How To Write Moi Without Looking Like More Of An Idiot Than Your Feeble Species Dooms You To, by Q


*Q appears in Voyager-era captain's uniform, lounging against the back wall*

It has come to my attention that there are some of you- yes, you over there- who have been posting, what do you call them- ah yes! "fan fictions", featuring moi, on this web site.

Frankly I can only approve of that. Obviously I am the most interesting character in all of Star Trek and you clearly have the taste to be able to tell that. I mean, who else would you write about? Commander Chuckles? Neelix, the hamster that walks like a man? Helm Boy? Barbie of Borg?

No, obviously your choice to write about me was the correct one. But... *heavy sigh* try to get it right, people. I realize that you're all mere humans, and therefore stupid and inferior, but some members of your species have managed to show some promise. Theoretically you're an intelligent race, so try to use that intelligence, hmm?

Firstly, let me set the record straight. I am not still pining over Kathy. That is so over. It was all my biological clock ticking, you see. Any suitable female would have done. Except Vash. Or Beverly Crusher. Actually, no, it pretty much had to be either a starship captain or a fellow Q, and I don't know any other female starship captains, do you? All I wanted was a bouncing baby Q. And now I have one. And what a big mistake that was. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Ah! A member of the audience wants to know why a female starship captain. After all, I told Jean-Luc I could appear as a female if I wanted to; if I was so desperate to have a baby with a starship captain, why didn't I try to have one with a male?

I can't believe I need to actually spell this out. PREGNANCY, people! As in, not me, not ever. Can you see me bloated? Fat? Craving chocolate and pickles? Not to mention the agonizing pain of labor? No, no, I figured all that was for the human. After all you humans are always suffering, dying and getting fat. You're used to it. Pregnancy would be a terrible hardship for an entity like me. Besides, Jean-Luc would never have fallen for it and what was I supposed to do, hit on Sisko? Right, I want a half-Prophet who can't control his temper to be the other parent of my kid. No thank you.

Suggestions that Jim Kirk would have made an acceptable co-parent will be laughed at soundly, thank you. Have you seen the TOUPEE? Have you? I don't care how heroic he was, I couldn't possibly procreate with a man with such a rug on his head.

Don't even mention Jonathan Archer or I will turn you into a Belzoidian flea.

That's better.

So! It's over between Kathy and me. No matter how many times she begs to come crawling back into my arms, I'd have to say "no." I'm a father now, you know. I have responsibilities. That don't include trying to seduce Kathryn Janeway. Or B'Elanna Torres (*shudder*... half-Klingon. Me. Romance. *eeeuuuw.* Are you trying to make me lose my lunch? It won't work, I don't eat. But nice try.) Now Kes or Seven of Nine might have some possibilities, and I suppose, if Kathy asked really really nicely, I might consider giving her another shot. No Banana Torres, though. (*shudders again*)

On the other hand, my ex has absolutely no taste whatsoever, judging from the fact that she left me, so if you wanted her to chase after Torres, well, she's always had a thing for Klingon women. And my son will chase anything that's female. Actually, he might chase anything that's male, too. He's a teenager, he's got these hormones, you see. (Except he doesn't, because Q don't have hormones, but he won't admit that it's all in his head.)

Now, testing. I'd be lying if I said that conducting random tests on humans for fun- or random tests on anyone, for fun- wasn't one of the great enjoyments of my former life. Ah, for the days when I could show up on the bridge and declare that humanity had expanded too far! That was fun. And the Calamarain. That was fun too. (Until they tried to kill me, but really that was the Continuum's fault.) But, if you were paying any attention, you would have noticed: I haven't done that since Picard passed my last test with the temporal anomaly. In fact if you were really paying attention you'd have noticed that, right after Picard passed my last test, I agreed to allow a lowly human to rule on a matter of vital importance to the Continuum, and abide by her ruling. Do you think this was a coincidence? *sigh* Maybe I have to test you.

This doesn't mean I'll never conduct another test in my life. It doesn't even mean I'll never conduct another test on humans. If I felt I had good reason to do so, yes, I would even conduct a test on dear sweet Kathy. But do I run around doing it every day? No. Have I ever done that to her? No. (Except in the sense that having to take care of my son is a trial, but then, it's all her fault. If she'd been the kid's mother instead of Q I'm sure he'd have grown up with a much greater sense of discipline. Humans are so good at that. So she deserved to have to help me out there.)

