Protector of the Plot Continuum:
Pirates of the Caribbean: The curse of the Black Pearl
I own neither. Jay and Acacia created the first while Disney owns the second. Jira and Leigh, no matter what they think, are mine. Many thanks to Elena for her betaing of this work.
Lonely Sparrow meets a tiger?
Agents Jira and Schmuckleigh of the PPC: Pirates of the Caribbean, Mary Sue Division were in a fine mood when they got back from their latest kill, or kills rather. Watching an implausibly large white Charcharadon meglodon devour Commodore Norrington's non-canonical sisters was certainly a mood lifter. Unfortunately, the bing! Of the console was a bit of a buzz kill. Not to mention worrying. Jira printed the message out. [Agents Jira Foley and Schmuckleigh, report upstairs.
Of course the sudden and very loud [BEEP! BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!!!!!!] of the console was worse.
"Crap. What do we do?!" Jira said looking from the paper in her hand to the screaming console.
"Well, I'd first put down the dress." Leigh said, nodding at the blue dress Jira was carrying over one arm.
"Good plan." Jira dropped the dress against the wall and jumped as a portal opened right in front of her. "Shit!"
"I think we should go. And massacre." Leigh muttered, her voice furious.
"Why? How bad could it be?" Jira said as she shove energy bars into her pack. You never knew how long these things would be after all. And as severely understaffed as the Mary-Sue division and the Pirates of the Caribbean division was they'd been pretty much constantly busy.
"She has a talking tiger. And she sings Like a Prayer."
As her partner choked, Leigh set their disguises and dragged her shocked and coughing partner through the portal. "We have to kill it, now."
"Yes. I completely agree," Jira said in a rough voice. They were on a beach, on a very familiar island. "Oh no." Jira looked at her partner. "She's stranded?"
"However did you guess?"
"Hmm… I wonder." Both agents slipped up the beach to the shadow of the palm trees. And then came the Sue.
A girl wandered around the beaches looking for any sign of life. She stared at the horizon as she took in the early morning breeze and enjoyed the sunlight. "Blast that Barbosa! I can't believe I let him trick me like that blast Jack Sparrow did." Tigress muttered to herself. She had been stuck there for two days but unlike Sparrow stranded with nothing, Barbosa did give her some food to eat.
Jira shook her fists at the sky. "Damn you Barbossa! Why? WHY? Did you leave food? She could have died right here. Why?!"
"It wasn't Barbossa. It was Barbosa." Leigh answered her enraged partner. "You know the misspelled monkey from Salina Rose."
Jira looked at her partner then went back to staring at the sky. "Damn you Barbosa! Damn you!"
"And did you notice the blast Jack Sparrow?"
"I did. I did notice." Jira said as she glared daggers at the Sue and white tiger.
A tiger at her side she looked down at it patting the tiger. "Serena help me find a way out of here. I really wish you could." The tiger just roared in reply to the statement as she looked out at a nearing ship.
"Where is the comma and grammar?" Jira misquoted softly. "Where have the good stories gone? They have past like the rain on the mountain. Ow!"
"Knock it off." Leigh said as her partner rubbed the back of her head and glared at her.
When Tigress realized what ship it was her eyes narrowed and she looked to the skies. "Why in Goddess' name did my rescuer have to be him?" She questioned to the clouds.
"Why in the name of the Valar must they swear to the Goddess? Which one? Don't be so melodramatic." Jira said, still rubbing her head but having moved her glare back to the Sue.
"You're one to talk."
"Yes, I am."
As she yelled a young captain stepped down and looked her up and down. She glared at him waiting for him to speak first. "Tell me Love,what brings you here?" he beckoned to her.
"Jack, not that young."
"And would someone please tell me what Jack just stepped down from?" Leigh moaned. "I was watching it happen, and I still don't have a clue."
"Bugger if I know."
"The same thing that got you stuck here fool. I know who you are!" She replied. He smiled at this as he motioned for her to come on board.
"Oh fuck me." Jira said. "She pulled the Pearl up to the island."
"Meh," Leigh said as the PPC agents followed the Sue onboard the far to big to come that close to land ship. The crew members tried to stop the tiger from following the Sue and she insisted that "She is a part of the package boys."
"Jack would never bring a large dangerous, living animal on his ship. He's not that stupid."
Jira bounced on her toes. "Leave her there! Leave her!"
Leigh gave her a look. "You know they won't."
