Always

by myka

Warning! Yaoi, angst, songfic, deathfic

Pairing: SchuldigxYohji

Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss and sadly I never will. "Always" is performed by Saliva.

A/N: I'm not really the type to write songfics. But I wanted some angst and I felt like writing something short for a change. Then I heard this song and couldn't get an angsty image out of my head. This is the result.
Now betaed thanks to Mini.

~~~

It was a shock really.

Fighting with you; Weiss' self declared playboy; was nothing new to me. It was actually one of my favorite forms of entertainment. Your thoughts are the best kind of honey I've ever tasted. The images I pluck from your head are incredibly arousing. God, you like to sleep around. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder why you do it so much, why you feel the need to do it so often. I think it's a miracle that you haven't caught anything.

My hands tighten around your throat. Your soft skin giving way under my rough fingers. Your pulse jumping to an exhilarating beat. It's a game, it always is. It's never meant to be fatal. Just some game I am always willing to play again tomorrow.

I start pulling those tasty images from your head like I always do. A redhead, another, another…lately you always seem to go for redheads; hey look a bluehair, another redhead, me…

I hear... A voice say "Don't be so blind"...
It's telling me all these things...
That you would probably hide...
Am I... Your one and only desire...
Am I the reason you breathe...
Or am I the reason you cry...

What the hell!

My hands leave your throat and I force myself away immediately. Standing and taking a few steps back.

That's the last thing I expected. It was quite a shock indeed.

You… Yohji Kudou, the Balinese, is having sex fantasies about none other than me.

Me!

That kind of explains the mass of redheads.

You glare back at me, probably wondering why I let you go all of a sudden. I can't help the smirk that forms on my face.

"You're really fucked up Kudou. Really… of all people… me?"

You blink in confusion. Then something takes over your features and I know that you've realized that I found out. My smirk widens even more.

Your thoughts are even sweeter now. Your confusion mixed with a tinge of horror is intoxicating. You are worried about what I think of you. You're worried that I find you to be some disgusting pervert.

Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty… Sometimes you worry too much.

This is my chance. My chance to own you.

I'll make you mine.


Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can't live without you...

I close the space between us and wrap my arms around your neck as I bite down on the tip of your ear.

"Kätzchen …" I purr.

You tremble against me and it arouses me to no end. I'm not a lover of men, but when it comes down to Yohji Kudou…

I want…

I really really want…

It's in your nature to resist me, even if you desire this. Whatever shields you had, have completely fallen and I can read you like a book. Your hands find my chest and you try to push me away; your legs are kicking me. I laugh at these feeble tries to force me back. They only cause me to want you more.

Your back reaches the wall and I pin you to it violently. Your lips taste better than your thoughts.

You don't resist much as I get rid of that black coat, those black pants and make you mine.

You body is marvelous. I possess you, take you and you let me. You simply let me.

Mine… all mine.


I love you...
I hate you...
I can't get around you...
I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take any more...
This life of solitude...
I guess that I'm out the door...
And now I'm done with you...

I'm using you. No point in denying it. Right now you are what my body craves. What I most crave.

But the dividing line is getting more and more distorted with each passing day. That line that separates you from being something to being someone.

That's the line I can never cross.

That's the line I'm forbidden to cross.

I sometimes comment on how you're my personal plaything just to keep things on check and under control.

But the look in your eyes is morphing little by little with each encounter. From hatred, to confusion, to lust, to…

I don't even dare say it.

Because the truth is that you are starting to get to me too. You're starting to burn me from the inside out.

I have to make you believe otherwise.

You leave the window to your apartment open for me. I can see you in the dim light… in your bed… waiting for me.

The sex is amazing as always. You try to start a conversation with me afterwards.

"Do you have a good cure for insomnia?" "What is your favorite food?" "How do you get the bloodstains off your clothes?"

Stupid questions really. So why do I still want to answer them?

All I can do is ignore you and leave through the same window without even a glance back.


I feel... like you don't want me around...
I guess I'll pack all my things...
I guess I'll see you around...
It's all... been bottled up until now...
As I walk out your door...
All I hear is the sound...

My taunts work like a charm. You believe every word I say.

That I'm just using you. That I get all that I want from your body.

Once in a while you keep trying to speak to me and I've reached a point where I'm looking forward to those few words that escape your lips.

Sometimes I give you an answer if the subject is irrelevant enough. You want to hear me as much as I want to hear you.

This should worry me. I can't allow myself to fall for you.

I can't seem to care right now.


Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can't live without you...

It's getting riskier and riskier.

I'm starting to look forward to our encounters with Weiss. That puts me in the danger zone. You're getting under my skin.

I'm falling hard.

Someday I'll have to end it.

Before it becomes too much for me to bear.

I just can't right now. Right now I just want more of you. You're intoxicating me. You're almost controlling me.

And you have no clue of the effect you're having on me.

Your thoughts are becoming more bittersweet with each passing day. You feel in your heart that all those feelings you have are onesided.

If only you knew…

You are already the owner of a part of my soul.


I love you...
I hate you...
I can't get around you...
I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take any more...
This life of solitude...
I guess that I'm out the door...
And now I'm done with you...

We've been betraying our teams for over a year now. How we've managed it is still a complete mystery to me.

