"Christmas With Voyager,"
by Capt. Janeway

SUMMARY: It's Christmas Day, and the senior officers of Voyager are extremely
eager to unwrap their presents . . .


DISCLAIMER: Uhhh . . . yeah . . . okay . . . Voyager doesn't belong to me, in case you
were unaware of that for some strange reason . . . ummmm . . . If I
mention anything else that belongs to other people, then it doesn't
belong to me, either.

FEEDBACK: Please!!! I adore feedback!! LOL You may either "be a responsible
reader" by reviewing my little story, or you may contact me at
janeway_borgq@startrekmail.com . Easy on the flames, please. I'm
just a Starfleet captain who's trying to find her way back to the Alpha
Quadrant in the most politically correct manner as she can. LOL
Thanx!! :)


(Setting: The Mess Hall of Voyager. We see that NEELIX is slumped over a
table, asleep. In the center of the Mess Hall is an enormous Christmas tree with a TON
of decorations on it, and with about the same amount of beautifully-wrapped presents
beneath it. There are white electric icicle lights strung in just about every corner of the
Mess Hall, making one wonder whether Voyager is responsible for the shortage of
power in California. A NARRATOR steps forward, and starts to explain what's going

NARRATOR: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all throughout Voyager, not a creature
was stirring, except for

NEELIX (in a foul mood, as the NARRARATOR has just woken him up): Hey!! Will you
please keep it down?! I'm trying to sleep here!!

(NEELIX stretches, yawns, and settles back into his slumped position.)

NARRATOR (whispering): Okay, as I was saying . . . not a creature was stirring, except for
a Borg drone.
(SEVEN of Nine enters the Mess Hall.)

NARRATOR (still whispering): Now, the Borg drone was clever

SEVEN (to NARRATOR): My link to the Collective has been severed for some time now,
therefore you must refer to me as Seven of Nine. Furthermore, it is not the night
before Christmas, but Christmas Day.

NARRATOR (rolling his eyes): Whatever. Anyway, as I was saying before I was so
RUDELY interrupted, Seven of Nine was clever, was cunning, was fast

SEVEN: You are creating a run-on sentence.

NARRATOR: I'm the Narrator! I can do whatever I want!!

SEVEN: The sentence is imperfect.

NARRATOR: So? Look, can we just

SEVEN: Imperfection is unacceptable.


(NEELIX gives a little moan in his sleep, and changes his slumped position

SEVEN: Resistance is futile.

NARRATOR (ignoring SEVEN): Seven of Nine was clever, was cunning, was fast. So, she
slipped into the Mess Hall to get an early breakfast, and to count how many presents
under the Christmas tree were addressed to her.

(SEVEN quietly walks into the kitchen, and prepares a breakfast that is very
unappealing to look at. She then sits at a table in the Mess Hall with her so-called
"breakfast," and eats it as she stares quizzically at the presents underneath the
Christmas tree.)

NARRATOR: Now, Seven of Nine also had too much curiosity bound within her little
cybernetic heart, so she felt that it couldn't hurt to just take a peek at the presents
beneath the Yuletide tree.

SEVEN: I do not understand this human tradition of giving Christmas gifts. It is pointless, as
one can give gifts to his comrade any time of the year that he wishes. The only
difference between these gifts and any others one might receive throughout the year is
the style of wrapping-paper used to conceal the gift. Furthermore, I do not understand
the significance of the human tradition of waiting until all friends and family is present
around this "Christmas tree" to commence unwrapping the gifts. Therefore, as I do
not understand it, and as it will also bring my monotonous monologue to a close, I will
unwrap my gifts now; I shall not wait for Captain Janeway and the others to arrive.

NARRATOR: And so Seven of Nine searched high and low for the presents that were
addressed to her.

(SEVEN walks over to the Christmas tree and begins examining the name tags of
each gift. She carelessly tosses aside the ones that don't belong to her including one
which lands with a loud CRASH!, but gingerly sets the ones addressed to her on her

NARRATOR: Soon, Seven of Nine had picked-out the ones that were hers: now the task of
deciding which one to open first was lain before her.