"I can still have hope."
She then looked down to him "You can call me Tigress Song."
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Jira collapsed on deck, Leigh joining her in peals of laughter.
"Tigress SONG! Hah hah hahah. That's just fabulous…" This continued until th gratuitous description of Sueage.
She was about 5'7 with flowing orange hair that she wore up in pigtails with braids to frame her face. They were her bangs.
"So she braids her bangs, orange is not a attractive color and she's bald otherwise."
"I'm seeing a deranged Pippi Longstalking myself."
"Indeed. Is very disturbing."
She had Blue crystal colored eyes.
"So that would be blue then?"
"Blue and Shiny?" Jira responded with a confused tone.
Jack almost blushed at what the girl was wearing. Tigress wore a white tube top styled shirt that showed cleavage and had sleeves that went around her arm right above her elbows and showed most of her back and upper shoulder.
"Cough. Slut. Cough."
"You realize you aren't supposed to say cough, right?" Leigh said nudging Jira in the shoulder.
She also wore black boots and a pair of black pants cut to be above her knees.
"That would make them shorts, fuckwit."
The girl caught him starring at her and sighed. "Please stop staring it is quite rude." She told him. He blushed before turning to face the sea again.
"Poor Jack. He always gets the worst of these."
"Sucks to be you, mate." Jira told the oblivious Captain. Since the Sue hadn't really described where they were at the point, all this was happening in the middle of the deck. Jira and Leigh just sat close enough to be in hearing range. The Sue wouldn't have noticed anyway. She was a bit too involved in pretending to dislike her obvious love interest.
"Tell me love, how did Barbosa trick you?" he finally started to speak. Tigress made an angry glare at the name before answering him.
After the Sue glared at Jack's lips for a minute since you can't glare at a word she started her sob, stupid, story.
"Well sir, he told me I could have some treasure. Then stranded me there same as he did to you after I lead him to the treasure of Motolore.
"Fffffffff." Jira hissed at the Sue.
"Because I couldn't of a think of a back story, I decided to steal the plot of the movie. This is because I'm an idiot and have no creativity at all."
Unlike you though he gave me no pistol but instead a food to last me 5 days and that was it." He just nodded in reply as he continued to sail.
"Five!" Jira snapped. "It's a word. When you write, it's a word not a number."
"When was Jack sailing?" Leigh whimpered. "The pain of this story makes my brain bleed."
"I think mine leaked out of my ears a few stories ago."
"I can't blame it for wanting to escape." After a moment the two agents noticed nothing was happening. Jack was standing very still and the Sue was lying on the deck. "What's going on?"
"Lemme see." Jira fished out her copy of the Words and read her expression going ever darker.
"She's taking a nap. Jack's going to stand there for the next couple of hours and this one's really pissing me off."
"Well, we have a few hours." Leigh said.
"Skip. Get this one over fast." Jira pulled her portal device out and very nearly dragged Leigh through.
"I'm coming, I'm coming." They arrived just as Tigress-Sue was preparing to sing. "Did we skip dinner?"
"Yes. And the tiger jumping on the table." Jira murmured watching the Sue.
"Because this one can't describe time to save her life and our sanity. What little we've got anyway. Unless you'd like to be here for long undescribed amounts of time…"
As time progressed Jack anchored the ship for the night as he sat by the wheel and looked up to the girl who was getting ready. He smiled to himself as he had to give her credit for courage but he doubted the skill in her voice.
"The wheel is on the highest part of the ship right?"
"So is she in the rigging?"
"Or the crow's nest."
"Jack doesn't sit at the wheel. That wouldn't do much."
A crew member by the name of Gibbins walked up to him and looked oddly at the girl. "What is she doing Captain Sparrow?" the older man asked. "Singing well soon. I hope it is ok?
"No, no no no! Jack did not say ok. He didn't. I didn't hear it. He didn't say it."
"He also didn't say singing well soon. Whatever that means. Nor did he just ask permission for something to happen on his own ship."
"No, no he didn't." Jira agreed clinging to her rapidly fraying nerves with both hands.
My put some spark in those men you know with her being so revealing shall we say. If not it will atleast give them laughs." He replied.
"My put spark comma Whattefuck!"
Leigh was rubbing her face. "I'm so confused right now."
Jira was still sputtering in horror.
She then looked down at Jack and gave the signal she was ready to sing.
The two PPC agents promptly flipped her off. She didn't see it.
