Summary: What does a kleptomaniac tomb raider, a clutzy actor obsessed Lux Veritatis warrior, and a pigtail wearing ladies man have in common? They star in this one and only Angel of Darkness parody, of course!

Angel of Darkness: The Parody

Chapter One: Scones

Werner went out a' walking one day
Decided to see if Lara would come stay
She was tricked by his plan
He got the can
And now she's got to pay

Lara Croft strolled into the apartment of Werner Von Croy, only after he'd yelled "Come in!", and sat down in an armchair, which had previously been seat to a messily made jam sandwhich cut into the shape of a jackal head. Werner was at a desk, busying himself with a plate of butter and a scone.

"Oh, I'll get you yet! After all, I am the world-famous adventurer Werner Von Croy, and you are just a scone! A scone!"


He whirled around and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. Old habits. Tea?"


He grabbed the kettle and poured two cups of coffee, then wobbled over with his walking stick and sat down. Lara waited for him to hand her the drink, but he promptly drank his own and then hers. Sighing and licking his lips, he turned to her. "Who are you?"

"Lara, Werner. Remember?"

"Ah, yes. Lara...aren't you that stewardess I met back in 1968?"

"No, that's when I was born. I was that little girl you trained in 1984, at Cambodia, when you broke your leg."

"Leg? It's broke?" He stood, fell to the ground, pulled himself back up to his feet with the walking stick, and sat back down. "So it is! What are you here for...what did you say your name was?"

Lara sat back and sighed. "I'm here because you called about something you needed help with. A man, a client that is, and I am Lara Croft."

"Oh yes, sorry, you know me, old age and memory...well, Tara-"


"Lara, I need your help with a client. You see, he's a psychopath!"

"So are you."

Werner smiled, then sipped from his empty cup again. "Hmm, this tea is a little bland."

"That's because there's nothing in the cup," Lara replied, crossing her arms. "Continue."

"Well, I'm being stalked, people are dying out there! Surely you've heard of the Mockscrub?"

"The Mockscrub? What does he have to do with this?"

Werner leaned closer to Lara. "I think my client is- oh, please Lara, go see Old Marge Carvier, she can help," he said, shoving a large yellow business card into Lara's hand that read 'Carvier, Mechanic-4-Hire!'

"I'm going," she said, but was caught by the wrist.

"Lara, wait! I-"

She turned and shoved him into a chair. "Egypt, Werner, remember?"


"You walked away and left me!"

"Get out! Get out of the way!" he cried, shoving her sideways. She was knocked against a wall, and fell to the ground, where she was hit on the head by a large book, 'Random Knockout'.

When she awoke, the lights had gone out and a pair of glasses sat crumpled in front of her face. She picked them up and tucked them into her pocket (kleptomaniac that she was), then crawled forwards to Werner, who was on the ground in the fetal position. Gently, Lara lifted him into her arms and smacked his face a few times. Nothing. "Oh well," she mumbled, dropping him and wiping her hands on her pants. Suddenly she realized her hands were dirty.

Eyes wide, Lara lifted her palms and stared at them. They had blood on them. She looked back down at Von Croy. He had a weird sort of smile on his face, and his whole back was cut in the shape of a banana. Blood seeped over the edges of the skin.

"Ew!" Lara exclaimed, jumping to her feet and running for the door. She got down the stairs, after quite a bit of stumbling, and burst out through the front door.

" you feel like getting a donut?"


"Hey, wait a second..."

The two police officers that were casually walking by the Chantelle building stopped and stared at the blood on Lara's pants. She froze and smiled.

One gendarme strolled around her, then kneeled and looked at the jeans. After a moment, he stood up and put a hand on her shoulder. Lara gritted her teeth; this was it, she'd be going to jail now!

"You should get that ketchup off your pants before it stains!" the officer exclaimed, smiling. He and his partner took off down the road and to their car. She raised an eyebrow, grinned, and turned the other way. A rotweiller was staring at her face to face.


After vaulting a few steps, running through a few buildings, and pausing to eat a steak, she reached a window. The dogs chased after her, and stopped a few paces behind. Lara slowly turned, then smiled, blew them a kiss, and dived through the window. One jumped forwards and caught her backpack in it's muzzle. Lara hit the ground, forwards rolled, and came to stop in a kneeling stance with a bottle in her hand.

"Lucozade. Keep the energy up!" she exclaimed, holding it out in front of her and shooting a bright movie star smile.

Tucking the bottle back into her coat, and shooting the dog a nasty glare, she continued walking, seemingly out of danger for the moment...