Me or him

Warnings/notes : Ikhny + Hiead, Ikhny pov, musings rather than events

Disclaimer : I don't own Candidate for Goddess.

written at 12th july 2003, by Misura


Is it me?

Or is it him?

Am I, as he says, too sensitive?

Or is he, as Kizna says, too insensitive?

There are days when I'm deperate to believe that, to believe it's not my fault the two of us never seem to connect like Kizna and Zero seem to have done so easily.

To believe that he's not as faultless as he likes to claim.

No one's perfect.

Still, sometimes it seems everyone around me *is*, while I'm not.

One thing we have in common.

We're both loners.

He, by his own choice, because he feels too good for most others.

If he speaks, half the time it's critic against other people.

Perhaps it's even more than half ; a kind word seldom passes his lips.

He's not the type for small talk, or big talk, like Zero.

I'm not criticizing Zero ; I just mean that he likes to express himself, and what he wants.

With Hiead I usually have to guess about his needs and wants.

I did not choose my loneliness.

Though I *am* the cause of it.

People call me shy.

Am I?

I don't think so.

A little maybe, I'll grant them that.

But I'm a repairer.

I'm supposed to get to know my pilot, to help him.

How can I help him if we barely speak?

How can I allow myself to spend time talking to others if I haven't accomplished my most important task?

There's always this doubt in me.

If I hadn't been Ikhny Allecto, would Hiead be more open by now, possibly even a pilot already?

If he hadn't been Hiead, would I have been as cheerful and effective as Kizna?

The way things are between him and me isn't the way it should be.

I'm neither blind nor stupid.

Only the answer to the question that haunts me keeps slipping through my fingers.

Is it me?

Or is it him?