She held her hands clasped on her waist as she tried to sing the notes loud and clear over the chilling ocean breeze. ~Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home
When you call my name it's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there
"Ai! Ai! It burns! It burns!" Jira shrieked and clapped her hands over her ears and started humming as loudly as she could.
Leigh held out just a little longer but as the Sue got to the part about Feels like flying, she joined her partner on the deck.
After a long few minutes, Leigh noticed the horrible singing had stopped and the only sounds on deck were the sounds of her and her partners attempts to drown out the horrible noise.
"It's over," she said as she gave her partner a shake.
Jira cautiously removed one hand and sighed. "Hallelujah."
"This will be the day you always remember as the day Jack Sparrow was proved wrong by a woman. Remember my name, Tigress Song." She told him. He finally laughed gently in reply and clapped his hands. "That was great love. Say where are you headed?" He said to her.
"To a horrible painful death. This I'm certain of."
"Keelhauling?" Jira suggested.
"I was thinking canonical bonfire." Leigh said.
"Perfect." Jack and the Sue had headed off. "Where are they going?"
"Not already. Plus isn't the tiger in there?"
"No she's still being independanty. And the tigers sleeping between them."
"Bad mental imagery there." Jira sighed. "We should go and listen."
"Yeah," Leigh said, resigned.
"Don't you dare touch me. Serena is sleeping between us so you don't, LOVE!" Her last word 'Love' she said mockingly to him.
"Yeah yeah, no one's impressed, dumbass."
With that she laid down and told him good night before giving him one last warning glare and then laying to go to sleep.
"She was already laying down."
"She's kinda dumb. She must have needed to do it twice." Leigh said was they watched in horrified fascination.
He curled up next to her as he pulled the covers over the girl and smiled alittle again. As the moonlight reflected off of her golden hair.
"Funny how it was orange just a minute ago."
He moved a few strands from her face before the tiger growled at him. "Alright calm down, I won't touch her just please don't eat me alive." He said sarcastically before rolling over and falling asleep himself.
"Yes, because sleeping next to a tiger is a good idea." Leigh look3eed at her partner. "Really."
"Yesss…" Jira said. "Shall we go forward?"
"If we must. Where's the biggest canon break?"
"I'm pretty much going with the talking tiger and Jack having the Black Pearl while Barbossa's still alive."
Jira and Leigh portaled again this time to the morning. The Sue was complaining about having to wear a dress because her own Slut clothes were dirty.
"Because most pirates really care about cleanliness."
She put it on Serena's collar as an aura engulfed the tiger. A few moments later Serena spoke "It's about time you gave my voice back. As for the dress it'll have to do until you get your clothes washed."
"We're gonna have kill the tiger too. It's way to Sueish now." Jira moaned.
"It talks. It has to die." Leigh said softly.
"This sucks, you know. I like tigers."
"We'll kill it quick." Leigh reassured her.
Tigress nodded her head in agreement with a disgusted look on her face. She dressed and then discarded her dirty garments in a corner of the room as she walked down to the deck. "Ai Lass, I see you've awaken and your wearing the dress Ana Maria laid out for ye." Gibbs yelled to Tigress.
"Anamaria! Anamaria! Is that really so hard?"
"Where the hell did Anamaria get a dress anyway?"
She nodded her head in reply and tried not to be rude to their kindness. "Yes, But tell me Gibbs, when is the next time we take port at an island I would like to get some more comforting clothes." Tigress replied. He shrugged his shoulders. Then he answered "It's up to Jack, but he has taken a fondness for ya, perhaps if ye ask him he'll stop at the next island."
Tigress looked at Gibbs oddly as she stared up to the Captain who was
steering the ship. He looked so content and relaxed at the freedom of
his ship taking him anywhere he wanted it was if he was a real sparrow
perched in his nest.
"Stupidest description ever!" Leigh spit.
She smiled at the sight before down at her gown
it was a dark red color and the skirt was puffy, the dress still had
one comfort, the revealing shoulder that gave her room to move her
shoulders and upper arms with contentment. Serena laughed as she
nudged Tigress to go talk to him.
"That's a good dress for a ship. Really it is." Jira told her partner, who snickered. AS the Sue tried to walk over to Jack one of the crew members handed her a mop and bucket.
"Oh poor Sue, has to work." As the Sue cleaned past the two gents Leigh stepped on the back of her absurd dress. The Sue who been lusting after Jack and not paying much attention, fell on her face. Both agents pointed and laughed.
