan said,his voice booming around the hall.

Severus glared but pulled out his wand."Sonarus.Alan Sydney Patrick R....."

Severus broke off when Alan pointed his wand at Severus,"Just give me a reason...You forget I can be just as nasty as you sometimes."He looked at Shaun."You too."

"Anything for a quiet life.Sonarus."Shaun muttered,"Jeeze even Sevvie's scared of Alan when he gives that look....."

"Yeah, I think even the devil would run from that look."Steven growled.

"Hey at least you didn't get dear old Sevvie hexing you and then letting the cat pee on your head."

"You going to sing? Or are you going to amuse us with your family squabbles." Remus asked, mildly.

"I'll sing anything as long as it's not 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' as sung by William Shatner."

"Hey Bill is a very nice guy....."

Steven waved his wand,saying,"I trust you know the lyrics.",and he started singing,this time in tune."Ooh, let's go."

The others joined in each singing a verse each,Alan,Severus,Shaun then Steven."Ooh, let's go

Steve walks warily down the street

With the brim pulled way down low

Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet

Machine guns ready to go

Are you ready, hey, are you ready for this

Are you hangin' on the edge of your seat

Out of the doorway the bullets rip

To the sound of the beat - yeah

Another one bites the dust

Another one bites the dust

And another one gone and another one gone

Another one bites the dust, eh

Hey, I'm gonna get you too

Another one bites the dust

How do you think I'm going to get along

Without you when you're gone

You took me for everything that I had

And kicked me out on my own

Are you happy ? Are you satisfied ?

How long can you stand the heat

Out of the doorway the bullets rip

To the sound of the beat

Look out

Another one bites the dust

Another one bites the dust

And another one gone and another one gone

Another one bites the dust, eh

Hey, I'm gonna get you too

Another one bites the dust


Oh take it

Bites the dust - bite the dust hey


Another one bites the dust

Another one bites the dust, ow

Another one bites the dust, hey hey

Another one bites the dust, heeey

Ooh show down

There are plenty of ways that you can hurt a man

And bring him to the ground

You can beat him

You can cheat him

You can treat him bad and leave him

When he's down, yeah

But I'm ready, yes I'm ready for you

I'm standing on my own two feet

Out of the doorway the bullets rip

Repeating to the sound of the beat

Oh yeah

Another one bites the dust

Another one bites the dust

And another one gone and another one gone

Another one bites the dust, yeah

Hey, I'm gonna get you too

Another one bites the dust

Shoot out

Hey, alright."The hall burst into applause.

Alan turned to Hermione, completly forgetting about the sonarus charm, "Hey, it's true what I've told you. He just forgot one detail....I'm thinking delibratly,he forgot to say,you were lovely..."He turned to Severus,"Don't you think so?" Severus' only answer was a glare, that would petrify a basilisk."Hey Sevvie, why didn't you tell me she was lovely looking?" He turned to look at Hermione,and raised an eyebrow.Hermione blushed as he looked so much like his brother.

Dumbledore interupted before Severus could reply, "Alan, are you free?"

"I'm free."Alan replied, "Damn, I didn't mean to sound like Mr Humphries. What do you want me to do?"

"Would you stop quoting all these damn movies and tv programmes? It kinda gets on my wick." Severus spat out,his voice echoing around the hall, "I'm well aware of who you are, and I don't need you to keep reminding me."

Alan's face had gone red with anger, "For YOUR information, SEVERUS SALAZAR SNAPE, I am NOT quoting movies to get on your wick as you so elegently put it.I am doing it to see if they," he said, indicating the students, "know who I am, you you dumb, motherfucking asshole...!"

"As Bruce Willis would say, Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"

Alan turned to Shaun and Steven, "Why aren't you insulting him or me too?"

"WHAT?!" Steven said, sounding like Alexander Dane from Galaxy Quest.

"Insulting either of you would be like throwing gasoline on a flame."

"And we'll be sending either one of us to the hospital wing in a matchbox."

"ENOUGH!"Dumbledore yelled."Alan, I meant, are you working at the moment?"

"Well, I've got a few days off. Why?You want me to kick Sevvie's butt.Oh and I wasn't wearing a catsuit with my wings it was a hoodie."

"Alan, the muggle studies teacher wants to teach the students how to tango, and as you can dance, I said you'd do it."


Any ideas please put it in your review or email me at jadekirk007@yahoo.co.uk