AN: Hello, again. All of a sudden, I am REALLY into this fic. Maybe I'm just too morbid or something, but hey—I love angst!!! And here, a brand-new angst filled chapter for your enjoyment…if you like angst, that is. If you don't, you might not like it that much. I don't know…don't own CCS either. Just my plotline, and Maya, one of the very few original characters you'll ever see me use.
Also, I'd like to take an opportunity to thank my wonderful, glorious, supremely awesome reviewers!!!
Kiawawata—special thanks to you. Those are some of the nicest reviews I've ever gotten!
I love you all!!!!! Wuvs and kisses and chocolate bars to each and every single one of you!!!!
One hand rested on the doorknob, the other was shoved into a pocket; his forehead was pressed against the door, and he sighed miserably.
Li Syaoran had been through a lot in his life. Less than some, but still more than what most normal sixteen years could say they had seen and accomplished in their short lifetimes.
He had been trained since he was born to be a warrior, a sorceror, exactly as the Clan leader was supposed to be. Hard, cool, logical, and determined. Stubborn would be a good word as well. At age ten, he had been sent from his home to retrieve the Clow Cards, his ancestor's legacy. He'd lost out on that to a girl, who had come under attack shortly thereafter. He had defended her, and somewhere along the line, he had even managed to fall in love with her. He'd gone back to Hong Kong, returned, nearly been sucked into a Void, and then found out that the object of his desire loved him back.
But no matter how much things had been in flux around him and around Sakura, one thing had always been fairly consistent. Tomoyo had been there, an outrageous costume for the Card Mistress in one hand and a video camera in the other, and enough advice and support to help the entire city.
But no more.
And there was one aspect of the whole thing that wrenched at Syaoran's heart more than almost anything else, save for seeing Sakura's pain.
It had gotten colder. This afternoon had been warm and sunny, the perfect day for the picnic they had been planning. Now the darkening sky was cloudly. It looked like it might rain. And it was chilly out. Some part of him thought it would be worth it to stand outside in the cold and the rain and catch pneumonia or something, just so he could continue feeling sorry for himself, but then he decided against it. It would just worry a whole lot of people who didn't need to be worried at this time.
With another pained sigh, Syaoran turned the doorknob and walked into his apartment, pushing the door closed behind him. Then he flopped back and leaned against the door for a moment, not yet ready to walk into the kitchen and face Wei.
He remained there for a few minutes, and would have stayed longer had a voice not called out to him. "Syaoran-sama?"
Li took a deep breath and replied, "Hai, I'm home." He kicked off his shoes and started slowly down the hall, leaving his shoes by the door. He meandered into the kitchen, where his older teacher and friend was busily preparing dinner.
Wei turned his head as though to say something, but stopped immediately. He took a good look at Syaoran before speaking. "Did something happen?"
Syaoran blinked in surprise at the old man's perceptiveness. "H-hai…"
"Would you like to share?" Wei asked, concerned. "Or would you rather not?"
For some reason, Syaoran couldn't find it in him to say no. "There was an…accident. Daid—Tomoyo was hit by a car, and—" he paused, "—she….died."
Wei gasped and dropped the spoon he had been using to stir something in a pan. He said something in rapid Mandarin.
"Sakura was really broken up…" Syaoran continued, not wanting to admit his own heartbreak just yet. It went against everything he had been taught from the time he was very young. Then, seeing the question he was about to be asked, he waved a hand in the air as though brushing away a bothersome fly. "I'm fine. I'm just…I'll be in my room."
Without another word, he turned and stumbled from the kitchen, down the hall, and into his room. He closed the door behind him before flinging himself onto the bed. He punched his pillow a few times, trying to somehow make some of his emotions leave through his fist. It didn't work, and he ended up giving up on punching the pillow and just buried his face in it.
There was too much going on, both inside his head and inside the pieces of his heart. Too much for him to sort through or identify, and it almost bothered him, though there was something that was bothering him even more about what had happened today.
He was the future leader of the Li Clan, the most powerful family in China. He was a warrior and a sorceror. Emotions were not supposed to be a part of his life. He was ruthless, daring, as cold as the snow.
Well, if he was the snow, then Sakura and Tomoyo—both of them—were the warm, vibrant spring that had melted the ice away to reveal the dormant beauty.
The more he thought about it, the more he realized exactly how important Tomoyo really had been to him. Not the same kind of important as Sakura, of course, but equally important in a different manner. Not even important like a best friend. Almost important like a sister.
And it had been Tomoyo who had been behind him the entire time, listening to his feelings about Sakura, giving him advice on how to handle it, and gently prodding him towards the moment when he could finally confess to his cherry blossom. That had been Tomoyo's work more than his. Well, he probably would have gotten up the nerve to tell Sakura the truth eventually. But without her—their, actually—best friend's support, it could have very well taken years.
He was reliving it now, just as he guessed Sakura was. Seeing that moment of impact over and over again. Hearing the screams, and realizing that one of them was coming from his own mouth. Then running, running like never before with a speed he didn't know he had. His thoughts repeating themselves over and over, telling him he had to get to a phone and call an ambulance. Coming back and finding out it was already too late. And Sakura…
Sakura was probably eating herself up over it more than he was. And a part of him was scared by that. He was having enough trouble coping with his own emotions, his own shock, his own grief. How on Earth was he going to help Sakura get over her broken heart when he could barely handle his own?
But she has her brother, and her father, and Yukito, and everyone at school to help her too… he reminded himself; sometimes that little voice of logic in his head was a pain, but right now, it was truly a godsend. And you have Wei, and everyone at school too…there are plenty of people for both of you.
Suddenly, he felt something strange. His eyes were burning.
He lifted one hand and brushed a finger against his cheek. It came away damp.
Eyes burning, face damp…
He blinked, and felt tears running from his eyes. Am I…crying? he asked himself in surprise. Li Syaoran did not cry. Yet here he was, trying to rub the tears from his eyes, and not succeeding in the least. Every time he brushed some away, more formed to replace them.
"Kuso…" he cursed under his breath, but the word came out ragged.
The doorknob turned, and the door opened a mere crack, enough for an older man to peer inside. "Syaoran-sama," Wei said softly through the darkness. "Are you all right?"
"H-hai…" Syaoran tried to say it forcefully, but his voice cracked.
Then something broke, and he lost any semblance of control. Li Syaoran broke down and cried. He cried for Tomoyo, he cried for Sakura, and he cried for himself.
Out of everything that had happened today, one thing ate at Syaoran more than almost anything else. One thing that might haunt him forever. He had been the one to run and call the ambulance.
Because of that, he hadn't been there when Tomoyo had died.
He didn't get to say goodbye.
AN: Awww, poor Syaoran-kun. Next chapter…at school a few days later. Bet you thought it was going to be Eriol's POV, didn't you? Well, not yet. I need to integrate an element of time into this. The Eriol chapter will be the one after next. Already have it written, and I'm extremely proud of it. He's extremely easy to angstify. Is that even a word? I made up a word!!!!
The part about the snow and spring melting it away was actually something I borrowed from Fruits Basket, another fantastique anime. Shojo rules!!! Put it this way: one of my fave characters on that show is Momiji, a fifteen year old boy with blonde hair and brown eyes. He looks like a girl, acts like a girl, dresses in pastel colors with lots of frills, frequently wears a girl's uniform to school, and turns into a rabbit whenever a girl hugs him. Need I say more? There. A completely unnecessary plug for one of my other fave animes.
Anyway, thank you, my wonderful reviewers, as always. Ja ne!