You have to understand, Kathy and I have a... mmm... special relationship. I consider her a pal. A buddy. I mean, she got herself captured and sentenced to death because she was trying to talk my enemies out of killing me, during the war. You think Picard ever did anything like that for me? You're so correct, the answer to that question is no, not hardly. Data did, but Picard never risked his skin for me. And that is why I test Jean-Luc and I don't test Kathy. I mean, I begged Picard for help and he threw me in the brig. I begged Kathy for help and she gave it to me. Okay, she whined about it a lot. And wouldn't actually have sex with me when I asked. But she did try to save my life. That counts for something with me. We have chats, you know. Well, we have had chats, anyway. She tells me I'm raising my son all wrong and I tell her she should show me how it's done. That kind of thing. She doesn't do the whole, "Q, get off my ship" thing Jean-Luc is so fond of.

If I ran a test on Kathy it would be much more likely intended to show her something about her own life, some respect in which she is being a complete and total moron. It probably wouldn't be for random amusement. I've got a lot of work to do nowadays. A Continuum to help run, a son to watch over... Who has time for fun and games?

Another thing some individuals seem to have failed to notice. I used to be something of a persona non grata in the Continuum, it's true. Did you notice I fought a war? And won it? Did you think I'd remain the despised outcast they use to do their dirty work and then dump helpless and powerless on starships, after winning a war against the people who used to treat me like that? I'm a very well respected member of the Continuum now. How do you think I got them to rescind the sentence against my son, if they thought of me as an equal troublemaker?

By the way I do not call Kathy "mon capitaine" because it is bad French and says she's a man. Somehow, no. I do not call her "ma capitaine" because, unlike Jean-Luc, she doesn't know any French and she wouldn't know what it means. I might call her "my dear captain", though. Or maybe "sweety-cakes." If a starship captain is mad at you and steaming out her ears you'd be amazed at how entertaining it can be to call her sweety-cakes, or something similar.

But I digress.

Finally, you all think I have a sick fascination with 21st-century high school students on Earth. Let me be blunt: you bore me. I wasn't too thrilled with babysitting Amanda, and at least she was born a Q. I am not going to come to your planet and give you powers. I am not going to transport you to the 24th century for amusement. You're just not that funny. Nor am I ever, in my entire existence, going to have another child, so that story where you pretend that someone who looks just like you, except much better looking, and has the same name as your handle, is my daughter? Don't write it.

In short, as flattering as I find your interest in writing me, I'm getting fed up with how much of it is bad, bad, bad. Here's a few little tips you should hang above your word processor the next time you decide to write me wrong:

1. I don't interact with Voyager the same way I interact with Enterprise. The Voyager crew has done me a number of big favors. The Enterprise has done me exactly one, and they whined and moaned about it the whole time. So I am fairly unlikely to conduct random tests on them for fun. Although, that thing my kid did with zipping Neelix's mouth shut? I couldn't say so because bad example, but YES! That's m'boy!

2. If I need a favor I am likely to turn to Kathy before I go to Jean-Luc, given their respective track records of doing me favors. Unless it's sexual favors. Go write all the Picard/Q slash fic you want, I'd be delighted. Kathy, on the other hand, has made it pretty clear that for some stupid reason she prefers beefy, lunkheaded would-be shamans to BEINGS WITH GODLIKE POWER, and therefore, she has no taste and she would be beneath me.

3. I do not like Klingons. If you must write a story about me pursuing a romantic relationship with a female other than Janeway aboard Voyager... well, Kes is an energy being now and could use an older, wiser mentor. And Seven of Nine? Don't tell me you didn't notice she's hot. But bumpy foreheads? No no no.

4. Kathy does not treat me like Jean-Luc did when he first met me. (Actually, Jean-Luc doesn't treat me that way anymore either. Please go watch Tapestry and All Good Things if you wish to write me tormenting Johnny. But I digress.) Watch how she actually does treat me before deciding to write a story where I'm interacting with her.

5. You are boring. I don't want to transport you to the 24th century. End of story.

6. I don't have any other kids, unless it's an alternate universe where the kid I do have is actually well behaved (I wish!) Most especially, you are not my daughter.

7. If your plot absolutely needs a Q to run around misbehaving and tormenting the Voyager crew... you did notice I have a son, right? Right? You noticed that? Good, I'd hope you're not totally stupid. Also, given Voyager's integral role in winning the war for our side, there may very well be Q out there who, shall we say, are annoyed with Kathy. These Q would not be me. They would be Q who don't like me. Get the picture?

Now, go write some more about me. But please try to make it at least tolerable this time? I'm so tired of having to turn fanfic writers into newts.

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