A/N: So what if it's been done before? I decided to do a Harry Potter version of Bridget Jones's Diary (the book, not the movie, though the movie is good, too), and in turn for that book. This also does involve a Snape/Hermione pairing (eventually).
8/14/04: Newly revised to make less OOC (In Progress).
Leave assignments until one week before due date
End up in hospital wing with mirror clamped in hand
Seduce Malfoy and other future Deatheaters for personal amusement
Think negatively about abilities and self in general
Indulge in chocolate with excuse of Dementors
Like men who have the emotional capabilities of a cactus
Fly off at taken friends and their ability to eat away at every bit of pride I have of being single
Wear giant knickers
Coax Ron into asking me on date, if only to determine that he is, in fact, completely wrong for me
Get top marks in every class
Free house elves everywhere
Pass N.E.W.T.s with flying colours
Help Harry defeat Dark Lord
1st September Monday
Chocolate units eaten: 2 (good), Assignments due: 0, Assignments turned in: 0, Malfoy seductions: 1 (unsuccessful)
The train ride to Hogwarts was rather uneventful, though the presence of couple-dem this beginning school year is rather overwhelming. Harry and Ginny seemed to have a bit of trouble keeping their hands to themselves and ended up getting a chiding and scowl from the pudding cart lady. For a while, Ron was nowhere to be seen. Though I think I did see a sporting of bright red hair in the women's loos as I headed to the Head Boy/Girl and Prefect car, I refuse to believe he was in there.
By this time, I was becoming quite bored and couldn't help but flash a little leg at Malfoy when I reached the car, but I don't think he noticed. It's becoming quite an unsavory habit, and one I must break. Though the faces he makes and the look in his eyes whenever I show him a little skin is quite addictive. But this is something that's only a sport for me, nothing to take too seriously. Right? I can't play Quidditch, I have to do something for entertainment. And what's more entertaining than driving an evil boy absolutely mad?
It's all old men's fault, really. I never actually realized that I might be attractive until I was on a short holiday with my parents in London last summer and was asked by two men, both considerably similar-looking (short, chubby, bald, resembling Flitwick but a bit taller) to go with them to their rooms for drinks. I just laughed and walked away, hoping to Merlin that they were kidding, but it did help me to conclude that I'm not that bad looking. Maybe I don't turn heads when I walk into a room, but if two middle-aged men want me in their rooms, that must count for something. No matter how disturbing that something is. Draco must just be an exception to the rule.
Ron joined us later and remained quiet for the entire ride to school. Though I believe there were some long, lingering glances in my direction, and I could tell that he wanted to pull an uneasy argument out of thin air numerous times. Palpable tension. Very good.
2nd September Tuesday
Chocolate Units: 3 (acceptable), Assignments Due: 0, Assignments Turned In: 0 (I will not hyperventilate, though I would thwack someone with a mutated pig's heart for some extra credit), Malfoy Seductions: 0 (couldn't find him, but v. g.)
Shortened the hem of my robe this morning before classes for convenience's sake. Earned some hefty looks from the Takens (Ginny, Harry, and every other hormone-driven adolescent that swaps saliva in this castle), who must insist that I'm doing this to get a boyfriend.
They don't know me at all.
Double Potions this morning; a very unsatisfactory way to begin the school year. I caught a peek of Snape's very repulsive bright pink jumper under his robes when he bent over to look at my potion. No wonder the man has never had a romantic life, if he wears clothes like that.
Self-confidence is slipping into oblivion as my hormones are screaming "reproduce!" and everything else is screaming "no!" Must find Malfoy to feel better.
4th September Thursday
Chocolate Units: 0 (am dying), Assignments Due: 0, Assignments Turned In: 0, Time spent straightening hair: 15 m (v.g), Malfoy Seductions: 2 (oops)
Filch was rather shirty yesterday and gave me detention for tracking soil on the floor from herbology. V. put off, as Head Girls are not supposed to be sent to detention.
Knuckles still sore.
Found a black Nuntius book in my rucksack after breakfast, and found written inside "To the girl with the invisible robe skirt and the big hair, from that one bloke." It was an older book, the cover a bit worn, but I couldn't help but wonder who it was from. At first, I thought it might be Ginny's old journal, the one she used to communicate with Voldemort, might be coming back to haunt me, bt I'm certain that the person on the other end of this book is a bit stupider than can be believed. I still couldn't help but wonder who it had been. I certainly hadn't slipped it into my own bag. I'll keep it in there and see what I can do with it later.
Potions assignment incredibly boring (anything that has to do with a cure for constipation is not very pleasant reading material. Though I doubt that it was Snape's choice, he did not look particularly happy when assigning it), and was having a hard time concentrating with all the babble of the Gryffindor commons. Took out Nuntius book and a quill and scribbled a sentence on the first page, which was completely blank:
I'm wondering why that one bloke is noticing that my skirt is invisible.
No answer. The last bits of hope had been beat out of me with a little black book. I shoved it back in my rucksack and forgot about it.
Okay, so I lie.
After I finished Potions (priorities, after all), I brought it back and stared at it for about a century. Suddenly, when I was about to doze off, untidy handwriting, slightly familiar, sprawled itself across the page where my message had previously been.
So, it is invisible? I was starting to wonder if it was suffering from an illness and confined to the hospital wing.
Stared at it for a while, trying not to smile. Never know who's watching.
Maybe I must report this to Dumbledore. He would be very concerned over anonymous sexual harassment using a magical book.
The reply was almost immediate.
Perhaps this is Dumbledore?
Horrified. I must learn from Ginny, or, I suppose, Ginny's mother, who said very wisely, "Never trust an object if you can't see where it keeps its brain", or something of the sort. Though I suppose that could very well apply to Ron.
5th September Friday
Chocolate Units: 15 (repulsive), Assignments Due: 2, Assignments Turned In: 3, Malfoy Seductions: 0 (v.g.)
Damn Ron. Found matching Nuntius book when I went ruffling through his rucksack for extra pot of ink. He remembered and tried to stop me, but only after I had found it.
But also slightly curious.
Wrote message before going to bed:
The skirt of my robes may be in hospital permanently, or until rare cure for illness arrives.
Oh, Merlin. What did I do now?
6th September Saturday
Chocolate Units: 5 (okay), Assignments Due: 0, Assignments Turned In: 2 (the world does not cease on a Saturday), Attempts at Love Potion: 4 (appalling), Malfoy Seductions: 1 (acceptable)
It turns out that Ron was in detention with McGonagall when I wrote to him. Opened book this morning to find new message.
This may seem ill mannered, but I wish the robe skirt a long and tedious stay in the hospital wing. I do not wish to see it soon.
Ron approached me after lunch to ask me on a date. Very, very happy. Of course, had to play a little hard to get. Too much homework tonight, start of term party in Great Hall tomorrow. I told him I'd think about it and walked away.
I feel very desirably frigid, even if Ron is neglecting the Nuntius book.
New message from Ron:
I ate a biscuit that you gave to Harry. I'm thinking of going to the hospital wing to keep your robes company. Feeling very ill.
Perhaps he was joking?
Harry just informed me that Ron has gone to the hospital wing because he wasn't feeling well.
Probably just a coincidence.
Ah, bugger it.