Harry Potter and the Plot Bunny Of Death
When Bad Fan Fiction Happens to Good People.
An Exercise in Futility by The Treacle Tart
Special thanks to Jane, whose fic, "I Suck At Titles," is much funnier than this. Love to Angelfeather for subjecting herself to my grammar on a constant basis.
It was a dark and stormy night. Really dark and really stormy and the angst fan fiction writer liked it that way. Harry -- the-boy-who-lived-to-star-in-incredibly-depressing-fiction -- was angry. Really angry. Like when you run to catch a bus and the driver waits 'til you get to the door and then just as you reach it, he closes the door and pulls away. Like that - only angrier.
He was looking for Ron on the train going to Hogwarts but couldn't find him. When he finally did he was shocked. Ron was hot - in a not-gay way. Apparently one summer is enough to completely change a person's appearance, personality and demeanor. He was a wall of muscle. Rippling muscles that rippled. He was tall and tan and full of rippling muscles.
Ron was looking for Hermione because he had heard some guys talking about her and he had to beat them up¼ because that is what he does - overreacts to everything without knowing the facts and beats up anyone who looks at Hermione because he can never express himself like a normal human being. When he finally found her he couldn't believe how sexy she looked. Sexy, like the girls who model swimsuits in high heels and makeup with really pouty lips. Like that - only sexier.
"Hermione," he said in a way that suggested he had the mental facility of Spam. "What happened to you?"
She giggled, but only briefly before speaking in her best supermodel-selling-condoms-to-repressed-math-teacher's voice. "I finally put away those silly text books and picked up the only book that matters - Cosmo." Just then, the Hufflepuff , Justin Case-Fetchme and the other Hufflepuff, Ernie MacBert, entered the room. When they both looked at Hermione and started to say hello, Ron flew into a jealous rage and beat them both senseless.
"Ron, you are such a git," she said because it is the only British-sounding curse I know. She left and went looking for Ginny, as she has no other female friends. Harry -- who was still angry -- and Ron -- who was still hot in a not-gay way --went after her. Before they found her, Ginny stopped them. She looked out of breath. "What happened to you?" Harry asked¼angrily.
"I've been running around," she answered.
"Running around where?" Ron instantly decided to pummel whoever made Ginny run.
"Around. Do you think its easy being the super spunky, unusually sensitive, often misunderstood, never truly appreciated, uber sex pot? Not to mention that fact that I have slept with most of Hogwarts - teacher and students, even half my bloody family. I'm damn tired."
Ron and Harry hadn't heard a word she said because they were watching as her chest expanded to three times its normal size right in front of them. "Damn it," she yelled. "The buggering things have been doing that all day."
"Maybe we should go looking for Hagrid?" Harry asked because this was the thing to do whenever they needed to move the story along during a slow time.
"Maybe not," replied Ron.
"Why?" Harry did not like being contradicted; it made him angry.
"Because no one can really write Hagrid's accent, so he is usually off on some mission or another throughout most of the story."
Oh. "Good Point."
Hermione came back in looking upset and confused.
"What's happened?" Ginny was concerned.
"What's wrong?" Harry was also concerned, but still angry.
"Who do I beat up?" Ron was angry, because he was tired of Harry getting all the good angst.
"Nothing. No one...you have to see his for yourself." Something had truly upset Hermione, which meant a significant plot twist.
They foursome when into the next room and gasped.
They were stunned; it was fic cliché madness:
Snarky!Snape was mocking Hurt/Comfort!Snape for being such a sod. "You're always bloody whining. 'No one loves me. No one understands.' Blah, blah, blah. You're a Potions master for Salazar's sake. Make some hallucinogens and get on with your damn life."
Evil!Snape was using Leather Clad/Goth!Snape as a dartboard.
Super Spy!Snape was so well hidden, no one saw him at all.
Outrageously Sexy!Snape was eyeing himself in a mirror and wondering how he could market the skin and hair care products that seem to transform him from overgrown bat to Slytherin Sex God.
Harry's Father!Snape and Harry's Mother!Snape were having a custody battle over the merchandising rights.
Canon!Snape was in the corner pouring over everything ever written by JK Rowling trying to find out where these other Snapes came from and why he got the raw end of the deal. He was about to ask when-
Scruffy/Sensitive!Lupin came in talking to Scruffy/Sexy!Lupin, trying to figure out how to get laid more.
No Longer Scruffy!Lupin was trying to convince Scruffy/Scruffy!Lupin to join in on that conversation because he needed all the help he could get.
Remus with Long Lost Twin Brother Romulus!Lupin and James Polyjuiced for Sixteen Years!Lupin were trying to figure out if they could get paid double.
Canon!Lupin joined Canon!Snape to see if he found anything in those books to explain why he wasn't himself but still transformed every stinking month when suddenly-
Sexy Beyond Anything Human!Black started fighting with Canon!Black, which wasn't much of a fight because Canon!Black was dead, but no one had the decency to tell him.
