Disclaimer: The mental institution is a fake place, it does not really exist and I wouldn't own it if it did. Any and all personalities and places in this story are fictional, resemblance to real persons, places or events is strictly coincidental and unintentional.
Author's Note: Again the institution in this story is a fictional place, there is no such place, and as far as I know the methods used in today's story are false, with the exception of the "quiet room" which isn't as bad as I make it out to be (but it's still a closet . . .)
The Adventures of Xero Brainz!
Chapter . . . whatever, like you care.
And just in time for the fans to forget about it and never return and never care because the evil writer is so caught up with other works that he forgot . . . time now to know what happens to Ranma in the mental asylum!
"Okay, Donma, was it?" The doctor asks, "Open your mouth and say 'she sells sea shells by the sea shore, she sells her self 'cause she's a wee who-"
"What the heck?" Ranma demands, "And the name's Ranma, not Donma, get it straight."
"Right. Well, just say 'ah' then." The doctor nods.
Ranma does so.
The doctor shoves a very large needle in his arm.
"What was that for?" Ranma demanded, "Why'd ya make me say 'ah' why didn't ya tell me ya were gonna stick me, or clean my arm or find a vein or nothin'?"
"Like bedding a virgin, it's easier if your date doesn't know you're gonna poke--"
"Crap, darn and some other things I can scream, what is wrong with you?" Ranma rages, "I've got a needle sticking through my arm! It's gone clear through! I could'a sworn there was a bone somewhere in there to block it, but it's gone clear through!"
"Yes. Yes indeed." The doctor said, "But like bedding a virgin, the pain is fleeting and soon you'll find it's quite pleasurable for the both of us, and--"
"Are you really the doctor here, or did you just bed his virgin daughter or somethin'?" Ranma demands angrily. He'd clench his fist if he could.
"So doctor, is he . . . insane?" The strange white coated man asked.
"Hmm? Oh my no!" The doctor whacks Ranma on the head, "You see his pupils don't become dilated when I do this, so he's unarguably sane."
"All right!" Ranma cries in excitement, "Doc, I'd kiss you if you didn't frighten and sicken me!"
"So that means we've gotta take 'im back?" The orderly sighs. "Man, I'm gonna miss the new episode of "As The Earth Spins" if I have ta take this loser back home."
"Oh! Cant have that," Doctor Virgin-Obsessed says, checking his watch, "Okay, then this kid is absolutely insane."
"Well gee, I can walk home, or ya could take me after the show's over y'know!" Ranma protests.
"No, no, no speaking to the deranged is against the rules, fetch him a muzzle!" The doctor cries.
Ranma frowned and several orderlies showed up and began to force him into a straight jacket. He wasn't sure if that was what they still called them, or if they'd ever been called that, because the only name that seemed to fit was "jacket that suddenly causes nose and back to itch" they then slapped a metal muzzle on him and dragged him away.
Xero watches the view screen with great attention to detail.
"So this is the real human mating ritual . . . not very exciting." He says.
"Insert profanity!" Sum cries, "Sir, this would be a pair of humans having a conversation.
Furthermore these two humans are of the same gender, and are both fully clothed, how you derived the idea that they were mating is beyond me!"
Xero looks through the screen again, and sees that--what were their names? Kasumi and Akane?
Yes, they were talking about Ranma and whether or not they'd miss him.
It seemed they would not.
Kasumi frowns at Akane, "Do you suppose Ranma is really insane?"
"Do you suppose I really care?" Akane scoffs. "He's out of my hair! If I want to, I can start dating Kuno!"
Suddenly Kuno appears, knocking the wall down and presenting Akane with a dozen roses.
"I said 'if I wanted to', and I don't." Akane says.
Kuno turns around and runs off in the direction of Azusa's house.
"Yes, observing these humans is quite educational." Xero nods. "But I fail to see any merit to them. All they do is mate."
"That might have something to do with the fact that you perceive everything they do to be a form of mating." Sum points out. "Thus far we've caught three instances of human mating, each time you classified it as something else. Lets see, the two humans that we believe to be the biological parents of Jack--er I mean Ranma, were 'sky diving'. Nabiki and Ryoga were 'reading ancient texts' on the dining table, and this Mister Tendo was 'hitchhiking' with those two sultry looking young females."
"He said he was paying them for the excellent ride, obviously he was hitchhiking!" Xero cries defensively.
"Uh . . . yeah." Sum nods, unconvinced. "Anyway sir, those are examples of human mating, everything else we've seen is . . . well examples of humans doing everything but."
