Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2, I invented Commander Xero Brainz and his crew, and I aint proud of it

Note, the L.I.L annoyance is about the size of a housefly, it's crew it microscopic.

The Adventures of Commander Xero Brainz.


"Star date, Commander Xero Brainz of the L.I.L. Annoyance, personal log. My men and I have landed on a strange-enormous-planet called e-arth. The crew of the Annoyance is eager for shore leave on this strange planet, unfortunately we know nothing of this world, or it's possible inhabitants. The stranger structures called "Mall" and "Burger Thing" suggest that there are intelligent life forms, but are they intelligent enough to pose a threat to our mission?
"And what is that mission? I keep forgetting . . .
"At the petition of my crew I have decided to observe the dominant species of this planet, they are called hu-mans I think. We have been observing one herd recently, but expect to expand to others. It is truly amazing how these creatures manage to survive without the use of their brains.
The herd we are observing is called Sum Herd, named for the scientist who came up with the idea, Sum Chik. Of course I am the one who does all the herd watching, it seems only I care, Mane Ack wants to destroy the entire planet and try to sell the rubble to our enemies, and Dat Guy wants to take the hu-mans as slaves. Both ideas have merit, but I want to observe these creatures before waging a war we could so easily win . . .

Part I
The Stupidity Begins . . .

Tendo Kitchen . . .
Xero is whispering to himself, "Here we have the alpha female, we have affectionately named her Cookie, for she cooks for everyone in the herd. She hunts for food in the large white monolith (fridge), or the enormous caves (cupboards) then burns it alive and feeds it to the herd . . . she is preparing a meal right now in fact, aha, a magnificent feast. She takes the big red box and empties it's contents into a bowl, rips open the head of the large white rectangular creature and pours it's white blood into the bowl, now she adds a spoon and the meal is ready. Ingenious!"

"Akane!" Kasumi calls, "Your cereal is ready!"

Xero is still whispering to himself, "Aha, yes, now she issues forth a mating call to summon her mate . . . eh . . . no, no I am mistaken, she calls to her young and feeds it. This little female we wanted to call Cannot Cook or Swim, Sum Chik said that was a stupid name, so we call this one Flat Chested Violent Maniac. Aha, Maniac seems pleased with the meal provided by her alpha and bows in reverence-"
Akane falls face forward, "Bah! I tripped!"
Kasumi shakes her head. "You must be more careful . . ."
Akane eats her cereal then leaves for school.

Xero is still talking to himself, "Aha. And Maniac flees and leaves the cave, perhaps she will return, perhaps she will fall prey to one of the larger hu-mans. Let us continue to observe these creatures."
The L.I.L. Annoyance drifts into the living room. Soun and Genma are playing a are cards. Why? Because I said so.
Xero will never stop talking to himself, "And here we have the alpha males, for we cannot seem to determine which is the true alpha, at times they are both rather pathetic. The one with much hair is called Crybaby, the other is Fat Bald Smelly Man. Fat Bald Smelly Man is my favorite, I named him myself. They are now preparing strategy to attack another cave, they do this often. Aha! What is this?"

Ranma shows up, women cheer, cameras flash and babies drool.
Ranma looks around in confusion. "Uh . . . what was that? Never mind. Hey pop!"
Genma doesnt bother to look up at him. "Don't you have school today, boy?"
Ranma shrugs. "Oh yeah . . . where's Akane?"
"She's gone to school." Soun says, and plays an 8.
Ranma scowls. "She didn't wait fer me? I guess I'll have to catch up to her and annoy her until she's good'n sorry."

"This one is called Jackass." Xero says. "The name should be self-explanatory. He's a jerk. He may be the offspring of Fat Bald Smelly Man, I've yet to come to a conclusion, I've decided today to take a DNA sample and see . . . NOW! (Presses a button) I have just sent Sergeants Ex Tra, and Use Lass to obtain DNA samples."

Ranma rubs his elbow, "Ow! Hey! That bee stung me!"
Genma laughs, "Don't worry boy, he'll never do it again-OUCH! You little son of a–"
"Darn bee!" Ranma swats Sergeant Tra's star Fighter out of the sky.

Xero shakes his head solemnly. "Alas, a sad day for us, our attempts failed, Sergeant Ex Tra was slain in the attempt. No matter."
"WHAT?" Ex Tra's wife screams, "No matter? Oh my darling husband!"
"Yes . . . throw her out an air lock." Xero commands.
An air lock opens and someone screams
Xero frowns. "Well . . . that was the wrong guy, but that's okay. Now, back to our observations. Aha. Jackass leaves, now we shall observe the habitats of these creatures . . . yes . . ."
The Annoyance inspects the bedrooms until they find Nabiki still asleep in her bed.
Xero jumps up excitedly, "Aha! Actual footage of a hu-man in the process of sleeping! I was hoping we'd find something like this!"
"My husband!! WWAAAHHHH!"
"Why is she still on the bridge?" Xero sighs, massaging his forehead. "Anyway, this one I shall name Sleepy. Yes, that name seems fitting now. When not living up to her namesake Sleepy is rarely found without something in her mouth. Most of these things she eats. She is also known to have large amounts of strange rectangular pieces of paper with numbers on them, also to have a vast collection of large bronze, gold, or silver disks on which is writing, faces of other decorations. She goes to great lengths to take these possessions from other members of the herd, and especially the male rouges who occasionally come by to attempt to mate with Flat Chest Violent Maniac. Runs With a Sword it seems is a primary target."
Nabiki stirs, looks at her clock and groans, then runs around the room in a panic.
Xero frowns. "Uh . . . not living up to her reputation of intelligence now, we shall leave before she begins to shed her nighttime skin and change into her normal . . . much less covering skins."
"I think it is called clothing sir." Sum sighs.
Xero massages his forehead. "You want to be thrown out of an air lock? No? Then shut up!"

To Be Continued ...