I miss him when he's not here.

It seems stupid to say. To admit to myself finally that the apartment seems empty without him here. It seems quiet… and quiet is something I admit to liking. Preferring, in fact. But this kind of quiet… the quiet of knowing I'm completely alone now, knowing there's no one to turn to if I need an arm to grasp, a hand to hold, a warm body in my arms at night. Not that I would ever turn to him for comfort; but I know I can. I know he's here, to cock his head and widen his bright eyes, to take my hands and ask me what's wrong.

I never meant him to stay. He was another conquest, someone else's pride I could destroy, even with them never knowing. I could take him, and hold it over him… and for that glorious moment, know that I was in power…

I never hid that from myself. Never. In the endless stream of faceless women who faded in and out of my life, I knew what I was doing, why I was doing it. And I didn't care. Maybe they wanted to be in my bed for the notoriety, maybe for the money they thought I would spend on them. Maybe it was a genuine obsession with the fame writing has brought me. But whyever they came, I conquered them. They held no power over me. No one ever would. I would never be on my back again, never feel that searing pain again, not even so much the tearing of my flesh as the destruction of my trust.

He didn't even want to go first. I wasn't even that important. Perhaps I could have accepted it if he had shown even the slightest bit of wanting me. But he sold that away. For ten dollars. Ten dollars, and he let them all go before him. And I wanted him to want to be first. I wanted to know that he was the one who wanted to own me. And he wasn't. He didn't care. I wasn't even a special fuck toy, just one he would have sold for the price of a pack and a half of cigarettes. He sold me.

I loved him, and he sold me.

Maybe that was why… well, it was why. Why I ignored the fascination with men. I couldn't be gay, or even bisexual. I wasn't allowed. Men hurt me. Men could take power away from me. Women… No matter the contrivances women put on, women couldn't take that power away. I was male. I was dominant, by default.

And then he came.

He seemed… he seemed so hopeless. He could never dominate me. I was safe… I was safe to take him in. To have sex with him. He could never dominate me, he didn't know how…

For so long, I was sure. I was sure I wanted that power because… because Yuki had shown me power had to be taken. Maybe I forgave him a little… because I wanted to think he was justified. I wanted to think it was my fault, when I remembered what he had done. Before I pushed it away, into the depths of my mind, and I made myself forget. I wanted to be powerful, I wanted to take the power away from others… like he had done to me. Because I had deserved it. Because I was weak.

Then they raped him. My Shuuichi.

He didn't deserve it. He wasn't like me, he wasn't tainted and broken like I was. What had he ever done…? I couldn't understand…

And then he never tried to take it back.

The next time we slept together, he was as damnably passive as ever. He didn't try to overpower me. He didn't try to take that power away from me, the dominance that had damaged him so in the hands of another man. He… he trusted me. To this day, he has faith in me. So sure, that in the end, I will never hurt him…

And then I realized how afraid I had been.

Because to ever be on my back again would be a reminder… of how I was betrayed, how I was broken. If I ever gave that power away again, I would be vulnerable. I could be hurt again. If I ever dared to love someone ever again, they could hurt me.

But without taking that chance, what good am I? If I don't trust him the way he has seen fit to trust in me… how could I dare to hold him? How could I dare to think I had the right to cling to him as he sleeps? How could I have the right to call him my own if I won't allow myself to be his?

Maybe it wouldn't be so frightening… maybe, to be on my back, if only when looking up into those eyes that trust me and love me… maybe it wouldn't be so bad.