"That was good." Jira told her partner as Tigress picked herself off the deck and Leigh whistled innocently.
The Sue was leaning against the ship's railing with the tiger. "Serena, do you think I should tell Jack about how Barbossa isn't exactly the same Barbossa?" She questioned to the tiger. Serena nodded her head in reply "I think it would be vital, seeing as he is probably wondering why Barbossa is still alive when Jack was the one that killed him. Besides before your mother died what did she always tell you?" "I know, honesty is the key to everything." Tigress answered.
"I also don't know how to paragraph properly," Jira muttered.
Leigh walked over to the Sue. "I've had enough of this," she said as Jira tried to stop her.
Jira tugged on her arm. "Tiger."
Leigh paused. "Right. You still have that concertina wire?"
Jira dunked her hand into her pack. "Yep." She handed the wire and her leather gloves over.
She watched as Leigh walked over to the Sue and her pet. "Tigress Song, you are formally charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum as a Mary Sue." The Sue stared at her. Jira was fiddling with the portal device.
The tiger growled at Leigh and Jira moved to distract it. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty." The tiger snarled at her then got the most bewildered look on its face as Agent Schmuckleigh snapped the concertina wire under its throat and jerked upwards. The tiger's head came free and rolled off the side of the ship. Jira jumped back to avoid the blood spray.
"SERENA!" The Sue screamed. Jira opened the portal and Leigh grabbed the Sue by back of her dress and flung her through before anyone could notice the screaming. Leigh went through after her and Jira followed taking a moment to push the tigers body over the edge of the ship into the sea.
"I'm really sorry." She murmured after the body and went through the portal. The island was still burning from Elizabeth's bonfire, but the canonicals had departed an hour or so earlier. Leigh had tied the Sue's hands behind, but was having trouble getting her feet as Tigress was kicking for all she was worth. And yelling and cursing. Jira walked over to the Sue.
"Shut up or I will kick you in the head."
Tigress Song glared at her and opened her mouth. Jira's foot hit her just below the ear. Tigress yelped in pain. Leigh took the head kicking as a distraction and tied the Sue's feet behind her. "You want to charge?"
"Yes." Jira drew her foot back as warning and Tigress flinched. "Tigress Song, you formally charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum as a Mary-Sue in violation of the canon of Pirates of the Caribbean. You have disrupted both canon, good sense and good taste. For making Captain Jack Sparrow severely OOC, for bringing Barbossa back to like, for misspelling it as Barbosa and creating another mini-monkey, for being marooned on the same bloody isle as Jack, for not even creating a decent back story for yourself and copy the plot of the movie badly, for having crystal blue eyes, for making Jack say okay long before the word existed, for having two different hair colors, for having a stupid ass hairstyle, for having a white tiger that TALKS, for naming it Serena, for making it so Sue-ish it had to die, for making me assist in the killing of an endangered species that I love, for making Anamaria have a dress, for misspelling Anamaria, for being the worst Sue I've ever seen and pissing me OFF, you are condemned to die." The only reason Tigress hadn't interrupted the assassin was that ever time she opened her mouth Jira kicked her in the head. The Sue looked rather dazed at this point. "Oh and for singing Like a Prayer in Pirates of the fucking Caribbean, you are condemned to burn." Jira smiled coldly at her partner over the Sue and bent down. "On three?"
"You don't want to gag her?"
"I want to hear her scream."
"Oh. Okay then. One." Leigh lifted the Sue's feet.
"Two." Jira said as grabbed the Sue's bound arms and together they carried her close to Elizabeth's bonfire.
"Three!" Together they swung Tigress Song into the flames and stepped back. She screamed for a very long time.
"Better now?" Leigh said.
"No." Jira shook her head. "I like tigers. White tigers are too fucking rare to be slaughtered by these goddamned Sues."
"I know." They watched the Sue-fire burn for a very long minute. "We should get back."
"Yeah. Yeah, we should."
[Jira and Leigh would like to thank Araeph for pointing this Sue out to us. I realize this is much shorter than most, but it was so bad. Had to die. The tiger bothers me. But it was so Sued… And who the hell sings Madonna in PotC? Honestly. This was written by Inu Sparrow but was taken down not long after being brought to the attention of the PPC. I'm afraid I did not save a copy and I'm sorry about that.]