Love Song Love

Disclaimer: I don't own them, never have and never will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I see you, standing there, and I have to admonish my heart for giving the little leap it does every time I see your face, or hear your voice, or speak your name, or dream of the past. I can't help it, and it's a double- edged blade. The joy of being anywhere close to you, of living briefly in the's always followed by the pain. The heaviness my heart doesn't try to ignore. The reality that that love, the love I had so briefly, is gone. The friendship that we live on everyday, it's not enough. I would never tell you that though. I don't think I could stand causing you to not follow your own heart on account of not wanting to hurt me, and you're the type of kind-hearted person to do that. The dreams of how it ended still haunt my nights, and the truth hasn't faded yet. I tell myself it's better this way, I can't hurt you as much as I would, you have a chance to move on with your life, make something of it for yourself, find the love that every person dreams of. I know, for me, it doesn't - can't exist. It's just not meant to be, and as much as I tell myself that every day, I still can't kill that hope. The hope that maybe, someday, somehow,.. I can't stand hurting you, and I know that that is what I do. I've done it with everyone. I can't be the person they want me to be, I fail every time I try, so I don't try anymore. I heard a song on the radio today, and it made me cry. I wiped the tears away before anyone saw them, saw my weakness, but the words won't leave my mind.

"No part of you questions, no part of you doubts You're only sure this is what love's about Nothing and no one can stand in your way Or keep you from saying, what your heart is dying to say

When your heart insists that you give your all When you no longer fear the fall When the past is finally dead and gone

When the span of forever, just never seems long enough That's how you know its love."

I long for that kind of love. I dream of it, I cry for the loss of it. I had it, I had it with you, or I thought I did. But I did doubt, and I did question. I couldn't accept that you really wanted me for me, not for what you thought I was, or what you thought I was like. No one has ever done that before, and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it true, that you really did love me that much, I didn't think I was ever capable of inspiring that type of devotion. I realize that now, I was wrong, and I no longer question, and I no longer doubt, at least not of myself. I finally found the truth, but I was too late. You've moved on, and I can't blame you. I hope you find the happiness you deserve, I guess it just wasn't meant to be from me. I try to tell myself that I can live without you, I don't need love, I have you, always there for me, even if it just is as a friend. I know that it's a lie, but maybe if I tell myself over and over again, I'll start believing it. I guess that my heart, the one that still bounces in anticipation at the mere thought of you just isn't ready to accept that the chance has passed. that love that still shines in your eyes when you look at me? Is it really too late, or is that just another excuse I tell myself so I can protect my soul, the one that is still attached to you. My thoughts once again complete the circle that never seems to end. I'm not sure I want it to, if it ends does that mean that I've finally got you, finally moved on, or finally just lost faith in dreams? You smile a greeting and ask me how I am. That's just the way you are, always looking out for me. I think of a witty reply, to hide the yearning, and you laugh. I could live forever with the sound of your laugh. Every time I see you smile, I think no matter what, for that moment, I was a success. I'll just let the warmth of you pour into every piece of me, holding it there. No one can take that away from me. I just live moment to moment, every second that you are with me, when you are happy. I live only for those moments, its what makes me get up every morning, the thought of seeing you. Who knows, perhaps one day, I'll be content just to see you be happy, or maybe, someday, we'll find each other again, maybe then I'll be strong enough to face the truth, and not cause you pain. I guess I'll live for that day too, maybe my heart has the right idea, not to give up hope. I'm finally ready to give you my all, but can you give me you, without doubts and questions, without the fear of being hurt by me again? I think, sometimes that kind of love is only for songs and children's dreams. Then I look in your eyes and feel it. Is my life destined to be like this forever? Or do you think, someday, I'll have the courage to tell you that that love song love is waiting for you -- in me.