"What makes you so certain?" Xero demanded.
"Mating involves a lack of clothing, and someone has to make a complete fool of themselves by screaming really stupid things about their world being rocked, or how it's good for them, and most importantly, ask whether or not their partner is going to be going with them somewhere."
"Going somewhere?" Xero asks.
"Often one human will say they're about to arrive somewhere, or that they're on their way, and the other will say that they are too, then they look very pleased with themselves and put their cloths back on. The older ones seem to enjoy smoking at this point."
"Sounds ridiculous." Xero scoffs.
"Yes," Sum agrees, "and funny. They make silly faces while they do it. However it must be quite enjoyable, because many humans allow it to rule their entire lives. No wonder they still use fossil fuels, believe themselves to be the only intelligent life form on their planet, have yet to develop a population control program, and still wage war on each other. With all the mating these humans do, they don't have time to be intelligent."
"You've never been laid, have you?" Xero scoffs.
"Of course not, I was married!" Sum cries.
Ranma was making silly faces too, but he wasn't mating.
"You see? His cheeks are perfect!" One patient squeals.
"Oh yes, yes they are. Okay, I'll take them! Give me your cheeks little boy!" Another one says.
"Get away from me, yer a discredit to dementia!" Ranma cries, waving them away.
"Do you need to spend some time in the quiet room?" An orderly asks Ranma.
"The what?" Ranma demands.
"Hey, we've got one for the quiet room!" The orderly shouted, and two very strong, bearded women showed up and grabbed Ranma. They led him to this "quiet room" which as Ranma was about to find out . . .
"It's a closet!" Ranma screams, "You freakin' lunatics are going to lock me into a closet?"
"You're the lunatic around here!" The orderly scowls. "We're the ones who say whose sane and who isn't and we can also suggest the doctors up your dosage, bwahahahaha!"
"The world will know the truth, justice will be done, and . . . hey, some one a lemonade in here!"
"That's not lemonade!" The orderly warns, but it's too late for Ranma.
"Ptew! Ptew!" Ranma begins to violently scratch his tongue, no doubt causing serious permanent damage to his sense of taste, at the moment however it seems like a small price to pay.
About two hours later Ranma is allowed out of the quiet room, he throws the remnants of the 'lemonade' the orderly's face in an act of revenge, and is taken to the 'thinking room' which is actually a big (big here meaning just large enough to fit Ranma if he curled into a ball) steel box, and once Ranma was inside of it the orderlies started banging on it with steel bats and screaming things at him.
It wasn't as scary as it was disturbing. Ranma wonders what cruel government would do such a thing to it's people, especially those who required the most patience and care of all.
Eventually he gets out and strongly resists the urge to unleash martial arts death upon the brainless fools that dared to dress in white and claim to maintain order.
"Pst! Hey!" Someone whispers to Ranma.
Ranma looks at this person, they're wearing a paper bag over their head. "Who're you?" He asks, "and why d'ya got a paper bag over yer head?"
"I'm afraid of wide open spaces. Anyway, I can help you get out of here, but you have to make me a promise!"
"When you're out, take this letter to my superiors in the C.I.A.V., it's vitally important that they know that I'm here and that a body double has been sent to assassinate the prime minister of some country, resulting in a war between my country and that country, neither country shall be named for security reasons."
"Yeah, right on." Ranma nods. "So how d'I get out?"
Bag head looks around, "Well we'll need a few things . . ."
Twenty minutes later . . .
"Wow!" Ranma cries, "That was awesome! Such a great adventure that'd take pages and pages of space to tell! Who'd have thought I was such a good sword fighter? Or that I could survive an explosion like that? Well, time to go . . . what's this?" He wonders aloud, looking at Bag head's important letter.
He crumples it up and throws it away. "I'd a remembered if it was important." He decides. "Now, time to get back to the herd and save humanity, or see to it that Akane dies while I'm trying!"
Ranma runs towards the Tendo house at top speed--which for him of course is quite fast.
But then . . . as he's headed home . . .
"What?" He gasps, "An all you can eat D-Lish-Us Do-Nut stand!" He stops running and runs up to the stand, "I accept your challenge, doughnut man!" He cries and begins to consume unearthly amounts of pastry.
To Be Concluded . . . (wow I love writing that!)
Next time is it's the final chapter, Ranma will either save man kind, or Xero will destroy out world! Uh . . . well it was nice knowing you . . . even though we don't know each other. Whatever.