I Can See It. By Jess Pallas.

Disclaimer; I don't own Farscape or any of its characters. Please don't sue me!

Feedback; Go on then! E-mail me at jesspallas@hotmail.com

Archiving; If you like it, take it. But please, let me know first.

Rating: PG. Nothing but thinking.

Spoilers; BT. Reference is also made to TWWW.

Timeframe; On board the pod, during BT.

Summary: Pilot's thoughts aboard the pod in Bad Timing.

Copyright 30-08-2003.

I must be insane.

This is lunacy - Moya was right. What am I doing out here? It is so strange to think - I am closer than I have ever been before, further into stars, near enough almost to touch but for a flimsy pod bulkhead, drifting proximate instead of deep within, far away, seeing, feeling, witnessing but never quite being a part of the wonders of the universe. I experience Moya, my own senses irrelevant but this time it is me. That planet, that Moon as Crichton called it, that is the first place beyond my home world that I have visited, physically seen and alighted upon, aboard a pod at least. I never thought to do that. For the first time I see for myself.

Closer - and yet further away. For how can my senses do justice to such an expanse, such a world around me? Compared to Moya's they are nothing, they spy a world diminished, less glorious in it's magnitude, for even with senses as heightened as mine, I cannot perceive the full expanse in ways that Moya can. Yet, where it not for my diminished senses I would not be out here.

I can see it, I told him. Why did I do that? Why did I not say nothing?

Oh Moya.

I feel so alone. They are here perhaps, Crichton, Aeryn, but you are not and without you I am nothing, I feel nothing but emptiness and solitude. I miss you. I am diminished without you. Your wishes are everything to me, they always have been - why did I turn so stubbornly against you? Why did I make what are most likely our last hours as full of conflict as our first? I do not wish you to remember me in such a way! I do not wish you to be alone either. I worry for you, fear for you, without a guiding hand, a voice to towards the crew, a friend - you were so desperate that I not leave you, that you not be left alone again. But I did it. I did it anyway. And now you fall beneath the guiding hand of Stark.

What I have I done?

This will all end badly. I cannot see how it shall be otherwise. I knew when I agreed upon this foolish venture, when I consented to the severing of the bonds that held my life, both physically and spiritually, that in all likelihood, I would never be returning. Moya knew it too. I could feel her fear, her sadness, her hurt until that final instant when the last tendril, until that terrible moment when all sense of her dropped from me and I knew. I knew. I would not share my life with her again.

And now, here I am. Adrift in space and less than an arn from death.

I no longer fear to die. Not really. I faced and chased away that selfish demon a long time ago. But of all things I have feared in my life - I fear to die alone. I suppose deep inside, I must have sensed, have always known that my life would end the way I have long dreaded, that I deserved no less. But how can I bear this? To never touch Moya again, never feel the glory of her mind, the beauty of her thoughts, feel and share her joys, her pains, her sorrows, fluctuations of emotion that often dictated my mood as well. She was a part of me, my heart, my soul; I felt her joy, comforted her fear and sadness, cared for her and felt her come to care for me, despite our rocky joining. We shared so much together in our short time. Bonding with a leviathan, with Moya, was not at all what I had expected.

It was better, by infinite times.

I am insane. I have to be. Oh, that I could take it back! To abandon such beauty, such wonder, such love, for faceless masses that I have never seen, a race imprisoned on their space bound rock in pettiness and argument. How dare I rate the safety and happiness of my Moya, the being I love most above all others, whose wish means my command, lower than their unknowing, unthankful lives? What was I thinking when I agreed to fly this course? I cannot see it now. I can see only Moya, only the life I have abandoned and shall know again, a life of trouble but of incomparable fulfilment, the life..

The life I never earned.

The life I have never deserved.

I gave in to selfishness once before in my life. I let another die to lead me to my dream. Now I would sacrifice millions, billions? I miss Moya. I love Moya. But I have never deserved her, not really, and deep within, I have always known that. I can never forget, no matter what slight words of comfort might have salved it in the past and driven me back towards life. I could not have done anything but what I find myself doing now. For that reason, I defied Moya. For that reason, I plunged us both into loneliness and pain. For to not act, and find I could have saved them. No.

No one else will die because of my desires.

I have one too many deaths on my conscience already.

And perhaps in this sacrifice, in the giving of my life to save so many others, I will exonerate myself a little of the death I have caused.


A shake - a voice! I had not even realise I had slept! Have I wasted my life, sacrificed myself, my love for Moya, by simply drifting off? Have I let Moya, myself, the people of Earth, everyone, everyone down?

But no. No. There is still time, a little time.

I shall have my chance. And I shall not waste it.

Perhaps I shall die this day, this arn, this moment.

Or perhaps, just perhaps, I shall live.

And see Moya once more. Just once.

It is time.

And there.

I can see it.