SEVEN (scrutinizing the largest gift belonging to her): There are two Earth maxims that I
have heard which apply to this situation: "Big things come in small packages," so I will
therefore "save the best for last." I believe that I will unwrap this gift first, as it is the

NARRATOR: So she tore open the package, and looked inside the box . . .

(SEVEN tears the wrapping paper from the package.)

NARRATOR: . . . and was horrified by what she espied!

SEVEN: I do not understand what this is. (she pulls out an enormous piece of fruitcake
out of the box.) It appears to be some sort of a very fattening cake made from
candied fruit . . . (she picks up the name tag, and reads it aloud:) "To Seven of
Nine . . . Fondly, Neelix."

NARRATOR: Seven of Nine marched up to Neelix, still fast asleep, and demanded that he
explain his gift!!

(SEVEN walks to NEELIX and starts to shake him awake.)

SEVEN: Wake up, Neelix.

NEELIX (sleepily): Huh? Wha ?

SEVEN: Explain your gift.

NEELIX: Seven?! It's . . . uh, what time is it?

NARRATOR: It was 3:59 A.M. that bright Christmas morn.

SEVEN: It is 3:59 A.M.

NEELIX: It's 3:59 in the morning, Seven!!

SEVEN: That is correct.

NEELIX: Why, you're supposed to wait until everyone else is here to unwrap your presents!
The Captain will be furious!!

SEVEN: To punish me is futile.

NARRATOR: But, the Talaxian was in a decent mood.

NEELIX: Well, all right . . . I guess since it's my gift to you, I'll let it go. It's called a
"fruitcake." It's an old Earth recipe I discovered when I was experimenting with the
replicator the other day . . . Try a piece!! It's delicious!

NARRATOR: Seven of Nine, however, knew that she couldn't eat the cake of fruit.

SEVEN: No, thank you. If I am to continue to boost the ratings for the show, I must not eat
this fattening food.

NEELIX: Just one little taste?


NEELIX (offended): But, Seven, I made it just for you!!

SEVEN: Your intentions are admirable, but your gift is inadequate.

NARRATOR: The Talaxian suddenly became very spiteful.

NEELIX: Well, then, I take that back . . . I'm going to tell Captain Janeway that you opened a
gift without her supervision!!

SEVEN: Perhaps I will also inform her of the fact that you opened my gift without her
supervision as well.

NEELIX (clearly lying): I I don't know what you're talking about!!

SEVEN (pointing to a saucepan in the kitchen): What is that in your kitchen?

NEELIX: A super-duper-deluxe-extra-grande-mega-swell saucepan.

SEVEN: Is that not my gift to you?

NEELIX: Well . . . I . . . uh . . . all right. You win.

SEVEN: Obviously you find this custom of "waiting" to be tedious as well.

NEELIX: Uhh . . . yes. Tedious. Right.

SEVEN: Then perhaps we should wake the Captain and have her watch us open the rest of
the gifts.

NEELIX: At 4:00

SEVEN: It is 4:01

NEELIX: 4:01 in the morning? She won't be too happy about that.

SEVEN: You can replicate her some coffee when we arrive at her quarters.

NEELIX: Well . . . all right.

(SEVEN and NEELIX exit the Mess Hall, as the NARRATOR speaks:)

NARRATOR: So Seven of Nine and Neelix walked out of the Mess Hall, with hopes that
their Captain's wrath wouldn't be as bad as they thought it might.


(Setting: Captain JANEWAY's quarters. JANEWAY is in her bed, tossing and
turning; obviously she hasn't had much sleep during the past night. The NARRATOR
steps toward the camera as he continues:)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, all through the night had Captain Janeway tossed and turned . . .
an anxious Borg drone and a gullible Talaxian were the two last things in the world that
she needed . . .