Mischievous Marauder!Black was practicing his sad puppy dog face that always got him out of trouble after he hexed/cured/lured/abused the Snape Du Jour.
Padfoot was in the corner peeing on Can't Get Over His Past!Snape and no one cared because they were all tired of hearing him whine.
Bitter!Black was about to go and beat the hell out of Canon!Snape and Canon!Lupin for getting more book space than him when-
Slashy!Snape came in wearing chaps and a bow tie. "Hello boys."
The others chose to pretend he didn't exist - it was just easier that way. Undeterred, he just kept talking. "The problem here is that you boys aren't getting any."
"Any what?" Asked Never Quite Grew Up!Black.
"Exactly." Slashy!Snape paused to eye Always Wears Tight Clothes!Black. "While you sit and wait for the female students to become legal you have no one to help you release any tension on this side. The only females you have are: McGonagall - older than dirt, Umbridge - beastly and amphibian like, and Hooch - obviously a lesbian or just trying to look like one. Oh, sure someone could pretend Sinistra and Vector are woman, but do you really want to take that chance."
"There are OFC's," Scruffy/Optimistic! Lupin offered.
"Sure, you could wait for someone to write original female characters, but take a look at yourselves. These are the same people that created you. Do you really think it would be worth the wait?"
"At least we know they will be beautiful, and sexy and smart and..."
"...and not stupid enough to sit around wasting time on your sorry behinds."
"There's lots of sex on my side," he offered.
"Well that's the problem isn't it?" replied Ultra Manly!Black, while shuddering.
"Besides guys get pregnant on your side," said Scruffy/Overly Cautious!Lupin.
"Good Point. Perhaps we can compromise."
They began talking when-
Merlin's Pathetic Crossovers!!!
Aragorn, Legolas, three hobbits, two orcs and a ringwraith stumbled into the room.
"Damn it," yelled Always Blowing a Gasket!Snape, "Stick to your own damn Fandom and quit coming in here. And tell those X-Files freaks, and those Buffy zealots and those damn Artemis Fowl fanatics to keep their hands to themselves."
Hermione had seen enough and closed the door. "It all makes sense now."
"What does?" Ginny asked.
"Don't you see? They keep trying to change it."
"Us. My hair, my clothes. There are whole communities of people doing it. For God's sake, they keep trying to pair me up with Snape or Harry."
"NO," Ginny yelled.
"Yuck!" Harry yelled, then vomited.
"I'll kill them." Ron yelled, then hit something.
Hermione was suddenly seeing everything clearly, as she always did when it was time to see everything clearly. "And you, Ron... aren't there times when you don't want to beat people up?"
"Now that you mention it, I used to like playing chess with Malfoy, he's really good." Ron actually liked playing chess, but wouldn't mind a few rounds of Monopoly once in a while.
Hermione kept talking because she seemed to have a hard time ever keeping quiet. "And Harry, aren't there times when you don't want to date exchange students, or suddenly find Ginny to be the most perfect being in the world, or times when you just want to sleep in and not go looking for danger and adventure?"
"Well, yeah. I would like to nap occasionally." Harry thought longingly about his bed and bunny slippers.
"And Ginny..." Hermione began.
"I get it." Ginny finished.
"Exactly. All the time. With everyone."
"So, how do we stop it?" Ron asked.
"Do we really want to stop it?" Harry offered.
"Of course we do," Hermione said, while rocking back and forth holding herself while trying to obliterate images of her and Snape doing the Cha-Cha-Cha.
"Do we? Don't you ever notice Snape is always getting action despite having yellow teeth, sallow skin and a hawk's beak for a nose? Remus looks like a vagrant but is loved by thousands. Sirius is made out to be sex on a stick even though he came out of Azkaban with long tangled hair, sickeningly gaunt and eating rats. Heck, everyone is getting some, including us." Harry looked at them all pleadingly, yet angrily.
"True." They were all in agreement, which angered the reader because it was more fun when they fought.
"So, if we stop it, we go back to waiting a few years until the next book comes out and who knows what will happen to us then. Might as well enjoy what we have."
Ron was not completely convinced. "What about all the angst writers that are out there making terrible things happen to us? Some of them kill us off, you know. There are sickos out there. We get raped, tortured, mutilated and made to have sex with giant squids."
"Good Point." Hermione tossed her long, cascading mermaid hair over her shoulder.
"Yeah, but here aren't as many of those, there are more where we have lots of sex and the really good ones pair me and Ginny and you and Hermione." Harry seemed angry, yet satisfied.
"Well, I don't mind some of the other ones." Ginny stated. "Sorry, Harry but Dead Sexy!Sirius is... well... dead sexy."
"Now what?" Ginny asked.
"Let's go looking for a fic with smut. Lots of smut." Harry smiled.
Ron and Hermione shrugged. "Why not?"
And they all lived happily ever after.
Until book six.
The End of the Beginning of the End.
Author humbly apologizes for this travesty. **swats at bunnies nipping at her ankles** This is the part where Humble/Apologetic! Author begs for your feedback.