A/N: This was done by myself and my friend, mostly my friend. Her name is "Sophie Smith". Her idea, her writing, she just couldn't be bothered to create her own account. Pah.

Deep in the depths of Mordor, in mount doom. Some Orcs we're playing catch on the edge of the volcano, playfully frolicking (or trying to kill one another) in the peaceful, harmonious (destructive, dangerous) landscape (what, some rocks?). But alas, one young Orc missed his catch, however, much to the disappointment of the other Orcs he did not fall in, although the rock did. The Orcs considered mourning over this rock. Their only true friend. For it was never nasty, did as it was told, was never witty, and shut up when told. The perfect characteristics for an Orc's pal. The Orcs thought long and hard about this, they could have taken centuries over it, instead they took no time whatsoever, and found another rock.

The rock, on the other hand, had other ideas. When it fell into mount doom, it surprisingly enough wasn't trying to commit suicide, as most rocks do unsuccessfully, but it had a ploy, to rest in peace, or find that ring and be the rock ruler of the world. So what if it had to dive into the volcano? It was a rock wasn't it? A note has to be said here, that when people say as thick as a rock, it's a true thing to say. Although rocks do have thought, more than was previously thought, it can only be put, and this is in nice form, that rocks are basically, truly and utterly THICK.

He fell into the gloom, and the thought of death was just beginning to occur to his brain, much at the same speed as a dinosaur sees a hole in the ground, when it happens he thinks of it, sadly it isn't much use stopping in mid air. I suppose the good thing is you wouldn't feel the pain until after you died, but still it does decrease chances of survival a tad.

There was a sound like a ball bouncing off a plastic surface. The rock made a sound rather like boing. Whether it was a rubber rock, a rubber duck in disguise we will never find out, as after it bounced it went into the lava and died, or was denatured, or obliviated, oh you decide. Gone for good.

*OW!* Screeched an uncanny voice. A creature was lurking in the shadows. Two round lamps were standing up in the gloom. How the electricity got down there is a mystery. The lamps said "That hurts us it did. Stupid Rockeses", something else, with an echoed voice which gave one the feeling that it was from a very cheap movie which was trying to express the concept of hearing thoughts, and not doing very well, simply making the voice sound like someone talking through a megaphone - which they probably were - uttered "One it hit YOU! Not me! YOU!!! Not us! YOU!! And two, congratulations on observation!". The lamps seemed to misjudge the tone of sarcasticness ignored the first and cried in an excited squeal "THANKSESS PRECIOUSESES...my dear preciousses. Gollum!".

Whoever eyes we are seeing through had the suspicion that he or she knew this character, someone along the lines of Smeagol, perhaps it was a camcorder, and before you think inanimate objects don't think....if you've read lord of the rings, which you must have done to be reading this, either you're very thick, or you need to rethink what inanimate object the title has in the name - in case you haven't guessed the ring wasn't exactly inanimate "The ring wants to get back to its master" -so don't mind if I give everything a mind alright?

"Smeagol?" said the megaphone voice, "How long have we been here?"


"5000 years yet?"


"Time flies when you're not having fun. Perhaps it's time we got out, I know I wanted a tan but really."



"Stupid preciouses" The lamps, or rather the creature, began climbing up the cliff. A glint of gold flashed into the camcorder's eyes, and seemed to stare at it. Although both camcorders and rings have no eyes. The world of Middle Earth is peculiar.

The Orcs weren't surprised to see some midget crawl out of the depths of the volcano, they weren't surprised to even see the ring, what they were surprised to see was that the rock hadn't come back up with them. That's Orcs for you, what comes up must bring everything else up with it according to them. Although why they didn't think the volcano would erupt at the same time according to this theory is odd. Perhaps Orcs are a little normal in that they don't like to think of themselves dying. But Orcs normal? I think I'm getting a bit far fetched here. Anyway..continuing.

Smeagol and the ring, or technically just Smeagol as rings can't climb, climbed down the edge of mount Doom! That is they did, until they noticed a sign saying exit, with a dinky little red arrow pointing down a smooth clean cut, broad path, complete with railings. However, by the time the couple noticed it, there was only a metre left, it seemed rather pointless on the whole.

Gollum skipped into the Orc village nearby. Smelt the thistles, got almost assassinated about, oooh lets say a two dozen times, even if it is a little of an exaggeration. (the actually amount was close to 34545650000, almost Smeagol was unaware of it. Being the writer, I felt that having one of the main characters so far dying of a heart attack, however long due his time is, wouldn't be very appropriate at this time). Some little Orcs ran round Smeagol legs and scarred them a little more, Gollum smiled his 6-toothed smile, and patted the little Orc on it's darling little head. The Orc, grinned, and bit Smeagol's finger, before running off.

Gollum sighed, a sweet gentle sigh that could have filled millions of hearts with admiration at its innocence, that is if the next thing he said hadn't been "Stupid fatses Orcsess"

"Smeagol, you need to get a new insult" said the ring

"YEseseses. Preciouseses has a problem with insultsseses does it?"

"Yes. That's what I said."

"Stupid fatseses ring."


"Preciousseses' is all flabbyssss!"

The ring peered down at its smooth, hard, firm, cold, solid, shiny. glistening, golden, - and before I say any more yes it does have - belly.

"I know!!" cried the ring, and sobbed for an hour, before realising that crying doesn't work for a ring, especially when u have no eyes and no tears.