JANEWAY(moaning sleepily): Ohhhhh!!! Why did I have to drink coffee at midnight?!
WHY?! It wasn't like I was getting all jittery like I usually do without my coffee . . . !!

NARRATOR: Nevertheless, the Borg drone, booster-of-all-ratings, and the Talaxian, chef-
of-all-noxious-meals, were determined to have their way; nothing could distract them,
nothing could deter them. They had come with a purpose, and that purpose would not
go unfulfilled.

(We see SEVEN and NEELIX quietly walk around the corner to JANEWAY still
moaning as she tosses and turns.)

SEVEN: Captain.

NARRATOR: The Captain abruptly sat up upon the sound of the Borg drone's voice.

JANEWAY (abruptly sitting up): SEVEN?!?!?!? What's going on?!

SEVEN: We require your assistance.

JANEWAY: What's wrong?! Is there a hull breach?!


JANEWAY: The Borg?


JANEWAY: The Hirogen?


JANEWAY: The Vidiians?


JANEWAY: Has Kes returned again?


JANEWAY: The Doctor?






JANEWAY: B'lanna?


JANEWAY: Chakotay?



SEVEN: No, Captain.

NARRATOR: The Captain demanded to know what was on their minds.


NEELIX: Well, uh, Captain, ummm . . .

SEVEN: We want to open our Chrismas gifts now.

NARRATOR: It was 4:06 that beautiful Christmas morn.

JANEWAY: At 4:06 in the morning?!

SEVEN: That is correct, Captain.

JANEWAY: Seven, go regenerate for a few more hours . . . (she yawns) It's much too early
in the morning . . .

SEVEN (decisively): We cannot comply. We must open them now.

JANEWAY: Seven, what did I tell you about not sweating the small stuff?

SEVEN: Not to sweat it.

JANEWAY(yawning): Exactly.

SEVEN: I am not perspiring.

JANEWAY: Ugh!! You missed my whole point, Seven!!

NARRATOR: The Talaxian brought the good Captain back on the subject.

NEELIX (trying to get JANEWAY back on the subject): You'll be able to open your gifts,

JANEWAY: Really?


SEVEN: He is correct, Captain.

JANEWAY: All right, then . . . just wait outside while I grab a cup of coffee or three.

SEVEN: We will comply.

(SEVEN and NEELIX exit as JANEWAY walks over to the replicator and gets
her coffee. JANEWAY sighs and guzzles down her coffee in a frenzy as the
NARRATOR speaks:)

NARRATOR: And so the Captain, the Borg drone, and the Talaxian all prepared for their
journey back to the Mess Hall, with great hopes and expectations as to what their
Yuletide gifts might be.


(Setting: Some anonymous corridor on Voyager. JANEWAY, SEVEN, and
NEELIX are sneaking down the quiet, darkened corridors to the Mess Hall as the
NARRATOR continues:)

NARRATOR: So, the Captain, the Borg drone, and the Talaxian sneaked down the silent,
still corridors of Voyager, not wanting to disturb their fellow crewmembers.
Unfortunately, they did not realize that a tattooed Native American commander and a
Vulcan were sneaking about as well, with the same intended destination.

(We now see CHAKOTAY and TUVOK silently walk around the corner, unseen
by JANEWAY, SEVEN, and NEELIX. Suddenly, NEELIX, who is examining his shoe as
he walks after stepping in something gooey on the floor, accidentally bumps into
CHAKOTAY; TUVOK, who was walking behind CHAKOTAY, bumps into CHAKOTAY.
All three fall in a dog-pile on the floor with a loud THUD! JANEWAY and SEVEN
jump, startled.)

NARRATOR: The Captain demanded to know what they were doing there.

JANEWAY(surprised): Chakotay! Tuvok! What are you doing here?!

CHAKOTAY (caught off-guard): Uhh . . . nothing?

TUVOK: What, may I ask, Captain, are you and Seven and Neelix doing here?

NEELIX: Ummmmm . . .

SEVEN: Also nothing.

CHAKOTAY: Okay, then . . . let's all just continue . . . doing . . . um, nothing, then.

