They all thought, no think, it should have been me. All of them. Xander stayed the hell away from me, Willow and Tara were always fussing over me, asking how I was doing, offering me food and stuff, but never waiting for an answer or looking me in the eye, Anya blamed me because she hadn't gotten any since Buffy died. And Giles...

He was supposed to have been my guardian, but two weeks ago he died from alcohol poising. His head hanging over the back of the couch, his bottle spilled over the floor, soaking the carpet and his cloths were filthy. I know he hadn't changed for a while, from the few times he left mom's old room to see me off to school. I hadn't seen him for about three days, and I came home from school and found him dead, his empty eyes seeming somehow accusing.

So now the bot takes care of me, as Willow and Tara moved to LA and I'm only going to see Red once every three months when she comes back to give the bot a checkup. Xander and Anya... I haven't seen them since I found Giles dead.

Then my thoughts turn to Buffy. Not the bot, damnit, not the one I love, the real Slayer. The one who never had time for me. The one who treated me like a burden every chance she got. The one who would kick the crap out of me and scream that it was my fault mom was dead. That it was the Key's energy that caused a blood clout in mom's head.

When Giles died, Willow and Tara tried to resurrect Buffy, but she 'came back wrong.' Is that what you call it when she doesn't even bother to hide the face that she beats her younger sister? Spike knew she wasn't human because when he pulled her off of me and she decked him, he hit her right back and the chip didn't fry his brain. But she managed to stake him before the bot decapitated her. I got up and told the bot I loved her, before breaking down and crying over Spike's ashes.

That night Willow packed up, said a two minute goodbye and left. They didn't even ask if I wanted to go with them. Big surprise.

I took the bot offline a week ago. As much as I love her, I can't do it, listen to her chirpy voice, coming out of a body that looks identical to the one person I hate most in the world.

I can't take it anymore.

Can't, won't, who the hell knows.

I'll bet nobody finds me until next to never. I wouldn't be surprised if Willow forgets her promise and never comes back.

Now, I only have one problem.

Gun, razorblade, rope, pills, OD on ecstasy, downed bathroom cleaner, broken bottle over the head...

Thousands of ways to go, just gotta pick one.

Maybe I'll what Buffy did and jump off that tower 'cause I stand to live anymore.

So make that a thousand and one.