My heart is beginning to break.

I don't know how much more I can take of this.

I'm reaching my limit.


I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...

You keep glancing towards me while our leaders spit words at each other. Stop it! Stop it! The look in your eyes is too obvious "Stop looking at me you moron!" I spit mentally, making you flinch.

I see Crawford stopping his tongue battle with Abyssinian to turn slightly shocked and angry eyes at me. Shit.

I projected my thoughts too much. I glance back at my leader and just shrug the whole thing off, hoping he'll disregard the words as mere nothings. The look on his face returns to normal and he goes back to his little chat.

That was close, too close.

I'm starting to lose it. Your mere presence is making me lower my shields without my own realization.

Not good at all.


I left my head around your heart...
Why would you tear my world apart...

You and I. There's no chance for us. Too close. Too much. Too fast.

Schwarz almost found out about us. And I am Schwarz.

I have to end it. I ended it the same night.

We met at the most desolated area during the mission. I had to beat you to a bloody pulp to make my point permanent. I was lucky enough to have one of your teammates stop me in the middle of it. The perfect cover up. It looked like they saved your life in the nick of time.

I try to avoid you as much as possible whenever our teams meet. Even if it kills me, even if it's unbearable to think I could be touching you right now; tasting you, kissing you… But sometimes I can't avoid you.

You never fight back. You let me hit you and kick you. You don't even try to stop me.

"What is wrong with you? Too sad because you're not my kitty-cat anymore?" I mock in a cruel tone.

Anger reflects on your beautiful face, it's the first emotion I've seen in a month. I don't dodge the fist because I wasn't expecting it and the blow leaves me flat with my butt on the floor.

I force a smirk on my face, even when my soul is screaming.

This is how it's supposed to be.

We are no more. We just can never be.

I launch forward.


Always... always... always... always...

Just a night like any other, just a mission like any other…you are there; why are you always there?

Sometimes I wonder how much more of this I can take. Sometimes I wish for all of it to go away.

We end up alone in a room. So familiar. I pull open a window to escape, but your hands wrap around my waist before I get the chance to jump and I found myself going back towards the middle of the room. You let go of me in a mad twist and I spin to face you again. 

I pull the gun from my backpocket. I have to. There's no other road for me.

Your eyes waver when you see it and something breaks deep inside you. This is the final proof… It's really over between us.

"Leave me alone Yohji, don't make me shoot you," I say, killing any sort of emotion from my voice.

"Will you?"

Your eyes are torturing me. Why? Why do you love me so much?

You take a step forward and I lose it.

"I said leave me the hell alone!" I snap.

You ignore me and before I notice what's going on you go for my gun and try to take it away from me.

"Let-go-Yohji!" I hiss.

LetgoLetgoLetgo. You're not letting go, my fingers are slipping. Jade orbs are stuck to mine, destroying what's left of my soul little by little.

Let me go Yohji… Just let me go…

BANG!

I see... the blood all over your hands...
Does it make you feel... more like a man...
Was it all... just a part of your plan...
The pistol's shakin' in my hands...
And all I hear is the sound...

My heart stops. The sound of my gun going off resonates in my ears. It's the sound of death.

The gun falls to the floor with a loud clank. You stand before me hurt, wounded, dying…

Suddenly I feel your hands on me searching, grabbing and holding. Your head rests on my chest as my arms hang lifelessly by my sides. Can't move, can't move…

I can feel my lover's warm blood reaching me, touching me. And still my body refuses to move. Your thoughts reach me.

You want me to hold you, to comfort you. You want me to tell you I love you. You need to hear it. It is your final wish. But still my body won't move.

Slowly but surely you raise your head to look at me and I see jade eyes full of pain.

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take any more...
This life of solitude...
I guess that I'm out the door...
And now I'm done with you...

Your voice comes out hoarse and very very low. "I love you…"

Your hands let go of me and you fall to the floor. Blood pours from your chest like water and I found myself covered in it.

Still my body refuses to move.

You stare at me from that spot and I catch the tears falling from the corners of your eyes. Panicked thoughts jump from your head to mine. You know you're dying; you can feel your heart slowing down. You know there's no hope for you… you believe I never cared about you.

A switch goes off within me and the shock finally leaves my system. My knees hit the ground violently. You need to know… I need to tell you.

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...

My voice is full of panic and pain. I've lost control over it. "I love you too Yohji! I love you so much!"

I grab your body and pull you close to me repeating the words, screaming them. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou…

You're gone and my heart breaks. You never heard me…You never knew…


I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take any more...
This life of solitude...
I pick myself off the floor...
And now I'm done with you...

It's over. Everything.

There's nothing I can do. There's nothing left to do.

I curse my 'gift' because now it is useless to me. I can't hear. There's nothing there. Everything's gone.

I feel the breeze coming from the open window. It's like a sign, calling me; it's telling me to leave. And I should leave.

But my hands won't leave your body. You're still warm; you're still so warm.

I sense the presence behind me. It speaks. Nothing is coherent anymore. Only one word reaches me…"Shi-ne."

Death is here for me. I can still run away. I still possess those few invaluable seconds. But I'm just a shell now, my soul has been torn apart by my own gun and my own egoism.

Why Yohji? Why YohjiYohjiYohjiYohjiYohji?! Why couldn't I tell you I loved you? 

I can hear the sound of my death being pulled from its sheath.

I hope it doesn't hurt. I hope it's fast.

You're still warm…God…you're still so warm. I kiss your temple gently and pull you even closer. I wait…

I wait…

Yohji… My Yohji…

Maybe I'll meet you on the other side.

Always...
Always...
Always...