NEELIX: Sounds fair enough.

NARRATOR: There was an uncomfortable pause.

(There is an uncomfortable pause, then:)

CHAKOTAY: Captain, what are you really doing here?

JANEWAY: I'm not telling unless you're telling.


JANEWAY (daring): Double-Ditto.

CHAKOTAY: Triple-Ditto.

JANEWAY: Triple-Dog-Ditto.

CHAKOTAY: Triple-Dog-Mega-Ditto.

JANEWAY: Triple-Dog-Mega-Super-Ditto.

CHAKOTAY (muttering under his breath): Darn!

NARRATOR: Captain Janeway gloated over her victory.

JANEWAY (proudly): Hah!! Beat you!!!

NARRATOR: In his defeat, Chakotay admitted his and Tuvok's intentions.

CHAKOTAY: Okay, well, we wanted to go to the Mess Hall . . . to look at the tree.

TUVOK: And to look at our presents.

CHAKOTAY (defensively): We weren't going to open them!! Just look at them.

JANEWAY: Well . . . that's kind of what we wanted to do, too.

NEELIX: Except we were going to open them, because the Captain's with us.

CHAKOTAY: That's a good idea . . . I don't know why I hadn't thought of waking the Captain
myself . . .

SEVEN: It actually was my idea.

NARRATOR: But, Tuvok and Chakotay weren't all who were going to accompany the trio to
the Mess Hall!

JANEWAY: Well, since we're all going to the same place, why don't we

(Harry KIM, Tom PARIS, and B'lanna TORRES-Paris all still in their
pajamas stumble sleepily around the corner.)

KIM (yawning): What the heck is going on?

PARIS: Yeah . . . We heard you all the way from our quarters.

TORRES: I don't like noises . . . they insult what little honor I have as a half-Klingon.

KIM (sleepily rubbing his eyes): Mmmmmm . . . neither do I . . .

JANEWAY: We're not doing anything.

NEELIX: We're doing nothing!

CHAKOTAY: Just, uh, go back to sleep.




SEVEN: Affirmative.

NARRATOR: Tom Paris, however, was not entirely convinced.

PARIS (snapping awake): Something seems awfully suspicious here . . . Are you sure
you're doing nothing?

NEELIX: Oh, yes, Mister Paris . . . We're very sure!

KIM (doubtfully): I don't know, Tom . . .

TORRES: Is there anyone a little more, uh, honorable than Neelix who could answer Tom's

SEVEN: I can assure you, we are doing nothing.

TORRES (ignoring SEVEN): Anyone at all?!

TUVOK: We are doing nothing.

TORRES: Oh . . . Okay.

NARRATOR: But Captain Janeway's guilt caught up with her.

JANEWAY (after giving it some thought): Well . . . On second thought, I don't think it's
right for them not to know, Chakotay.

CHAKOTAY: It's not? I mean, it's not.

JANEWAY: You three have a right to know.

CHAKOTAY (in his "Yes-man" mode): Right, yep, whatever she says goes.

JANEWAY: We're on our way to the Mess Hall to unwrap our Christmas gifts.

CHAKOTAY: Yep, that's where we're going!

PARIS: What?!

KIM: At 4:34 in the morning?!

TORRES: My honor is insulted!!!

PARIS: Are you nuts?!

TORRES: We have to go with you!!

KIM: Yeah!

PARIS: Yeah!

JANEWAY: Are you sure?

PARIS (sarcastically): No, we're not.

JANEWAY: Should we be off, then?

SEVEN: Affirmative.




KIM: Yeah!


JANEWAY: Then let's go.

(They all exit as the NARRATOR concludes:)

NARRATOR: And so, Captain Janeway and her crew all went to the Mess Hall to unwrap
their presents at 4:39 in that Christmas morn to discover the gifts that were beneath the
beautiful Yuletide tree. All was calm, all was peaceful in the anonymous corridor once more
during that splendid Christmas morn.


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